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Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 12:17

I would pay half the mortgage and half the bills from now on.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:17

Ada- firstly, DH has no savings whatsoever. That’s why I’m keeping some money to safeguard the family.

Second, I have tried having the discussion about paying in proportion to what we earn, but he won’t say what he earns. I’ve just taken an educated guess to arrive at the 60/40 which he was happy with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:18

Dolora- work pt due to health.

OP posts:
dognamedspot · 21/01/2020 12:18

He's financially abusive as others have said. Do you want this marriage to continue? If not then I'd be getting legal advice asap and considering that this lump sum might be your escape fund, seeing if it could be protected. If you want the marriage to continue then possibly you need some third party help to resolve the inequalities and abuse.

Ginkypig · 21/01/2020 12:18

We'll it sounds like no she wouldn't because all the money would be gone.

He on the other hand would because he would keep the money that he had previously transferred over to pay the mortgage.

it sounds like apart from the amount he puts in for bills (which then wouldn't include the mortgage amount) he keeps all his money for him, she is expected to run the house and cover all emergency situations from her account but he never adds anything more than what has been decided is needed for bills.

Op this sounds like a much bigger issue than you receiving an inheritance!

SunshineAngel · 21/01/2020 12:19

Tbh, it depends how much was left on the mortgage, and how much your husband has contributed before. For example if you've only just got the house, you'd be paying it off, yet he would still be joint owner despite having paid almost nothing.

If you'd had it 20 years, and had a few grand left, I'd have done it.

I would assume the reality is somewhere in the middle.

But it is definitely up to YOU what you spend your inheritance for, assuming that you and your partner weren't struggling with mortgage payments.

At the end of the day, if you plough a load of your money into this house, and you divorce (I'm a ray of sunshine, I know) he will effectively be taking a lot of that money from you.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:19

He’s not abusive, just mean!

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 21/01/2020 12:23

He doesn't tell you what he earns?? That is genuinely shocking! How can you 'guestimate' a fair divide in living expenses if you don't know what each of you is earning?

My guess is he earns more than he is letting on........ from that post it honestly sounds like it's time to run for the hills. Relationships are built on honestly and trust, both of those sound like they are lacking?

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:24

Sunshine: all the mortgage payments for the last few years have been paid by me - ie from my account. In the event if a divorce I assume they would look at who had paid more into the household? If it transpired say he was earning £2k per month and had been giving me about a 1/4 if that, while I earned £500 and had been giving 100% then proportionally I have been paying in more.

I think he’s foolish & irresponsible not to save, but there, I can’t force him. I just feel very vulnerable not having any money as a back up (and knowing he doesn’t either) and if he did would not want to spend it in the house.

OP posts:
Rabbiting0n · 21/01/2020 12:24

My DH is the only earner in our house. He's on a high income and pays for everything; massive mortgage, school fees etc. It puts a lot of pressure on him. Even so, he's always said that the trust fund I have (which I don't yet have access to as the money will only come to me once all its trustees have died) is mine. He'd like me to spend it on paying off a chunk of our mortgage, or on pre-paying school fees so as to get a discount on them, but equally, we've talked about me using the money to try and start a business (which is obviously a risk).
I know for a fact that when the money comes to me, he won't withhold mortgage payments in an attempt to force my hand. But then, we've always had joint accounts, shared everything 100/100, and he respects my current contribution to our family, even if it's not the same as his finanically.

It sounds like your DH resents paying more than you in general, which for me would be a reg flag, because you're supposed to be a team; not keep a tally of who paid for what.

Drum2018 · 21/01/2020 12:24

He is financially abusive. He won't tell you what he earns and he most likely should be paying a lot more than you into the bills account. He has now decided not to pay towards the monthly mortgage payment. So how is that not being abusive? He doesn't need to beat you up to be abusive. There are many forms and he sounds like a complete dick.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/01/2020 12:25

This is MN, his money is family money and your money is your’s

Of course the reality on threads with these titles is that people rush in with variants on "if the genders were reversed!!!" without any interest in reading what the poster is saying. This is MN, where financial abuse does not exist unless we find out a woman is not handing over every penny to the man in her life...

combatbarbie · 21/01/2020 12:26

@Boringista your DH is abusive.... He is financially abusive. It is a real thing

Drabarni · 21/01/2020 12:26

No way, it's your money to manage how you feel fit.
Of course treat the family and/or pool it, but it should be your decision.
He sounds financially abusive tbh, LTB, he's a cunt of the highest order.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2020 12:27

How is it the case that you don't know what your husband earns? You're supposed to be a team, a unit, and yet he's doing exactly what he likes with no regard to you. This situation would not be sustainable for me

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:28

Shox- we’ve always had separate accounts.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 21/01/2020 12:28

The inheritance itself isn't the issue here, it's the inequality in your financial set up.

Yes paying off the mortgage would be priority in normal circumstances with an equal partnership sharing income & outgoings.

If he expects you to use your money to pay off a joint bill in order to save him monthly outgoings, when you won't really benefit from that, he's a first class CFer

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 12:28

Maybe you should have kept tight-lipped about that inheritance 😉

AdaColeman · 21/01/2020 12:29

Boringista If he was happy with the 60/40 split it must mean that you are paying over the odds!

You don’t even know how much he earns yet you say he isn’t financially abusing you? Hold on to your own money, just as he is doing!

Adviceplease1234 · 21/01/2020 12:29

Your husband earns substantially more than you and yet you split bills 60/40. For you, this inheritance and given you some financial freedom and allowed you to treat yourself. I can understand you wanting to keep hold of some of it.

However as previous posters have said, I sadly think your DP has been using money to control you. He's threatened as the inheritance gives you choices. It's appalling he has just stopped paying the mortgage.

In my opinion, all money is family money so he should have been paying more in the lead up to you getting the inheritance. I used to earn more than double my DH but I always viewed it as 'our' money.

I agree with a PP about looking at investing, potentially for income, if you aren't happy with giving away all your pot.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 12:29

He agreed to 60/40...because he knows he should be paying more.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2020 12:29

My husband and I have separate accounts too, I still know what he earns. Keep the remainder of your money towards a divorce is my advice.

MoonlightBonnet · 21/01/2020 12:30

He is financially abusive. Why don’t you suggest you will use the inheritance to pay off the mortgage, but only after you have opened a joint account into which both salaries are paid and you then have an equal share of disposable income? What would his response to that be?

MurrayTheMonk · 21/01/2020 12:31

He sounds not great and on that basis I would be keeping hold of the inheritance were I you.

When I was married I got made redundant. The biggest mistake I made was putting all that money in the family pot. It went on paying off debts that were largely not incurred by me and now I am divorced I obviously can't get it back.

At the time all money (and all debts) were family debts. I thought that was the best way to go-I don't anymore and would never do that again.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 12:31

Rockin- yes that’s just what he expects. He says something along the lines of why should I give you ‘x’ when you have ‘y’ sat in your account.

The answer I feel is, or should have been ‘because you are my husband and it’s your responsibility to help me provide for the family. Also you don’t save so u have to!’

He doesn’t seem to have any concept of being a team. It’s always “I’ll pay this if you pay that”.

OP posts:
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