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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken and dont know what to do

134 replies

AgeOfDragons · 27/01/2020 04:26

Me and my partner split a few months back but have been speaking every day and seeing each other, other than the label nothing had changed (we even went on holiday)

Today at 3am he told me he never wanted to get back together again and he didn’t want anything to do with me from this point on.

I was/am at his house 100miles from where I live. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, I don’t want this to be the end of it, but he says he will never change his mind. I was so distressed I threw up (tmi sorry) and couldn’t breathe, I’ve never felt pain like it, it was like someone had died. He fell asleep upstairs after what he’d said while I was crying downstairs.

He just wanted us to be friends this whole time apparently, but I’m not able to because I’m so in love with him.

Because it’s so early the trains aren’t on yet so i took his car keys to sit in the car with the heat on until they start in about an hour. I’ll post his keys and go and I guess that will be that.

I’m just sat here thinking this is the last time I’ll see this house, the last time I’ll sit in this car. Could’ve even been the last time I saw his face Sad

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move on, I just wanted to be with him always. How do people cope with the pain and the loss?

OP posts:
BaolFan · 27/01/2020 08:54

On my experience, heartache is a real, physical pain

Yes, I agree with this. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest - an actual physical pain. It was horrible.

Be very kind to yourself right now. You need to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Gazelda is right that time is a great healer - I know it's a cliche but like all good cliches it's mostly true.

Fuckitwhynot · 27/01/2020 09:00

Get angry, he’s kept you hanging on as an option while he's been lining up the next one. Now he’s sealed the deal you’re surplus to requirements.
He’s used you terribly knowing how you feel about him and how much it would hurt you.
He’s a an utter bastard and you deserve better, block him now for your own sanity. Be kind to yourself and know you’re worth a million of that piece of shit.

Straycatstrut · 27/01/2020 09:23

Mine did this exact thing to me too. The pain was the same - I cried and cried and cried on and off for months. Full on loud sobs. I had a 2 year old and a 6 year old as well.

It's that old saying of time is a healer. It just takes a lot of it! The grieving is all part of the process.

You hit rock bottom, no where else to go, then you can start to pick yourself up and start again.

It feels impossible right now, I know. You just need to ride it out.

So many of us have been there, and in a few years it'll be you who is offering support.

Don't let him use you or treat you badly ever again.

Hugs Flowers

Emmajayne1991 · 27/01/2020 09:29

You've already done one of the hardest parts which was to walk away before he woke up rather than waiting in the hope that he would change his mind.

To be able to sleep after treating someone that way says a lot about the type of person he is, you deserve someone who will treat with well and love you in a way he didn't or wasn't capable of as a person.

You need to take time out for yourself, concentrate on your happiness and you will find love again better than you thought you had with him.

Don't contact him he will be expecting you to be begging him back the shock will come when hearing nothing from you, and you moving forward with your own life without him. Your be the one who ends up the happiest ❤️

Original poster
AgeOfDragons · 27/01/2020 09:32

Honestly thank you all so much for what you’re saying, I am taking it in

For the PP who asked about me mentioning he was still asleep, it’s because he usually sleeps in and would have absolutely messaged/rang me by now to see where I’ve gone otherwise

No contact sounds like my absolute worst nightmare but I really do understand that it needs to be done

Agree so much about the physical pain, I know it sounds dramatic but while sobbing I felt like I was dying inside. Now I feel like my chest has been crushed and I’m just walking about numb trying to pretend I’m not in agony

I’d give anything to stop the thoughts of just wishing he would change his mind Sad because I know that’s not how the world works

OP posts:
Original poster
AgeOfDragons · 27/01/2020 09:33

Thank you all so very much for being so nice

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/01/2020 09:36

It might also help to consider he wasn't as great as you've thought he was. Good, decent people don't use people.

Do lots of nice things for yourself.Flowers

PGtipsplease · 27/01/2020 09:38

This pain will pass. I’ve been there. Get a journal and write down your thoughts to get them out of your head. But honestly this pain will pass in time Flowers

Hadtoask · 27/01/2020 13:29

How are you feeling now op? Try to stay strong. You will get through this remember.

FlowerArranger · 27/01/2020 13:55

Remember...:

NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS

And do avoid pain shopping at all costs.

You can do this

TheStuffedPenguin · 27/01/2020 14:16

I think if you are honest OP then you know that you were hoping he was going to say "YES lets get back together again" and that is why you were still sleeping with him etc. We've all been there . No One forced you to do this . You've just added another 3 months on - a time when you could have been starting a new life . Anyway now is the time for that - yes it bloody hurts but you will get over it . You must however cease all contact .

loobyloo1234 · 27/01/2020 14:20

Block him OP. It lessens the 'will he text me' side for starters.

