Heartbroken and dont know what to do

[AgeOfDragons]

Me and my partner split a few months back but have been speaking every day and seeing each other, other than the label nothing had changed (we even went on holiday)

Today at 3am he told me he never wanted to get back together again and he didn’t want anything to do with me from this point on.

I was/am at his house 100miles from where I live. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, I don’t want this to be the end of it, but he says he will never change his mind. I was so distressed I threw up (tmi sorry) and couldn’t breathe, I’ve never felt pain like it, it was like someone had died. He fell asleep upstairs after what he’d said while I was crying downstairs.

He just wanted us to be friends this whole time apparently, but I’m not able to because I’m so in love with him.

Because it’s so early the trains aren’t on yet so i took his car keys to sit in the car with the heat on until they start in about an hour. I’ll post his keys and go and I guess that will be that.

I’m just sat here thinking this is the last time I’ll see this house, the last time I’ll sit in this car. Could’ve even been the last time I saw his face

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

I spoke to him briefly on WhatsApp just now for the last time, to try and get some closure. But it didn't really help. He said sorry over and over. I told him about the future life i'd lost that i was grieving for. When i asked what should i say to the kids he said "i dont know, dont want to think about it"

To quote from my previous post:-

*NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS

And do avoid pain shopping at all costs.*

You ignored everyone's good advice, and you got hurt. Again.

I know this is hard, but unless you get yourself out of this pit of despair, your suffering will continue.

Cut all contact, stop wallowing, stop pain shopping, stop dreaming of what might have been. Right now you need to focus on your children and create a new life for your little family.

Bottom line: he isn't who you thought he was, he was never going to deliver what you were hoping for - and you don't need him.

^'I've been watching some motivational videos to try and show myself that no contact is for the best.

• If it means we work things out in months or years because we got the time we needed then great.
• If it means he meets someone else and moves on then at least i know the type of person he is (like my ex, one i don't want).
• And if it means he discovers he's happier not being in touch then i obviously never meant what i thought i did and i'm better off without the relationship. I hope that makes sense.'^

You're still thinking he might get back with you. Even if he did, he might do it all again. Draw a line under it.

No contact is for the best because you are not wasting your time and energy on a dead end, and repeatedly being hurt by his comments.

As to how to move on- I found stuff to do locally. See any friends you have, and go out and make new ones. Go on a course or whatever- anything to remind yourself there's more to life than him.

Yes, even if he did want to re start a relationship, it’d be another poor decision to say yes given his past behaviour, which is the best predictor of the future. If you had no DC it’d be a bad choice; with DC it’d be an irresponsible one.

So it was your birthday weekend, you were 100 miles away from home reliant on public transport and he decided to finish things in the early hours when you couldn’t get home? Furthermore, he went to sleep when you started vomiting and crying instead of showing one ounce of compassion? What a great guy .

One day you really will look back and see how much of an arsewipe he actually is. Stay single for a while, work on yourself and focus on your DC. They need you and with the kindest intentions, you really do need to get a grip for their sake. I know heartbreak is agonising but they need their Mum. Keep him blocked, you will get over it in time.

Statements like this and about your kids seem very dramatic Oh, I’m sorry I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so this feels like the end of the world at the moment. I didn’t want to come across as dramatic I’m just in a lot of pain

Really appreciate everyone’s comments and I’ll do my best to stick with no contact and try to pick myself up.

I’m going to leave the thread as it’s becoming a little harsh for me to handle and I’m feeling really weak and sensitive.

But I do appreciate the time you guys have taken to reply because I don’t have any friends to talk to about it in real life, thank you, wishing everyone well

You are in control of future hurt with this man. Let him go for your own sake. He's cruel. I hope you take him off the pedestal and see that he isn't the great loss you think he is

JKScot4 - I’m sorry I came across as nippy it wasn’t on purpose

I think maybe what I’m typing was reading in a different tone to how I’m thinking it as I type I don’t use sarcasm so if anything sounds like that, try reading it in a genuinely remorseful tone

Thank you

I hope you stay. It sounds like you need the support. It's so very hard. Most of us have been there. Hugs 💐☕🍰

I have been there and it i so painful
But here is what I learnt

Going no contact IS the only way forward
No matter how painful this is ..and it is....a day will come and you will not have these feelings for him
You will meet someone else
But the sooner you stop thinking about him the sooner you are free to invite that other man into your life

So here is my advice
Set a time to grief...dont waste too much of your life on this man who does not feel the way you do. ( he sounds kinda weak to me)

Learn everything you can about yourself from this so you can be ready when you meet the person who can and will make you happy

Change your mind set...the world is full of all kinds of opportunities and possibilities.....you can have a wonderful life you just need to let go of this doomed relationship and the idea that is some great love story...it is not ....

