DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

Your set up seems weird to me. My husband is due a windfall next year and it will go straight into paying off the mortgage, we've always planned for this. I inherited a large amount a couple of years ago and it enabled us to buy our current home.

But our finances are shared. We both have separate accounts our salaries are paid into and we transfer all of it into a joint account except for a set sum that is the same for both of us. All household expenses come out of the joint account.

If my husband inherited a large sum and kept the majority for himself I would be pretty put out. Over the course of our relationship I've earned more than him and he's earned more than me.

In your case, it sounds like your husband has always wanted to keep finances seperate because he is the higher earner. You reap what you sow. If he wants your money to pay off the mortgage then he needs to share his money with you too. He can't have it both ways.

I wanted to keep a ‘pot’ of money for myself/ the family in case of emergency / home repairs etc. I have also used some if the money on some maintenance jobs that needed doing on the house which DH said he didn’t have the money for.

I’m worried as he doesn’t save anything (I asked him) and I want to have a safety net. I feel if I put all the money into the mortgage there won’t be anything left for a new washing machine / boiler / whatever...

Well, it seems like you both have a strange attitude towards money. You should be paying your joint expenses jointly and proportionate to your incomes. If that’s what the 60-40 split works out to be, that’s fine. But how do you divide up day to day expenses, a family day out, new shoes for dc, if you have them? Those things add up and should be fairly split.

In terms of inheritance, I think it’s about how you see this working long term. I think paying off a lump sum of mortgage to free up more money for both of you is a wise decision. Or invest it for the long term. Dh and I have both inherited money (in my case, mine was before I’ve even met him). We both jointly decided to put that into a house. It’s nice to have a holiday, but it isn’t quite as important as other uses. I eventually stand to inherit a lot of money. Though it technically ‘mine,’ it would be weird not to share it. We are a team and though we both keep personal accounts, in the long run, I see a windfall like that as beneficial for us as a family. I would put it towards paying off the mortgage and I’d like to buy an investment property with both our names on it. I don’t see us getting divorced, but if we did, it would be a marital asset anyway so might as well make the most use of it for both of us. Ultimately, you do get to make the final decision though as it’s money that was left to you.

I buy the shoes & dats out (well I have NT membership etc in my name), he will buy the lunch etc.

I wasn’t fussed about a holiday but DH said he thought I should buy one as I had the money. I did it for him not me.

DH and I earn different amounts and have separate bank accounts. All fine and just how it works for us.

However, in this situation we would have had a conversation about the inheritance and how to spend/save it - £x allocated to the mortgage, £x on a family holiday, £x for treats or something to remember the deceased by, £x for savings/DC etc.

It's the fact that you are being told what to do, and seemingly going along with it, that suggests there's a bigger issue here than just the inheritance.

So he fritters money away on himself.
Sees this money as an opportunity to fritter more away.
Meanwhile you are left being the adult.

Sounds like he's a spoilt child.

Go see a solicitor and protect yourself.

Don't be kicking yourself in a couple of years that you blew the money that would have protected you on paying into this morgage while he blows his money on whatever.

Be wise. Protect yourself.
He is not a family man.

It’s obvious that you need to have a proper talk about money, you don’t work as a team financially.

My mum died in March and I inherited a lot as her only child. I used it to pay off our mortgage and we put the rest into savings after giving ourselves (dh and I) a small amount of spending money each as a treat - we are very low income (I don’t work due to health reasons and we have a disabled child) so it’s a big deal to us.

We are very much a team, joint bank accounts, equal spending money etc. I would have been really hurt if the roles were reversed and dh didn’t want to pay off the mortgage. It’s security for us.

You say you wouldn’t have any money for treats / maintenance etc but you would if you pays off the mortgage - you’d just save your money you would have been spending on the mortgage towards it instead.

Romaine, correction I’m being told what to divas saying no. That’s why I only partially paid the outstanding mortgage lump sum.

It’s DH attitude to the money that worries me, and his constant bitching about me not having paid all of it. And the (petty?) refusing to pay anything towards the monthly mortgage which means I’ll end up paying it all anyway, eventually. My earnings only cover half of the monthly mortgage payment.

Fairylea: my salary would pay the 40% of bills still, DH would keep all his money. Where is any spare cash for me meant to come from once I’ve paid off what I have left into the mortgage?

