is this a big red flag? Or am I a big red flag?

[aquickfiresidechat]

I've been dating someone for a year. He works in the Geneva office of my company and he travels to London, and I to Geneva, once every other week, so it works out that we have seen each other for a period of days (2 or 3) each week staying at each other's flats/or hotels.

In the company we have a bulletin that goes round daily saying who is in which office within Europe. New man and I also have access to each other's calendars so some days I like to see what he is up to and imagine him going about his day and I always imagined he liked this too.

Anyway, we both went away separately for Christmas and came back early January. We were talking and chatting regularly on the phone like we always do about when we could next see each other. He then went on a business trip and was busy with meetings and time difference, so we did not get a chance to speak much.

Two weeks ago, I noticed on the company bulletin that he was due to be in London the next day. I assumed he had just forgotten to mention it being so busy and that he would make arrangements with me shortly. The next day came and he was not in the office. I double clicked on his diary and saw that he was in meetings in London but not coming into the office.

I sent him a message and said "why didn't you tell me you are in London? Can we see each other tonight?" He texted back a bit short and told me to meet him for a drink after work.

I arrived and asked him how he was. He said, "shocked." I said "why shocked?" he said "because you have been going through my diary and checking up on me." I said "but we have access to each other's diaries, I saw you were in London, and I assumed we'd see each other?" He sat there open mouthed for about 10 mins while I tried to justify why I had looked at his diary and questioned him.

When I got upset he became softer and said he wanted to make me happy and he was sorry for not telling me, but he had terrible jetlag, was completely underwater with work and not yet recovered from Christmas and just felt he needed a night to sleep. He cancelled his client dinner and we spent most of the evening talking about it. I was actually crying because I was so shocked at the sudden attitude change. He asked me to stay the night and I was still quite upset and said no, and we went our separate ways and he flew back to Geneva the next day. We agreed that we would communicate openly about when he is in London going forward.

The next morning he rang me before his flight, quite agitated and said that he had not slept a wink because he felt quite angry that I would demand he see me every time he is in London. He said it had nothing to do with seeing anyone else or not wanting the relationship, but he would be travelling to the UK more frequently and just the thought that, that would be my expectation every single time he was here felt very demanding. His justification for this was that he was most often knackered and would have evening meetings with clients or customers and therefore would not want to trek over to my flat at 11pm or midnight and then fly back to Geneva the next day. He said "you are my priority, but you cannot be my priority all the time." While I wasn't really happy with this, we agreed that he would tell me when he was in London even if he was not going to see me.

I found this new arrangement quite difficult to understand, as this was obviously not our previous pattern, so I didn't feel I was delusional or imagining the relationship was more than it was, for expecting the previous pattern to continue, even though at the time he was telling me this I was apologising rather than justifying my thought process. I felt that he reset the relationship and bamboozled me into thinking that questioning him or his behaviour was stalker-esque or obsessive.

We carried on speaking on the phone every day and texting a lot (it's always him initiating contact. He calls me about five times a day just to chat,) Three days later the company bulletin came again saying that he was in London. He had not told me this.

I double clicked on his diary only to see that he had codified it. Ie, replaced information with a letter and a number. All bookings and reservations that he usually made and I could previously see were now password protected and then diary entries had been made private. Seeing this made me feel like a stalker and made me think that he thought I was a stalker.

He carried on throughout the day communicating with me as normal. I did not ask him where he was. At around 7pm he said he was off to a client dinner and that he would sign off the the night as it would be late. I assume he thought I thought he was in Geneva.

I don't know what got into me but I felt I wanted to know for sure, so at midnight I went to the hotel he normally stays at while here, and I waited in a bar over the road where I could see the door. Lo and behold, I saw him returning to the hotel and going in late. Alone.

I texted him. "Hey can we talk?" He replied immediately. "Sorry, no. Off to bed."

I felt humiliated and embarrassed of myself and like a true stalker. The next morning I decided it was over. I felt that if I told him the reasons why (I was upset he had coded his diary and I had spied on him outside his hotel) it would give me more reasons to feel embarrassed. So I just stopped communicating with him entirely.

Two weeks went by and I ignored all calls and messages and took a week off work to go away and switched my phone off. When I came back to work, I found him in my office, beside himself. Why had I done this to him? What was my problem? Why had I not replied to him? What did I think I was doing? He had been in London looking for me etc.

I've agreed to chat to him about it all on Wednesday when I am next in Geneva. I don't trust him. I cant tell him why.

I don't know anymore whether his behaviour is the red flag or whether mine is.

What do you think??

