Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

A friend experienced this but then it transpired her father had probably murdered her mother and she hadn’t abandoned them at all.

No @Delurkernomore I get it. I've never had a proper explanation. She chose a man. She's always chosen men. It would be easier if she'd died for me too. Then I wouldn't have to wonder why I wasn't enough.

My mother walked out on me and my brother, we were 7 and 5 yrs old.
Came downstairs to find my dad sobbing and that was that.she had been having an affair.
This was 1982.I recall going back to school and the adults having a hushed conversation.i grew up overnight, huge responsibility.
I always felt the odd one out at school, “that’s the girl with no mum”.Nan and aunts bought us up alongside my dad.i felt we were shoved from pillar to post whilst my dad worked.He was an ok dad but very bitter/strict and could fly off handle easily so childhood spent treading on eggshells.
He remarried( still married) but she was young , cocky and didn’t really like us.
I left home at 18 , bought my house with my then partner.All was well till I had my first son at 26 but within 2 months post natal depression ripped me apart for the next 4 years- I didn’t know how to be a mum, resentments came to the surface that I had buried.i got through in end.
Been cheated on twice by both husbands but have 2 beautiful kids.
I don’t like surprises, I can easily feel abandoned .im quite a tough cookie though and I go out of way to be extra good mum to my kids !

I think mental health issues may play a parf that you think your children are better without you

Presumably your mother never left you?

Mine abandoned me because she was selfish. Not because she thought she wasn't doing a good enough job. She chose to have children then decided she wanted to live her life.

I do think a lot of women who abandon their children have mental health issues
Who knows how they were brought up them selves

My mother walked out on us when I was 12, my sister 17 and brother 5 because she couldn’t feel with my bullying father but was happy to leave us to it. We have all different issues. I function well but deep inside think I am emotionally cold, my brother was an alcoholic but has settled down with lovely lady and has a baby, but he shows sign of the ocd and my sister has huge anger issues and pure O. It always comes out one way or another. Flowers for you x

So sorry for you all, heartbreaking stories here. I can relate to some of it.

There was a documentary about Michael Hutchence on BBC over Christmas, his mum took him to America and abandoned Michael’s 12 year old brother in Australia with ‘nannies’. The 12 year old only found out they were leaving him when they took him along to the airport and left him there. It’s one of the cruellest things I’ve ever seen. Needless to say it affected both the brothers for the rest of their lives.

I was abandoned in my early teens, my mother married again, had kids and moved hundreds of miles away with her new family.
I was sent away to school, I never lived with them again.
I have never got over the acute distress I felt at being abandoned and unwanted. I still struggle today and this was many years ago.

Can anyone who has experienced this tell me what they feel would of helped as a child going through this .

Therapy. The younger the better. Give them a sense of security, in themselves and their surroundings would have helped.

Is it wrong to say I sometimes wish she had died rather than walked out, as I’m sure the grief would be easier to cope with?

I wish this all the time. Still. 20 years on. Agree 100%.

This thread has actually made me realise how badly this still affects me.
Has anyone had therapy?
How did you go about it? What kind of therapy would you recommend? Is that a stupid question?

My mum left me, I was 7 and she had been cheating on my dad for years and finally decided part of this man (he was still married) was better than being with dad and her two daughters.
I find it very hard to trust people and my husband has to accept that I'm not the most loving person. I found it hard when I became a mum as I thought maybe I wouldn't know how to show them my love, but luckily I love hugging and kidding them and telling them they are loved. I have no self confidence and this is becoming more of an issue at work as I get more responsibility

No @GiveHerHellFromUsnit is not a stupid question. I can’t advise and sure someone will be along soon who can but therapy is amazing. Sometimes you don’t know how or what you feel til you say it out loud to a neutral party x x

@Ejmorgan you are already doing great job being his mum. He has a reliable adult who cares for him and loves him. Being a steady rock so he knows that people can be depended on is the most important thing you can, and are, doing

Thank you @borneobabe the last few months it feels like he has really settled and the bond between us has grown really close . I want him to never feel like he is not loved or wanted as we all do adore him. Weve shown him that family is made up in all sorts of ways including the honorary grandad we inherited 10 years ago

It was only very recently that I realised just how everyone in my life ‘leaves’ me and how it has affected me.
Some of these aren’t proper abandonment but have all contributed to my sense of loss and lack of self worth.

