Heartbroken and dont know what to do

[AgeOfDragons]

Me and my partner split a few months back but have been speaking every day and seeing each other, other than the label nothing had changed (we even went on holiday)

Today at 3am he told me he never wanted to get back together again and he didn’t want anything to do with me from this point on.

I was/am at his house 100miles from where I live. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, I don’t want this to be the end of it, but he says he will never change his mind. I was so distressed I threw up (tmi sorry) and couldn’t breathe, I’ve never felt pain like it, it was like someone had died. He fell asleep upstairs after what he’d said while I was crying downstairs.

He just wanted us to be friends this whole time apparently, but I’m not able to because I’m so in love with him.

Because it’s so early the trains aren’t on yet so i took his car keys to sit in the car with the heat on until they start in about an hour. I’ll post his keys and go and I guess that will be that.

I’m just sat here thinking this is the last time I’ll see this house, the last time I’ll sit in this car. Could’ve even been the last time I saw his face

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

Oh Sweetheart - this scoundrel isn't worth your pain!!

Surely you can see this.

You are worth so much more than him. Can you try to value yourself a bit more?

Oh you poor thing, I have been there, it feels like it’s never going to end. Is there any way you can start having CBT therapy? I did this when I was in a similar position to you (but after an abusive relationship) and it helped me so much. Can you get a doctors appointment too? You may be able to get some free help that way.
Have you got friends and family close by who can support you?

I think that your feelings about break up are normal. It is good as you are starting to process.

I think be careful of online support to be honest. We don't know you or know your situation really, and you may hear supportive words and then think "All these people like me and say I am great, I will go and see him and he will realise he loves me" at 3 am (like you said) or "Everyone online thinks he is a rat - I hate him and want to tell him that" at 3 am - neither is fair on him, or you or anyone else, and so just be wary of putting too much stock on what people say here. You are better off getting decent help in real life from your therapist.

I would also be wary of doing things like travel if you are thinking inside "If I do this he will love me, and if I do that he will be impressed". You need to be yourself and follow your own path. Also remember you aren't travelling as a single woman you are travelling with 2 young dc. I love travel and went to exciting far flung places before dc and I can tell you, travel with dc is fantastic but it is not the same. Really it is for them. And another thing - it is expensive and if you can afford it that is a blessing for you to be thankful for, it is good to find things to be thankful for when you are sad.

You are saying you are afraid of not loving him. You said that you didn't learn about love as a child, and maybe you have been given a small lesson in love here, which you can use to build relationships in the future. He has said he doesn't feel the same way or want it, but that doesn't matter, because you felt something you hadn't before and that will help you in the future, not related to him.

Try to really focus on loving your dc and letting them love you, as they need you at the moment. You are sad that they have lost this man, but really all they need and want is you. They may be grateful to have more of you, now part of you isn't going to him. I might sound mean but a lot of this is you, you, you and by thinking about them (and him by respecting what he has said by staying away) that focus away from yourself will help you move on at the same time as learning about yourself.

@inspiremewithyourdesign great advice :)

Hope you doing ok Op

Hope you’re doing okay OP!

@AgeOfDragons
How are you holding up?

So much of your posts remind me of myself when my first big relationship ended. We worked together and had to keep working together after he broke up with me. Like you, we remained exactly like before, just the label had changed. We were not god for each other in the long run and when I left that job I also went no contact, which was when I finally grieved the relationship we had had and I had thought we'd get back to.
I don't regret anything, as every experience has shaped me to who I am today, and I have now been with my new OH for 15 years and we have a DD. I am very happy now.

I had CBT a long time ago for something different and I thought of a technique that might be of use to you.

When the thoughts that cause you distress come ask yourself this:
Is this thought true?
Is it helpful?
What is a better way of thinking about it?

So for example:
This funny videos makes me want to text him and I'm sad I can't. He's not missing this as he has it with his friend, it's just me. It hurts to think about this.
Is it true? Yes, no, maybe, I'm not really sure.
Even if it is true is it helpful to me to think this? Definitely not as it's bringing my thought to spiral downwards.
What is a better way for me to think about this? This video is funny. I can appreciate that it's funny to me. Yes it reminds me of him, but it doesn't have to drag me down. I can acknowledge that it reminds me of him and then appreciate it for me. Maybe my DC or friend will like this too.

I used to have a little notebook and a pen to write it down every time.

Hope you are okay @AgeOfDragons If you find yourself in a panic attack (I get them) download head space and listen to the free ten min mindfulness exercises. No weird music or anything. His voice is very soothing and calming. I hope it helps you.

Believe every day and really tell yourself you are meant for and deserve better. Hold your head high and breathe through each day as it comes. Big hugs xx