He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

I’m really surprised that people are getting so annoyed about this (in a general sense - totally understandable that Upyerbum is upset).

Parents are old, don’t want their cultural traditions diluted, are in the habit of telling their middle-aged son what to do. I don’t see it as racist, I see it as people can be a trial, whatcha gonna do? Upsetting for the op, but not a societal calamity.

I’m also surprised at the general resistance to converting. I know loads of converts, some for marriage, some out of belief. Some people convert but still have a Christmas tree. The people I know who have converted to Orthodox, yes their faith is front and centre - the people I know who converted Reform or Conservative are a mixed bag of adherence. I don’t know anyone who is unhappy with their choice to convert.

Sorry to hear this OP. I see the points about fear of the Jewish faith dying out and this informing his parents’ attitude, but given he’s nearly 50, has a Jewish daughter I don’t agree with them being like this. It’s also weird given they don’t seem bothered about the brother not having a Jewish partner.

You deserve better OP, lucky escape.

@Ritascornershop respectfully- I totally disagree. I definitely think that type of thinking has an effect of society as a whole. Being from a mixed ethnic background I have experienced many types of prejudice and racism. Sadly, some types many others would not have even noticed. Unfortunately, the "people are a trial...whatcha gonna do?" attitude doesn't help. It minimises prejudice which is exactly what the OP has experienced. Let's call a spade a spade. This is like saying "oh boys will be boys" about the misogynist who behaves completely inappropriately towards women.

I do not mean to poke the beast; I just want people to understand the gravity and knock on effect things like this have on people and society as a whole. If we are to respect one another as equals and truly aspire to embrace diversity the door has to swing both ways.

For sure his parents do not think it is prejudice and I am sure many others don't - which is exactly the problem - they just don't think. This is a super sensitive triggering topic for a lot of people, I totally get it, but let's face it religion/culture/ethnocity/heritage/whatever, the OP has effectively been ostracized because she is a different religion. From a psychological standpoint this type of thing can be very damaging, especially to the more vulnerable.members of society. As @SonEtLumiere said, what if the roles were reversed? If the OP had been the one to turn around and say, "Oh no. You're Jewish, no thank you. Oh, And your parents are observant? Oh no I wouldn't want to associate with them" people would have loads to say about it, and they definitely would not minimise it.

I just think it is OK have a conversation about an uncomfortable situation with racist/prejudice undertones (that often happen in society I am not speaking solely on this one), without people feeling like they have to defend/minimise crappy behaviour whether it is generational, religious, cultural or whatever. It is only when the conversations open up that real change can occur.

@ClappyFlappy I suspect he ignores his parents prejudice views and gets on with living his life.
gets on with it.

I see it as a problem they are imposing their beliefs on their son, but I have some sympathy with their beliefs. It’s not a case of “don’t marry out, other people are bad”, it’s a case of “don’t marry out, the larger culture is already threatening to swamp ours so what hope is there that my child will continue our traditions if his partner is not interested.”

An earlier poster said that it is the law that a non jew and a jew cannot have a religious ceremony becaus it is the law. Surely in an interfaith marriage the people wouldn't be too fussed? The only ones who would be bothered would be the Jewish side.....

ritas I totally , genuinely understand this. But his parents didn’t even want to meet me. I have my own 2 x DDs to bring up. It’s only been a few months since we met and we didn’t exactly map out the future. But surely meeting me would at least have fed into their thought process - i.e. yeah she’s not too bad or no, we don’t like her.

@Ritascornershop it is prejudice because they do not even want to meet her. Plus, even by the way of thinking you are illustrating, it is still prejudice!

@CatchingFeelings I saw that too and was a bit confused that the kept driving home.that point when I didn't get the relevance. I think if it is interfaith marriage then they probably would have already been ok with not marrying in a religious ceremony. They would most likely just do civil anyway.

@Upyerbum70 maybe his mum saw your screen name on here and had a preconceived idea of you ha ha ha!

In fact they are discriminating against the OP.

Anyway look OP. I think you need to take this as a sign there is someone better out there for you! Who will stand by you and fight for you whatever your differences are !

ilove it’s an old username from yonks ago. I actually tried to change it but I’m such a bloody Luddite. But I stand by all my (endless miany) posts. I’d feel ok about him and his parents reading them.

And? My catholic friend married a Jewish man.
The catholic parents were mortified.
After my explains to them that the Jewish fella treated her better than the fellow catholic all was quiet.

