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Original poster

Fussy partner with food!

521 replies

MellowMelly · 24/01/2020 11:44

This will probably sound completely trivial but it’s seriously causing issues.
My partner is ridiculously fussy with food. The main bone of contention is dinner. He is never happy no matter what I serve up and I’m finding cooking now to be an utter chore rather than enjoyable and I’m so limited to what I can cook for him now it’s become ridiculous.
I’m fed up of serving up food and watching as he pushes his food around the plate whilst actually pulling faces and then starts critiquing it either during the meal or after. Apparently the chicken the other night was chewy and inedible (he made sure I knew this by making it obvious that he was struggling to cut it, I however had no problems) the hake I cooked was watery and had no taste (it had a lemon and dill sauce on it), the pizza was definitely not hot enough so therefore not cooked properly and might make him ill, he is ‘minced out’ from Bolognaise, he won’t eat lamb now as some minted lamb shanks have put him off it. He won’t eat anything with rice/pasta, anything covered in breadcrumbs, anything too ‘herby’.

It doesn’t stop at my door with his criticism, his Mother and the takeaways/restaurants get it too. The sauce was too thick, there was not enough chicken in the kebab, the chips were soggy, the battered cod was too greasy...it’s endless.

We tried HelloFresh. Out of the hundred recipes only 3 made it into the acceptable pile.

I’ve told my partner to cook dinner if I’m so terrible at cooking, the few occasions that he has, well, he criticised his own cooking too Hmm

Suggestions? I will even accept LTB Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowMelly · 27/01/2020 10:24

@TwentyViginti

Yes I’ve kept all the emails. I quite specifically and simply said in the last one I sent him ‘please leave me alone’ and he kept on pestering me via email regardless. I’ve not responded any further.

His emails were really odd. Like you said fully apologetic one minute and begging me to talk, the next one would be a lot of swearing in it and things like ‘you’re the worst girlfriend I’ve ever had, you’re a fucking psycho’Hmm

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 27/01/2020 10:30

You have done really well to get out of there and away from that loon, MellowMelly!

It does sound as though every single small comment he made was fully intended to put you down and break your spirit - who the hell thinks that stirring sugar is going to wear out a mug??

You have shown him that he hasn't broken you and he can't - you are too strong for him! It's great that you are talking to the police and I hope that they are supportive.

Start enjoying the rest of your life, putting your feet up wherever you want them!

Weetabollocks · 27/01/2020 10:32

Gosh I've just read the thread from start to finish, I think my heart stopped when he was extra nasty to you, I thought he'd realised you were leaving and would stop you. I'm SO glad you are out of there.

Hope it goes well with the police. Remember everything I am sure you know from leaving your last relationship, like the fact that you are most at risk now you have left him. It sounds like you are doing all sensible things.

May I suggest being one notch more assertive? Don't tell him you'd prefer it if he didn't come round- that leaves wiggle room for "you weren't clear, I thought your wanted persuading!" - tell him do not come round.

Chop the flowers up and in the bin they go.

Have some mumsnet flowers, they're much nicer -
Flowers

OccasionalNachos · 27/01/2020 10:34

You’ve been fantastic Mellowmelly / so glad you have real life support & have the police involved. First day of the rest of your life is today. Take care xx

Weetabollocks · 27/01/2020 10:35

Cross posted, you've already said please leave me alone. Perfect.

I wonder if somebody else can read the emails for you? Obviously somebody who can be trusted not to respond. Just to take you one step further out of his reach.

WeirdPookah · 27/01/2020 11:00

Great move involving the police before anything escalates. I am glad you were with a friend when he came past. That's creepy. It sounds like you have support around you, take care.

Bluetrews25 · 27/01/2020 11:00

Well done Mellowmelly
Did he piss on the floor around the loo? - sounds just the type!
So glad you are out and being supported.
Brew Cake Cake Brew for both of you.

RhubarbTea · 27/01/2020 11:19

I'm SO glad you've involved the police, his emails coupled with driving past your house sounds really worrying. I hope you are okay and they can do something. He's harassing you.

billy1966 · 27/01/2020 11:30

Well done OP, for getting away and involving the police.

Why shouldn't you get your belongings back if you wish.

Involving the police will put him on notice that he has been flagged to them.

He's a nasty bully.

Well done for being so strong💐.

