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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mother....

157 replies

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 15:59

Have changed username as very specific details - please bear with me!

When my parents divorced, my mother received a large amount of rental properties from my father (inherited from his mother who died young), alongside the family home. My father, who is a shit stirrer, sent me a bunch of legal documents at the weekend which show for the past few years, my mother was supposed to pay each of us 4 children a % of the rental yield of the properties.

I was very angry that she had not mentioned this to us. It’s not about the money - I would never ask her to give it to us. But it’s about withholding the information/not letting us decide for ourselves. When I asked her about it and explained this (that I was upset she had not told us about it - but that I did not expect any money!), she completely lost her shit and insisted that she does not need to pay this as she put us through private school (by taking out mortgages and the rent; not from having a job). In truth she lived dramatically outside her means - horses, expensive holidays for herself and long lunches and dinners, lady of leisure etc. She paid off the mortgages by downsizing the house and has let all of my siblings live in the family properties either rent free or at a reduced rent, except for me, who has always had to pay full rent. This is typical of how unfairly she treats me.

I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of her refusing to discuss things like grown ups. She uninvited me from family lunch at the weekend for daring to bring this up - I met her today with a friend and she made several passive aggressive digs about all the money she spent on our education etc etc.

She has DS once a week for an afternoon so i can have a break and because she loves having him. So I can’t really go NC. Plus we just bought a house around the corner. But I am hurt and angry and I have finally had enough.

I suppose I just want some advice on what to do/how to handle. Sorry for the length and not sure how much sense it makes!

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 16:02

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful by the way - I am massively grateful for our education! That’s why I would never dream of asking her for the money. But I don’t think that’s a reason not to have told us about it...

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 16:45

Oh god someone please advise!! I’m really upset about this and would really like some unbiased opinions re her withholding the legal document from us...

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 23/01/2020 16:53

It's always going to look like a money issue as that's what it is, fundamentally.
You have an entitlement to money that you haven't received or known about.

Your mother has been shady in not telling you about it, but she's not willing to talk it over.

What are you actually looking for here?

Money?
And apology?
Rent free living?

You need to know what you want to go forward.

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2020 17:03

First things first - what are the contents and status of the legal document, and is it enforceable?

Second, you don't actually need the one afternoon a week 'child care', do you? So separate these things.

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2020 17:05

And why do you call your dad a 'shit stirrer'? Where did that come from?

Sounds more like he sent you the truth.

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 17:10

It is a good question- and thank you for replying. I just want acknowledgment i suppose that she should have shared this information. But it’s gone deeper than that now as I’ve actually been “punished” for bringing it up and so now it’s really shone a light on her general treatment of me I think. So now I suppose I want acknowledgment that her behaviour hasn’t been ok either / uninviting me from luncH, ignoring me.

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 17:13

Second, you don't actually need the one afternoon a week 'child care', do you? So separate these things

Not at all - and we can pay for It anyway but it’s just if I stopped it she would rally up my brothers and everyone would accuse me of using DS to hurt her etc etc. She likes the time and he adores her so not sure I would want to stop it anyway.

My father IS a shit stirrer - he is bitter from a divorce 23 years ago and hates my mother and has only sent this document to cause trouble. However I am pleased that he has as I had a right to know about this.

I am fairly surely the document is legally enforceable, as my mother’s huge reaction and some sort of cock and bull “my lawyer said I don’t need to pay this as I paid for your school fees” (which makes no sense actually) have made me think she is concerned it will be used against her somehow. Which it won’t.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 23/01/2020 17:25

Did your DF send the docs to your other siblings?

Or do you plan to tell them?

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 17:31

He does not have contact with 2 of the others and asked me to. I have told 1 of them and my mother has presumably told the other (spinning it in a specific way to make me the villain). The 3rd he has told.

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 17:33

But since they all receive loans/free rent from her and other stuff I think they are unlikely to find this that unfair. the 3rd brother owes her 80k and could easily use this to say “well I will subtract the 35k you owe me and only pay 45k instead”. Which would be extremely unfair on the rest of us but within his legal rights.

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 17:39

I suppose it IS about the money - but is about the unfairness of the money and the deception around it. It’s not about me wanting the actual cash if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
PGtipsplease · 23/01/2020 17:45

She’s toxic and you know she is.

