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Original poster

Sibling, elderly mother and money

316 replies

needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 15:40

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/01/2020 18:22

To put it bluntly you've been a mug Sad

Greenwingmemories · 27/01/2020 18:22

I'm sure she has done a massive guilt trip on you to get you to agree to having her live with you in the first place. It demonstrates how manipulative she is, so bear that in mind. But when you think about it your only real obligations are to your children and, to a lesser extent, your husband. She chose to have you not the other way around.

By continuing with this arrangement you are actually affecting your children and husband as PP have testified from personal experience. So please, please listen to them and stop it now, before impacts further on your children and your DH. She has no regard for you, so why should you have any for her.

And incidentally, this is the first time something on here has left me literally open-mouthed. I think it genuinely is the most selfish, unkind thing I've ever heard. Good luck OP.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/01/2020 18:24

Excellent advice from cousinkrispy.
Contact SS immediately to get the ball rolling.

I’d not bother contacting your brother about this as he clearly doesn’t care.
Put yourself and your family first.

cosytoaster · 27/01/2020 18:24

I'd be furious.

Call SS, tell them you can't have her living with you anymore and they need to sort out care for her asap. Be firm.

Contact your brother and warn him the LA will be coming after him for the money.

SunshineCake · 27/01/2020 18:25

I'd be asking why your mothers money is good enough but he doesn't talk to her. What a shit.

FFSFFSFFS · 27/01/2020 18:25

She is being OUTRAGEOUS.

You have no obligation to provide direct care for her when she refuses to allow other care. NONE.

Work on your own guilt - and tell her its the care home.

Twillow · 27/01/2020 18:25

I supported my mum with her care and moved in with her to do so. My children were older, and while it suited us I won't say it wasn't a strain at times. Apart from the physical care there was all the laundry and just needing to provide company when I really would have preferred to do my own thing! We had carers too and mum paid for those herself from her savings. When she died, her house and assets were split equally as per the will and I cannot imagine how I would have felt if everything had gone to one sibling (nor did I expect more for my input, that was a choice I made). This is terribly, terribly unfair and thoughtless at best, but selfish and hurtful at worst, of your mother

Manderley7205 · 27/01/2020 18:25

Were you aware that your Mum was selling her home? Just wondering how she coped with that considering she is so ill and doesn't have her full faculties?

Your brother realistically wouldn't have been able to handle the sale as he lives abroad and hardly visits.

Who arranged for the proceeds of the sale to an overseas bank account?

Twillow · 27/01/2020 18:27

Oh, and absolutely bloody AWFUL of your brother to go along with it, if that is the least input he had, which I doubt.

saraclara · 27/01/2020 18:27

It wouldn't surprise me if he asked her for money now, because her life is limited and you're caring for her. He was probably concerned that she might leave everything to you in her will, so thought he'd get in early.

cologne4711 · 27/01/2020 18:28

carers are definitely means tested. My mother had to pay over £2000 a month for her care at home

Depends where you live - postcode lottery. MIL doesn't. Care at home is a different beast to care in a home.

diddl · 27/01/2020 18:28

Thing is, even if Op wasn't struggling financially or emotionally(?) now, the money from the house still needed to be safe somewhere in case of future changes/care home being needed.

It would have allowed her mum a good choice.

Would be interested to know who signed for the sale of the house/put it up for sale.

There must be some record somewhere though & hopefully it can be reclaimed for fees.
My parent is self funding (1000gbp per week).

Tbh I would be furious if they get away with this & the gov pay for her.

EllenRipley · 27/01/2020 18:30

Oh dear god, this is one of the most awful situations I've ever read about on this forum!

OP you need to contact your brother, and make it very clear about the deprivation of assets situation. Be very clear also that you and your family cannot shoulder this situation in the long term, for many reasons, and that your mother will ultimately need to be in a care home setting. So either she has her house money to pay for that, or he is pursued by the relevant authorities for it. Also be clear about how much caring for his mother is costing you financially. It shouldn't be too hard to work out, and there may also be a loss of potential earnings involved, now or in the future.

