Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

GoHackYourself yes!! My dad had a kind of breakdown a few years after the break-up. It all got too much for him and he’d never have gone to the dr - doesn’t believe in submitting to mental health problems.

He’s not an easy man by any stretch, I wouldn’t say he’s a narcissist but he’s a passive aggressive, dismissive type of person, albeit with a soft side. And the comments about women...still coming. We had nobody to dilute this influence, and he had nobody to share the clusterfuck that parenting can be at times. It was not easy at all, and probably made harder by being a girl - I just dealt with everything myself, periods, school worries, falling out with friends, etc. If I ever showed vulnerability I was ‘too sensitive’ but when I think about what I carried, I was fucking rock hard!

@GiveHerHellFromUs

I think the dream is highlighting the fact that your feelings are very important and that you should be investing in therapy, by showing your own attitudes in the form of the person who sends you away, and the real life feeling of frustration you were left with after the dream.

Therapy is really important for adult children who's feelings were dismissed by either or both parents growing up. They need to re-parent themselves and therapy how you start to do that.

@nib-
This is deffo my situation.
My Nan and aunts helped but just enough to get dad back on his feet.so all the “ girl” stuff I dealt with on own .I agree 100% about nobody to dilute his clusterfuck, so we just listened to this incessant monologue through youth.It was only as I reached late teens and went to peoples houses that I realised I didn’t live in the same kind of world of parent/child behaviours.Parents didn’t fly into rages and lash out at small things.
This has hurt me more as I’m older than my mother leaving.I do believe I carry PTSD from childhood an only realised about 2 years ago.It explained why I can be prone to depression or a cranky month if stressed etc

@itchytits123 thank you - you're probably right.

I did think that the fact I dreamt about it in the first place was maybe a sure sign that I should invest in the therapy s

@Saranvenya
Your post resonated with me in many ways but my father didn’t remarry.
I’d be really interested in your training in abandonment, to read in more depth on this subject.

@GiveHerHellFromUs, what @itchytits123 said. Perhaps invest in a couple of sessions with the one you liked on the website. They often do a sliding scale of fees and if you are thinking about long term therapy they may negotiate that with you.

I have seen four different therapists over the years, two retired, one was very short term for a bout of anxiety and my current one. I see it as a dip in and out service when I need it. Been through a two year court case with my ex husband recently which took me back to therapy. I would say that therapy has reparented me and provides the save haven that not having a functional family doesn't provide. It has been life changing for me which is why I always bang on about it on here. I really hope you are able to access it. Good luck and hugs to you.

Thank you for all the responses and support. I haven't spoken about my fear before but thread encouraged me to speak to my DH last night, he was very understanding and supportive.

Having read through all these post I've realised how easily I let people go from my life, I don't grieve I don't fight to keep them, this goes for family and friends. Once people leave I just move on and as a consequence I have very few friends. It can be lonely at times but then I don't worry about not being a good enough friend.

Thanks again for all your insight and support. Onwards and upwards 💐

MrsWhy all the best for the coming months and years! As I said below, I had a wobble and it was hard (partially because bringing up dc is not easy always in any case!) but being a mother is for me one of the most healing things I’ve ever done. It’s not me, it’s her. Yes I am angry (be prepared to feel less residual sympathy for your mother as the years go on) but I’m also proud and in a perverse way, I feel vindicated.

Apologies for my post, wrong thread. Have asked for it to be removed.

differentnameforthis - don't worry about it!

Me. I've only read the OP so far.

It's hard when it's a mum walking out. You never quite get over it as they are the ones that should care more and usually the one you form that primary attachment to. When you don't form that in the first 3 years, it actually causes parts of the brain to not develop properly which leaves you with difficulties throughout your life, around relationships and forming attachments. I know I struggle hugely with it.

As I get older, it hurts less. I can't say I wouldn't twat her around the head though if I ever saw her. I see her as hugely selfish and in some ways she ruined my life and made me very different. She was also abusive though, some of which I remember. No forgiveness here.

Hi ladies,

I just thought I'd pop by as this has been on my mind a lot since the initial thread.

I'm still contemplating the counselling.

I spoke to my lovely dad today about how I feel. I had lots of questions that he answered honestly and openly and somehow completely impartially. After all this time and all the pain he went through himself he still won't say a bad word about her. He even still wonders whether it was his fault. He's a wonderful man.

The answers he gave clarified what I believed to be true about what happened at the time.

Sadly he also made me realise she's even worse than I thought in some ways which is sad.

Interestingly, my sister worships the ground she walks on but has a lot of issues which she's been seeing a psychiatrist for (her issues are much worse than mine - self harm, suicide attempts). Apparently the psychiatrist practically pinned a lot of the blame on my mother in too. It made me feel like I'm not overreacting at least.