This will make you a stronger wiser person...in a way he has done you a favour ...people come into our lives to teach us about ourselves. learn the lesson now and you wont repeat it

OP please don’t leave. Ignore @JKScot4. Perhaps they’ve never been so in love and had their heart broken and if that’s the case then they’re extremely lucky. You aren’t being dramatic at all! Grieving for the life you would’ve had is perfectly normal when you go through a breakup. That’s part of the pain! So please ignore them

In regards to my previous post - yeah we did end up back together almost a year later. From the day we broke up I made absolutely no contact despite desperately wanting to so I know how hard it is. He eventually got back in touch 9 months later, he’d realised a lot of stuff and he’d been working on himself during our time apart. We talked and talked for a few months before trying again and things have been great since

There are sometimes happy endings but please don’t live thinking that he might come back, because he might not. And to live like that isn’t fair on you

You’ll probably find it’s the smallest things that hurt just as much as the bigger things. Like when you see something that you want to take a photo of to send him then it’ll hit you again. I remember walking the dog round the field in tears because usually he’d be walking next to me.

Try not to think of the future. Take each day as it comes and have something planned to look forward to. Even if it’s your favourite dinners, watching your favourite programme etc all these things will make a difference

I don’t think you’re being Nippy! Please don’t leave because one person said that.

And what’s this obsession on here with telling people they are ‘drip feeding’. Sometimes not everything has to be said in the original post.

Jeez...

@AgeOfDragons as a BPD sufferer myself I really feel for you and I know that we can struggle to communicate how we actually feel so please don't leave.

I truly hope you are okay, I too take heartbreak really badly and have spiraled in the past but always came through the other side so I know you will too

@AgeOfDragons

Please don’t leave, we can be your online friends. Ignore the nasty ones, it’s an anonymous forum so nasty people do pop up.

You may not be ready yet but have you tried meet-up to socialise?

Op I haven't read the full thread but can remember being young and a similar thing happened to me. It felt worse than a bereavement. Had my boyfriend died, he would have had no choice, but he had chosen to leave me. I remember one day thinking I wanted to stay in bed forever. 8 months later I met someone else and he is my soul mate. We have been together 30 years now. Had I married the other boyfriend, we would have been divorced by now. It will be hard, but ignore any contact he tries to make. Good luck

Lots of us have been where you are. Two years ago I was besotted with someone who was an absolute head fuck. I knew he was wrong for me but yet I still yearned for him. It’s totally normal to feel like that. Two years on and a part of me still loves him but I keep my distance as he was so bad for my mental health. The highs were amazing and the lows were devastating. Just message us if you’re feeling desperate or get tempted to contact him x

I came back to check if my apology had been accepted and honestly i'm so touched by all your kindness. The comments on this have meant so much to me, just to know that others have been through it and came out the other side and that there's hope

I'm struggling not to mope but i'm trying to do self care things like bubble baths and buying myself a nice candle.

I had a little read about the 'pain shopping' and luckily think i learned that lesson with my last ex. Because no matter what i asked him or found out about his cheating, he would always lie and there would always be more. It's left me in a place where i don't search for answers anymore knowing that you never get what you "want", but it has made me very paranoid about things that probably aren't occurring.

please don’t live thinking that he might come back, because he might not. And to live like that isn’t fair on you I agree with this, i need to find a way to live for myself and then hopefully life will work out no matter what the outcome is. I've decided to try and focus on starting a new career maybe when the kids are both in school, or doing up my house with the spare time that i'll be having.

I'm still struggling to want to eat, i don't know if that's normal. I'm having to force feed myself little bits.

