Do you think that some people are just unloveable?

[NeverBeenLoved]

That's it really.

Do you think that some people are just simply unloveable?

As in they don't possess any of the qualities required for someone to love them? Or, if they do, it is simply not enough to outweigh their unloveableness.

I havent RTWT but I'm afraid I do believe some people will never be loved, however, this is absolutely not because they are unloveable, but simply because they dont love themselves. Quite often, they dont even like themselves very much.
When someone feels unloveable, they tend to also feel undeserving of love, unworthy of a healthy supportive relationship. They wonder what people see in them, they cant relax around people and be themselves because they truly believe that being themselves repels people.
They just cant see what anyone could see in them, they may believe they are boring or lead a boring life, that they are unattractive, not very nice, just generally undeserving of being happy.
This has the effect of creating an invisible barrier to every person they meet.
That barrier is powerful!!
I truly believe that we all set our own value and other people take us at the value we have put on ourselves.
Not sure that makes much sense, but ultimately it means that if a person thinks they are rubbish or unattractive, they will also be conveying a message to the world that they are rubbish and unattractive and most people will believe them.
If a person feels they are amazing and beautiful, then they are conveying a message to the world that they are amazing and beautiful and most people will believe them.
We dont bestow what we believe of ourselves in words, but rather in the way we carry ourselves, the shit we tolerate in life, and how happy we are in general.

If you want people to value you more highly, then you need to value yourself equally well first.
Dont tolerate people treating you badly.
Speak kindly to yourself.
Focus on things you like about yourself and dont doubt those things based on what someone else says.
Confidence is always way sexier than physical features.

It does sound like you have body dysmorphia and you need to work on loving your body for what it is.

I don't think I'll ever 'love' it but, as I've said, these issues only arise when I try to have a relationship. On a daily basis, I think I look ok. I dress well for my shape. I find I'm a bit limited on what i can wear but I look quite nice dressed! I think that's part of the problem, tbh, men seem a bit surprised when they see me naked because it wasnt what they expected.

Yeah, I do know what you mean and I agree with you. I do feel conflicted though because, when I'm single (which is always!), I feel very confident.

I lost a bit of weight a few years ago (down from a 14 to 10/12) and felt very confident. I was more confident sexually and just generally. What shocked me the most was that that was when I seemed to attract the most negativity. So I'm finding that hard too tbh.

Some men seemed to be personally affected that I wasnt crippled by self doubt and self loathing despite not looking as I 'should'.

As I said the other day, I know I sound like I'm finding a problem for every solution but this is why I'm finding the situation so difficult to manage. All the sound advice doesn't seem to be working.

I read a lot of threads on here where women are told "if he's lucky enough to be naked with you he wont care what you look like" but that doesn't seem to apply.

Not really, I mean some people fall in love with murderers in prison so there's got to be someone for everyone right?

I’m unlikeable. I have zero friends.
Plenty of people have said they love me, but I think they love the idea of me rather than love me. If it wasn’t for my dc, who definitely do love me, I’d be sure I was unlovable too.

Not really, I mean some people fall in love with murderers in prison so there's got to be someone for everyone right?

Tbf, I think they probably have their own issues 😉 I mean, that's hardly 'functional' is it?

Howmanysleepsnow

😥❤

For me, it's about someone feeling lucky to have met you; that you have improved their life in some way - that their life feels better for having you in it. Someone who will 'cherish' you and make you feel safe emotionally as well as physically. Someone you know you can trust because they care about you. Someone who desires you and wants to support you in becoming an even better version of yourself than you already are. Someone who is supportive of you and your passions, even if they don't share them. That sort of thing.

I feel like I might as well be saying, "and is also a part time unicorn".

Neverbeenloved, have you tried focusing on something outside of yourself? i.e volunteering for a cause that you feel something for? While it's good to address and acknowledge your dysfunctional childhood you then have to move on. I get the feeling that you are too preoccupied with yourself and this is what is causing you to go round in circles.

Love is not just romantic love. It is far greater than that. Good luck with moving forward.

I was also coming on to say it might be an idea for your immense suffering to be useful in coming alongside others who are suffering immensely - after all, you are highly qualified in that department! I for one get much more out of a dynamic where the person/people I am working with have suffered the same or similar - it's all rather dry, isolating and cold when all they have done is read about it extensively in books. Ugh. Some people like this dynamic, need an expert to encourage them there is a reality, an authority, beyond their suffering. We're all different I suppose.