Tell him you are seeking legal advice, and do so.
And it might help to explain to your mother exactly how you feel, and the very practical repercussions of her stupid and utterly selfish decision.

I feel very irate on your behalf. I think this is clearly a case of seizing the day - don't let this slide - and of standing up to defend you and your family.

Twillow · 27/01/2020 18:31

@postercologne4711

Oh yes, I forgot - I'm talking about England. It's different in Wales and Scotland, I think.

Chloemol · 27/01/2020 18:31

Sorry but I would now be having a conversation along the lines of I can’t cope anymore and I am sorry but I am now arranging carers ( as a minimum) or sorry I can’t cope we need to find you somewhere to live. It’s very selfish of your mother to assume she can move in with you, at no cost and give everything to your brother

I would also be speaking to him and asking him to send the m9ney back for her care

comingintomyown · 27/01/2020 18:32

So through the entire process of her house going on the market, being sold and funds going through you never had anything to do with it ? Despite her living with you ?
Sorry this doesn’t ring true

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2020 18:33

I’m guessing she gave this money less than seven years ago to him

I believe the 7 year thing relates to Inheritance Tax rather than deprivation of assets for care, but that doesn't change the fact that the Council will still want it back

Trouble is they won't want to run up a huge bill while they're sorting this, so for now it might mean a council-run home rather than one of the better private ones - and they might resist even that if there's the slightest chance of you picking up the pieces

Luckily there's a chink of light if this drags on, in that her health issues may well mean another hospital stay at some point. In which case I'd simply refuse to have her back again ...

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/01/2020 18:33

You have my deepest sympathy op. I just echo what other posters are saying that you need to be brave and start to take steps to get her out of your house. Definitely give all your brothers details to ss so he can pay for the care she needs-and don’t bother to tell him as I don’t think they told you about this disgraceful house sale and cash transfer straight away. And op-I know you will be worried about what others think but don’t-they will understand that this act of selfishness and betrayal is unforgivable, and as a result she can not remain in your home.

ZenNudist · 27/01/2020 18:35

.

AutumnRose1 · 27/01/2020 18:36

I’m wondering the same things as other posters

But tbh I’m also wondering what kind of care your mother needs

Nursing home staff have said they often get residents and are told they cant go the bathroom unaided....but when it’s no longer their child helping, they suddenly can.

Also, sorry to be so blunt, but I’ve known a few people with apparently life limiting illness live several years. My father was told to expect to be gone by 65 at the latest. He lived - mostly healthily I’m pleased to say - till 79.

ChickenyChick · 27/01/2020 18:37

How can anyone just say they won't go in a care home, and they won't have carers? And live with you?

Why does she get to decide this?

In your shoes I would not sacrifice my own life in this way. You don't have to, you know

TipseyTorvey · 27/01/2020 18:37

Your mother is deeply unpleasant and sexist. I'd fling her out and focus on your young family. No doubt you will be expected to cough up the £5k for the funeral when the time comes as your brother will be living it up in Barbados. Don't be a mug any longer.

AutumnRose1 · 27/01/2020 18:37

PS it’s not even about money going to you

She’s handed over the money for her own care and expects you or the state to pick up the bill.

Hadalifeonce · 27/01/2020 18:38

To be honest, if she needs more care than you can really give her, and she refuses carers, I would be inclined to contact adult social services, and tell them so. It's not worth putting a strain on your health or marriage for someone who so obviously cares do little for you.

Womenwotlunch · 27/01/2020 18:38

Tbh, I probably would have reservations about her living with you even before she handed the money to your brother.
You are married and have children. She doesn’t want external careers. This is a huge stain on your marriage and health . To top it all off she has given your brother all that money.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She gave up her job to look after her ailing mother. Her younger brother barely visited . The mother then gave the son a deposit of 50k to buy a house.
My friend was living in a two bedroomed council flat with her two kids and had given up her own room for her mother.
Eventually she got so fed up, she put her mother in a home. Her mother doesn’t speak to her, but is close to her son