Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@TheCatWithTheHat. I would treat meeting miss confusing as Meeting a friend or a first date. 6 weeks is a long time. I’m sure you’ll be able to gauge her interest level

I once had a date with someone who was proud to show me that they no longer had possession of all their teeth.

I think the own home/nice car thing is a tricky one. I can understand the appeal of dating someone who has a decent job and owns their own place, rather than living at their parents or house-sharing. After all, we're all trying to put across our best sides. Also some women do look for material things, and some are quite blatant about it on their profiles so I guess if guys are trying to attract that type then they'd want to be quite blatant about what they can offer. But I wouldn't add that to my profile as I'm not looking for someone who only wants me for material things, and I find that's something that comes out naturally in conversation at some point anyway.

The car thing is slightly different - I have what some might think is a nice car, and driving/motor racing is an interest of mine. I don't mention it on my profile or profile photos, although do have one or two photos on my Instagram account which is linked to my profile so it's there if you look closely enough. I think that is a good compromise to show my interests without coming across as showing off (I hope). I've met a few women who have similar interests, so for them it's a plus point.

@Jane1978xx @bangheadhere40 thanks. I think I'll be fine as whenever we've been together it's always been great. I'm just trying not to overthink it too much! I've got a few ideas lined up for what we can do (have just become a member of an art gallery as there is an exhibition I know she'd like to see that is sold out for non-members) so it's just a case of counting down the next 24 hours and thinking positive thoughts! Funnily enough, it was 6 weeks from when we first matched to our first date, and her holiday and travel patterns over the last 6 weeks have been very similar to then so I'm hoping that's a good omen!

I've been chatting to a new iron Mr Dog, we are just having quite in depth discussions about life. He lives 2 hours away, doesn't ask many questions, but the discussion is interesting.

Asked Mr Shopping when he is free, waiting for an answer and hope he hasn't changed his mind!

Do you think it can come across wrong asking a man about his job? Can it appear like it's judging them? I find a few taper off if I ask.

Only if it's the first question you ask, followed by how much does he earn :D

I think mutual jobs has come up in conversation with pretty much every women I've spoken to for any length of time.

I've never asked about earnings! It's more just a conversation starter, but some seem to disappear at this point!

And men that always reply but never ask questions.....that confused me too!

An alternative to online dating!

I have used grindr for hookups before, some cracking things on profiles, if only it was limited to own home, own teeth 😂

My iron , Mr sparky asked me Thursday eve if I was free on Sunday eve and if so have a little think where I'd like to go.
I replied I was,but now he has disappeared. It's almost 48hrs?!

If he does reappear then I'm going to say I've made plans. It's called evenings on the sofa in dressing gown and bed socks with a cuppa,ahh bliss

@simon that's great!

Maybe if we all chipped in we could do a mumsnet billboard!

@kerkya, that's rubbish and a long time to leave it if he was keen.

Need some outsider perspective here on possible red flag behaviour.
I've been seeing Mr G since October, but obviously with long stretches of messaging between dates. Our dates are more like weekends away, or an overnight somewhere, just the nature of being long distance, this is how we've ended up doing things.
He's been very kind and fun, and we've been having a great time together, but a few things have started niggling me. (Sorry if tmi, I've c&p'd this on a different forum as well.)

1. Making sexual jokes in public, specifically referring to me. I am no prude but I felt embarrassed, gently said I didn't like him talking like that, and he laughed it off. 2. I don't have a wide range of alcoholic beverage experience, and have been trying new things with him, but definitely don't like wine. He had a glass and tried to get me to taste it for his amusement, and wouldn't take the glass away from my face. I was less gentle in telling him I didn't like him "jokingly" forcing the drink at me. 3. He's been getting incrementally more dominant during sex and last time we were together I felt a little bit like a doll being manipulated at times. He focuses on my enjoyment, but I felt so passive even so and I don't know if that's me actually being passive or if it's him being more dominant. I think it's a bit of both, and some sort of subconscious conditioning is coming out in me and I react to his dominance by being more passive. 4. There is a streak of stubborn sarcasm to his personality that is appearing more and more, in the way he talks about other people and events that I find a bit cold and unkind, and I catch myself worrying about him behaving that way towards me. Because if he thinks/behaves that way, it's only a matter of time before his guard is down enough to treat me the same, right?

I genuinely don't know if this is something to worry about or bring up with him or just walk away. I don't know what a stable, nuanced, safe and healthy relationship looks like, in the nitty-gritty moments when the shine starts wearing off and you see the real person. Thanks.

Seriously advise against overinvesting. A come down hitting PMT week is brutal.

Aaah @perfectpretender some yellow flags waving there for sure. He's not respecting what you want.

Now did he react to 2?

He stopped after I got annoyed at him, but it was played off as light-hearted silliness on both sides. I didn't make a thing of it, but in turn I didn't like it. I was surprised that he kept pushing the "joke" because he's never ignored my boundaries like that before.

Has he stopped making sex jokes in public now?

Re 3) I don't think he's doing anything wrong there because you've been going along with it. You need to hold your own boundaries so he kmkws what they are.

We haven't been in public together since the joking started, so I haven't seen if he would do it again.

Fair enough with #3, something I need to work on myself.

@PerfectPretender those all sound like red flags to me. Listen to them. I think you're quite vulnerable staying in hotel rooms with a guy you barely know, especially with these niggling doubts setting in.

And what's the use of him 'doing things for your enjoyment' if you're not actually enjoying them and end up feeling like a rag doll?

4. is hard to judge for me. He may just be how he comes across but if you thought something was overly harsh, react a little and see what happens? Too are projecting that he'd talk about you like that though.

So imo some yellow flags. Keep maintaining your boundaries and if he disrespects them again then say something then imo.

Another point. You shouldn't have played something off as light hearted silliness that upset you. That's not respecting your own boundaries and he can't read your mind.

BTW 'm going through some boundary issues at the work as I learn to manage up. It's tough. I promise I know.

Thanks for the quick feedback. I want to be able to say I can immediately follow my instincts but it's difficult to do when clouded by hormones/endorphins/emotions. At the end of the day, I'm not dependent on the relationship for my ultimate happiness or anything, but I'd like to use this as an opportunity to learn more about how to navigate relationships maturely/safely, regardless.
And yes, I take the point about safety and hotel rooms. It sounds really worrying when distilled like that, but it doesn't feel unsafe when I'm in the moment, if that makes sense.

@saltysally you are right. I am unlearning decades of that sort of behaviour, I guess it's better to recognise it the next morning than not at all.

It is tough especially at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say.

My instincts get clouded at work beca of fear of upsetting my manager. It is old transactional analysis stuff and how I used to be with my mum.