You are uniquely qualified, a gold mine of empathy and understanding. Eg you know what you did and didn't like about various aspects of your treatment - you won't be the only one. Ime I abhore someone standing at the top of my pit calling down instructions: I want, need, them to get in the pit with me. Not to wallow but to comfort. There is a humility in that.

You have that in spades.

I found utilising my experience by comforting others - even just by presence and empathy - completed the circle: what had been led in I could poor out. (As well as breaking that awful dynamic where it was routinely I who needed the 'help', which got so dull.) It made all the difference for me. In a kind of spiritual sense, perhaps.

*what had been poured in I could pour out

I'm not volunteering at the moment but, yes, I do normally and I've done a lot of it too - I've been the safeguarding lead trustee for a charity; mentored disaffected youths (keeping it vague!); and advocated for adults with learning disabilities and associated conditions amongst other things. I work full time which impacts on my ability to do it currently and the last bout of volunteering took so much out of me mentally and emotionally that I needed a break. I stopped doing that around last summer.

All of the volunteering I've done has been around actively helping vulnerable people and my profession involves a degree of that too. So I do use my experiences in a positive way, yes. I do find the empathy comes in very handy! And I also think that the lived experience is more valuable than the book learning around it.

I get the feeling that you are too preoccupied with yourself and this is what is causing you to go round in circles.

Yes, I can see that it appears that way! I would like to stress that I'm not preoccupied by it constantly. Just that it has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of months. Partly I think because other things in my life are going quite well and this just seems to be the one thing I can't sort out for myself because it's about how others perceive and feel about me and i have no control about that. It's just frustrating!

Plus my hobbies and stuff keep me busy - there's always new music to learn and gigs to prepare for etc. No one has a clue that I feel like this unless I actively tell them.

I'm taking on more responsibility at work which will be rewarding although it won't elicit a financial benefit. And will definitely benefit others.

Like i say, I'm usually fine when I'm single. I think it's just that, with my birthday looming in the next few weeks and Valentine's Day just around the corner, it's thrown it into sharp relief again for me.

It'll pass in a few weeks or so, no doubt, and then I'll be 'ok' again. It's just that, at the moment, it's weighing quite heavily on me again at the moment.

You do have control over how other's perceive and feel about you. You simply have to let go of this control.

You may find this book helpful 'The Courage to Be Disliked' by Ichiro Kishimi and Futitake Koga.

I hope you have a peaceful and enjoyable birthday.

Thanks. I'll look into it.

I don't know, we're always told that what other people think and feel about us is none of our business and that we can't control how they feel.

I guess I'll just have to find some way of being ok with it ultimately.

Valentine’s Day is a load of consumerism BS having a Vday card isn’t being loved. 😀

I hope you are planning a wonderful celebration of you for your birthday with your friends and their love.

Oh I completely agree. And it must be 30 years since I had one! I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager who sent me one. I've never sent one.

It's not about having a valentine's card. It's just a reminder of it all. That's all.

And, no, I'm not celebrating my birthday, I never do. That's something I've never been able to quite get to grips with either.

OP, you keep saying that people hace commented negatively on your ody shape so it must be a fact that it's bad. But I'm still trying to decipher your reaction to a male friend who said he loved your bum, and how you hated that comment. But surely if he liked it, there are other men who like it too, so already it's not a FACT that no one likes it or that it's bad.

I think this is the point you must discuss with a therapist first of all - I know you said you aer too embarassed to mention the word 'bum' but you could just tell then you are very negative about your figure, and that you had comments in the past, exchange the spexific word for 'shape' when you give examples to the therapist.

It's like you wouldnt even accept anyone who dares to compliment you and subconsciously 'have interest' intially in men who are cold/critical or detached (last guy may have been asexual by the sound of it) as that protects you from the dreaded comliments that other men may want to give!

You say yo udon't know initially men aere going to be the aviodant type, but it's the vibe - hence it's subconscious, you ar not aware you choose them.
I'd say try to date - or even to ask out - those open/warmer men who you find ;overwhelming', just dating, see where it goes. Someone similar to that friend in personality - as I think that's where you chance is, but you need to open your mind and go out of your unhealthy comfort zone. People often find all sorts of tfhings overwhelming - but after trying something unfamiliar , realise what they were missing.
I need to add that I really empathise as I have similar issues but not to do with my body shape, though at least I did have several LTRs but haven't found that mutual real, deeply caring feeling that you've described so well.
I really wish you well. 50 is not old - I think that you have a chance like anyone especially as you try to work it out and also have 'blossomed' as your friend said. More of a chance than you had in your past.

sorry for many typos, it's very late!

I cant explain it either. It was a very visceral response. I think it was because I've felt so negatively about it my whole life and I was well into my 40s before I'd received this compliment.