Despite lots of help and attempts to help her become a better parent our biological mother couldn’t parent us and so we were taken into care. So she didn’t technically abandon us (apart from leaving us alone a lot) but to a 5 year old it feels like abandonment!
Then again after 18months in foster care was adopted so again lost our ‘parents’
Then when I was 12 my adoptive mother had an affair for and for a year she would come home maybe once a week for a couple of hours to have a bath and wax her legs (she probably didn’t want her boyfriend to see her do that sort of stuff!) so it was technically abandonment but it certainly felt like it!!
Then after a year my parents split up properly, my dad got a job in Germany and moved leaving us with her. I’ve probably seen him less than 10 times in 25 years since then.
Then when I was 15 I came home from school one day and was told I was getting shipped off to boarding school that weekend. So again not a proper abandonment but it was definitely an emotional one.
Then when I went to uni I was told I was now an adult and not to come home in holidays. So again not a proper ‘abandonment’ but she was certainly washing her hands of me.
I’ve been NC with her for 8 years this time round.

Recently my FIL split with his girlfriend of 5 years and she moved back to South Africa. I sobbed and sobbed and that was when it hit me that everyone who’s ever been a parent figure to me never sticks around either physically or emotionally (or both)
Apart from MIL - she’s great

@GiveHerHellFromUs,

But why does your mother define your worth?

She is a human being like you are. With her own multitude of issues and problems.

How could she possibly define how much you are worth?

Just wanted to say how very sad to read your stories, ladies, and to send virtual hugs and prayers for your futures. This life can be so very very hard. 🤗

It never gets any better.

The woman who gave birth to me chose men and money over me. My whole life I've never felt good enough.

I haven't seen her in nearly thirty years. I check all the time to see if she's dead yet. I hate how I want to talk to her and ask her why she did all she did.

It's shit.

@Ejmorgan just give that child all the love and support he needs. One thing that helped me was having one person around who was solid. They never let me down no matter what, was tolerant and showed me lots of love. But even she let me down towards the end of her life 🙄! And any questions he may have, answer them. Every single one no matter how hard it may be (at the right age obviously). Always support him and encourage him. Tell him how wonderful he is coz god knows it does a number on your confidence

@angell84
Spot on!
I’m now 15 yrs NC with a violent abusive ‘mother’, while she didn’t abandon me, she checked out from I was 10 after my dad left.
My own DD21 said something very true when I said I was sad they didn’t have a gran, aunts etc, she said “mum not every family has to go back years and years, ours started with you and we’ll go on and on”
I hope some of the pp here who’ve had an awful childhood can agree with her words.
Don’t let bad memories and bad people make you who you are, only look forward and love and do the best for our own children. The only thing my mother taught me, was how NOT to be a mum.

@JKScot4 yes!! That’s my thoughts exactly. I always think, one day I’ll be the head of MY family! I’ve got my partner, my children, they’ll have their children and partners one day, and THAT will be my family.

@JKScot4 it is very true!

I think that we think of parents in a Godlike way, that their view of us is so important, and that they should be totally perfect.

When they are just human beings, with all the millions of problems and failings that human beings have.

My worth was tied up so long in what my father thought of me. Until I finally realised - how could he define who I am. He was mentally ill - he was barely able to focus. How does his focus on me - define who I am?

It doesn't.

The same goes for you guys on here who have been abandoned by your mothers. The various stories - alcoholic mothers, mother who left you with grandparents, mother who left you for a man.

Those women were having problems, they are a human being. They were not able to function. Selfish yes, but it was about thwir own pain and problems, not about you. Their view of you does not totally define you.

You define who you are. Do not make your mother or father more important to you than you.

Who are you, who do you want to be? If your mother told you - you were bad or worthless - it is not true! She wasn't even seeing you- she was angry at herself.

Create your own life x

@SunshineCake who you are is absolutely nothing to do with what your mother thought of you - nothing!

Who do you think you are?

Our mothers define our self worth because, in a very real sense, that is the actual psychological function of a mother.

@strawberryjam200

So, I also have an abusive mother.

My mother told me that I was useless, fat and stupid. And used me as a servant. I believed it for a long while.

When I got older, I realised, "how could I be that bad?" It is not true! Why did I give her so much power in defining who I was. I define who I am.

Do not give your mothers too much power.

If you are told you are fat, stupid, bad, ugly etc of course it is not true. What it IS, is a hurt woman taking out her pain on some one handy and weaker than her.