Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2020 12:31

he won’t say what he earns

Hang on, you're married to him but this has never been answered? Why is he so cagey?

I know what my boyfriend of a year earns! (And he knows what I earn).

This financial set-up sounds very unfair.

And what is he spending all his spare cash on if he doesn't have any savings? Is he gambling?

CountFosco · 21/01/2020 12:32

What is he doing with the money he should be paying into the mortgage? Is he saving or spending it? At the moment with him behaving like this you might actually be better paying off the whole mortgage because at least then that will reduce your own outgoings every month.

BUT paying off the mortgage is not always the best thing to do. Depending on your incomes, the LTV of the mortgage, the savings you currently have it might be better to max out pension contributions or S&S ISAs rather than pay off the mortgage. So do some reading and work out what's the best for you.

Kit19 · 21/01/2020 12:33

So he’s happy for you to be poor while he spends all his spare cash on himself and you don’t know what he earns.

You have a husband problem OP - this is about far more than your inheritance, it’s about how he sees you as a person, your marriage, your roles and responsibilities within it and your future together

Fanniesyeraunt · 21/01/2020 12:33

I wouldn’t have told him about it in the the first place! (or I would’ve minimised the amount and put a large chunk in a savings account for a leg-it fund).

The sensible thing to do is to pay off the mortgage (presume it will be 50/50 split if you divorce? - unless you can get papers.drawn up to say otherwise depending on how much you are paying out of your inheritance).
I agree the way he has gone about it is wrong - however has he tried to talk to you rationally and you’ve told him point blank “no - it’s mine and I don’t want to?

I miust admit if my DH inherited a load of money and then went wasting it on jewellery/ watches and we still had a large mortgage to pay I’d be pissed off.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:35

Moonlight - he has already said no to a joint account.

I feel I need to keep the money to protect myself and yes it’s given me some freedom.

I was ashamed of the way the house looked as he never had any maintenance done, and there were bits if masonry falling off, rotting wood - stuff like that, so I’ve been arranging for workmen to fix a few things.

OP posts:
PineappleDanish · 21/01/2020 12:35

Not much of a partnership, is it?

BarbaraofSeville · 21/01/2020 12:36

Do you have a pension? That might be a good place for most of the rest of the money if not and will stop him thinking that he no longer has to pay his share of the mortgage.

What you've done so far sounds sensible. Paying off some of the mortgage, having some treats, so unless you have a good pension already, that might be something to think about.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:36

Coubtfisco- he saves nothing! That’s why I feel I need to.

OP posts:
Ishotmrburns · 21/01/2020 12:37

This is all very weird. You either share money or you don't. The set up you two have had prior to this inheritance is that you don't share money. You have separate accounts and split the mortgage and bills based on a percentage you two have agreed upon. So why is this inheritance suddenly under his authority? It makes no sense to me.

If I inherited a lump sum it wouldn't even enter my head that it wasn't shared family money, and I would sit down with my DH to discuss what we thought best to do with it, which probably would be paying off our mortgage. We'd have equal say. But in my marriage we have had a joint account since we got married and all of our money is shared. It always has been.

Sounds like your DH wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would feel very used in your position.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:38

Yes used is the word.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 21/01/2020 12:38

It is really really not ok for him to refuse to tell you how much he earns. Nor is it ok for him to make unilateral financial decisions without even discussing it. It's quite clear from your posts that he resents your working part time, he has little respect for you and he is willing to be nasty and uncooperative in order to force you to do what he wants.

Obviously if you were able to work full time, then you should unless it's been mutually agreed that it's better for the family if you don't. But if you can't, then he should be supportive. You are married and meant to be a team. He is selfish and doesn't want to be a team. You need to put him straight or leave him, not spend the rest of your life furtively trying to protect yourself and hide or claw back bits of money. What a life! Sad

RockinHippy · 21/01/2020 12:40

In which case OP, you don't have a partner but a financially abusive teenager, hiding his income from mummy in case, god forbid he has to pay his way. He's a twat.

Definitely save & hide as much as you can & start looking to get shot of him

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/01/2020 12:41

he saves nothing!

That's what he tells you.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/01/2020 12:42

It comes across that he wants your money gone so he can continue to be financially abusive and in control.

I also doubt his non savings crap. All that money he earns goes somewhere and it isn't on you or your house.

