DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

I'd tell him you had spent the money /donated it to charity and now can only pay 1/2 mortgage. Therefore if he doesn't pay his 1/2 you default.

Oh and if his salary is his then yr inheritance is yours. Remember that. I cannot comprehend how u don't know what yr husband earns. It's obs much more than u think.

I would invest it wisely if I were you. Divorce is a costly business.

Legally it’s your money and you can do whatever the hell you want with it. It’s not joint like income. The fair thing is if each contributes to expenses in proportion to their earning ability, assuming chores are equal. Unequal chores lessens your percent. So if he earns 60 percent of total earnings he pays 60 percent of expenses. But if you do most of the housework he should pay 80 percent, for example. He sounds self centered. I think you should set aside funds to escape with should that ever be needed. Even if everything seems great.

Could he be in financial difficulty? Never saves because he can’t? He has strange attitude to money especially as you are married. I find it unusual that he won’t disclose how much he earns and that would unsettle me.

The key thing here is you feel vulnerable. Trust that instinct and protect your inheritance and your own financial security. Keep a pot for real emergencies (not just for domestic repairs etc) and don’t tell him that you have this pot.

And try to have some very straight forward conversations about money, as uncomfortable as it is.

Your husband a sounds like a child having a tantrum and a total narcissist. Whatever happened to ‘for better or worse’? 🙄 Personally if my husband wouldn’t tell me what he earned, spent or refused to pay for the roof over our families heads, I’d close ranks and leave. End of. That’s just so messed up and controlling. You literally can’t make him be reasonable, he wants to manipulate you and control what you do, like a game of chess. This is abuse, wether you see it or not, and I would absolutely call his bluff! He will soon show you what he thinks of you? Because right now it doesn’t appear to be very much at all. A very negative and sad situation.

@Junie70

100% agree

I've seen posts here where its the man who inherits the money, and the consensus has been that its ultimately his money to do with as he pleases. So yeah, you shouldn't feel any guilt about spending or saving the money as you see fit.

A few things I've noted here:
-You knew his wages when you took out your mortgage years ago but he's since changed jobs and now won't tell you his increased income.

• You've split the bills 60/40% (including the mortgage , which we also do as it's just considered another household bill in our house) based on his earnings from the previous job, even though he now earns an undisclosed higher sum.
• You can only work part time due to your own health concerns preventing any further work.
• You have a disabled child you care for (I think I read that on one of the first few pages sonewhere.
• He expects you to pay for everything else such as clothes for the child etc out of your significantly smaller wage whilst giving you no extra money at all.
• He has absolutely no savings from his significantly higher earnings but also never has any money to pay for home maintenance etc (this does smack of some kind of addiction to me tbh, it's not always gambling though!)
• You've already put a lump sum into the mortgage but don't want to pay any extra off as then you'll have no savings for emergencies.
• He's decided on this basis to be a complete cockwomble and, whilst continuing to pay his share of the other bills, has stopped paying any percentage of the mortgage leaving you to pay 100% of it currently (effectively forcing you to use your inheritance to pay it off anyway).

I hope this run down is accurate. Is the reason you're still in a loveless mean relationship with this narcissist because you don't think you'd be able to manage on your own with your child and health concerns? If that's the case you are stronger than you'll ever know and you could do it. There is so much help available for you out there.
As pp have said, do not put any more money into the house unless you wish to sell it. If you spend the money doing it up then go to a solicitor and draw up documents stating you get that extra amount back if the house is sold. Protect yourself that way.
If you cannot change the way he views you and your marriage you either need to change it and get out or remain unhappy in a loveless, abusive and coercive relationship. Hard to hear I'm sure but those seem to be your options. Whatever your decision OP, you have my good wishes for you and your child.

You say you don't know his income how do you file your tax return? (Assuming that in the UK you have to declare your income for taxation purposes I'm an American living in Germany) My husband and I file jointly, so I know exactly what he earns.

But this is some serious bullshit. Go out and spend some of that money on financial and legal advice on how to protect yourself. What will happen to you if he decides to stop working altogether??

He is being unfair. If you share finances completely then paying off the mortgage is sensible but so is saving it if you have no emergency fund. You don't share finances though and it sounds like he has more disposable income than you and probably more now he isn't paying the mortgage. My view would be you are paying the mortgage from your money now so stop paying the other bills and as he is no longer paying the mortgage he no longer gets to live in the house. He is financially controlling.

@NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand In the UK you only need to file a tax return if you're self employed. If you're an employee you automatically get tax deducted from your salary before you receive it.

Stop buying stuff with it , invest it wisely if it’s enough to pay off a mortgage, maybe buy a flat or something on a buy to let mortgage. If you have kids it will give them a head start when you sell it!
If not an isa something, sorry but don’t like the sound of this at all, I got caught like this ended up divorced and he got the lot!!
Just saying

Can your husband not see the hypocrisy of him keeping his money to himself and not telling you what he earns while telling you what to do with YOUR inheritance. Are you in a position to earn more as in future I would be keeping quiet about how much money you have and saving for an exit as this will be worse in retirement. The starting point on assets is 50% unfortunately though and your savings would be taken into account from the inheritance so I really would not be happy with that. Save your inheritance, work longer hours and insist on 50% bills minimum.

Do you have kids and how old are they?

He probably realises it's hypocritical but it's not in his interest to acknowledge, so he won't because he's in it for him, not her

When you are married then there is no "yours" and "his" money unless you have taken prior steps to set this up.

The Women's Property Act came into force in 1870.

Has he never heard of it?

Cheeky sod!

This sounds like a bad relationship if it was me I wouldn't have paid anything for h and been considering leaving him before now! He sounds awful and definitely an aspect of abuse and definitely dishonesty if he won't tell you what he earns, my first thought would be what's he hiding?!?

• And the (petty?) refusing to pay anything towards the monthly mortgage which means I’ll end up paying it all anyway, eventually. My earnings only cover half of the monthly mortgage payment

Jesus has this man ever heard of PARTNERSHIP?!?! Who's name is the house in OP? Just in case I've missed that going through the threat. If it's in BOTH your names, he'd want to grow a pair and cop the F*#% on.

Surely the aim is so BOTH of you can live AS financially stable as possible. I received a sum of money last year. Not enough for me to pay our mortgage but if it had've, I would have done so immediately. It was just a small amount. We needed our back garden landscaped BADLY so I put the money in to that. Something we can BOTH (& our kids) benefit from.

Seems like he's all about himself. And what do you mean you don't know what he does with his money?? 🤔🤔

I inherited money following my father's death. It is a large sum. My father always said that money changes people and I have found this to be true. Most people spend their inheritance within the first 6 months of receiving it. We are trying to be responsible.
I am a SAHM with 3 children. we are coming up to a year and we have invested in a financial advisor and a will solicitor to ensure our wills are in line with our situation. Please see a FA before doing anything else - work through where you are and where you want to be.

I don't have a pension so the money will be my portion of our retirement. We will not be paying off our mortgage though we may pay it down - our situation is a bit different from most.

I would be concerned about your husband and his attitude toward you, your relationship and money. I hope you have not combined the inheritance with his as this could her your case - do not co mingle.

For us the importance is on savings, retirement, children's education (university), and finally easing our finances.

I know I have said this, but please seek an FA. they are not expensive and really help with finding how to invest your money for future growth, tax and retirement. Please don't blow the money.

Don’t use your inheritance to pay off your mortgage. A mortgage is one of the best loans you can have allowing you to keep your inheritance to spend or invest as you choose.
The inheritance is yours and yours to keep if you divorce. If you spend it on the house I’m not sure that you’ll get it back if you divorce. Your husband was able to pay the mortgage before you inherited so why not now? Why is he the person benefitting from money left to you, presumably by someone who loved you? You might choose to spend some of it on him. But if he just stops paying the mortgage and keeps his money then he’s the person most benefitting from money that is yours.

People have said that he is financially abusing you. I'm not so sure. Financial abuse is refusing to share resources. Ask yourself, in the light of your family's overall finances whether you keeping this inheritance amounts to you not sharing. if not, then he is not an abuser.

I agree with everyone else, this situation is more complex than it appears and it certainly appears unhealthy at best.

Think about what you want going forward re: marriage in general and go from there. I would also get some financial advice if you are thinking of getting out.

Don't pay anymore on the mortgage. X

I firmly believe family finances are just that. You're a unit. And much more efficient that way. So yes use the inheritance to pay off the mortgage (after treating yourself
Of course!), but also DH's excess earnings should also go into the big pot. They're not just for him.

Look how many people have posted, at great length, on your thread op!