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories of life getting better and definitely also appreciate all the advice (and hugs ive been getting)

I think i will check back on this thread instead of leaving, hopefully the internet is kind to me

This was me a year and a half ago, 10 yrs together and 2 dc later, he decided it was over, 2 weeks later he meets someone else, I'm left alone with 2 kids and heart broken, felt like my life was over, couldn't eat couldn't sleep, had to be signed off work for a bit, but slowly over time I realised I was better than that, and it took all my strength to pull myself together and carry on, I found my self worth and was happy it was over as we were t happy for years, it does take time and although it doesn't feel like it u have to just take it day by day, before you know it weeks, months and years go by and u don't realise how much you change, but you do. I have now found love with someone else and Iv never been happier

Just each day as it comes Op

You are doing great, you really are

I'm so sorry to read this. I went through a similar situation about 6 months ago. It was the worst thing I have ever had to go through. I have just about come out the other side now but I still have days when my ex is all I can think about. Nothing anyone says can stop the pain but please please please don't go through this alone. My friends were and still are amazing and I couldn't have got through each day without them. I spent weeks probably months crying, I couldn't sleep or eat and was physically sick. Most days it was all I could do to even get out of bed. I never thought I'd be where I am now, it still hurts but I am getting there. I wish I had listened to the no contact rule but I just couldn't help myself. As soon as I blocked him (it took me over 6 wks) I felt I had a tiny bit of control back. It was particularly hard as we live so close and have all the same friends but I just had to find other places to meet friends as it was just too painful to see him carrying on as if nothing had happened. I completely understand how you feel and I know it doesn't feel like it now but in time you will start to feel better. Just take each day as it comes and try to keep busy and surround yourself with loved ones (even though you won't always feel like it)
I really hope you start to feel stronger soon x

Glad you came back

Definitely take the time to do things for you and your kids. Decorating the house sounds like a good idea. Perhaps on a Monday think ‘right this weekend I’m taking the kids to pizza hut’ as then it gives you something to look forward to during the week rather than thinking ‘I’m dreading the weekend, I would usually be seeing him and now I’m not’ kinda thing.

You are doing great!

Definitely go no contact. Set yourself a goal with it, start with 30 days, cross the days off as you go. 30 days is a good start. If you’re still struggling, give yourself a further 30 days. Delete him on all social media. Even if he contacts you, just delete and ignore. You need to claim back your power and take his away. No contact is really hard but I promise you, it’s worth it. You will start to forget to cross the days off and soon won’t care what’s he’s up to. Today that may seem impossible but it really isn’t.
Children are resilient, depending on their age they might never remember him and after a month or so won’t likely mention him unless they are reminded about him. Being in a bad relationship is much worse for children to see. By getting out of it, you are teaching them that it’s ok to break up if it’s not right, surly if it was one of them in the future, you wouldn’t want them to be with someone who disrespected them so this is in a way is good for them to see, knowing you are independent and don’t need to have someone like that in your life.

All you can do now is get though each day a minute and an hour at a time.

You need to accept he doesn't love you, and doesn't really care about you. To treat you like this is horribly cruel, and no amount of apologies should make this right for you.

You must cut all contact with him. Total. Do not accept calls, apologies, anything. Block his number. Block on all social media. Don't look at his Facebook profile, or anything else. Throw away everything that reminds you of him. Photos and very personal items, stick in a box and put it at the back of the wardrobe.

Every single reminder of him will keep the pair raw and the wound open, so you must block him completely.

Thank you for your advice, i'm trying to make myself small achievable goals but everything feels like such a struggle. Like i'm full of lead.

Today once the kids were in school i slept all day just so i didn't have to feel anything. Oldest DC is 8 and will definitely notice his absence so for now i've said he's really busy at uni with exams and stuff.

I'm finding it hard just even seeing funny things on the internet that i would normally tag him in to show him. I know he has a friend he usually does that kind of thing with so i bet he isn't missing that interaction. My mind won't stop wondering if he even misses me at all, but i have a cruel mind with intrusive thoughts.

I'm going to get a box tomorrow to put all the stuff in i can't bare to part with yet, then i can put it in the wardrobe. I'm a collector of ticket stubs and "moments". When me and ex-ex split it took me months to throw them out/burn them but i managed in the end. This will be even harder i think. Luckily i learned my lesson and didn't have them displayed on my wall this time

I feel full of regrets today, i know it's all just a part of the grieving process but somehow doesn't make it any easier