Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crazycatlady20
I wish I had left years before but you get stuck and dont realise the truth of the abuse.
If I had my time again I would leave straight away, staying for so long has affected me loads.
I know I need counselling but I'm too scared to open the box.

I've been seeing new chap 4 months, I met him on Fab and it was supposed to just be FB but somehow its moved on.
He thinks I'm amazing and like no one he has met before, I think he's in it for the long haul as we've been discussing our 1/5/10 year plans and he said he hoped he featured in them all.
I really like him and have lowered my barriers a tiny bit which he really appreciates.
He knows I dont want anything too heavy plus I have huge trust issues that I don't know if I'll ever overcome so if we're not properly together I dont need to worry what he's up to when he's not with me.

I think Mr Builder realises that you meeting his family so early on was too quick which is why he keeps talking about taking it slow.
As long as he knows how you feel that's all you can do.
If you're enjoying things for now and it suits both of you then you can continue with it but maybe set a time limit for definitive answers, you dont want to be left in limbo forever.

I’m trying to set a sensible pace too

Mr Muddle said within 20 mins of meeting me he felt like I was going to be a good one and he wanted to pursue, whereas I felt more just well, horny
And there is good chemistry
He’s already given up on Tinder - but I didn’t reciprocate that and he’s planning future things which is making me hesitate

I saw him Sunday, yesterday and he wanted to see me this evening. Old me would have gone because I wanted to please him. This time I rang him and said sorry I couldn’t, but offered him a day next week - he seemed ok with that.

It’s whether the other person only has their own personal interests at heart or yours too that makes the difference and that is hard to establish early on

I'm in a muddle. Last night felt so relaxed and easy - it was almost like being in the middle of a LTR. That sense of contentment and ease. Lots of laughing, nobody looking at us would have clocked it was a first date.

I can't work out if it's a good thing or a bad. Honestly. I'm second guessing like you wouldn't believe. Is it good that it's so easy because it means there's no mind games or holding back, or is it bad because I'm not starting fresh and just hopping into the middle of what I've just had taken away.

I'm overthinking massively, aren't I?

You are overthinking nomore, big time! You’re running way way ahead of yourself, though I completely understand why. Is there a date fixed to see him again?

@sortingitout ur guy sounds really lovely and it's good u can be honest and open with him.

re mr builder I'm not too sure he thinks its fast as he is bringing his son over on fri. I think he is just pretty open in general so open with his family too.

@tigerdater @ menora yeah I think as long as ur happy with it that's what matters. i think I'll just go with the flow, i am happy. mr builder doesnt push to see me loads or anything so hes not rushing in other areas, it's mainly the kid/family thing that's thrown me.

@nomore I guess ur overthinking cos u like him or is that an obv thing to say sorry. I think its normal to overthink. I dont have much advice really cos I'd prob just jump right in lol. maybe just enjoy it but try to take it slowly?

I am trying to slow down. Seeing him for a walk on Sunday.

Do you all typically see your irons/dates when you've had a really shit week and aren't in a good mood? If you do, how do you manage it? Downplay the shitness and pull yourself together, or just be open about it?

I don't want to say anything too outing, but I've had an accumulation of crap from divorce proceedings, stbx kicking off about child arrangements, anniversary of a death in the family and a friend is seriously ill.

I'm wondering if I should just call off the plans I had this weekend and hide under a blanket and cry?

It’s good nomore that you have time to take a breath before seeing him again. In your situation I really think that you need to be guarded and to take things slow. You’ve had such a horrible time and it’s so recent, you haven’t processed it all. There’s no harm in seeing someone if it’s a happy experience when you do, but you are vulnerable and have to look out for yourself 100%.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking it always takes time to build true raport and closeness. Try to slow down and there nothing wrong with thinking things through. Just try not to disappear down a rabbit hole.

Uncorrected - I have done this in the past and I ended up feeling like it was draining the other person, and it wasn’t very positive
I think it’s ok to talk about it but if you feel like it’s dominating all of you maybe a bit of space could help - equally it really could be a good opportunity to escape all your worries for an evening and a nice distraction

uncorrected in your shoes I’d probably go ahead and see him because talking things through with Mr GN puts me in a good mood. If you feel you can’t/don’t want to share the issues with yours then you may end up covering up your mood and then feeling worse?

