Mothers abandoning their children

[Cinderfreakingella]

Hi, my first thread. My mother left my father back in 1962 in London England. Us three children were aged 7 4 and eighteen months old. I was the eldest and I virtually grew up overnight. No explanation was ever given to us and dad never mentioned her ever again. Life was hard. I could write a book about our lives, our childhood etc but what I would like to hear is from others that went through this abandonment and how they feel now, how it has affected their lives, their relationships etc. This year I will be 66 years old but on the inside I am still that little girl whose mum walked out on her. How do you feel?

My parents divorced in my childhood, pretty common mix of indiscretion, blaming, pointscoring. I consider my siblings and I to be more emotionally stunted than other people I know from happy families.

Instead of being the focused, self-sufficient single careerwoman I had expected to remain for life, I married someone from a wonderful close-knit family and left my home and own professional career for his. My career stalled while bringing up our twins.

When they started school I tried to return to work part time. The stress of watching my career stall, living in a foreign country with a language barrier, constant politics of sharing a home with in-laws (they were lovely before we moved back but once you live in close proximity with someone, things can change) and the effort of emotionally supporting a husband who feels like he is the sole breadwinner and becomes increasingly self-centred and self-important all added up. I was diagnosed with depression and withdrew socially and did the minimum to keep the children cared for, without doing much for myself. I lost my sense of self and spent a few years trying out antidepressants.

As I improved and became more like myself, he asked for a divorce without being amenable to counselling, discussion etc as if he had been silently making his mind up and didn’t bother to include me in the plans. He asked that I allowed him to look after the children - his job means he is well qualified to do so on his own. I admit I was not in a state to manage twins on my own either in his country or even after moving back to my country as my family would not have had the ability to help me with childcare.

I wonder if it was my childhood experience with the wrangling and snide remarks behind backs and being treated like pawns, that made me agree without contesting it.

I was by default, the mother who ‘abandoned’ her children even though I would have tried very hard to remedy our marriage issues before considering divorce.

The living situation has been tough - with the ex husband moving around, the kids have not had a stable schooling life even though they go to good schools. I travel about 4 hours to look after them or I have them with me for some weekends - not regular and usually arranged as work / annual leave dictates. The custody was not a huge issue as I acknowledge I am less well-placed to have twins with me full-time. As it is, the mental health issues are still very much at the forefront in my life.

The little time I spend with the children means that I am always trying my best to entertain them, spoil them within reason and keep them as happy as I can. I don’t ever speak about my relationship with their father, I avoid detailed discussions about moving nearer to them etc as I fear these discussions will pull off the bandaids holding my traumatised psyche in one piece.

I don’t know if they consider that they were abandoned by their mother - I believe it is far more common for children to remain with the mother after separation unless there are circumstances eg death / imprisonment / neglect etc, so even though there are many children in school from divorced backgrounds, I know that they’re the only ones who live with their dad. Somehow to me it seems worse to be abandoned by mum than by dad, and I feel so awfully guilty all the time. It is a constant thought as my divorced female friends complain about the hard work of bringing up children and my divorced Male friends talk about exciting weekend plans for when they have the kids over. For me, as a mother, I can’t quite identify with either group.

I’m sorry it was a very long waffle... but until I read this thread, I hadn’t even wondered if my feelings of being ‘abandoned’ by both parents as a child might have made me give in far too easily in the fight for my own children.

For anyone still reading this, I guess the one learning point to take away is: if you use the children as pawns during / after a divorce, there is a chance that they will feel abandoned by BOTH parents. I’m sure that is not what most parents want their kids to feel, but I think young children cannot see the intentions of grown-ups and will believe that the tug-of-war actually means that nobody wants them.

@TrainScheduleExpert
Thank you for sharing your story.

@nibdedibble
I agree re finding a group of people with similar experiences being so hard. I wonder if there is a group for mothers like TrainScheduleExpert or mothers who full on ran off and left (like mine) to share their feelings.

Thanks @JKScot, we should try and turn it into something else. I get cards from my stepchildren on Mother's Day so it's not a complete waste. I like the idea of an alternative celebration

I know it's not the same but it's possible to be abandoned by a parent you still see every day. If they're not there for you emotionally that's a good 70% of parenting down the drain. Technically i had two parents and still do. Emotionally i have no-one.

I too would love to find a therapist or group that truly understands the impact on a persons psychology after this.