The fact he doesn't want you to know what he earns speaks volumes.

3rdchristmaslucky · 21/01/2020 12:42

Several items of jewelry as something to remember the person by.

A house is a pretty good thing to have as memory of someone.

I honestly don't think he's being unreasonable. Both of your monthly outgoings are reduced by the mortgage being paid.

If I inherited a large sum, I would clear any debt (eh mortgage) to secure a good financial future.

KaptenKrusty · 21/01/2020 12:43

Seems crazy to not pay the mortgage off? I would give anything to be rent / mortgage free!

I half get where he is coming from - he has been paying all of the mortgage for however long and now there is a chance to pay it off - if this was my situation I would pay it off - but then I would be sure that my husband would use his extra cash for us to use!

You need to get some independence from him I think - do you work OP?

you are sure he will not use the extra money he has for the family - if that's the case then I think you have bigger issues here !

I'd work on getting yourself some financial independence - a job, your own money coming in - save the inheritance for now!

If he is wanting things to be 50/50 then pay your half of the mortgage and half of the bills - tell him it is up to him to pay his half.

Thelnebriati · 21/01/2020 12:43

He is financially abusive, you really need to get legal advice asap.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:43

Bernadette- in that I believe him actually. It chimes with his generally short term hand to mouth / irresponsible attitude.

When I’ve asked him about home repairs in the past it’s always been “I don’t have £x this month”.

Well no, few do. That’s the point of saving!

OP posts:
aNonnyMouse1511 · 21/01/2020 12:44

Hmmm. It’s a joint decision IMO. You’re a partnership so decisions should be what you’re both happy to do. My husband wants 100% of our income but if he wanted to go and buy a brand new car, it’s a discussion we would have together and a decision we were both happy with.

If I came into an inheritance then again we would have a discussion. It would be our money, not mine.

GCAcademic · 21/01/2020 12:44

I second the recommendation for a pension, if the sums involved here are appropriate. When DH inherited money, I was happy for him to do this. The deceased, I assumed, had left the money to him, not to him and me. And the interest on our mortgage is so low that it made more sense to invest the money for the future.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 21/01/2020 12:44

Earns nor wants!

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:45

I feel I need the money to protect myself
Yep and that's exactly why he instinctively doesn't like you having the money, he wants you to be vulnerable and under his control
money is power and he wants all that for himself

Hullygully · 21/01/2020 12:45

This is just really horrible.

You are married to someone who won't tell you his salary, spends what he wants, wants you to pay off the mortgage while he carries on keeping all the money and doing as he pleases.

Er.....

What are his good points?

olivehater · 21/01/2020 12:47

He can’t expect you to share your money if he doesnt share his fairly. He is being financially abusive and in the event of a divorce would prob leave you high and dry. Keep that money separate in your account to give yourself some protection.
Do you think he would share his inheritance? I doubt it. What if he inherits after a divorce? . He most certainly wouldn't then and you would have been well and truly shafted.

helberg · 21/01/2020 12:47

This is about more than just this inheritance - it's the inheritance which has highlighted the issue.
You should know what he earns and the bills/mortgage should have been split according to your relative wages.
Or, all money should have been put into a joint pot and each person allocated the same amount of spending money per month. All other spare money then going into savings to be used for whatever the pair of you see fit - eg. replacement appliances, house repairs.
In that case, the bulk of an inheritance could have been put into paying off the mortgage as everything else has been done fairly.

But, that's not the case here. He earns an unspecified amount. You've been paying 40 % - but maybe you only earn 15% of what he does.
It's not fair at all. He can spend money on whatever he likes as he has so much left over. You get an inheritance and now he stops paying the mortgage because he says you should have paid off the entire mortgage and you're not allowed to buy yourself some things with the money.
Have I understood correctly that he hasn't paid you his 60% share for the last 5 months? Has he paid his 60% of the bills?
This is a bit of a mess to be honest. How long does he expect you to go on paying the full amount?

To be honest, if this happened to me, I'd be going to a solicitor to discuss the options here. How can you protect some of the money from the inheritance and how can you get him to start paying towards the mortgage again?

Is he thinking about splitting with you, getting a divorce and then taking half of the house and thereby taking advantage of your inheritance?
The whole thing sounds very fishy to me.