Heartbroken and dont know what to do

[AgeOfDragons]

Me and my partner split a few months back but have been speaking every day and seeing each other, other than the label nothing had changed (we even went on holiday)

Today at 3am he told me he never wanted to get back together again and he didn’t want anything to do with me from this point on.

I was/am at his house 100miles from where I live. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, I don’t want this to be the end of it, but he says he will never change his mind. I was so distressed I threw up (tmi sorry) and couldn’t breathe, I’ve never felt pain like it, it was like someone had died. He fell asleep upstairs after what he’d said while I was crying downstairs.

He just wanted us to be friends this whole time apparently, but I’m not able to because I’m so in love with him.

Because it’s so early the trains aren’t on yet so i took his car keys to sit in the car with the heat on until they start in about an hour. I’ll post his keys and go and I guess that will be that.

I’m just sat here thinking this is the last time I’ll see this house, the last time I’ll sit in this car. Could’ve even been the last time I saw his face

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

Awww OP. Try not to be full of regrets. It’s hard I know! Try to have something nice to look forward to every day - however small. Do lots of self care and treat yourself kindly.
Also, now it’s over - you are now on the path to meeting someone wonderful one day. It will happen! If you wake up in the night and can’t sleep, try to concentrate on your breathing it really helps. And obliterate any thoughts of him with the words ‘I deserve better’

Hes been stringing you along I think. In time you'll probably get angry and that usually fuels the getting over process along.
Although its horrible its normal and the intensity of it will soon start to fade. Sometimes it's just getting through the day. You will tough.
Try to keep busy, surround yourself with lovely people if you can and be kind to yourself.

I can still remember how I felt when I was dumped over the phone by “the love of my life” over 40 years ago. I couldn’t eat / sleep and was crying at work. Anyway a year later I met my now DH.
In some ways it was easier then- no social media and I didn’t drive in those days so going NC ( we didn’t call it that) was easier.
If you can think of the day he told you as Day 1/ the worst day ever then every subsequent day will be slightly better.

I’m not really doing very well at the minute, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without speaking to him since we started talking

I’m really not coping

I’m sorry you are struggling. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. How long were you together?

Please stop pain shopping!
You must find ways of distracting yourself when those memories enter your head.
Have you looked into CBT techniques?

Whenever you feel yourself starting to fall into that pit of despair, can you try to do something that gives you joy?
Do whatever it takes to fake it till you make it.

And always remember: he wasn't who you thought he was.
You are torturing yourself over an illusion.

We were together a couple of years so not long in the grand scheme of things. We went through the worst time of either of our lives together though due to a tragic incident. Unfortunately noones ever stayed with me longer than a couple of years so I feel like I’m unbearable to be with and not worth staying for. I’m sure that’s just my mental health talking He felt very different to my previous relationships, we were extremely close friends and learned to communicate with each other very well.

I’ve been really struggling tonight so I decided to go look at photos of my other ex (that I used to find painful memories) and when I looked at them I felt nothing. I used it to remind myself I won’t feel this way forever.

I will look at CBT techniques thank you

I have this really dramatised brain, like someone out of a book or movie. I had an abusive childhood and think the only way I learned about love was from movies.

So there’s this huge urge in me to do the dramatic “drive in the rain at 3am and knock on his door” as if he would open it and embrace me and live happily ever after, blah blah you get the picture

I absolutely 100% will not do that by the way!! I’m only mentioning it to kind of show that I’m having to battle against that (along with poor impulse control due to the BPD). My brain gives me stupid unrealistic expectations that I have to shut down with logic

I’m also a recovering alcoholic, in the past I would turn to alcohol for comfort/to forget. So I’m fighting the good fight to stay away from that. Especially as one of the reasons he said we split is due to damage caused by my previous heavy drinking - although I think that may just be an excuse he was grasping at and would’ve left me either way.

I hear you OP. Don’t do the dramatic drive though. It’s hard to resist but he’s told you he wants out so it’s time to let it go. You will get over it and find somebody who makes you happy. Are you having counselling?

OP, please look into CBT counselling. I had it for similar issues and it was life changing.

@ageofdragons I just wanted to say how sorry I am. The way you express your feeling reminds me a lot of me so I almost feel like I can understand your pain. It's an awful place to be in and you are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve, and try and eat something, even a bit. Keeping your strength up, even a little bit, will help.
Do you have anyone IRL you can speak to? Someone who will just let you cry?
My only advice is to not stop your feelings. Techniques to stop your feelings will only make them bigger. Don't fight it. Go through it and trust that it will pass without forcing it.
Oh and, like PP have said, do your best to stay NC while you go through this.

