Heartbroken and dont know what to do

[AgeOfDragons]

Me and my partner split a few months back but have been speaking every day and seeing each other, other than the label nothing had changed (we even went on holiday)

Today at 3am he told me he never wanted to get back together again and he didn’t want anything to do with me from this point on.

I was/am at his house 100miles from where I live. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, I don’t want this to be the end of it, but he says he will never change his mind. I was so distressed I threw up (tmi sorry) and couldn’t breathe, I’ve never felt pain like it, it was like someone had died. He fell asleep upstairs after what he’d said while I was crying downstairs.

He just wanted us to be friends this whole time apparently, but I’m not able to because I’m so in love with him.

Because it’s so early the trains aren’t on yet so i took his car keys to sit in the car with the heat on until they start in about an hour. I’ll post his keys and go and I guess that will be that.

I’m just sat here thinking this is the last time I’ll see this house, the last time I’ll sit in this car. Could’ve even been the last time I saw his face

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

Don’t let him see you cry or beg. It’s time for dignity. He doesn’t want you so you now need to go home and take some time and grieve the relationship. Block his number and don’t contact him again.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. How do people cope?, well, I think once the shock and pain subsides it's acceptance that we have no control over another person's feelings.

His treatment of you sounds cruel and maybe in time that is something that will help you realise that as much as you love this man, he is not right for you. Surely he was aware of your feelings for him when he continued to (I am presuming) sleep with him?

For me, part of the reason I use to get so distressed over a breakup was the thought I'd never love again. I can tell you I always did.

Time is a great healer. It may help to think about what you can take from this relationship, good and bad.

If I were you I would be getting out of there asap and go no contact. Accept it's going to be a difficult journey ahead but take comfort you will get through it.

I've been where you are and don't envy you right now, but it's a journey most of us have been on and survived. Focus on looking after yourself.

when he continued to (I am presuming) sleep with you*?

Thank you for replying

I got on a train and left without a word, he was (and still is) fast asleep

I know he’ll try to say sorry but I guess it’s always been out of guilt and not because he means it

I feel like my whole world has fallen apart, I’m trying really hard not to cry in public

I'm sorry you're hurting. It sounds really hard.

In the long run you are much better off with him just telling you like it is - he has been completely honest with you so you need to accept that in order to heal and move forward.

It's not helpful for you to have any contact with him so I'd probably try to block him if possible so you're not tempted to contact him and he can't contact you.

Any contact is going to drag it out longer and it sounds like it's been dragged out long enough. It seems impossible at the moment but one day you won't want to get back together.

Morning. First of all well done for getting out of there and not let him see how devastated you are. Big hugs. As PP have said - no contact is the only way. And if he was the kind lovely man you are in love with he WOULD NOT have continued to sleep with you/see you/go on holiday with you after you had split up and knowing how you still felt about him. This break up will clear the way for something new in your life. Take it slowly and be kind to yourself.

I feel so sorry for you. Heartbreak is so, so painful. As others have said, make sure you don't have any contact now. It may be hard to believe right now, but you will get through this and you will get over him.

NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT

Did I mention NO CONTACT ?

And stop yourself from pain shopping. This is absolutely vital. Look it up.

Find ways of distracting yourself when your mind wanders. CBT techniques may help.

Find ways of filling your day that do not involve stuff you used to do together.

Reconnect with friends you saw less of because of him.

Exercise. Yes, really. You feel so much better and more energised after an hour of getting all sweaty.

Eat healthily. No alcohol, which is a depressant.

Read soppy novels or listen to Radio 4's Book at Bedtime. Or Woman's Hour...

Sorry, did I mention NO CONTACT ?

If nothing else, he's an arse for dropping that on you whilst you were 100 miles from home and reliant on the public transport timetable to escape the situation. The fact he was able to fall asleep afterwards is telling. Job done in his mind. Also reminds me of the guilty parties who can fall asleep when banged up in a police cell, when they know the game's up so a weight is lifted.

I think you're right about the guilty sorry. And, if he was continuing on in a 'friends with benefits' mode then that was cruel of him to allow that to happen at all. At best, he was extremely misguided if he thought he was giving you a soft-landing by keeping in contact.

He sounds rather a selfish arse. Windmill and Loopery's advice is true and good. You'll likely be imagining you'll never get through this pain, but you will. Trust them and trust yourself - you'll have the strength to get through this period of sheer shock and painful rawness. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

No man who cares about you will leave you in that state then take himself off to sleep without a worry. You are better off without him. Sounds like he's been having his cake and eating it since the original split. Now is the time for strength and dignity. You absolutely did the right thing by posting the keys and getting on that train, he will wake up probably expecting you to still be hanging around begging for his love. Don't ever give him the satisfaction. And if he tries contacting you don't reply! He can't keep messing you around.

