Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Good morning all happy Sunday I have a new iron I'll call him Mr Dumfries. He initially got in touch on match at new year I wished him happy new year he sent me some kisses then that was the end of that conversation. Well a month later he is back and really keen to meet me, I'm not sure how that's going to work with him in Scotland and me in England but I guess if he really is keen he will make it happen. I'll keep you posted

After all my dithering about meeting up with Mr N this weekend (I'd had a very bad week, stressful and lots of bad news), I ended up having a really lovely time. We did loads of things I like, chilled out, I spent some time on my own on a hobby even though he was still over at my place. All in all, I'm really glad we met up.

I don't see any red flags, just minor annoyances from time to time, though I do wonder why he hasn't run for the hills yet given how much crap and baggage there is in my life.

I skirted around any serious chat about how involved to get in each other's lives. I think we both see eye to eye on that, but will have a full on chat next time we meet.

I'm still catching up on the thread, but @Menora I echo what others have said. Don't tolerate the drinking. If you aren't into the same drinking culture then it's so off-putting. You shouldn't be making excuses for any iron at this stage. Look after yourself. I would absolutely ditch him and say that it was because of the drinking.

@cat good luck.

I'm still chatting to Mr Dog, he seems to write lots to me, but with no questions, and no mention of meeting. What is a normal length to chat before meeting? I'm not waiting 3 months again, but don't want to appear too forward the other way.

@menora the ending of Mr Moving's relationship continued over quite a few threads. Are you going to do the same again or move on sooner? What would you tell one of us in this situation?

@menora I think it may be best to ditch, if he's drinking like this now at a time he should be winding it down and trying to impress you what's he like normally🤔 and the 1am calls show he has no respect ir your time,could have woken you up.

Sorry I don’t mean to take up the thread again

It’s done with now except for the act of me doing it, and he’s away with friends until this evening so it will be done at some point later on. I don’t like these conversations very much as they always seem to end badly

I already have a new iron

I didn't say you took up the thread. I said it continued. All I meant was you didn't make a fast decision. We have all needed extra time and support here at various points. That's what the thread is for
Pleased to hear you have a new iron. Hope this one respects you as you deserve

I find it really hard to do when I feel like they are maybe just not a bad person but making bad decisions. I used to be that person and a lot of people gave up on me too so I know how it feels. I really hate judging people although know I need to do it for my own good

I’m probably way too sympathetic and understanding of people’s difficulties (I work in this area too)

This is probably what happens after you grow up in a childhood like mine 😂

Bless you. That makes a lot of sense. Do you resent the people that moved on from you, even if they did so when you were an adult and could get the help you needed?

Ending a relationship isn't a judgement someone is a bad person. They just aren't for you.

Ooh good on you having a new iron already @Menora. Mr Muddle sounds tedious! I like to drink, but don't do it all the time as I also love the gym and don't like feeling hungover to upset my gym schedule. Rarely drink in the week as work is so busy. And never drink a lot on dates as I like to be in control and not make a tit of myself when I don't know someone well. If someone is not a drinker I would match my pace to them and it would not bother me. No idea how I would behave after a few dates hahaha as not getting that far. Mr Media is as busy as me (and heading for the Friendzone I think, lovely as he is ... I so wish I fancied him). New iron Mr Scientist is away this weekend. Has just WhatsApped me and I making myself wait before replying so he doesn't see how indecently keen I am. I usually do not feel a spark with anyone, so this is unsettling me. I'm so used to being self-reliant .... I am also pessimistic, because I had such a crap marriage I'm not sure I am any good at this ... 😨

Remember this relationship is about dating, not being their therapist. I believe you attract what you project. Good luck Menora

Hello, is it ok if I ask for some advice? Really trying hard to be cool and not overthink stuff. Had fifth date with Mr Malamute on Friday. He sent me thumbs up yesterday to my message wishing him a great day and nothing since then. I sent him a smiley goodnight.

On Friday night I said I liked him and wasn't dating anyone else....but of course he was free to ... said he hadn't, but didn't say wouldn't.

Damn it been on OLD since March and this is only the second guy I actually like ... tell me not to message again and get a grip! TIA

You aren't giving up on long term friendships tough @menora you are just stopping dating someone having learnt they aren't for you. Good for you for acting quickly this time. I think a simple 'I don't think we are very compatible and we won't be having another date' will do. And no need to keep giving him answers. You barely know him.

Fingers crossed for the next iron. Remember dating should be fun. The early stages are about getting to know each other. There is no rush into a relationship meeting friends and family etc. Just have fun.

@menora I have a similar problem to you, I want to see the good in people for longer than they deserve! I work in mental health so I can understand why people behave the way they do and give them much more leniency than perhaps I should. What I've started saying to myself is that if I'm getting upset by someone's behaviour that is enough to call an end to things, whatever the reason. If I don't take my feelings into account then why would anyone else?

@halfthesun things get so easily lost on here 🙂 have you made plans to meet again? Or is it just left hanging with the messages? I would say if you have a plan to meet he may not be a messaging type person...

So Mr Ad stayed over for the first time last night with the kids here. It was really nice-we had dinner and watched a film together then we decided it would be ok to have quiet sex as the kids had gone to bed about an hour before so we were right in the middle of things and my ds sleepwalks into my room 😱
Never seen Mr Ad move so quickly 😂

😂

Lovely sixth date with Mr Joiner last night, he stayed over and has just left

😂

They have a sixth sense for it! A lock near the top of the door frame work well as it’s too high for them to accidentally get locked in.

I don’t resent people for not helping, I understand cutting out someone who isn’t helping themselves

Your dates aren't helping themselves either. You can understand why others move on. Don't treat yourself yourself differently or less.

But @Menora we may give our friends more rooe. Understand why they aren't helping themselves etc. But a man you are dating and barely know doesn't get the same leeway. You aren't responsible for fixing them or for making them feel good. Mr Moving was bizarre and I think in hindsight you can see you gave him too much and put his needs above your own?

@halfthesun I set more store by in person dates rather than messages and 5 dates and neither of you dating other people is good going. How often are you seeing him in person? have you got any reason to think that's not going to continue? I would relax about the frequency of his messages as long as the dates are happening on a regular basis. @bangheadhere40 I would say it's normal to talk about meeting up within one to two weeks of meeting online what's annoying/confusing is when they talk about meeting up so you swap numbers etc in the expectation that that is what's going to happen then they don't follow through and make actual plans to meet as happened to me with Mr Yorkshireman

MM turned off his last seen on WhatsApp. Not that we are using WhatsApp and I already have mine turned off. I'm just aware he did it the weekend he is away with two of his best friends. No reason to doubt where he is btw.