I struggle with my relationship with my dad, he's bordering on NPD in my view and the older I get the more I judge him. It breaks my heart to think of the situations he put me in as a child, no nurturing, told to grow up, help round the house, new girlfriends moving in every 6 weeks. I was an adult aged 8 and cooking meals and cleaning the house every week. I used to walk a mile to school and back with my brother unaccompanied both aged under 10 and every school holiday we were left at home all day every day. On our own. By the age of 12 we were left alone overnight.

Oddly now I massively over nurture my own family through hours of housework, cooking, shopping, tidying etc. My feelings always come last and I sit on the sidelines a lot. My FIL's mum left him when he was younger and he's exactly the same. The balance of labour in our house definitely tops in everybody else's favour.

@SunshineCake
Thank you, I will tell her, she has her moments of wonderfulness 😉😃
p.s she’s studying to be a social worker; hopefully wonderful at that too 😉

Some of you ladies might be better off that your mothers left.

I feel that my whole life has been ruined by my mother, who was physically there for me.

She likes to ruin my happiness - to make herself feel better. Anytime that I do well in something, she will destroy it , so she can feel better.

She has called me ugly stupid and worthless from a young age.

She won't let me have my own life, have my own boundaries. She wants to call me every day and rant on about her problems/ tell me that I should be living closer to her/tell me how awful I am.

She had such mental control over me that I can be doing well in my life, and happy, and then one phoncall from her will make me think that I am terrible person who deserves nothing.

I constantly have this mental thought in ny mind " I want to totally cut her off, but I need to stay in touch with her because I need the money from her house when she goes".

I will probably look back at the end of this life and think that I should have totally cut her out.

I really should cut her off but then I think about the money from her house. I know that sounds bad, but she has abused me my whole entire life.

This is such a specific thing.
I agree with PP who mentioned the shame.
Shame was a big part of my feelings as a child. Being 'the child left behind' made you a kind of social pariah by association. Of course you cant identify it at the time, but you are conscious that some people shun you, and some people treat you with pity. Neither of which feels good.

Its feels a bit like when some people don't know what to say if you have suffered a bereavement; they feel awkward and look at you and make you feel uncomfortable.

I just have this awful feeling of being a total servant to someone that I can never really be free from.

She just feeds off my energy- to make herself feel better.
It is like being trapped in a life long abusive marriage. I can't divorce my mother

angell84 I appreciate you’re having a hard time with your mother, she sounds vile, but I’m increasingly uncomfortable here. The thread is specifically asking for the experiences of those of us who have been abandoned by our mothers. Could I politely ask that you have a look on another thread (for example the Stately Homes thread) where you’ll find people who share your experiences? It’s just that as a pp said, we don’t often find an outlet for our highly specific issues and it would be great to be allowed to explore those without the waters being muddied.

My friends ex wife walked out on him&their then toddler several years ago citing it wasn't what she signed up for (child has ASD).She sees her son once a week for supervised contact (she had a relationship afterwards with a convicted sex offender 🤢🤢🤢)but half the time she doesn't turn up and is often late with Birthday/Christmas gifts.

Ironically she was abandoned herself by her own parents as a child and was raised by her maternal grandparents.

But as well as her I can think of at least 5 other women I know who left their kids.In 3 of these cases the kids were abandoned due to new men in their mothers lives.

@nibdedibble

thank you

myidentitymycrisis My brother dealt with that shame by telling people his mother had died. No mother, same result, but far easier for him to handle (as it wasn’t true so he didn’t actually have to suffer it).

I have no experience of this but just wanted to say you all sound like such lovely strong people . Its heart breaking to read

Stately homes is an on going thread for peoe whos parents were abusive/ emotionally unavailable

This thread is about mothers leaving , you shod have a safe space to talk about that and just that

My daughter lives with her dad due to me having bad PND after the birth of my son when she was 5. The guilt I feel some days is crippling I feel one day she will end up on a forum saying some horrible things about me. But I really hope not and I hope she understands why.

Smeghead90 I think the key is to keep communicating. So many of us haven’t had that. My own mother just left, and didn’t do anything to see us regularly or to try to explain. I’m as sure as anything that she just didn’t fancy being tied to my dad and thought it was his turn to bring us up. It’s so different from a mum having an illness where she can’t look after her children.
Big hug to you and I hope things go well.

@Smeghead90
I hope you and your daughter work it out. The worst thing for me was not being able to talk about it, so if you can and do see her, please try to be open so that she can feel safe to as well.I don't know how you two get on now but if you see her regularly then it should not end up the same. One thing that seems to be a theme for the leaving mothers described here is that they left and couldn't go back, perhaps because of their own shame or guilt, I don't know.
I am not saying horrible things about my mother on here, just how it affected me which is the truth.
Maybe this thread, or the fact we have this thread and can speak about it will be helpful for you and your daughter.