She’s cuddled you out of money you were entitled to - on top of that she make you pay a higher rate in rent as if she wasn’t already ripping you off.

Look how she tried to cut you off when you challenged her. She’s showing you that you better not go there.

I’d absolutely go there. Go and see a solicitor.

PGtipsplease · 23/01/2020 17:45

And how do you know she hasn’t been paying your bothers anything..

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2020 17:49

If she's a Bonkerist, with her own pet 'flying monkeys', you might want to think long and hard about letting her develop a relationship with your DC sufficient to create yet another flying monkey to make you feel inadequate, sad or unhappy.

PGtipsplease · 23/01/2020 17:51

Fiddled ! Not cuddled.

Geppili · 23/01/2020 18:03

Your mother is narcissistic and deceitful. Your brothers are her golden kids and flying monkeys. You are the scapegoat. It is a toxic dynamic. I grew up in it. Not least the huge guilt trip about private education.

Geppili · 23/01/2020 18:04

See a lawyer and clarify things with your father ASAP.

filka · 23/01/2020 18:05

What's the nature of the legal agreement? Is it a trust deed of some sort, with you 4 as beneficiaries? Or some sort of divorce settlement (clean break?)? It may be worth half an hour with a lawyer to review it.

Did DF also pay maintenance, and would that have included a contribution to school fees? i.e. is it true that DM has paid the school fees out of her own pocket and out of the rent?

Looking ahead, your DM's estate is clearly sizeable - is it clear how it will be eventually distributed between the 4 of you? Any chance that you could be penalised there too?

Going back to before you knew about this agreement, why did DBs all get rent free houses and loans and you got nothing? It seems like she has always punished you, it's nothing new since you raised the issue of the agreement.

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/01/2020 18:10

It would be a shame if they had been receiving the rental money and your the only one who hasn't.

Stuff the once a week baby sitting and take the cow to court, don't allow her to walk all over you. If you want the drama to stop op you have to step off the stage, and this means asserting your rights and boundaries.

brassbrass · 23/01/2020 18:10

None of these people have your best interest at heart. Certainly not your mother and your brother's have quite happily benefitted from handouts without thinking about how unfair it is to you. They are all programmed to seeing you as having less value. You are worth less. Literally.

Why on earth would you want these people in your child's life?

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 18:13

What is the flying monkeys thing? Please explain: I am Intrigued.

I am minded to see a lawyer but I know I become the bad guy then...

It’s a divorce settlement. She basically received all the properties instead of child maintenance or any other contributions from my father. That was the legal deal as the properties were sizeable in rental yield and mortgage free etc. She should have comfortably been able to afford school fees etc had she lived within her means, and probably could have got a job too. The arrangement states that when we reach 25 or leave full time education, she is to pay each of us 7.5% annual rental yield of the properties (or a % of the sale if she sells).

The unfair rent came about just because I am in a better financial position than my brothers. I don’t begrudge them but I do feel like it’s very unfair and it’s the most tangible example of how unfairly she treats us. She treats me like absolute shit under her shoe.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 23/01/2020 18:15

Also the being uninvited from the lunch. How did she do that exactly? Tell you that you can't come anymore? Do your siblings know and are they happily going along with that treatment of you?

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 18:16

Looking ahead, your DM's estate is clearly sizeable - is it clear how it will be eventually distributed between the 4 of you? Any chance that you could be penalised there too?

Currently it is actually even - she did redo it recently and we all saw it. In fact she added a bit which said I was to receive her jewellery, which was a very nice surprise and perhaps intended to make up for the unfairness of the years of free or reduced rent of the others.but doesn’t really as she could change it on a whim.

OP posts:
PGtipsplease · 23/01/2020 18:17

I am minded to see a lawyer but I know I become the bad guy then...

So what that money was yours. She’s effectively stealing your and your sons money to keep her in her life style.

Also your dads not shit stirring - he’s letting you know she’s gone against what they both agreed. She would have signed that. She would get hammered in court

brassbrass · 23/01/2020 18:17

I am minded to see a lawyer but I know I become the bad guy then

You're already the bad guy probably have been all your life! Explore the legal advice.

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