Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I don't mind having a drink or two on a date, but if the other person isn't drinking then I always have a soft drink too. I was struggling to keep up with the date I was on last night, so was quite relieved when she wanted to leave early - that saved me a bad hangover today!

Don't start me on boozy men! I drink max 2 drinks about once a week and somehow I've managed to go on a date at least 3 alcoholics. And a good half dozen heavy boozers. I think men of around my age (50) all drink too much. It's a real issue for me.

@Undecidedsofa that's really exciting about mr boat. I love the "when you know you know" posts. Because I never have... one day.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a drink. And I have boozy weekends away with my mates. But I would never drink and drive. And after a boxy weekend away I wouldn't bemoan not being able to drink on a Sunday afternoon date.

And if I thought a date would consider drink driving they wouldn't be a date.

If things are still unclear after this weekend @TheCatWithTheHat I hope you can put this one to bed.

@menora do you always give guys so much of a chance? Mr Moving seemed the same and you tolerated poor behaviour long past the time people had begun say they'd have ended contact. Not a criticism, you really look for the good in them. I'm just curious.

Yet again I’ve found myself getting swept up with someone else’s feelings - I definitely am not as keen on him as he is on me and I feel pressure to yet again have to break it to someone they need to slow down or that I don’t think we are compatible. I’m sick of having this same chat with everyone I meet

He called me at 1.20am and left a VM. I didn’t answer it

menora
I would be getting rid for calling in the middle of the night, if it was an emergency or pocket dial that would be fine but if he is drunk and/or rambling on then that's a huge no.

What the hell is wrong with the guy?

Please put your feelings as number one, you are the prize and you deserve the best.

@menora it's great you know what's going on.

@TheCatWithTheHat I hope it goes well for you today and you didn’t worry too much last night..hopefully you’ll be able to get answers or a clear idea of where things are with Miss Confusing

@Menora In my opinion that is worrying and invasive behaviour, you haven’t known him all that long (?) . It shows little thought or consideration for you at all, when he should be listening to your needs and concerns.

He sent me a load of videos too - he was drunk so he wasn’t thinking straight at all was he. He was being drunk and stupid.

He isn’t nicknamed Mr Muddle for no reason. He has a messy life and the majority of it is probably his own doing isn’t it

I think you are being insightful about your actions @menora As you can see your pattern and you clearly aren't interested I think you should put your boundaries into action and end this now. Text him you won't see him again and block.

I agree with Notcool, you don't owe him any more of your energy or time. Tell him why, if you want, but don't allow the conversation to drag out. This is the beginning and the best he can do? Not very impressive.

Menora. Yes, he is a complete state. Just back off right now.

He sounds very tedious menora and lacking in self-awareness. At this stage you should both be trying to impress and please each other. It says something about him that he thinks this childish behaviour will go down well with you. He hasn’t bothered to get to know you at all. I would text him that you don’t feel this will work for you, and say goodbye.

TheCatWithTheHat. Be prepared to walk away. You don’t need to be feeling non stop confused. You say you like her? She likes you? It shouldn’t be even remotely feeling this way then. It’s actually not that complicated.

I would feel like his mum wouldn’t I. I would not be worrying about cheating I would be worrying about a phone call saying he was injured

Perhaps this is what his ex had enough of

Even before the first date I said look I don’t drink much, do you? He said he did socially. The first date we had (he was hungover) I also brought it up as he had 2 more beers in the 4/5 hours we were out and I explained why I didn’t drink much or often and he said he had only gone out because it was someone’s birthday, so it seemed like an occasion. He said he had been on diet and fitness and lost quite a lot of weight and felt like he deserved a blow out - fair enough

But I don’t know if he is another daily pub visitor and this weekend away has honestly shocked me by how much alcohol he has consumed. I’ve had weekends away and done a bit of day drinking but never to this level

I’m feeling really stressed about the whole drinking thing but I have a feeling when I bring it up he will panic and immediately say he is going to stop all together (and then would fail that anyway)

@menora
The fact this is causing you stress means it's not worth it.

You need someone compatible with you on drinking, there are men out there who font drink all the time.

Discussing drinking habits is always difficult because who has set the criteria, if he has friends who get pissed every night but he only gets pissed 3 times a week then in his eyes he is a social drinker.
For someone who's friends dont drink every night and maybe only once a month then he would be a heavy drinker.
It's all subjective really.

Personally I have a girls weekend away once a year and we get really drunk but on the sunday night no one drinks in solidarity of the designated driver for going home on Monday. Noone moans they cant drink, we are all grateful to give our livers a rest!!!
And we never drunk call or send videos to people.

Some men never grow up.
I had an FB for over a year, his drinking on Friday and Saturday nights was so heavy it would take all day to recover from. Whole weekends lost in a haze of drink.
Luckily I only saw him twice during the week so it didnt affect our plans but I did often wonder when he would grow up, he was 49 and showed no signs of slowing down his drinking (or drug use)

I note if someone drinks more than two on an evening out on a date. Anymore in my mind is a lifestyle choice and I know we’d be incompatible.

The drinking clearly isn't for you @menora but it's also how he makes you feel. You kept giving Mr Moving a chance when it was clear you didn't want to see him.

I have drunk called Mr B numerous times. Including in the middle of the night when he has work 🙈 the idiot always answers and is pleased to hear from me. 😍

I went back on tinder this morning to see what’s going on and got this message 😂😂😂

There may be something wrong with me but I find that quite sweet menora!

It’s like a job application or something 😂

I’ve just started a chat with a guy who lives fairly locally self employed designer, can spell has his own teeth and I’ve already wheedled out of him his drinking habits - seem normal 😂

Thanks for the good luck messages! Will post an update later this evening. I’m pretty nervous but not much I can do now. I know I like her, I think she likes me, but I’ll find out for sure later. Hopefully I’ll also find out what those Instagram messages were really about too.

I’ve told myself to walk away if she just wants to be friends and isn’t interested in anything else. I feel scared, but also relieved in a way that 6 weeks of uncertainty will be over and I’ll know where I stand later today.

Good luck!
Also walk away if she won’t give you a straight answer!