Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@perfectpretender absolutely it is great to recognise it later. It is so hard at the time.

Mr Shopping replied, I'm going to change his name though as all my irons beginning with S seem to go wrong. I'm going to refer to him as Mr Grandad ( he has a poorly grandad we have been discussing) I have a date with Mr Grandad next Friday!

Hello
OMG - 4 hours with mr boat...we met for a drink, which turned into lunch, and another drink , and tea.
He's lovely. Simply my kind of man
If it is possible to know something feels right when you first meet someone (not in a fanny galloping way, just in a bloody hell, this seems right right of way) then, this is he...

@undecided that's great! I felt exactly that with Mr Straight.....who is still in the background but realised I need to move on and give others a chance.

Have you arranged to see again?

He has just sent me a message saying he’d love to see me again soon, that the ‘magic spark’ was very much there for him & he hoped it was for me , too
Are you waiting for mr straight to contact you, now? Any sign of another date with him

@undecided he is in touch every day! Just talking, keeps talking about meeting again, how lovely it will be etc, but does nothing about setting anything up. I have said that would be great, and when I am free.

Can't do much else, I'm not pushing it with him!

@shit probably because you like him...try to relax and enjoy. Have a lovely evening.

undecided wahoo, sounds very promising!

perfectpretender I’m sorry to see you having doubts as you have sounded so happy up until now. LDRs are hard in so many ways, a big one being the time and space for doubting etc. Can you talk about 1-4 with him? Would he be surprised by you raising any of them as issues?

Re 4, it’s not a foregone conclusion that he will be sarcastic/unkind towards you just because his tone is that way about some others.

That's true, Tiger, I suppose I just worry that it is an aspect of his personality that I feel uncomfortable with, and I don't know how strong that is in him. I don't mind a bit if sarcasm but he seemed harsher somehow last night.

I will speak to him about all this, because what's the point in any relationship without communication? I appreciate people adding their opinions.

He may just have been feeling stressy and it came out that way. I’m a pretty kind person but one night last week mr GN pulled me up on being a bit sharper than usual in what I said about some friends. I was just in a mood, that’s all.

Pretender I think it’s fine to take a step back and think actually am I comfortable with those things? This is what dating is for, to see true colours

Mr Muddle and I had a nice chat this morning as he had sobered up, but the level of drinking on this lads holiday just seems like something you do when you are 22 you know? But they are all 30’s and 40’s.

Also I think he didn’t realise that it came across like he was angling for an invite to stay tomorrow night. He comes back tomorrow and I live on his way home so he was going to swing by and I intended just going out for something to eat - I said to him he’s going to be very tired. Then he’s wanting to drink tomorrow (Sunday) before flying home so then he couldn’t drive. No way do I want him staying at mine the DC are here also I am not exactly going to be excited about the first time sleeping together with someone who has a 3 day hangover. If he doesn’t have enough willpower to not drink tomorrow knowing he’s got to drive home then it isn’t going to work out. It’s irresponsible and childish

@PerfectPretender all the things you’ve spoke about are very similar really about control and also wanting to be the best / funniest etc. This might be some way of trying to impress you and it may go away or it may get worse. I would tackle one of the things , maybe the jokes and see what happens

Thanks everyone. He's flying home today, I'm going to sleep on all this. I feel a bit down but that could be due to a variety of factors and I need to clear my head.

@PerfectPretender

1. That is a bit grim and I wouldn’t like it either, it’s more difficult that he did it in public as it’s harder to complain incase it causes a scene.

1. Wine is disgusting, if he knows you don’t appreciate having things shoved in your face as a joke he shouldn’t do it. Obviously it has to happen once for him to find it out, but he shouldn’t do it again after that.

1. Becoming more submissive could be read by him as a green light to carry on, you need to discuss that properly and have the confidence to tell him to stop anything you’re not into. Highly hypocritical as it’s something I don’t/can’t do, so rely on him being decent at reading body language, not ideal, but generally works for us.

1. That could be a problem, it might not. We’re all a bit horrible sometimes, but it’s something I would keep an eye on.

The big thing here is that due to the way you spend time together due to distance he doesn’t know you and you don’t know him. You don’t know him yet, you only know the version of him you’ve created from the small snippets he has shown you.

That's very astute, @SimonJT.

It's taken me a few days to catch up with everything that's going on on the thread! An update from me , no date with Mr Yorkshireman and I've not heard from him for over a week so that's the end of that one, not really surprised as I was seeing red flags, my guess is he just wanted attention from lots of different women and was probably married well he can have it but not from me, I'm out. Various other men on match I've just started chatting to, not sure if any of them will become new irons yet. I've just downloaded a new dating app called helium, has anyone tried it? I've not got around to setting up a profile on it yet

@menora, are you getting red flags? He seems very forward and a little irresponsible maybe?

@menora that would send my spider senses twitching, not brilliant behaviour really. Is it a one off?

@PerfectPretender - I think SimonJT summed it up brilliantly, really insightful comments. Can you say all of your concerns to him?

I am seeing Mr Boat again TOMORROW!! ( I may be a bit overexcited here - I promise I'm keeping a rational head on swell )

*as well
I am obviously losing the ability to spell though

@Undecidedsofa yay that sounds like a great date and a great message. Got the next one planned?

@shitwithsugaron hope your having fun with mr list. Butterflies are good.

@PerfectPretender some good advice, the only thing that struck me was no 3, is he still trying to impress you, the throwing you round like a doll but I read as him trying to work through all his moves, and your just a bit out of sync? Hopefully if you can be more confident, even if it’s telling him your enjoying something and ask him not to stop/change? 4, Like others have said he might be just having a bad day, but one to watch. 1 and 2 are the flags for me.

@Menora sounds like you’ve got your head well and truly screwed on, and I’m so in agreement with you. I’ve no doubt you’ll stick to what you say.

Egos are fragile, I was on Pof and I could see mr scenery was online, we’re not seeing each other again till Wednesday, I’m just not sure if he’s being cautious or he’s not that interested, I was doing well with not over investing but seeing him on the app has thrown me into the he’s not that interested and looking for better! I know I’m being unfair as I’m on as I’m hedging my bets, as I really don’t know him, know where it’s going or going anywhere, so he’s entitled to do the same. We had a great date last week, but the messaging is crap it’s all how was your day, what are you watching on tv, I’d have binned if we hadn’t met and he’d been intresting and chatty in person! I tried to push the conversation last night but didn’t get anywhere, I think I was also a bit miffed as I was home alone and he’d gone out with friends after work and then stopped at his local on the way home, I’m only down the road he could have asked! See over investing, I need to slow down and stop obsessing!

He comes across as a nice guy but irresponsible. It is hard to tell. I think he lacks willpower and he seems to go out heavy drinking more frequently than he initially let on. He had an absolutely raging hangover on our first date! I could smell it!
The other 2 dates were fine. He isn’t staying here and I will be annoyed if he assumes he can and gets drunk anyway without asking OR then drives home anyway

I keep meeting men who drink too much

@Menora I’m also questioning how much mr scenery drinks! But then I drink so little it probably completely normal amounts!