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Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 21/01/2020 12:48

** Op either you have separate accounts, in which case the money is irrelevant to him and he should continue paying the mortgage, or you have shared finances, in which case he needs to be open about his salary and you need to be paying proportionally to the bills rather than guessing 60:40 is fair.

He doesn't get to have control of the money when he has more of it and then spend yours when you have it. That's not any kind of partnership.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:49

He doesn't seem to have any concept of being a team
In his mind there is only master or servant
For two people to co-operate and work successfully as a team they need to be able to see each other as equals, he cannot tolerate the idea of you as his equal he has to be the boss and you work for him

Martian11 · 21/01/2020 12:50

Does he have a bet now and again?

If he does it could well be that he has a gambling habit that is getting or has got out of control.

If he is a gambler never ever give him any money.

People that seem irresponsible about money often have a hidden habit.

IntermittentParps · 21/01/2020 12:51

he won’t say what he earns.
Then you cannot hope to have a meaningful conversation about your finances.

He needs to step up and join in an adult discussion, or frankly you should take what's left of your money and leave him to pay the fucking mortgage himself.

Forcryingoutloudwtf · 21/01/2020 12:52

So when he had more money than you he paid the mortgage by himself. Now you have more money than him you want to either split the mortgage or have him continue to pay it?

Thinkingabout1t · 21/01/2020 12:53

OP your whole financial set-up sounds unhealthy, never mind your inheritance. You earn practically nothing but pay 40% of the bills? He's taking the piss.

Your inheritance is a one-off. I would spend it on something big (such as paying off the mortgage), not waste it on everyday running costs like the mortgage repayments. But that's just my view. Your money is yours, just as he obviously sees his money as his.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 21/01/2020 12:53

I think the fact that he's telling you what to do and it's not a joint decision as part of a conversation is very telling.
Do you usually do what he tells you to do?

woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 12:53

It seems that he is trying to get you to pay 50-50 which seems unfair considering you earn a lot less than him. Do you have children or contribute more to other things as you work part-time? Not sure that I believe he doesn't have any savings. He could have thousands stashed away.

It's hard to know what you should do about this because it seems that he knows about your inheritance whereas you don't seem to know about his earnings or savings. I think I would have kept quiet about the inheritance if I was you.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:54

I noticed that his response is to accuse you of being selfish, that's just the way of attacking someone, it's very hurtful to be accused of selfishness, tends to make you feel upset which (usefully for him) distracts you from the real issues which are what is really going on and how can we make this fair
making it fair can be complicated and requires both people to sit down and discuss it, he hasn't got the patience for any of that he just wants what he wants.
I think he's up to something and I would be turning detective...

PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 12:54

He’s not abusive, just mean!

You need to google "financial abuse and control", because this is a textbook sitiation.

Do you know why he's so upset?
It's because he knows he's been abusing and controlling you and he is very aware that you now have the financial means to escape him. He is hurriedly trying to de-cash that money (either by spending it or injecting it irretrievably into the mortgage) in order to prevent this being available as a fuck-off fund.

You say he has no savings.
I'd put money on him having savings you aren't aware of. He likely has cash - just not available for the family. After all, that's your responsibility to fulfil, right? In his mind.

Don't combine the inheritance. You'll bitterly regret it.

tjk10 · 21/01/2020 12:54

You won't leave him and he won't change his ways. You will pay the mortgage off bit by bit until you have run out of money. Sorry but that's your situation and nothing is going to change.

DonPablo · 21/01/2020 12:55

Well, your fist mistake was telling him how much money you inherited, given he won't tell you what he earns.

He sounds horrible and the two of you must have a proper conversation about money. If he can't do that, I'd be out of there.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:55

For crying/ no! I have always paid 40% of the bills,, although I have a very low income.

DH still pays 60% of the other bills, he just deducts the full amount of the mortgage payment.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:56

He wants that inheritance used up asap so he can restore the status quo where he has all the money and all the power

Astrabees · 21/01/2020 12:56

DH and i have had two inheritances recently and some insurance policy maturity money a couple of times over the last few years. DH has recently retired from his main job and got a lump sum. With each of these amounts of money we gave a small amount to our children and then divided the remainder 50/50. WE agreed to pay off the very small amount of mortgage outstanding from DHs retirement lump sum. It would never have occurred to either of us that the money belonged to one or the other of us, all family money is joint. OP I think your partner has a terible attitude towards money and you really need to have a conversation with him about this.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:56

To all those saying I should not have told him - unfortunately it was something which could not be hidden and was in plain sight for every one who knew me. Anyone could go & google what the sale price was.

OP posts:
Amaretto · 21/01/2020 12:57

The first pot of money you should have is pension. Do you have one and is it in as good health as your DH?
Start with that and if he grumbles, ask him if he wouod be happy to pay for the mortgage out of his inheritance.
Does he have savings? If he does, again, build yur one savings at the same level. And ask him he wouod be happy to pay the mortgage out of his savings instead.

Then and only then can you start talking about you outting some money into the mortgage.
However, what I wouod do is invest the money, see how much money you earn from that and add that to your wage as a contribution to the household.
All expenses would be separate pro rata between you. So you only pay 40% of the mortgage etc.. if you earn nearly as much as he does.

Atm it looks like he is trying to living from you and pay as much as possible. Which is crazy if you dint work as much as him due to heath issues!!

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:57

Tell him you put half of it on the horses and now it's all gone
oops🏇🙈

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:58

Uty- yes.

I’ve told him I’m putting “x” amount into premium bonds (or similar) and that leaves “y” left for the monthly mortgage payments. So either he needs to start paying his 60% towards the mortgage again or we will fall into arrears.

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 21/01/2020 12:59

I can't believe he won't even tell you his salary. That is really shocking. This is a really shocking (albeit far from unheardof) set up.

And I do believe financially abusive. He basically has you in a corner financially.

Agree, you really need to seek proper independent advice and protect yourself here OP. You need financial independence from him.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2020 13:00

Why are you with him?

He's horrible.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:01

Amaretto (and others)

NO MY DH DOES NOT HAVE SAVINGS. (Sorry but I’ve said this several times!)

That’s why I’m trying to keep some money as a safety net. And is something about him which really annoys me as I’m sure he could afford to but won’t.

He lives month to month with no thought for the future / emergencies etc.

He doesn’t care if the house falls into disrepair.
I do.

I’ve been forced to live in a shithole and am now paying out to get works done.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 13:01

OP, I would also ask that you google "DARVO".

It's a classic abuser tactic used to shut down conversation/challenge. By calling you selfish and affecting anger (he isn't actually what we would call "angry", just attempting to bring you back under control) he is employing classic DARVO.

BelfastNonBlonde · 21/01/2020 13:01

What are you going to live on when you stop working P/T - or should you have to stop for health reasons?

What is your pension - or will you be even more under his thumb then?

M3lon · 21/01/2020 13:02

This is insane. How on earth can you have amortgage arrangement of any sort that involves people who won't work together to pay it?

Who owns the house?

When you realise you can't answer a question like that, you know you are in real trouble.