Tell him that his behavior was entitled, unreasonable and manipulative and that you are not prepared to move forward

Or just preserve what little dignity and self respect you have and end the relationship without behaving like a petulant child ‘(it’s your fault, it’s your fault’). Assuming the red flag bunting has not already caused him to run for the hills / mountains of Switzerland!

Are you only seeing each other mid week at the end of a working day? No weekends together? Short city breaks somewhere?

If your time together is limited to just your business travel, where would you see the relationship going if for whatever reason either one of you had a role change that no longer involved the travel it currently does? Do you feel it's serious enough that you would you still flit back and forth but at your own expense?

From what you've written, it does seem casual and he is treating it that way. Nonetheless, he should have been straight with you about being in London and not wanting to meet up. I see no reason why you can't ask him if he was in London. If he denies it, that tells you all you need to know.

Basically all of this from.@MMmomDD

I think a few things are wrong here.
His behaviour was clearly sending a message that the relationship has stopped progressing. Instead of getting closer, and figuring out some sort of joint longer term plan of spending more time together - he was building in a distance, ensuring its permanent. And his reaction to how you reacted is very telling - he got scared and clearly doesn’t want more from it, and you clearly do.
Basically - it seems that you think it’s a relationship that will get closer in the future, and he is happy to keep it at status quo, or even a little less frequent I the time you spend together.
It’s perfectly Ok to be tired and not see each other every time, given your jobs setup. It is NOT Ok to try to achieve that by lying or withholding information.
It is also NOT OK to tell you he is going to be open and communicate and then change his diary entries. It’s plain stupid, come to think of it. Or else - it’s meant to send a signal.

Now, you. It’s clearly a little mental to go and stalk him at his hotel.
But more importantly, it’s NOT OK to just disappear and not communicate. Essentially ghosting him, even if temporarily. It’s cowardly and cruel. Immature as well.

So - you need to talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling and what you want.
You don’t need to mention the night by the hotel. But you can tell him that you were hurt and you knew he was in London and didn’t tell you again. And that was a break of trust.
You can also tell him that it appears you two have different expectations for the relationship. You want more closeness. He wants distance. Is that a fair summary?
Maybe this will end you or maybe it would start a discussion and you figure out some next phase.
Did you two ever even discuss some long term plan for the two of you?

Are you only seeing each other mid week at the end of a working day? No weekends together? Short city breaks somewhere?

I think people have missed that they usually spend 2-3 days together every 2 weeks but he has started travelling over more (for overnights?) and she expected to see him on those trips too, whereas he felt too tired to see her after a day travelling and an evening with a client (fair!) so didn't tell her he was coming.

I actually think she's overreacted massively from the start.

Ah, OP has returned and having read the responses feels she was entirely in the right after all. What a surprise.

“ He was odd not to say "I'm in London but slammed, won't be able to see you". ”

Again, he DID do this initially and she went nuts with a massive crying incident so he had to cancel a client meeting and spent the evening appeasing her.

So OP confirmed that he knows about the daily bulletin that tells people exactly where people are for seating purposes.

It's entirely possible that he though 'well she knows I am there. She knows I am not seeing her every time I come. She is fully aware of the situation'

And I bet if he had contacted her and said 'I am in london tomorrow but busy and cant see you', op would be saying 'why did he need to point that out? To hurt me? We both knew, I knew he was here. We both knew he hasnt made arrangements to see me. I felt like he was humiliating me by saying I am over but not seeing you' and I bet some posters would have agreed with her.

And then still may have camped out at his hotel to ensure he wasnt with anyone else

Dearie me.

Look if someone changes their boundaries in a relationship. .I don't want to see you every time. It's exhausting, client meetings last till midnight, I fly out early the next day, I can't be schlepping across London"

You do not cry and kick off to the extent that they have to cancel meetings to calm you down. You don't make them promise to always tell you where they are, you don't make it clear they need to see you every time, to the extent they need to phone you and tell you how uncomfortable you're making them.

And then when they don't wish to see you, you don't go and hide outside their hotel spying on them, then texting them from outside the hotel as you loiter there in the dark.

You talk about it, you decide if it works for you and if not end it.

The amount of people who think if someone changes their boundaries then you're immediately entitled and justified to do as you please is concerning.

The way the op behaved hurt her, it was unhealthy. People shouldn't be trying to tell her anything else.

*“ He was odd not to say "I'm in London but slammed, won't be able to see you". ”

Again, he DID do this initially and she went nuts with a massive crying incident so he had to cancel a client meeting and spent the evening appeasing her.*

Not to my reading.
He didn't tell her - she found out he was in London the first time.

