Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Tenetenba I use a fitbit, to have it linked to my phone I need to leave the apps it uses open, including whatsapp. If I had my status showing on whatsapp it would show me as online all the time. If someone was checking up on me in that way I would be a bit creeped out, it would also show me they likely have trust issues, which for me is a no go.

Thanks all.

It has been 2 weeks now since we met and he 'says' we will meet again, he will sort something etc, but nothing has come to fruition as yet.

I'm going to take a massive step back, not contact him or keep the convo going if he does me. I want to see if anything happens in the next 2 weeks or not.

That is my deadline, if no meet again in the next 2 weeks that's enough. In the interim I'm not starting any conversations, however hard that will be.☹

@crazycatlady20
I also stayed for far too long but when they threaten to kill themselves if you leave what can you do.
I knew from the first year of marriage my marriage wouldnt last, I made the decision in 2011 when our daughter was 8 to leave when she was 18.
I eventually left when she was 15 as I found more messages to women. Between 2011 and 2018 I had stopped checking his phone, there is no doubt there were loads of others.

I can see why Mr Builder is so hard to read, I'm in the same position, I'm so scared to get involved with someone again.
I've vowed to be single forever. My barriers are up so high I cant imagine letting someone in.
Luckily new chap understands and he knows that actions speak louder than words.
He has also been cheated on and only split from his last long term relationship a year ago so he knows where I'm coming from.

Please dont overthink and spoil what you have with Mr Builder.
I can imagine it's going to take a long time to trust and admit his feelings.

Enjoy it for what it is.

bangheadhere40 that sounds like a good plan. If he really wants a relationship with you then he would find a way to see you. But sorry, I don't see that happening.

nomore great date update. When is date 2??

Lots of lovely updates happening at the moment. Gives me a little hope.
But I'm still undecided about whether to meet yesterday's date again.

I can't see things changing, but I agree with @@supercali that asking him may give him the opportunity to just sweet talk me. I need to pay attention to what he does not what he says!

@Tenetenba
I'm with SimonJT, if someone asked why I was on WhatsApp when I said I wasn't I would also think trust issues.

There could be loads of reasons including the Fitbit thing.

I always try to close the app down but at the weekend when i was poorly and i got my daughter to message my new chap because I was too ill to use my phone, she left it open so even though he knew i was in bed asleep it showed me as being online when i wasnt.

Of course he could just be an arse!!

Please try not to overthink.

@Sunshineandflipflops on line but I don’t think ex h will be happy as I had to put 6 points of unreasonable behaviour. You still need to pay court fees but it saves a lot on the drafting

@bangheadhere40 on watching what he does you've had 2 weeks since your only date. And no plans to see each other again.

How long have you been seeing mr Builder @crazycatlady you mention meeting family in your post. Who has met who? I thought it was very early days? One of my (many) problems is not being able to enjoy the moment. I've rushed us to living together and blended families (in my mind) when we've barely met. I'd like to learn to be more in the moment and enjoy things for what they are and not what they might be.

Oh god. having a total meltdown and not even sure why.

What's the point of all this? You can be with someone, give then everything, they can tell you they live you for 15 years and then just take it away and make it all a lie so how can you even start, knowing that can happen?

I wasn't checking up on him. We were having a conversation then he disappeared. His WhatsApp showed him on and off line constantly for a couple of hours. Yet he then randomly replied to my question and said sorry I've been asleep on the sofa. Yet WhatsApp said he was on and off line.

Ahhh I'm nowhere near ready for this. I'm not even over exdh. I compare everyone to him and as nomore just said, what's the point. It hurts too much to invest or get invested.
I can't do it again. I'm out.

@nomoreweepingandwanking I get you. I was with someone for 20 years who dumped me after saying he loved me blah blah. After 9 months with Mr R I still have terrible wobbles where I wonder when he’s going to dump me i can’t even get the father of my children to stick around so why would an attractive younger man with no commitments stick around? Maybe this is because you’re at home on your own more, can you do something to take your mind off it? I find going to the gym or cinema takes me mind off things or just listening to loud music dancing around the house?

I also get reassurance that the men who post here are nice, reasonable men and not all men are like our exes.

@sortingitout that must have been horrible, such a long time to put up with it.

how long have u been with ur new chap. that's good he is understanding. i try not to overthink, but sometimes cant help it. I think the fact we keep in touch regularly helps. he is also pretty open if I ask anything, I dont like talking about it all tho lol, I get embarrassed plus I kind of know his answer. I think I've let him know I like him, told him I'd like 1-1, dont want to hurt or get hurt. just trying to go with the flow now 😫

@notcoolmum it is pretty early days. 12weeks? met near end Nov, have met 1/2 nights a week since. he invited me last min to new year family thing. 2nights, met cousins, aunts mum, sister, oldest son. he then met my parents (briefly) and dd when they brought her home early one weekend! and dd has met him since. having a kids night with his ds and niece and my dd soon. all that doesnt bother me it's more what he has said about not going fast. but do actions speak louder? should I maybe just say I'm confused, or just go with the flow?

My advice would be to listen to the words. Meeting each other families is not going slow. How old is your DD? When I was seeing Mr S I forced on his actions. The fact he told me he needed to see me more, arranged to see me about 4x a week, always initiated conversation, morning and night texts, photos during the day, the way it felt when we were together. But he told me he needed to take it slow. I couldn't hear that because his actions were different. And he ended things because, well I still don't know, but one reason him not being ready for where we had got to.

@notcoolmum you've really confused me. I always thought actions spoke louder than words 😫

how long were you together?

@crazycatlady20 It's both. It's always both together. If the words are great but the actions don't match. If the actions are great but the words don't match. Both point equally to a discrepancy.

@shitwithsugaron so glad Mr List sorted something for Valentines.

@nomore Hope you are okay. There's a quote that goes something along the lines of if you don't have closure from the people who cut you, you'll bleed over the people who didn't do anything wrong. Hope you are in a place you can move on from.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I'm really sorry that the aftermath is still as raw and traumatic as ever - and it will probably be that way for some time....But I do agree with shitwith, as much as you are lonely, dating is already something that can tilt a persons confidence/self esteem unless they're in an emotionally stable place. Are you sure you're ready? What diff does it make if you just take a few months out for some self-care, seeing freinds/investing in stable forms of care that someone else can't remove from you at a moments notice?

I know not all of us are looking for relationships atm, but I loved this

"Against Chill"
medium.com/matter/against-chill-930dfb60a577#.pm4j6cpfz

I'm seeing a counsellor. She is supporting me and I'm going slow where I can. I'm always quite mercurial so that's fairly normal for me, but I do have trust issues thanks to STBX. And most of those are with myself and I hate that. I don't trust myself any more.

@Tenetenba
I know others on here have struggled with WhatsApp in terms of 1 tick, 2 ticks, grey ticks, blue ticks, online or not so they turned everything off so you dont know when they were last on or even if they have read your message.
A lot found the overthinking and worrying stopped.

If you're not ready it's fair enough but dont give up just because of this one thing unless there are other red flags.

crazycat it’s definitely words and actions matching that is the ideal situation. And I would also advocate going with the flow! Let him gradually get to know you as you get to know him. It takes time to know a person and know what you both want from each other. 12 weeks is no time at all really.