Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

I'd say, let bad things be bad and don't say any versions of 'it's actually ok because.....we will go out later, it's ok because you've got me, it's ok because we can just change the subject.' Just let them let the pain out and give comfort when it comes out. Let it be discussed easily, let the fallout be discussed and let triggers be discussed. Then it won't be hidden and cause loneliness and disconnection. It's hard to watch people suffer but if you can't lift it, and this wound is a wound whether people like it or not, just be there while they suffer to dry their eyes and hold them. In this way they grieve the loss and get comfort for it. I reckon that's the best thing.

My aunt did this to my cousin who is like a brother to me. She raised him until 2, then dumped him at my DGM's when she met her now husband who told her to choose between him and her son. She chose him and had 3 children with him, 1 with someone else and raised his nephew whose mum had died (very noble and she calls him her son) but doesn't care one jot about my cousin. My mum and nan practically raised him and he is my brother really. He loves her and his siblings but she is so cold to him. I remember one Christmas, her dropping by on her way home (had gone to a different town for Christmas shopping) she passed by to see us and had a ton of shopping and gifts for her children but absolutely nothing for my cousin who she wouldn't see on Christmas day. It hurt me so much watching her constantly reject him and disappoint him but even in his 20s he still has so much faith in her. I cant imagine leaving any of my DCs for a man. Leaving them at nursery or with the nanny is hard enough.

The only man I met whose mother abandoned him at a young age went on to be jailed for terrorist activities. Which of course may not be related at all but made me wonder.

He had no interest in meeting or hearing from her as an adult.

@StrawberryJam200 you could say that the psychological function of a mother is to define our self worth.

But then what about all the children that are told they are bad? Should they believe that they are bad for the rest of their lives?

Mothers are just adult females, some are able to be loving, some are not.

We give mothers way too much power, in defining who we are. Take your power back. Define yourself.

I hope my previous post wasn't offensive to anyone who has experienced this, it wasn't intended to be at all but now I feel like it was rather insensitive.

My mum left my dad - and us with him (apart from my younger sister who she took with her)- when I was 9. I was the eldest child and as she was leaving she said you can deal with him now. Their relationship wasn't great for a long time.

I'm 30 now and can hand on heart say that my Mum leaving was the best thing for our family. Before she left, I had been to 5 different primary schools and had lived in 7 different houses. When she left, my dad bought a house which he still has to this day and I went to the same secondary school throughout my teenage years. My dad is my best friend, always does his best by us and has always ensured we have felt loved and safe.

My Mum tried to keep up contact sporadically but often, she would ask for us to visit at her house then as soon as we arrived, she would leave me with my 3 siblings and go out for the night and not return until the next morning.

I don't believe my Mum was meant to be a mother. My sister who lived with her had a very hard, emotionally cold upbringing where money was thrown at her. She no longer talks to our Mum and hasn't for years.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I think a lot of successful therapy is about finding the right therapist / counsellor. And it's a very good question.

OP PMed you.

My mum left me and my brother when I was 18 months. I did she her fairly regularly until she moved away with her new husband then not so much. My dad remarried ( still is) and had two more sons. As I grew up I adored my mother and resented my dad step mum and brothers.

I left home when I was 17 and barely spoke to my folks for years, but travelling hours by coach to see my mum.

It wasn't until I met my DH the he opened my eyes and showed my I had it backwards

Whoops posted too soon...

My main fear is I am now pregnant and I'm scared history will repeat it's self. My DH and child deserve better than that

My mother walked out of the family home when I was 7 and didn't get in contact for 2 years. Then we saw her once a month (if that) and she died when I was 14.

I've read up on maternal desertion and it definitely carved my life out for me. I never had children of my own (wasn't interested but I'm sure that was an impact from the way I felt about the whole thing)

I do now have two very brilliant step children and our relationship is on the whole, amazing.

It's definitely a mental health step further than a father walking out. My dad had a car crash of a life and did his best but it was a very eclectic upbringing for me and my sibling.

When my mum died I tore myself apart. Now I'm much older I'm very hardcore about my inability to worship the memory about a woman who did the one thing that women aren't expected to do. I feel nothing but indifference for her. Judge away for my sentiment but I fail to be able to process it with any emotion

My mil did this when dh was 7. He had recently witnessed his father bang his mother's head on a concrete slab. Saying this is what I do when your mother tries to leave.
Dh was raised by his dad. Quite unusual for the 60's/70's.

A family member did this when her baby was 6 months old. She felt nothing for the baby, no love or bond. Just upped and left, no feeling at all.
Disappeared for 10 years then came back and had another child with the same father. The sisters are close though 10 years apart. He left her in the end.

Sorry, missed my point. Family member very serious mh issues and psychosis, still poorly now.
The fuckin hospital just said they couldn't help it was PND, see HV.

