Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

Not me but my cousin.

She has a very odd, very close relationship with her Mum. Her mum.left her not once but 3 times. Her dad couldn't keep her but he places her with his ILs, paid them good keep for her, saw her multiple times a week, was fully involved in her life, just couldn't house her.

Multiple times, as she grew older my cousin rejected her dad and found her mum to be showered with gifts and then rejected again.

Now in her 5Os my cousin still works very hard at loving her mum and ignoring her still there for her dad.

I always wonder why... another aunt said it was because her dad and mum's family tried very hard not to hurt her with the bald truth about her mum walking away for a string of men. They always made up excuses. Cousin has never really been told the truth and seems to blame the parent who stayed for the absence of her mum.

My aunt, her mum, is a very volatile, selfish and angry woman (alcoholic to boot). Her dad is a quiet man who has always told her he loves her, kept his door open for her and supported her financially whenever she has asked.

So, whilst not having experienced it, I can see how much early abandonment can skew your whole life.

and hugs
my mum and dad left me to grow with my Aunt until I was 11. (Dont F*ing know why)
I am in my early 40s and everyday when I drop my child at primary school I silently cry that I never had a mum to turn back and wave and blow a kiss.
I am not saying it will pass. we have to take it to our grave.
on the other hand you had your wonderful dad who you grew up with so bring back those happy memories when that little girl cries.

I am not sure anyone ever really gets over abandonment by a parent. In my case my mother always had one foot out of the door. She married very young after getting pregnant with my brother, shot gun wedding, then pregnant again with me within months of giving birth. She was never happy and constantly cheated on my dad with various men in front of us. Not a great mother, self absorbed, vain and self pitying.

Weird thing is she planned her third child, my sister, yet fobbed her off to me to look after as soon as she could. Finally abandoned the family for one of her adulteries when my sister was a young teenager. Split the whole family up from which it has never recovered. My sister has had major issues since then and cut herself off about ten years ago. It would be safe to say she actively dislikes our mother and has given up on her. I also think she saw me as her pseudo parent at the same time as furiously and unnecessarily competing with me. Haven't really got my head around it. I am completely no contact with my mother now. After seeking validation for years, I finally gave up. It's not possible to have any sort of meaningful relationship with her because she's an 'empty vessel'. Golden child brother lives practically next door to her but is an avoidant emotionally so he has also been damaged by her.

My partner's mother left him with his dad when he was three for another man, now lives abroad. I have noticed that he almost worships the idea of her but doesn't feel the loyalty and deep love he does for his dad who brought him and his sister up on his own.

my ex's mother walked out on the family home when he was 18 months. leaving 3 DC age 18months, 4 and 6. DF got a new girlfriend pretty much immediately and she moved in, bringing up the 4 children and paying half the mortgage. she is the most wonderful woman and my ex is nothing but hateful towards her. His dad is also an amazing man and gets told he is embarassing and treated with contempt. The mother had very little contact and paid nothing until my ex was 25 when she flounced back in, with her new husband. They had a very affluent life in france and several properties in the uk (one in his home town, 5 minutes from the family home she walked out on). She said his dad had been having an affair with the stepmum so she left. completely blamed the dad. to me this is no excuse to leave your 3 children and see them for a few hours once every 3/4 years throughout their lives. She then allowed us to live in the house in our home town, free, just paying our own bills. He idolised her and thought she was amazing. his attitude towards his mother, father and stepmother is what eventually broke up us as i felt so uneasy taking anything from this woman and couldnt stand her being treated like royalty while he treated his DF & SM like shit. as far as im aware still does and he definitely still lives in her house rent free with his gf and child.

ex recently had his first child and, upon congratulating his stepmum (of 36 years) when i saw her, she told me she wasnt even sure if he would bring the child to see her and his dad.

I think mental health issues may play a parf that you think your children are better without you

I think as a child you see it simply about yourself but relationships, income, housing and social problems are more complicated than that.

3 out of the 4 ladies (not sure about the other one) I have met who did this were fleeing domestic violence. One of the ladies now had a really good relationship with the children and grandchildren.

So sorry to hear about it. Must’ve been traumatising

My mother abandoned me and my dad when I was four years old for another man. I was ferried between family friends as my father had to work. Eventually my father remarried but she was the stepmother from hell, physically and emotionally abusive to me. When I was ten years old I got home from school to an empty house, she too had left, but I was glad! Because of my fathers work, I was placed in foster care, rather informally, as it was with a neighbour. She was ok ish but strict. When I was 14 I went back to my fathers house to live and from there brought myself up. I didn't miss having a mother but looking back, even though he tried his best, my father didn't know too much about bringing up a daughter. I didn't have a clue about periods!! My mother made contact when I was 15 and of course I really wanted to see her. When we met all she spoke about was how hard it had been for her all those years, it was all me, me, me from her. I met with her a few more times but I really couldn't like her. I even had to keep the story that she told her young son by the other man, that I was just a little girl that she had baby sat for! I am in my 60's now and NC with her having never formed a relationship with her. Of course there is so much more to tell but this is just the potted version.

My nana adopted me when I was a baby because my dad was violent towards my mum and she essentially chose him over me. My nana would repeatedly tell me she wishes she never adopted me and was cruel. Never had that ‘normal’ family environment. Cut to 33 years of age and I have crippling abandonment issues, depression and severe anxiety. Yay for me. But I think life shapes who u are and not everyone is meant to have it easy. And if my experiences can make me a better parent then I can at least be thankful for that.

restingbitchface30 hugs

That's an interesting post @Kn0ckOnTheDoor, I was told by my therapist that mothers who abandon their children can become very powerful fantasy figures for their children. I see it in my partner who 'adores' his mother yet she left him and his sister behind whilst she went to live with another man and brought up this other man's children, which you would think would be deeply wounding. However on some level he is affected by it as he can't buy her lovey dovey mother's day cards. Finds it very difficult to express that level of affection but no problem with his dad.

