My mother....

[Anothermotherproblem]

Have changed username as very specific details - please bear with me!

When my parents divorced, my mother received a large amount of rental properties from my father (inherited from his mother who died young), alongside the family home. My father, who is a shit stirrer, sent me a bunch of legal documents at the weekend which show for the past few years, my mother was supposed to pay each of us 4 children a % of the rental yield of the properties.

I was very angry that she had not mentioned this to us. It’s not about the money - I would never ask her to give it to us. But it’s about withholding the information/not letting us decide for ourselves. When I asked her about it and explained this (that I was upset she had not told us about it - but that I did not expect any money!), she completely lost her shit and insisted that she does not need to pay this as she put us through private school (by taking out mortgages and the rent; not from having a job). In truth she lived dramatically outside her means - horses, expensive holidays for herself and long lunches and dinners, lady of leisure etc. She paid off the mortgages by downsizing the house and has let all of my siblings live in the family properties either rent free or at a reduced rent, except for me, who has always had to pay full rent. This is typical of how unfairly she treats me.

I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of her refusing to discuss things like grown ups. She uninvited me from family lunch at the weekend for daring to bring this up - I met her today with a friend and she made several passive aggressive digs about all the money she spent on our education etc etc.

She has DS once a week for an afternoon so i can have a break and because she loves having him. So I can’t really go NC. Plus we just bought a house around the corner. But I am hurt and angry and I have finally had enough.

I suppose I just want some advice on what to do/how to handle. Sorry for the length and not sure how much sense it makes!

Yes I don't blame you. Use the anger constructively but sounds as if you are already.

Certainly she is making it easy for you to not let DS spend time with her again. All you have to do and say is that you are waiting for a sincere apology over excluding you from the family meal and refusing to discuss the financial issue with you.

You will have a long wait for that apology... we'll certainly a sincere one!

Ok so i think I didn’t accurately portray the situation to my lawyer, as her answer has effectively been that I should discuss this with my mother first and foremost as perhaps she forgot about it and will want to make amends. Have had to go back to clarify somewhat!

New lawyer required.

No no, this lawyer is great have used her before. Sending her the doc via scan Monday to get her opinion. Her initial response when I’ve given more info is that the school fees are utterly irrelevant as the wording is that we are to receive the% “at the age of 25 or when out of full time education, whichever is later”

*i’d given, rather!

Also have had a very nasty message from my mother this morning and this thread has really helped me feel strong enough to rise above it! Thank you.

Glad us vipers have helped

Just to add, I think your lawyer is suggesting that you speak to her as legal bills for family disputes can spiral (sometimes disproportionately to the overall sum at the source of the dispute) so it’s best practice to encourage an amicable resolution. I think it is good to be able to show the court that steps to get an amicable resolution have been taken but failed prior to legal action. So worth explaining the situation to her in full then going from there.

OP - you said your Dad was abusive. I know this isn’t the focus of the thread, but do YOU know he had been abusive (as in witnessed it first hand) or are you relying on what your Mum’s said?

Because if it’s the latter, you now know she’s more than happy to lie to you about him (and conceal other things from you).

Your Dad may or may not have intended this whole episode to be shit-stirring. If I thought my ex was deliberately concealing money intended for my kids then I would make sure they knew!

He reached the agreement he did, in the exact way it was written, precisely so that you and your brothers would ultimately take some benefit from his family’s hard work. If he’d thought at the time that your Mum would keep this from you and the other DC then he’d have fought for a different settlement. She is not entitled to the money she’s kept back from you - why on earth would he keep quiet about that to his kids?!

I completely agree with Alien that it was good practise for your lawyer to suggest you talk to your mum about it first - for the reasons Alien outlined.

Also bear in mind - and I'm sorry to say this - but MN likes nothing more than a caricature Bad Mother. There is a very strong mother hate in our culture at the moment - reflected in these boards (no matter that most of us are mothers.. ) - and I'm not sure your thread responses will be entirely balanced.

However, I am the poster who directed you to the book Toxic Parents so, despite the bloodbath that is mother bashing, there are some bona fide cases, and I think your case is relatively clear cut. At least on this and the scapegoating you have routinely experienced at her hands.

But do also bear in mind that in toxic marriages - and your parents' relationship seems to fall within those bounds - it is nigh impossible to really know what's going on, or has gone on, who is the aggressor. Try to stick to what you are currently facing without trying to work out the bigger picture - or you will get dragged into their hellish toxicity where no one is the winner, you get dragged down to the pit with them.

I think you have nothing to lose. Push this with your solicitor and hopefully your dad will keep asking that it’s enforced. You are legally and morally entitled to this. Stop letting her have your ds, I bet she’s dripping poison into his ears too. Is it just brothers you have? Are men valued more highly than women in your culture?

Your mother is also abusive, not just your father.

I hope you can see this through and that your solicitor doesn't direct you to talk to your mother.

Your solicitor should be giving you proper legal counsel.

I agree with @WhereWillYouBeInAYearFromNow the solicitor would be incorrect to tell you to talk to her given her ‘I paid for your schooling’ bollocks. She has illegally withheld what is lawfully yours. You could take her to court and sue her for lost earnings and damages and probably win. I can’t see any judge agreeing with her frankly batshit idea of it being quits because she chose to send you to private school. Her earnings must be huge given there are multiple properties.

I agree with PaterPower

and yes, push ahead

op your mother is being very cruel to you and you have a right to the money. Her behaviour shows she knows she is in the wrong.

i would reconsider letting her have time with ds as she is clearly abusive to you

Op google FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt). This is what you are living under with your mother.

OP - I am very, very angry. The responses on this thread combined with every day which passes with her ignoring me and behaving as if I am somehow in the wrong are fuelling me forward into action.

It seems clear that your mother has financially wronged you, is mistreating you personally and that you should stop her time with DS.

However, this thread has whipped up a head of steam and anger and I'm concerned that this is not a good frame of mind for trying to seek resolution. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold, and whilst this is not revenge, I do think that the same applies.

Your brothers are also going to be dragged into this, because you should be sharing in the rent that they should have paid on their houses. So the risk is that you could end up alienating everyone and ultimately that may not be the best outcome for you either financially or in terms of relationships.

Think about both what you want, and when you want it. For example, could you "true-up" with your brothers amicably from your mother's estate when she dies?

Take the legal advice on the terms of the contract and enforceability without thinking about if or how to actually enforce it. At this stage, it is just information. For now I would just watch if your father's steps see any results. Do not be in too much of a hurry.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of support. You don't deserve this treatment. You deserve better. Stand your ground 💪

Thank you everyone for the support. I will see what my lawyer says when she has read the document - and what happens with my father and the court.

I am not discussing this at all with my brothers as the disparity between what they have received and me is so huge, and they are too much in her pockets. I have concerns that since they have lived in some of the properties for free for several years it negates much of the rental yield I should have received anyway...question for the lawyer.

Mother now trying to be very nice to me suddenly

Keep alert op. She hasn't had a personality transplant overnight....

I would very much leave the finances up to your Dad. I would focus on detaching from your mother.

Have you had a full and sincere apology yet?

Hahahaa no no! No apology or even mention of it. She sent a very nasty message about something else, I responded in a very “strong” manner eg “I don’t need this toxicity in my life - find another punching bag.” She replied “yawn yawn yawn”, then came round to drop something off and was like “oh you look so lovely” and gave me a hug 🤔 very odd/dysfunctional

Glad you haven't fallen for it.