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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mother....

157 replies

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 15:59

Have changed username as very specific details - please bear with me!

When my parents divorced, my mother received a large amount of rental properties from my father (inherited from his mother who died young), alongside the family home. My father, who is a shit stirrer, sent me a bunch of legal documents at the weekend which show for the past few years, my mother was supposed to pay each of us 4 children a % of the rental yield of the properties.

I was very angry that she had not mentioned this to us. It’s not about the money - I would never ask her to give it to us. But it’s about withholding the information/not letting us decide for ourselves. When I asked her about it and explained this (that I was upset she had not told us about it - but that I did not expect any money!), she completely lost her shit and insisted that she does not need to pay this as she put us through private school (by taking out mortgages and the rent; not from having a job). In truth she lived dramatically outside her means - horses, expensive holidays for herself and long lunches and dinners, lady of leisure etc. She paid off the mortgages by downsizing the house and has let all of my siblings live in the family properties either rent free or at a reduced rent, except for me, who has always had to pay full rent. This is typical of how unfairly she treats me.

I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of her refusing to discuss things like grown ups. She uninvited me from family lunch at the weekend for daring to bring this up - I met her today with a friend and she made several passive aggressive digs about all the money she spent on our education etc etc.

She has DS once a week for an afternoon so i can have a break and because she loves having him. So I can’t really go NC. Plus we just bought a house around the corner. But I am hurt and angry and I have finally had enough.

I suppose I just want some advice on what to do/how to handle. Sorry for the length and not sure how much sense it makes!

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 19:01

@springydaff

You sound like you are speaking from experience and I am sorry for that x

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/01/2020 19:02

For fucksake!
She will poison him against you
This will reach very serious proportions
She'll side with him against you

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 19:04

@springydaff

I think you misunderstood my post! I’m
Just expressing sympathy that you have such personal knowledge of this type of horrible situation. I’m sure that you are right...

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/01/2020 19:05

The ffs was at my typos op, not you!

I've experienced something like it, yes, and also know too much about narcissistic abuse and being the family scapegoat.

Poor ol me Wink
We're strong us! We're survivors 💪

LolaSkoda · 23/01/2020 19:19

OP, can i ask - why has it taken so long for your Father to tell you, and what do you think his motivation is? It seems like he has known about this for a long time!

7yo7yo · 23/01/2020 19:23

Get legal advice.
You will always be the “bad” one.
Get what you are legally entitled to.
You might be comfortably of but consider this your child’s money.
Stop your child seeing her, she is toxic and will turn him against you using money and/or drop feed poison in his ears about you.
Stop being that frightened girl desperate for your mums love, Respect, approval, attention and affection. She is not worthy of you.

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 19:27

@LolaSkoda

He apparently just came across the paperwork.

I’m sure his Motivation isn’t great - he would love to cause problems with my mother and us. But equally they are properties his mother worked extremely hard for and he inherited and they mean a great deal to him.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 23/01/2020 19:34

But the agreement was with your father, not with you. Seems to me that if anyone takes legal steps, it would have to be him.

MollyButton · 23/01/2020 19:37

I'd suggest you get legal advise. You don't need to do anything, but knowledge is power.
I would also suggest that you get some counselling from someone who knows about Toxic Families. And I would suggest you read the book Toxic Families, and look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships.

A flying monkey is a reference to The Wizard of Oz and the witch sending out flying monkeys to attack on her behalf. It refers to family members, friends etc who attack you as a result of stories she tells.

I would want to reduce contact between her and my child before she uses them and/or tries to poison them against you.

LolaSkoda · 23/01/2020 19:40

I’m really glad he told you. Regardless of what you do or don’t do, at least you know the truth and this can inform your decisions/relationships moving forward.

My mother is very similar to yours. The best thing I ever did was to go NC.

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 19:41

Seems to me that if anyone takes legal steps, it would have to be him

He is fully prepared to do this.

Although I still think it’s relevant to us as we are the beneficiaries of the money.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 23/01/2020 19:57

She treats you badly anyway, your brothers are clearly not on your side.
Time to think of yourself. Your DC and your future. Speak to a lawyer and put wheels in motion to sort the mess out and get what's yours.
She has financially manipulated you all for years - she doesn't deserve your loyalty anymore.

RandomMess · 23/01/2020 19:57

ShockI hope your father takes legal recourse.

I hope you have decent therapy to extract yourself and your DS from your mother.

incognitomum · 23/01/2020 20:08

Do you have a partner OP? If so what do they think?

You really need to keep her away from ds. And stop being scared. You're a mother...find your tigress!

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:10

My husband is in agreement with me. I’ve shown him this thread actually and he (like me) is quite emboldened by the responses. He encouraged me to email our lawyer. He has been saying for years my mother treats me unfairly etc. He’s very supportive.

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:10

I am still unsure re DS as he adores her so much. Always asking for her etc and they have a lot of fun together...

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:18

Jesus Christ a friend of hers that I really like has just messaged me saying I should cut my mother some slack. Is she on MN? Or has my mother just been discussing this and bitching about me with everyone

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2020 20:23

Your Mother will have been bitching using her twisted version of events...

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/01/2020 20:29

Get this moved op it's got Daily Mail and others all over it

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:30

@Guiltypleasures001

Surely not! It’s really not very interesting! Just sad

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 23/01/2020 20:31

Oh this is right up theirs street lovely

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2020 20:40

Your DS needs protecting from anyone toxic. Do your job. And I mean that kindly.

brassbrass · 23/01/2020 20:52

Though you may not see it now she will use your DS against you the same way she punished you with the rent in contrast to your brothers and the lunch invite and the countless other things no doubt that only you know about. Your DS will be another stick to beat you with. Not saying she will premeditatively plan to do that but that is her general MO. End result will be the same. Food for thought.

Also is your DS her only grandchild at the moment? If so and should one of your golden brothers reproduce imagine the fun she could have showing you how favourably she can treat them and punish you again and more painfully how your DS will become the next mini you.

Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:53

Also is your DS her only grandchild at the moment?

Yes. Worth saying she forced herself into being at the birth.

OP posts:
Anothermotherproblem · 23/01/2020 20:55

(And she uses having been at the birth as some sort of top trumps card to show off to her other grandmother friends)

OP posts:
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