I was 4. Thankfully my dad is literally the most wonderful man and my step mum has always treated us like that own (I call her mum). However I have always had severe anxiety and as I've got older more and more abandonment issues. I struggle to make relationships because I feel like people will just leave me sooner or later and my boundaries aren't great as I try and convince people to like me at all costs.

The biggest thing for me was becoming a mum myself. I understand rationally that she left us because she had some very big mental health problems but somehow, despite now having quite a good relationship with her, I just can't comprehend how she could leave her babies. It's actually been playing on my mind a lot recently as DD is nearly the same age I was when she left and I've got another due soon. I have my own mental health problems but even when I'm having an absolute breakdown I just can't imagine leaving my girl.

I've found that I can't really forgive her but somehow am desperate for her approval even as a nearly 30 year old proper grown up.

But why does your mother define your worth?

Yeah well she shouldn't, should she @angell84. This is the point. What she did shouldn't still affect me now but of course it does.
If you feel worthless when you're 5 years old it doesn't really set a great precedent for the rest of your life. There are many posters here with similar stories to mine and we are all struggling years later.
I understand your sentiment but your 'motivational posts' aren't really very beneficial. You're basically asking us to not let them bother us. It's not that easy. If it was I wouldn't be asking people for help with working out what find of therapy may help.

@MrsWhy you know everything you don't want to be as a mother. That's what really helped me. You'll make it work.

I hope you had the chance to rebuild a relationship with your dad x

@MrsWhy
Just remember the only thing your mother taught you was how NOT to be a mum.
Be sure of yourself, you’re not your mother, I hug my lot every day despite their horror 🤣 you’ll be a good mum do not doubt yourself.

Perhaps your mum was mentally ill and couldn’t cope and it wasn’t her fault. Just like a broken leg, a broken mind is not easy to mend. Just coz you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.

Perhaps she thought your dad could find a better wife than her if she left and that that woman would give you all the love and support you children needed that she felt she was rubbish at, and she honestly believed that you were better off without her.

Perhaps your mum was being hurt or abused at night by your dad and you didn’t know and she couldn’t take it any more.

There could have been genuine reasons why she left. Given a choice I don’t think a mum would leave her children if there was any other way.

Her leaving was the catalyst for your dad not giving you a better life. Did you ever blame him or were you too busy saying “he’s doing his best under difficult circumstances”. Perhaps he’s the one who should have treated you better.
Perhaps it’s all his fault not hers and you’re blaming the wrong person. Perhaps he should have done more. Perhaps he should have treated her better and she’d have never left.

All very sad. Of course you want your mum. I’m sorry you had to do without her and your dad wasn’t able to give you a brilliant childhood. That sucks.

I agree @StrawberryJam2000
It is your first relationship with another person, that is usually your mother, that is fundamental the development of your sense of self. When mother leaves, the child believes that someone must be to blame, because they feel bad. It is too conflicting to them to view the person who cared for them and gave them life, who they felt themselves to be a part of as an infant, as a bad person, because without that person they do not exist. So, looking for someone to blame, they blame themselves.There is the root of the self doubt, inadequacy and lack of confidence and that follows in all future relationships and life choices. I believe that by telling ourselves we are not defined by our mother 's abandonment , we are not allowing ourselves to acknowledge and feel the pain that we may have suppressed as children.

@myidentitycrisis I think you're pretty much spot on. For me at least. And despite years of therapy it's really fucking hard to overcome those feelings as they're so ingrained.

Sorry, I meant @myidentitymycrisis

Not me but my dad

His mum left him and his 2 brothers and sister with their violent father while she just left with the youngest. She then went on to have another family

My dad & his siblings grew up being starved and beaten & poor. Eventually social services got involved and took all 4 of the kids and they spent the rest of their childhoods in care

Ive never wrote that sentance down before and now my heart is hurting for my dad as a child. My dad suffers from depression and OCD,

Relationship wise - family my dad is very very family orientated. I have never known a man so for his children and family. My mum moved us away from my dad without telling him the address and she hadnt ever put him on our birth certificates, 2 years of fighting in court and he got access to see us every weekend

He helped my auntie with her 5 children, he bought them the things they needed and bought them their fun things too. Everytime we saw him we went and did somthing fun with our family.

Woman wise my dad has only ever had 2 relationships. My mum and a woman when i was younger. But he has never come across or said that he would like a relationship again, i suspect that it has somthing to do with his mum and my own mum. Woman can be spiteful creatures

You can tell it hurts him, he doesnt and i cant either, ubderdtand how she could leave but then go and have another family?

She contacted them when they were all adults and it turned out she just wanted some money, i know my dad was very hurt

My dad doesnt talk about her often but when he does you can tell it hurts, how could it not? I am hurt for him,

How awful op. I'm so sorry.

@GiveHerHellFromUs yes I now have a good relationship with my dad and step mum

@LunaLovesgood
me too re therapy, counselling, anti-depressants etc. All that insight and
I am still a recluse and woefully inadequate at forming and maintaining intimate relationships.