I promise, no matter how much you're hurting right now, it will get better

I'm a bit like you OP, things will be going very well for me, and I'm happy, then all of a sudden my brain with throw me something I should be unhappy with, for example someone's recent behaviour, even tho at the time it didn't affect me, but then later my brain will be like u should be unhappy with that, cue me creating a massive drama out of it, I cry and get upset and therefore I have made myself upset (prob not described that in the best way) I also had an abusive neglected childhood too :( i now stop myself doing this, a key phrase Iv learned along the way is "your thoughts are not you" they do no define who u are, just because you think try doesn't mean they are true :) it's helps me sometimes

I'm having MBTi counselling for my BPD but i've never had CBT before so i'm trying to look into it now. I meet with someone once a week/fortnight but might have to boost that while i'm in this state.

Thank you for sharing that you have similar feelings/reactions to me, somehow now i just don't feel so alone. I do feel like i'm grieving, i feel like my best friend has suddenly died. I've started writing in a diary and every time i want to message my ex, i put it in a note on my phone instead and carry on trying to get through the day.

I'm struggling with not eating and oversleeping. And crying randomly at small things that remind me of him (which is everything) I've been talking to a friend who was reminding me not to look through rose tinted glasses and see the problems that we had. It's wonderful advice and i'm trying to pop those reminders in my head, unfortunately that person is also trying to move the grieving process a little too fast for me. Imagine for example someone trying to get you up out of bed and carrying on with life 24 hours after someone very close to you has died. I need time to cope and process, which unfortunately will mean a bit of moping. I've said when i manage to eat again properly i will come to the gym with them.

just because you think it doesn't mean they are true I really relate to having to do this, and i should definitely start doing it more because i barely do it at all.

Part of the reason we aren't together is because both our mental health's are bad (after the traumatic event) and we were codependent on each other. He says he can't heal without space. I understand that, so i'm trying my best. I think i need to heal too, more than i possibly knew.

I've made another post on MN about learning how to travel alone, we had a lot of plans to travel together so i think i should try and do that a little bit.

The best thing to help me, what my counsellor said to me,,,, he said imagine if you could go back in time to your younger self (when I was being neglected and abused) what would you say to her?? I said I would give her a big hug and tell her she isn't always going to feel like this and that her life won't always be like this,,,, he said to give myself a hug and tell yourself that now :) it's always stuck with me this and when times are hard I still tell myself this :)

Lorddenning1

Thank you that's actually really helpful, i have a tendency to be very cruel to myself so i need to do things like this

Same, shite isn't it, u seem to understand your own feelings and can process them well :) you will get there you just need some time to adjust, this is your new life now, slowly you will get there, one day at a time x

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

The truth is that even though you split up, you stayed in contact past the point of when you should have.

You were still hoping for more and perhaps saw this prolonged contact as a conduit through which you might get back together.

As for his motivations I can't say why he continued contact.
You both had wobbly boundaries and did not properly separate.
He wanted something different from you.

It's not easy and it does feel painful and difficult but you will survive and get past this, if you now cut off all contact.

No more 'friendship' or holidaying together. He has done you a favour by being so blunt with you.

By continuing contact after splitting up, you both prolonged the break up and the inevitable. It's like continually reopening a wound.

Take it easy and be kind to yourself. Do what is necessary to keep going but if you need to cry in bed for a bit, that's okay. Lean on your real friends. One day it won't feel like this has you'll know you have moved on. It is possible if you give yourself the chance to grieve the loss.

I’m not sure if this is a normal thought process but has anyone ever struggled with feeling like they wasted so much time arguing, that now they wish they had treasured?

I’m angry at myself for having fights over stupid tiny things when I could’ve been making happy memories. I feel mad at myself for every time I snapped at him or said something I regret.

I feel like someone is repeatedly punching me in the chest

Also a weird one, because I know how it feels to finally get over someone and not want them anymore I’m actually scared of that happening this time?

Like I don’t want to look at him and see regret, or not be attracted to him. I’ve never been so close to anyone in my life, not even family. I don’t want to one day see him and not feel love

What Deadsouls said.

The only thing I would add is: differentiate between sitting with your pain and wallowing in your pain.

The former helps you process everything and come out the other end and in a better place, whereas the latter just results in you sinking in a pit of despair and risk getting sucked into the needy need of wanting to contact him.

I know how it feels to finally get over someone and not want them anymore I’m actually scared of that happening this time

You don't want to lose the illusion of what might have been. It's comforting in a way to hold on to that.

But you know, rationally, that it is an illusion.

I think I am wallowing and I don’t know how to make it stop, I seem to be able to cope(ish) during the day and then at night I break down completely

I managed until just past midnight and then had a huge panic attack and now I’m a wreck

I’ve never done this before but I actually called the Samaritans because I feel so alone and scared. The lines were too busy and they said to try again later

Also in past relationships they had usually cheated or moved on while we were together and I’ve never had to deal with this sudden absolute fear of someone moving on with someone else