He's mean doing that when you are so far from home. Why would you want someone who does that in your life? Put yourself first. He hasn't. You deserve better. Keep telling yourself that

Buggedandconfused · 27/01/2020 14:29

OP, once you get over the pain of the separation you will see that he is not a good person, he’s not a kind person, he’s not relationship material. He is selfish. Cruel even.

Do not blame yourself.

Do not think if you’d been different this wouldn’t have happened.

DO think to yourself ‘I am worth more than this low bar man’ do think ‘I am a good, kind, caring person & he does not deserve me’

Whether he is with another woman or not, he will treat her exactly the same way as he’s treated you, because HE is the problem. It may take weeks, months or a year or so but the same shit will play out because he is a defunct, emotionally immature, stupid fool of a man.

abracadabra1234 · 27/01/2020 14:30

How are you doing op ? There is nothing worse than someone breaking up with you who you love . I felt like I was dying too . Was with my ex from 15 to 24 and he basically woke up one morning and didn't love me anymore . Took me over a year to get over him . The 1st 6 months were the worse ever . I felt like someone has died . I was so sad . Now 12 years later looking back he wasn't as great as I thought he was . And it was his loss . I met some else two years later and he started texting me saying he still loved me and wanted me back . Thankfully I was over him by then . But I never ever want to feel the way I did and wouldn't wish it on anyone . I felt so alone no amount of help from friends or family changed anything for me . I couldn't eat . Sleep . I was depressed even went to the doctors for anti depressants. Never in a million years did I ever think I would meet anyone else or ever get over him but I have and if I can do it any one can ❤️ do not text him . Do not let him hear or see you cry . Let him think that you have accepted it and are going to get on with your life . He will get that . You will get there I promise you xxx

Original poster
AgeOfDragons · 27/01/2020 16:37

Thank you, i am doing as best i can (bare minimum). He hasn't tried to get in contact at all yet. But i would not be surprised if he was still in bed.

I do feel like i'm never going to get over him/this, although the logical part of my brain agrees with what you're all saying that i'll be fine in time. It just hurts so much.

I feel like a sulking child, because i want to just scream "but i WANT this, why can't i have it? Why am i not enough". Then i get embarrassed for feeling that way.

I think the hardest part is i know he's got some satisfaction of feeling like he done the right thing, and i wish i was brave enough to have done it first but i kept giving in and replying to his messages.

I had my heart broken a few years back by my last boyfriend, who cheated on me with multiple different women and he was a nasty piece of work. Somehow this feels even worse because it really just felt like a problem we could "work through" and then he just turns around and says he hasn't actually wanted me for a long time.

Why not just leave and save me repeated pain Sad

OP posts:
AdaKirkby · 27/01/2020 16:44

So sorry OP. Something similar happened to me and going No Contact was the only thing to do but it was so hard. I wanted answers when in reality, he had checked out months earlier and had already come to terms with his decision and made plans to move forward. Whereas I went into shock.

If it helps, I met the love of my life 4 months later - we’re still together, have a child and live happily together.

AdaKirkby · 27/01/2020 16:53

Be kind to yourself. Try and do some exercise and get outside for a walk (I found this helped). Treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Just do a few things a week that make you happy. I know it’s hard and the only thing that will really help is time.

MadisonMontgomery · 27/01/2020 16:56

Just think, the hardest part is over - it is onwards & upwards from here. Someone that could do that to you is not someone you want in your life - block/delete him on EVERYTHING. And I would have drained his car battery so you’re a better person than me!

Dozer · 27/01/2020 18:25

You could save YOURSELF repeated pain, now and in the future. By going NC today, permanently, then taking different decisions when someone you’re dating doesn’t treat you well or isn’t into you.

stophuggingme · 27/01/2020 18:31

He sounds awful
Making you sleep in a fucking car so he could get his head down after dumping you miles from home with no way of leaving?!?!

Make sure you keep this at the forefront of you mind.
NOBODY worth one of your tears or a second thought would do that to you

MarthasGinYard · 27/01/2020 18:39

Op bless you

It's the worst feeling in the world

But honestly, if a good friend was recollecting this story in RL you would be appalled I'm sure.

Thanks
Buggedandconfused · 27/01/2020 19:24

Hope you are ok OP. Each day it will get better, I promise you 💐

Strongmummy · 27/01/2020 19:28

It’s a cliche but time is the best healer.
Plus now he’s out of the way you can do so many fabulous things , meet amazing new people. Take it slow and be gentle with yourself.
He sounds like a horrible user

BumbleBeee69 · 27/01/2020 19:38

OP take the control... Block him... be in charge of you here on in Flowers

TheMistressQuickly · 27/01/2020 19:44

I know it’s hard but if you block him it takes the agony of waiting for him to text.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you x

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