My mother....

[Anothermotherproblem]

Have changed username as very specific details - please bear with me!

When my parents divorced, my mother received a large amount of rental properties from my father (inherited from his mother who died young), alongside the family home. My father, who is a shit stirrer, sent me a bunch of legal documents at the weekend which show for the past few years, my mother was supposed to pay each of us 4 children a % of the rental yield of the properties.

I was very angry that she had not mentioned this to us. It’s not about the money - I would never ask her to give it to us. But it’s about withholding the information/not letting us decide for ourselves. When I asked her about it and explained this (that I was upset she had not told us about it - but that I did not expect any money!), she completely lost her shit and insisted that she does not need to pay this as she put us through private school (by taking out mortgages and the rent; not from having a job). In truth she lived dramatically outside her means - horses, expensive holidays for herself and long lunches and dinners, lady of leisure etc. She paid off the mortgages by downsizing the house and has let all of my siblings live in the family properties either rent free or at a reduced rent, except for me, who has always had to pay full rent. This is typical of how unfairly she treats me.

I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of her refusing to discuss things like grown ups. She uninvited me from family lunch at the weekend for daring to bring this up - I met her today with a friend and she made several passive aggressive digs about all the money she spent on our education etc etc.

She has DS once a week for an afternoon so i can have a break and because she loves having him. So I can’t really go NC. Plus we just bought a house around the corner. But I am hurt and angry and I have finally had enough.

I suppose I just want some advice on what to do/how to handle. Sorry for the length and not sure how much sense it makes!

If you want the drama to stop op you have to step off the stage, and this means asserting your rights and boundaries

This is very true But I am
Terrified of the immediate fall out and nastiness i will receive from both my mother and brothers.

Flying monkeys is a term used in popular psychology mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse. They are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose. The phrase has also been used to refer to people who act on behalf of a psychopath, for a similar purpose.

You won't become the bad guy OP. You'll be the sibling who stood up for herself, and her family, to find out the truth.

Contact a lawyer and see where you stand. Then you can go from there.

The thing is I don’t “need” the money, and she does. She lives outside her means and she wants that money to live off and go for nice lunches, continue not to work etc. And morally I feel obligated to let her continue to do that as she did put us through private school. I just think she has handled the entire situation appallingly, and I don’t understand why her failing to disclose something to me should be used as yet another stick to beat me with.

I am also Irritated that she has tried to feed me a very obvious lie about a lawyer telling her she didn’t have to pay the money...when of course she does! Her making a decision to send us to school does not negate a binding legal agreement she made.

Are you afraid of your bothers?

If you had £10,000 and your mother stole it - would you not want it back or would you just keep your mouth shut in fear??

That money is potentially your sons inheritance

@PGtipsplease

Thank you for this - sounds very eerily
True. Frankly I think I might go and see a lawyer and then as an aside a therapist to look at how
To deal with all
This. It’s finally time to accept I think that this is all not ok....

I choose to put my two girls in private school. They never asked. They don’t even know that free schools exist - yet! It was my choice - you owe her nothing

@PGtipsplease

I am afraid of them
Ganging upon me. A year ago my
Mother made some very unpleasant comments re my DS and my mothering, and I wanted to stop her from
Having him
And I received a lot of nasty abuse from
Everyone about it.

Terrified of the immediate fall out and nastiness i will receive from both my mother and brothers.

There is already nastiness it's just that you've normalised it because it's been going on for so long. Stick up for yourself no one else can do it for you.

So she’s not great with him really is she?

You can also block numbers

Do your bothers know about the recent developments?

If I were you I'd get legal advice and if you truly are entitled to the money, weigh up your options. You could either demand that money and put it in a trust fund or something similar for your child's future, whether that be to fund his education or a deposit on a house.

However, that does mean that she may well write you out of her will meaning you'll lose out on a later inheritance or what'll be left of it given your comments re her living beyond her means.

You really need to see a lawyer. What she chose to pay out for your education is entirely irrelevant. She's essentially saying that you are responsible for paying for your own education from when you were a child. Batshit crazy.

The fact she uninvited you from lunch shows how childish she is for starters - what mother does that? I couldn't have someone like that in my life. I have 2 siblings, one is OK financially and the other really lives hand to mouth. I'm a lot wealthier than both of them, however, everything is split equally between us when my DM dies. Ive told dm that I'm happy for her to give my third to my poorer sibling as a don't need it and he does but dm insists an equal split is the way it shall be. She would never show favouritism. And neither would I with my own kids.
Your mum sounds toxic and damaging and I would stop her from seeing your ds until she agrees to discuss the matter like an adult.

She is passive aggressively belittling you , she is cheating you out of money, she is favouring your DBS. Your DS will pick up the negativity towards you subconsciously - don't you remember as a child sensing unpleasantness between adults?
Give some thought to where you want this to go. Once married I never lived near family. They didn't figure hugely in our day to day lives. Do you need yours?

My main reason for wanting to see a lawyer is some sort of validation that I am not being insane or unreasonable. DH is constantly telling me I am treated unfairly and I suppose I would like a professional to look at the document and say “this is not ok”. Even if that makes me feel pathetic.

Every time I try to stand up for myself when she “punishes” me I end up running back to her the second she shows me any kindness because I’m
So desperate for her approval.

Your comments are all extremely helpful and I thank you for them.

I don’t care about being written out of the will. I don’t care about the actual money because we are very comfortable and I have never felt entitled to anything or especially greedy in that way - I care about starting to treat myself with a bit of respect and not allowing someone to continue to behave like this towards me. This entire thing has upset me a surprising amount - both the (what I feel is a ) huge deception and also the response to it.

My brother who I told has said very little. They are just in her pocket, that’s the problem.

She's essentially saying that you are responsible for paying for your own education from when you were a child. Batshit crazy

This is an excellent way of putting it

She is a thief and she is a criminal......she has stolen from you.....go to a lawyer and get what is rightly yours....end of

You maybe comfortable now but what about in the future your dad decided that the money should be yours.....I would cut her out of my life.....please stand up to her and grow a backbone don't let her get away with stealing from you she is an entitled bitch to be honest.....I am seething on your behslf

I am finding these comments quite surprising. I was half expecting people to tell me not to be so entitled!

How old are you op? The way I read it, the rental yield was to pay towards the upbringing of the children until they reached 25 or left full time education? So if you were 30, that might be 5 years x 7.5%? The amount would depend on where the properties are and how many there are.

I am 29, but my brothers are in their 30s, up to 34/35 so it’s significantly more for them.

Annually it’s not an enormous amount each (based on my estimates of the rental yield - I don’t know the exact amounts), but backdated it actually adds up to some considerable amounts - 10s of thousands each etc.

I don’t understand why someone would withhold their child’s money. I would never do this to my son.

Just look at it from the point of view that she agreed to a set of terms in the divorce which she has not followed. The agreement was reached for a reason, and if she hadn’t agreed then a different set of terms would have been negotiated (probably securing income for you after the age of 25). It’s a shame it wasn’t a bit more careful structured at the time. She’s acting this way to scare you, are you sure she still has the rental properties?

She treats me like absolute shit under her shoe.

Then you really MUST take your child away from her. You must. She will poison him against - is very probably doing it already. This can will reach very serious proteins the older he gets - and watch out for the teen years when she'll suffer with him against you and will alienate you out of his life. Don't think I'm being extreme to say this - I wish I were.

Do get therapy. Do look up toxic families etc and narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

are you sure she still has the rental properties?

Yes!!! My brothers are living in some of them and the others (shops etc) are local so I know they are hers!

I’ve emailed my lawyer!