In your case, I’d just carry on quietly and once he decides he’s had enough of his parents he will speak up!

Congrats to you both for finding each other and being happy x

Without being a misery moo I just meet people that I’ve whittled down to using my quite specific requirement list. Then they turn it to be pretty useless/depressed/philandering/lacking in backbone. I’m 50 yrs old in a few months. Its just not happening. And i hate investing in something/someone that goes pear shaped. It’s a waste of my emotions, time and intimacy. I can be up feeling used and it’s not a good thing. I wish I’d never met him as this situation isn’t pleasant . I also have a deep down feeling that he’ll raise his head again.

If you can’t face him popping up again - delete and block his number. He hasn’t treated you well.

When was his break down - is he even recovered ?

@user1486131602 as I said - it happens all over in many different guises unfortunately.

We are about the same age @Upyerbum70. I totally get it. And yes of course you stand by your posts! Why wouldnt you? You have done nothing wrong at all!
He probably will raise his head again. I think, and I am sure you know that you must think carefully, because he may succumb to pressure again. Anyway, you know now.
Sending you positive vibes. X

My brother stayed at the home of a Jewish friend. The friend's grandmother who lived in the same house stayed elsewhere that night as she said she couldn't share a living space with a gentile. I'm sure it was connected to Halakha, which derives from religion rather than culture. It's absurd

Your problem is your profile on OLD. Find a friend where there's mutual care and they'll fix your profile for you

He’s ‘archived’ at the moment so I don’t have to see his WhatsApp pic every time I use it.

His breakdown was last summer I think. He had counselling and meds. Overhauled his diet - cut out caffeine - has a personal trainer and eats pretty cleanly. He’s made a pretty darn good effort.

allegra gosh that grandmother story is indeed quite extreme. When the time comes I’ll review my profile with someone else - but no time soon . Thanks for the heads up

@allegrasmith

I know the granny in that story sounds absolutely disgraceful but if you know about the religious laws she is trying to observe you can see it a different way around.

Frum (very strict) orthodox jews would follow halachic laws in every area of their life.
She will have been observing the laws around “Yichud”, which is seclusion of members of the opposite sex together. Occupying the same house counts as seclusion together.
There are two problems in this example for the granny in question. The first is that the male guest is a non-relative meaning the need to avoid “Yichud” is stricter.

The second and most important is that as a non-Jew the guest cannot be expected to know what Yichud is and therefore cannot be expected to avoid accidentally breaking the seclusion rule at some point during his stay.

The granny inconvenienced herself to uphold the rules that she believes in, that seems ok to me. It’s not necessarily because staying in a building with a gentile is disgusting to her.

My husbands community are orthodox but I am perfectly welcome at Shul (as a non-Jewish, atheist woman with no intention whatsoever of conversion). I don’t doubt there are some who genuinely do look down on non-Jews, but you get abhorrent and racist people in every type of community.

you get abhorrent and racist people in every type of community.

Completely agree.

My issue with the law the granny is observing is that it's roots are likely misogynistic and so difficult to accept in modern times. It may only be the granny who is inconvenienced by her observance and personal safety is paramount but I'd struggle with another person avoiding contact with me based on a 7000 year old law.

I understand a little more than many about Jewish laws but understanding them and considering them acceptable are different things. The same of course applies to the doctrines of other faiths.

So I find the refusal of the OP's partner's parents to meet her unacceptable irrespective of what that refusal is borne from.

You get abhorrent and racist people in every type of community.
I don't feel at all that applies here. Jewish people have undergone unfathomable trauma as a 'community' and the op's ex's parents are of a generation where they would have been affected by the Holocaust in profound ways. They will feel a stronger need to keep their community intact and pass on their culture and way of life. Please let's not judge Jewish people born during or not long after the 2nd world war period without trying to understand. Younger generations may see things differently, however.

@PopcornAcademic I don't think anyone would dispute the trauma suffered and subsequent influence of it in the older generation - but to refuse to even meet the OP?

If they are really unhappy, I would let him go. It's not worth the hassle.

Ah I just read he let you go. It's for the best really... just don't let him try to talk you into a relationship again though I doubt that will happen.

Ive heard this story many times at work and often it is the oldies that threaten to disinherit. Ive seen it within Asian communities as well. Its amazing how young educated modern people will do exactly what their grandma tells them. Despite shagging everyone outside of their religon/culture until its time to marry.