My mother bought me an item of clothing for my birthday at around 13/14 that was quite tight. I tried it on and she then she made a comment about it not suiting me because of my bum and took it back to the shop. I felt utterly humiliated. If I ever wore anything tight - even jeans - she commented on it. I wasn't fat - I had no fat on me as a child/young teen, it was simply my shape.

I spent the rest of my teenage years and early 20s fantasizing about slicing it off or being worried when maneuvering through tables in pubs and small places in case I knocked chairs and tables over.

I just felt sickened by his comment. Disgusted by myself that he'd noticed; I guess I felt violated but I can't really articulate why. Disappointed. Humiliated. I knew then that if someone ever commented positively it would be easier for me to walk away than stay in a relationship with them. If I mentioned it to a therapist, the fact they'd realise I was talking about it would be enough.

Obviously, I'm trying to be a bit vague on here so I'll just clarify.

I don't get asked out by 'warmer' men anymore - I don't get asked out by anyone. I'm thinking back to when I was in my early 20s and I know that i felt so badly about myself that I felt a bit embarrassed for anyone who asked me out and so I would just shut them down or avoid them if they were kind and decent and started to get a bit close.

The last guy I dated wasn't asexual. Very much the opposite in fact. But he was confident and decent and all the positive things I mentioned. So i felt a bit out of my depth initially because I felt he was too good for me. Them there was just this coldness and he was still beautifully mannered and treated me so well but just with no emotional element and he changed noticeably after he had seen me naked (which is a pattern I've seen before). Whilst he still treated me well and we enjoyed each other's company, it was like there was a barrier there to getting emotionally close and I realised it was what it always is and that is that I'm very much the sort of woman they feel they ought to be with - kind, loyal, honest, compassionate but i just come in the wrong package and once they realise this, that's it. Either that or I was good enough company for now but, and this goes back to the beginning, i just dont have the necessary qualities for someone decent to tall in love with me or want to commit to me. I'm not 'the whole package'.

Oh and the friend who complimented me hadn't seen me naked. It was a clothed compliment which I think bothered me too because I like to feel I'm unnoticeable.

I suppose my mother commented on it constantly and it was clear she viewed it as an impediment to me meeting a man/getting married/being taken off her hands and she spent years trying to get me to me 'more' or 'less' of everything else to compensate. Until I was 25, I weighed less than 8 and a half stone (I'm 5'3) so I know now that when she used to comment on me physically it wasnt actually because I was fat - although that is the word she used - or constantly cautioned me against becoming. But she was really cautioning me against my bum getting bigger.

Although i had already started to attract comments from boyfriends about being 'fat'. Although I now see that, at that age/size, they just weren't very nice men who were trying to insult me.

Nowadays, and 2.5 stone heavier I am slightly overweight and everything has increased in size proportionally.

When it's commented on negatively (or even positively it seems) it takes me right back to the humiliation I felt as a child/teen when she made similar comments. Bit I don't think I'd be able to bring it up with a therapist because it is a flaw. Some of the things she said about me weren't true/aren't applicable any more and I've been able to work through those but that, and my face not being pretty, still apply.

I suppose that's it really.

This has been really helpful. I've never been able to narrow it down to that specific thing before this thread.

But I've been able to work through everything else because I have realised those other things either aren't flaws or they were things I was as a child that no longer apply. But that is and it's a physical aspect of women that ither people comment negatively on in the media too.

Tbh, I get the same reaction if I hear Big Bottomed Girls, or anything similar, in the pub. When I was seeing that guy before, I remember an occasion when it came on and I suggested we went outside for a cigarette and i talked loudly all the way through so he/i couldn't hear it. Which is ridiculous really because he'd have heard it 1000 times before. But it sickens me to hear it.

Your mothers comments about your face & bum are her opinion and not fact, the same as everything else. I would say larger bottoms are more desirably portrayed in the media these days.

My advise would be to arrange a birthday get together and I think you will be surprised how many people will want to celebrate your birth and your friendship x

I'm going to be blunt. Your mother abused you.

Do you still see her?

No. I went no contact with her around 10 years ago.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020

I think you're right but the damage has been done and I find even that humiliating. I can't see it, or my physical self, positively at all. I'm aiming for feeling neutral about myself which I've largely achieved regarding my face. Although I dont have photos taken by choice and I'm always shocked when I see myself on them. I just try and tell myself that other people are used to it because they see it all the time and I dont so it's not a shock to them.

Rationally, I can see that my face is 'ok'. There's nothing particularly good or bad about it. It's just a face.