I know it hurts but cliche as it is, time is a great healer. Things will get better for you.

When i read your post :"last time i see his face, last time i sit in his car" all i could think of was about all the "first times" you have ahead of you! Im sorry ure hurting now, just keep in your mind that you will be ok. Time puts everything in his place and you want to be with a man that loves you and wants to be with you. So that one wasnt for you. One day you will look back and be grateful . In the meantime be kind to urself and dont entertain him. No contact will help u faster.

Ugh

So sorry you've been used like this

He doesn't respect or care for you as a human being, let alone a friend.

Cut contact, stop dancing to his tune.

Don't accept his apologies when he wants to use you to sleep with again.

Yes, no contact, at all.

And do self help and/or counselling to reflect on your recent decisions about this relationship, to avoid this in future.

I got on a train and left without a word, he was (and still is) fast asleep

That's an odd comment - how do you know ? Are you messaging him?

As above, no contact. Don't even bother with recriminations, draw a BIG LINE. But allow yourself to grieve, as others have said. Not too long though!!

OP. One day at a time. You’ll be feeling awful but it will get better. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship and no doubt you are a lovely person. It’s going to be rough for a week, then less so the following week. Do nice things for yourself, make sure you have friends and family around you.

Most importantly and very hard I know do not contact him anymore. Do not answer texts/messages. It only prolongs the agony. Keep the power of walking away and not looking back with you.

You will meet someone really lovely. Work on your self esteem and love yourself. Look in the mirror and say ‘I’m worth more’ - every time you think about him, obliterate the thought with ‘I’m worth more’ . Hugs!

Very painful OP.

It sounds as if you have been living on false hope since you first ‘broke up’.

It seems so brutal, but his clean break now is the right thing. Honest, however painful for you.

Get home, cry your soul out, then put yourself back together piece by piece and with the help of friends.

My Big Break Up (many years ago) I set myself two goals for the end of the year (get fit and get a particular qualification). I threw myself into them and gave myself a huge boost of achievement and independence. (Met my next boyfriend at the gym, too).

Op you sound like a lovely person. The bright side of this is that you will feel better and you will go on to have happiness. At the time though it is awful! Just keep taking deep breaths. Try not to drink alcohol. Try to look after yourself well. If you have any hobbies then do them. This acutely awful feeling will pass but I totally feel for you. Well done for getting the train! You’re clearly taking care of yourself already. It’s grief. It’s painful. Ultimately you will come through it and be a stronger person. I am thinking of you and sending you love and if I was with you I’d make you a coffee and give you a hug. You’ll be ok. Talk to friends and family today if you can.

@BlouseAndSkirt I really like this idea- setting yourself particular goals. That’s fantastic advice. Op once you have cried and got over the initial shock, choosing something to achieve this year is a great idea. That means you are always moving forward and every loss has a gain to follow. I love that. Good luck op. I’m think of you.

JFC he's an arsehole. Just wanted to be friends - BULLSHIT. If he only wanted friendship he wouldn't have slept with you.

He turned you into a FWB booty call which suited him, now he's met someone else (guarantee it) so he needs to finish things with you so he can move on to the next one.

NO CONTACT. You need to delete and block. Block him on everything so that you can't look on social media. Snooze any mutual friends so that you don't get anything with him in it.

I know it hurts now, but trust me it will be easier in two weeks, and then again in a month, and in three months and so on. Until one day you'll wake up and wonder how you ever found such a weaselly little twat attractive.

In the meantime, focus on the fact that he dumped you whilst you were mile away from home with nowhere else to go, and then went off to bed to sleep whilst you were crying downstairs. Not the actions of a decent person.

NO CONTACT.

Your world as you knew it has fallen apart. It has given way for something else.

I split with my partner of almost 5 years several years ago. I remember that feeling of 'what now?'

Well, today I'm much happier, stronger and with a man that treats me incredible and who I adore. None of this would have happened without my breakup.

Keep looking forward. There are reasons you split, even if you can't handle focusing on them right now.

I think it’s totally normal to feel in shock and as though you are grieving at the end of a relationship. Give yourself a little time to wallow but please don’t let your feelings overwhelm you for too long.

Find positive ways to distract your attention, like exercise, spending time with friends and family, trying a new hobby.

You will be okay OP, it just takes time.

And as other have said, absolutely no contact.

Oh OP. What he did was incredibly cruel. You are worth so much more than someone who can treat you like that. Agree with others, no contact. Block/delete and ignore.

On my experience, heartache is a real, physical pain. Cry as much as you
Need to. Wallow if it helps.
But I promise you that time helps the healing. And the suggestion of an ambition to work towards and achieve this year is a fantastic idea.
Keep no contact for your own sake. Any contact will simply reopen the wound.
It will get easier. You will be happy again.