Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

forgot to add being a huge underachiever.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I didn't write a "motivational post" from some one who has not been through the same thing.

I had the same parents as other people on here. My dad abandoned me - I went to track him down in another country , and he told me that he didn't want to know me.

I had a very abusive mother who regretted having children. Told me I was fat, ugly, stupid, awful and used me as a servant.

When I defined myself by what they told me I was , I was incredibly unhappy.

When I defined myself by what I told me I was, not by what they told me I was, I am now really happy. Do not give them that mental power over you:

It IS possible. You have to train your mind to see that what you think of yourself, is much more important than what anyone else thinks of you.

Good luck.

Not my own experience, but as part of my job I have worked with children whose mothers have chosen to leave them, most often to move away to maintain a relationship with a partner.

Every one of them has been heartbroken and struggled to understand why their mum would do that. I speak honestly and openly to the mums afterwards, and not one of them has reconsidered their decision.

There have been times I’ve sat in my car and cried after speaking with children, such is the pain and confusion they’re in.

I struggle to understand, to be honest. I could never do that to a child of mine. Never.

I began to change my thoughts by thinking:

"How could I be bad because my mother told me I was bad". How does some one telling me I am bad - make me bad.

Wasn't it more about her own pain, and wanting to feel better.

I began to challenge my thoughts on the issue. I hope that this helps some one

And I also thought, "how could I be bad because my dad abandoned me" "Why am I putting his opinion of me, above my own".

It made me feel so much better mentally. That it does not matter at all what my parents thought of me. It matters what I think of me

@myidentitymycrisis Me too. Can’t write about it on here. It’s too much.

Hugs to all xx

I will just say I’m a really good mum, I had an internal wobble around the time my first was the age I was when my mother buggered off. However I got through it and I’m a good mum, you can do it even if you didn’t grow up with a good example to follow xx

@Elieza
Please do not go down the MN default of the poor woman/bad man road.
Some women are not meant to be mothers, some are selfish, abusive, evil.
The pp here have had awful experiences with their mothers and here’s you shifting the blame to the men who brought them up. It’s hard enough to accept a neglectful mother without you justifying it 😡

@nibdedibble
to you
And all pp who were abandoned by their mothers

Yes. Mine is just selfish, thoughtless and frankly crap. It’s why it’s hard to see my situation anywhere. There is help for dv, abuse, mental issues, narcissism...what if your mum was just a crappy person? I don’t know where to begin finding help with that.

@myidentitymycrisis For you too, it’s so hard

@angell84

I don’t want to negate your experience, but this thread was really started in relation to people who were physically abandoned by their mothers.
In my experience it’s rare to find a space to explore with others how this relatively rare experience affect us and how we manage it.

I’m sorry your father left your family and that you had a difficult relationship with your mother, and glad that you have found some strategies to help you overcome that.

My ex’s mum left him. She literally picked his younger brother up from school and walked past him. The teachers had to ring around and find someone to take him.
He’s not seen our children for about ten years now. He had another child a similar age from another relationship but didn’t abandon him.

My cousins. My aunt was married to a much older man who was exceptionally strict and cruel.It wasn’t talked about in the family apart from how awful she was to leave her children. My brothers and I have since pieced things together, from what they remember and what my cousins told them and came to realise she had been given an ultimatum-if she wanted to leave it was without the children. (This was in the 60s)She left and never contacted anyone again. Someone saw her sleeping rough, she must have been in her late 50s. My mother was highly critical of her, her mother wouldn’t allow her name to be spoken. We, with the benefit of hindsight, think it was an incredibly tragic situation and find it hard to condemn her.

@Cinderfreakingella all I can say is I’m 45 but will always feel like that girl without a mum, always feel like I missed out on some magical/mythical bond somewhere.Always feel not good enough no matter what I do.
It’s like a piece of jigsaw is missing, but I’ve learnt to cover it up so well.But I wil take that feeling to the grave.

I just want to add that my grandad was also abandoned by his mum, she was a awful mum and then just left him. He was a wonderful grandad and he got married to my grandma when they were teenagers, they were perfect parents and grandparents. It was like all the shitty things his mum did he went out his way to do the opposite - he had no food in the house as child, he went to bed hungry and cold but he would walk to the shop that was far away in the rain to buy our cereal we weren’t allowed at home and cook us yummy food and let us watch any films we liked.

@FenellaVelour, it's the lack of remorse in my mother that I find unforgivable. She's on another planet where it comes to guilt or self reflection.

When she left my dad she went to work as normal and disappeared abroad with her soon to be second husband. No note, nothing. The police were called to find out what had happened to her. I was on a gap year before uni and found out by accident six months later.

My sister was so traumatised she eventually ended up adopted by my dad's second wife. My mother didn't bother to turn up at the adoption hearing which broke her heart.

Yet my mother still sees herself as some sort of victim. She has since disguarded husband number two for husband number three after a two year smear campaign. Same thing she did to my dad.

@Gohackyourself
I’m always a bit jealous of women who have great relationships with their mum.
I volunteer with the elderly and one lady I help always hugs me and last week said in my ear “I wish I’d been your mammy” despite thinking I’m tough I had to fight the tears 😢 Family are often those we aren’t related too, think better of yourself 🥰
@yes
Your granpa sounds wonderful.

I’ve had a bit more of a think - how I feel, op, is that I can’t cope with people leaving me out or being inconsiderate. I can detach from people easily. I don’t cope at all with dishonesty. I’m probably quite cold inside (as a pp said) and I mask a LOT. But that said, I love fiercely and I’m ok.
However it will never go away and the older I grow, the angrier I feel about that.

My husband's mother effectively abandoned him. She's an utter selfish bitch. And we have issues which probably stem from her treatment of him.

I remember reading something which resonated with me: a child would always rather a mother who is crying and miserable in the next room to one who is off finding herself in Hawaii. Motherhood is sacrifice. Being there for your children.

I also watched the Michael Hutchence documentary a PP mentioned above - it was appalling to hear how his mother took Michael to live in the US and abandoned his younger brother at the airport. And to make Michael complicit in that too. Painful.

Big hugs to everyone on this thread, it's therapeutic but hard to read.

I should add that I always have done and always will wake up with a sickly feeling on Mother's Day. The threads go round on social media about those who can't be with their mothers and I just don't know how I feel about it. It's like a distant cold disconnected feeling I have. Everyone else is celebrating this amazing day for selfless amazing women who influence them in all the best ways and I'm all "meh".

@BlackSwan, with the benefit of hindsight and suffering the damage my mother inflicted on all three of us, I feel a bit resentful that she was allowed to keep us. She was there but not there because of her self absorption. We grew up in world war three of poverty and chaos. My mother was obviously neglectful and abusively promiscuous. My dad was controlling, angry and addicted to porn. I wish that we had been put up for adoption. We might have found good homes. Some people are just not meant to be parents.

I am in two minds. Shall I post this thread to my mum.

@Dollyparton3
I’ve a non existent mother and my DP lost his neglectful mother to alcoholism in his teens, on Mother’s day we go out for dinner and celebrate that we turned out ok and survived the mothers we had. 😀 give it your own twist 😄

@myidentitymycrisis I don't think that is fair at all. This is a thread for people who have been abandoned by a parent.

Are you sayinng that a mother is more important than a father? No she is not. Being abandoned by a mother or father - it is the exact same feeling. And it causes the exact same problems.

I am not really sure why you are having a go at me. I have been very supportive to the people on here.