Happened to my fiance too. There is the odd sign but hes quite a deep thinker and seems to have decided that anyone who can do that or be around it and tolerate it has a problem and he doesn't want to know them.

I was a tween. She'd checked out emotionally years earlier and was a neglectful parent already. No contact since. I still feel sick when I think about it, but it's less so as the years go by. Her life since has been awful. Some her fault, some not. She's definitely paid for her sins.

It's hard to trust people. To let them get really close. I've struggled with self-confidence. On the flip side, I am VERY career driven to make sure I always have food/shelter/security because I never want to go back to that life.

If it comes up, 99% of people immediately suggest that I should forgive and forget before it's too late. I HATE that. It's like telling me my pain is not enough of a reason. So I try not to mention it.

for everyone.

Happened to my aunt. She was a child. Her mum left her as a 3 yo. She is in her 60s. She is a doting mother to her 3 sons. But I don’t think she ever recovered from her pain.

One of my cousins went and found her mother recently. The village knew who she was talking about and pointed to the door. The old lady shut the door in my cousins face apparently and denied any connection.

Sad

Happened to my mum. She was left as a five year old and her sister was only a year. It did change her for ever - and she never really reconciled herself to it although I subsequently pieced a bit more of the story together after she died and it was inevitably more complicated than she had been told at the time. It has always felt like the most extraordinary thing - and I felt it all the more when I had my children. I have no help to offer but maybe it helps a bit to know that you are not alone. 💐

@BorneoBabe, forgive and forget, you only have one mother, blah blah blah, is usually the stock 'advice' of people who haven't experienced what you have and can't empathise with you. Sometimes you have to walk away to protect yourself. No regrets.

I don’t really feel comfortable discussing it, on an anonymous forum.

Perhaps that is an indication of how I feel about it

My mum left my dad 5 years ago. She left I note saying she’d take my brother and my dad could have me (🙄) Never seen her since other than to get the odd insulting message telling me I’m the worst mistake of her life and she’s wishes I was dead.

I’d like to say it hasn’t affected me at all but I struggle to trust people and have very little self confidence. Having a serious relationship has been hard because I struggle to trust people and think they’ll just walk out. I also worry about having kids one day in case I’m a terrible mother

It’s a difficult subject because people just expect you to get over it or move on but it’s hard. I don’t regret not having her In my life but when I look at the relationship my friends have with their mothers and miss what could have been if that makes sense

Can anyone who has experienced this tell me what they feel would of helped as a child going through this . I have a 8 year old that I have had a pgo for since he was 4 . All contact with the mother who walked away has now been revoked as was so sporadic , I want him to grow into being a happy healthy adult .

The blogger parttimeworkingmummy talks very openly, and emotionally about this.

Perhaps a comfort to know you aren't alone x

I was 5. I'm in contact with her now because I have younger siblings and I try hard but there's just some feelings I can't get past. If they didn't exist there'd be no relationship.

I don't love her. I don't think I'll cry when she dies. I know that sounds awful (to think of her dying) but it's actually something I've thought about on occasion.

She abandoned my older siblings too and they got over it. They resent my dad and I don't know why. He's absolutely amazing and I couldn't have asked for better than him and SM.

It's been 20 years and I get angrier as I get older. I also have some serious abandonment issues I think. I've never sought counselling for them but maybe I should.

The one good thing that came of it, though, was that it showed me the kind of mother I wanted to be. I'm trying really hard to be that complete opposite of what she was and did and hope my LO never hates me.

Hi op I send you alot of love. And I send love to the other abandoned people on here.

My father and his mother, my grandmother abandoned me. He wasn't around at all when I was growing up. I wrote to him many times and he would not reply.

I went to visit him (in another country), I turned up at his house. When I went home he sent me a letter saying that he did not want a relationship, that the bond was gone. My grandmother also refused to see me.

It affected me to every core of my being. I cried for years . I didn't get into a relationship or have children because I don't believe in 'family', and I am not convinced that anyone can truly love me.

I have been bitter and angry for years. I do not have close friends because I do not let people get close to me. For years I travelled around the world totally by myself, teaching English. I don't trust people and I am working on that . I spend too much time totally alone.

I also have zero self worth. As we all think , I am sure, I think "if my fathe didn't want me - how could anyone want me". And "if my father didn"t love me , how could anyone love me".

I also self sabatage. Taking low paying jobs. Not taking care of myself. Not seeing any worth in myself.

I am really working on this lately, as I have spent too much of my life consumed by total bitterness and anger and avoiding people.

I think that my dad had mental health issues, he was a human being, he wasn't perfect. And that my granny ran away from the painful situation. I have to forgive them. For me.

I know the terrible pain it causes, but please remember that your worth is not defined by your parents. Your worth is defined by you.! By you!

We can do it guys! We are strong enough to have happy lives without a supportive family. I send you so all much love. Keep going

Is it wrong to say I sometimes wish she had died rather than walked out, as I’m sure the grief would be easier to cope with? I’m very low contact. Asked her why she did it and her response was ‘I deserve to be happy’. I’m not convinced she is, but maybe that’s me being bitter. I compartmentalise which isn’t healthy but oh well....