Hi quick hello again from me. Been so busy at work dating is secondary (keep matching with people and then forgetting I need to talk to them, and probably annoying a lot of people). Just waiting for a meeting to start at work and popping in to see how you all are. Still seeing and chatting to Mr Media. He took me on a lovely date last week and messages me every day but I think we are just becoming friends. Had a coffee date with a handsome but mind numbingly boring man last weekend (Mr Bore!) And then freakishly matched with a good looking, funny, clever man and realised after a while we had met professionally 3 years ago ( he started at a place I worked at just before I left, I think we met twice. He remembered me first). Checked, and we are still 1st connections on LinkedIn. The perils of online dating! He is phoning me tonight . He is rather lovely... if only I had time (booked up for next 2 weeks at least with work and friends and kids) Hope he is patient.

Not had time to catch up properly but nice to see so much dating going on! I’ll try to look in again tonight. (Waves to all)

I guess I need to decide if I'm going to share or of I want things to stay superficial. I don't think I can muster superficial happiness this week.

@UncorrectedDoormat Sorry you are feeling low. I was feeling awful last Friday with stuff to do with my dd and Mr Ad asked if I wanted to leave him coming over for the weekend but the thought of sitting at home all weekend on my own, moping didn't appeal at all so I said I wanted to see him but sorry if I wasn't great company.

I had cheered up a bit by the evening and spending time with him, being an adult and forgetting my worries actually really helped.

And just like that I'm divorced...checked my emails at 2.15pm, had an email from my solicitor to confirm consent order has been approved so at 2.30pm I applied for my absolute and at 4.30pm it was granted.

I had a good cry and felt shit but now feel better about it all.

In being a nice person I messaged ex at 2.30 to let him know what I was doing so he could talk to his counsellor today as he had an appointment and he started with the woe is me and veiled threat of suicide.

@Menora well done on setting the pace that feels right for you.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I’m sorry your having a wobble, I guess take it slow and know you’ll have wobbles it’s quite natural.

I’d decided to finish things with mr taichi tonight, I just have no desire to spend time with him, I know they’ll be no chemistry and he’s so invested I’m not going to be able to pull him back, he keeps messaging about kissing me and how special it’s going to be!! But now he’s texted to say he’s having a rubbish day he’s had some medical news he’s sad about so I feel like a real shit, but if I don’t do it this evening then he’s busy tomorrow and doing it Saturday morning feels really harsh!! I’ll be drinking a lot of wine and feeling crap this evening

@stuckinarut have you meter taichi? And
How often/ long do you guys chat for?

Met mr taichi

@bang no we haven’t met Saturday was the first time he was free, we’ve been messaging/talking for three weeks, I’ve tried to pull back, the cynic in me says that’s why he’s laying down his medical worries!! No I do think he’s genuine but maybe laying it on thick!

@stuck...best to tell him tonight then I think if you are sure....rather than tell him in person.

Some lovely updates on here! The thread moves really fast! My decree nisi was read in court yesterday so 6 weeks and 1 day I can apply for my absolute 😁 it'll be nice to finally be divorced as my ex feels he still has power over me because officially we're still married.

I did feel a bit upset though weirdly as I feel like a marriage failure cause this is my second divorce.

Things still going swimmingly with MrM and now he's met my DD things are even better as we can spend a lot more time together

No fixed plans, just some vague hanging out and doing a hobby together. I'll just say that I'll probably be in a fairly bad mood, and why, and see if he still wants to come over.

I think I have a date!!! Mr sparky is pursuing me on pof and just asked me out. I'm so out of practice,apart from one quick non start date in the autumn this is my first proper one since may.

He is an upgraded member so I've stopped myself from viewing his profile loads( might think I'm a bit stalkerish) but just had another look and he is ten years my junior and also a smoker. Oh well,I'm hardly catch of the day with my vape pen and can offer mints.
He apologised for not messaging today as he was working and I said that's fine,I dont expect it. He sounds so normal.will keep you posted!

@kerkyra sounds promising! I used to take a screen shot of people's profiles I was chatting to so that they could see how many times I was viewing it!