Her reaction was naturally wtf given he'd apparently been in.cibtsct as usual while lying by omission about being in London, letting her believe he was in Geneva or elsewhere.

Yes her reaction was a bit ott, but I think his behaviour would throw the vast majority of people.
Op

*in contact

And then when they don't wish to see you, you don't go and hide outside their hotel spying on them, then texting them from outside the hotel as you loiter there in the dark.

She didn't.

She sat in a bar across from the hotel ling enough to confirm he was in London and lying by omission about it again, having agreed to mention if he was.

Spying,loitering ... hyperbole.
Do you write on the side for a tabloid

He wasnt lying by omission.

They both know theres a daily bulletin telling people where people are. He was fully aware she would know where he was.

He just didn't make arrangements to see her.

... as you loiter there in the dark.

What, in a street in central London? Lol
Really getting carried away here, aren't you.

*He wasnt lying by omission.

They both know theres a daily bulletin telling people where people are. He was fully aware she would know where he was.

He just didn't make arrangements to see her.*

If he said anything to suggest he wasn't in London the first time, he was. We don't know the content of the convo that day

Second time - he was. He agreed to tell her but didn't hence she doubted the bulletin and that's why she checked he was in London. Are you being deliberately obtuse.

I'd like to have seen his reaction is op has suddenly stopped telling "him* if she was in Geneva and electing to not see him.

And continued having daily convos without mentioning it.

so at midnight I went to the hotel he normally stays at while here, and I waited in a bar over the road where I could see the door. Lo and behold, I saw him returning to the hotel and going in late. Alone.

OP went out at midnight, went to a bar where she sat staring at the door until he returned.....late. then text him as though she didnt know this.

She didnnt happen to meeting friends in the bar across the street. She went at midnight to watch his door.

If you dont think that's loitering outside someones hotel, theres nothing anyone can say. She went with the purpose of spying on him.

He had told her if he was there and not seeing g her it's because he was tired and wanted to rest. But she still tried to start a deep and meaningful at 1am/2am.

He did Express what his new boundaries were. They were both aware he that she knew he was in london. He just wasnt seeing her

He sounds like he wants everything on his terms.

Either way, it shouldn't be like this. How can you keep dating anyway? I'd end it and just say it's not working for me and I'm not ready for a relationship or feel like dating atm - keep it vague and brief. You don't owe this guy anything.

He agreed to tell her but didn't hence shedoubtedthe bulletin and that's why she checked he was in London. Are you being deliberately obtuse.

If you read a few posts above I have given a possible explanation.

OP didnt say he said he was elsewhere than London.

The bulletin tells her where he is. He knows it tells her. Why would he need to point it out when they both know where he is and he isnt seeing her?

Why op would even ask for that when she knows where he is all the time, due yea bulleting in odd in itself.

He cant lue, hy commission or anything g else, because you cant fart in that company without people knowing.

In any case, he changed their norm with no discuss. If it's additional days he's in London, then maybe that's just did to tiredness etc. rather than a sign he doesn't want to progress the relationship.

Even if he is open to continuing the relationship, seems like op's trust in.him has been damaged, her opinion of him changed etc and maybe she doesn't want to continue anyway.

Certainly a very honest convo (not including the hotel stake out, op!!!) needs to happen and sounds like it will.
Not that I'd entirely trust him to be honest.

“ Not to my reading.”

Well read it again.

“I'd like to have seen his reaction is op has suddenly stopped telling "him* if she was in Geneva and electing to not see him. “

And had he behaved like the OP that would have been fine?

Surely in the 2 weeks she was ignoring him, she did travel to geneva?

She doesnt say explicitly in her op, but it appears she is there every other week.

She ghosted him completely. Not sure how that's no worse than coming to london and not seeing her, when he told her he wont always be seeing her when he is here.

You've both done some reasonable and some unreasonable things.
The bottom line is do you both want the relationship to continue and on what footing. Sounds like he wants it to continue but on the same basis as last year. Maybe he just feels he has too much work to spend any more time with you despite being in London more. Or maybe his enthusiasm is waning. Only time will tell. The important thing going forward though is communication. You both need to be honest with each other. And you need to stop relying on the calendar to organise the relationship.... it needs to be for work only.
Oh ... and don't tell him about the stalking!

I travel a lot for work and the meetings and dinners are indeed very tiring. I totally understand where he is coming from.

Waiting opposite someone’s hotel and look at the door until they come back is deranged imho.

How old are you both OP?