@nibdedibble cross post

Thank you for this post. for everyone affected.

I hadn't thought about how maternal abandonment has affected my dh as he was 15 when she moved out and I guess I always thought he was nearly an adult so I hadn't thought about it. A lot of what you have written describes my husband.

Okay - I will go to the Stately homes thread. I send everyone support on here

My mum didn't technically abandon me but she asked my dad to leave after she had been having an affair for many years. I was eleven.

After he left she went out after work every evening to her boyfriends and stayed out all weekend at his place, leaving me alone all week until she got back to go to sleep and get up for work the next day; or returned on Sunday after the weekend.

My older teenage sister was still there but she was out every night too of course, as she had her friends.

I remember feeling incredibly lonely and sad. She was a social worker too which made it even worse. Maybe she was hardened?

She never took us on holidays or attended parents evening. She wasn't interested.

My dad was loving but he was an alcoholic who moved back in with his elderly parents and never recovered.

I didn't have children until I was in my late thirties because I didn't really 'get' kids, as my mum was not any kind of model in the sense of being maternal.

I had no family home life apart from visiting my dad and grandparents at weekends.

I am a single mum now and live very far from my home city. My relationship with my mum is mainly over the phone and it's quite good, but she is a better friend than she was a mother.

At least the loneliness I sometimes feel now, the isolation, is familiar. As much as I was codependent for years because of being abandoned/ neglected, I find relationships suffocating and push people away.

I was 6, she left after having multiple affairs, she moved to the other side of the world and I didn't see her again until I was 11. I saw her once every 3 months for a few hours (she was busy).
I am NC with her now after years of doing a dance very much like the 'pick me dance'. Years I spent trying to make her proud or even care.
She played the mental health card and that was a lie, she'd fucked off for a wonderful carefree life... she has since admitted I was told this to ease her conscience.
My Father remarried when I was 10 to a woman who didn't want or like me, they had a child together, I was not allowed to do family things holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc just in case my Mother did something for mebecause it wouldn't be fair on their child ... Mother didn't do anything for me ever! Father is spineless.
A mother abandoning their child has more of a proven impact than the father so to compare is like comparing chalk/cheese and please don't try to minamise that impact and long lasting effect it has.
It has had a massive impact on my life, I struggled with the fact I didn't ever miss anyone, to create bonds with people and I struggled to bond with my own child.
BUT I understand why I feel like I do now, it spured me to train in abandonment issues etc and now I work within the healing field.
I'm still and always will healing BUT it also helped me to build the family that I want and be a parent who then learnt to loves, care and understand my child, it also helped me to be a (apparently DSS's words) great step Mum.
@MrsWhy please don't worry you have learnt how not to parent.

My mum did it when I was 16. She and my dad has already separated which was a very toxic affair. She then chose her vile, abusive lover over her children. I have long-term MH conditions including EUPD and C-PTSD as a result of these things.

We have a relationship now but I've realised recently it's not a healthy one and am trying to pull back.

I'm 45 now and I do get angry still about it, mainly because I feel my MH problems have prevented me from having the life I 'should' have, for example I'm intelligent, well educated but I work in a low paid, low responsibility job because it's about all I can cope with.

After reading the new posts it bought something up for me.
When my mother walked out( see previous message) my father basically had a mental breakdown an I had to grow up quick.
I think a lot of the “damage” I carry as an abandoned child was compounded by being left with a parent that’s also not in a good place.
Dad recovered, carried on working and tried to be a good parent, but as I get older I realise it turned him slightly narcissistic in how he bought us up too.Very needy, controlling.He also virtually hates women ( even though he remarried etc) he’s always having a go about my step mum etc his views sometimes towards women irritate me.
I think my years from 7yrs old to 18 when I left home to escape damaged me for life, I got abandoned and then left with toxic parent.I have an ok relationship with him, but drives me bonkers as can be very selfish/controlling at times- so I think in mothers abandoning there can be multiple layers to it.

@Dacquoise thanks so much for the insight into how this worked for you.

I had a look at therapists in my area yesterday and couldn't find anyone I liked the look of. The only one I considered was 3x the price of everyone else per session - typically!

I had a dream last night that I went into a place where they did walk in sessions (I know) and it turned out being a group session for £6 a person (I know!). At the end of the session the therapist asked everyone to write an A4 page about themselves then at the next session said to me "I'm not sure why you're here - you seem absolutely fine to me."
I feel like even my brains telling me I should be over it. It's so weird.