Gotthetshirt23 · 27/01/2020 11:36

Well Done ! Really pleased that your friend is supporting you (and liking your food Grin)
And that you are having a chat with the police .
Great updates

Daftapath · 27/01/2020 11:42

I'm so glad that the police are coming to speak with you. If they offer a non mol order, don't downplay what he is doing and turn them down. I think there is every possibility that he could escalate further. You have escaped and he won't like that and will feel the need to punish you for it.

His current behaviour sounds very like my xh who would swing between begging, conciliatory emails and then to full on abusive rants. He ended up trying to break into my house with a friend he had commandeered to help. Thankfully I was unexpectedly at home and he was too stunned to continue his attempts once he saw me.

On another note, do you have any joint finances?

PatellarTendonitis · 27/01/2020 11:57

He's following a very classic abuser script. I hope the police are able to help you.

Please do not date again until you've had really extensive therapy. Abusers target vulnerable people and you are still vulnerable.

YasssKween · 27/01/2020 12:12

Good luck for your police visit mellow we are with you in spirit! So impressed with how you've handled this Thanks

Sexnotgender · 27/01/2020 12:23

I knew he’d get angry, they all do when they realise they’ve lost control.

So glad you involved the police.

These blokes need to come with a bloody health warning.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 27/01/2020 12:36

The police were great. They have just left.
Having listened to me, they’ve said he is showing a pattern of behaviour called coercive control for some of these reasons...
Preventing me from sleeping.
Starting to isolate me from family and friends
Telling me where I can/can’t work
The start of financial control over me (he has been taking more and more days off unpaid and was starting to ask me to pay more than half the bills)
The start of sexual coercion
Gaslighting
Frequent criticism and belittling
The start of controlling my freedom

They were pretty gobsmacked about some of the stuff. Like one day I cleaned a smudge on the wall from a bug he squashed and threw the tissue down the toilet. A bit later he is calling me to the bathroom, he is having a wee, so I go to him and he says ‘was it you or me that has left this bit of toilet paper hanging over the side’ (I had accidentally not quite got it fully in the toilet and he knew it was me) I said ‘oh that was me’.
He said ‘make sure you get it right in the toilet next time’.
The police officer said ‘I can’t believe he just didn’t push the toilet tissue down there himself as he was having a wee anyway. He just wanted to point it out to you as another way to say you’re incapable of getting anything right’.
I’m so glad they understood! I had to give so many examples of his behaviour.

They are going to his address to see if his is home. I’ve given them his mobile numbers too.

OP posts:
PatellarTendonitis · 27/01/2020 12:43

Yes, he is very classic, and the biting your arse and pulling your hair and shaking you to wake you are physical abuse. These abusers can sniff out vulnerable people, do look at the links on this thread with books and such to check out, do the Freedom Programme and spend a lot of time on yourself and your other relationships, the stronger these are, the better.

I'm so glad the police were helpful.

He needs to leave you alone. He knows damn well what he is doing.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 27/01/2020 12:43

Sorry for long post, so relieved and wanted to share!

@Bluetrews25 yes he did piss on the floor! He would have a half hearted clean up of it and then say to me ‘make sure you give that a proper clean round the toilet today as it’s stinks of piss’. I basically enslaved myself too him Blush

@Daftapath no joint finances thank goodness. This has made it far more simple for me to sever all contact immediately as we have no loose ends to tie up

OP posts:
OvalCanvas · 27/01/2020 12:46

Fantastic op. He'll deny/minimise it all but it'll help to have it on file in case his behaviour escalates.

You're doing everything right , please take some time to do things you enjoy too. As difficult as it is , don't let managing his pathetic behaviour take over.

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2020 12:49

I wonder how many abusive partners realise the person they are belittling is getting help from the Internet.

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/01/2020 12:50

Well done OP. When I had a newborn and tried to go for a nap my ex would come in the bedroom and switch the lights on and tell me to get up. I was so tired I was hallucinating.

CinderEmma · 27/01/2020 12:51

I'm so glad you've got out of there. You're really brave, good to hear that the police have listened to you.

He sounds like an absolute narc.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/01/2020 12:56

Christ OP.. ringing the bells of Freedom for you Lady Flowers

FaithInfinity · 27/01/2020 13:02

So glad you’ve escaped. He really has shown his true colours now!

Apolloanddaphne · 27/01/2020 13:06

I am glad the police are taking it seriously. I hope he doesn't cause problems for you after they have been to see him.

TwentyViginti · 27/01/2020 13:13

So good that now you're out of it you can see how much of an arsehole he is!

I doubt he'll cause more bother once he knows he's on the police radar.