*told what to do

Both times we have received some inheritance we have paid it off the mortgage. One amount was my side of the family, the other my husbands. But as we are married, with a joint mortgage and a joint life, it wasn't his, or mine, it was our inheritance and we did what was best for us as a family. Not just for me, or for him.

Any remaining money is for the family. A couple of holidays, some house hold things that needed doing. I must say, if my husband went and bought himself expensive toys / watch / jewellery what ever without considering the families long term financial future I would have been gutted.

As it is, we're now early forties, and due to these decisions we are entirely debt free (inc mortgage), and able to have really nice holidays and buy ourselves 'toys' easily.

Wikki, that’s great but we don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s not perfect but I’m not considering leaving him, just safeguarding myself within it.

@Fairylea

Yours sounds like a normal healthy relationship.

The OP's most certainly does not.

He husband has unilaterally ceased to pay the mortgage.

She pays 40% of bills despite being part time and is left with nothing.

He spends his money on himself and makes no provision for emergency despite being the main earner.

This is not a healthy marriage.
This is not a healthy relationship.
This is not a healthy financial relationship.

The OP needs to take this opportunity to protect herself.

In healthy relationships, you don't have to take actions that protect you financially.

You say you wouldn’t have any money for treats / maintenance etc but you would if you pays off the mortgage - you’d just save your money you would have been spending on the mortgage towards it instead.

Absolutely. And I don’t know if you include your several pieces of jewellery and new watch as “treats” but those are a luxury I wouldn’t be prioritising over securing the roof over my family’s heads if I had a very low income, poor health and a non-sharing type of husband. Seems an odd decision to me.

AnneLoves- sorry you’ve misunderstood. I would not have any spare cash even if I paid the mortgage off entirely. I would pay what I eat into bill account. And be left with practically nothing. DH does not stare his income with me.

I don’t even have enough money to save, although I try to do so and I’m talking £5 here and there.

This is MN, his money is family money and your money is your’s

Beat me to it.

*earn

I don't like to be a voice of doom, but the more financially vulnerable party in a marriage doesn't need to protect themselves in case of future marital breakdown. There is a risk in that if any part of an inheritance gets used for 'family' purposes, the total of the inheritance can be seen as 'family' money, in the event of a divorce. But if you don't use any part of it for family use, then it is more likely to be protected in dividing assets. I would keep that money as safe as you can, given how your husband arranges the finances currently.

does, not doesn't, obvs...

In our house, all money is family money.

Any inheritance would have been discussed as a family, most of it put in to our mortgage and if it didn't clear our mortgage then any payments that were already going in to our mortgage would remain the same (we currently well over pay our mortgage every week) until it was paid off.

It sounds like your DH is better off that you financially on a day to day basis, not including your inheritance though? If that was the case then I would tell your DH to F off and leave your inheritance alone but personally I cannot understand marriages where one partner has more money than the other and the idea does tend to make me very annoyed for the 'poorer' party.

Also Anne, I’m trying to make the best of a non ideal situation and ensure we jointly have some savings. DH won’t do this!

You say that he pays 60% and you pay 40% of bills usually, does this reflect the actual relative difference in your incomes, or are you paying more than your “share”?
If so, work out what percentage of the bills you should be paying, and open a discussion with him about it. Presumably he has a lot more spare money each month after the bills are paid? Are his savings equal to your inheritance, what are your savings like compared to his?
Perhaps consider putting your inheritance into savings to a similar level as his savings?
At the moment, it looks as though he wants to hold onto his own money while forcing you to spend yours on the mortgage. You need your whole financial setup rejigged so that it’s fair to both of you.

I don't know, if he had always been happy to share finances and not expect you to pay more or less the same towards bills as him despite earning less, then he is not being unreasonable. As is, I don't blame you for wanting to put some aside and spend to give yourself some extra security.

Financially, putting your inheritance into the family arena when the relationship is struggling is an issue - by putting monies you received in they become family assets on division of assets at divorce. Keeping it seperate means it is just yours. He needs to pay his share of the mortgage just because you have money doesn't mean you should use it all for family purposes - he isn't is he? I bet you are paying 50% as well despite earnig so much less and he isn't sharing out the left overs so you both have life style equality - you might as well be his house staff

I think there are a few things going on here, before we get to what’s fair re the use of your inheritance.

For me, the question is, Why do you work part-time? And how did you come to that decision?

If there are DC, or you have a disability or illness which means that full-time work isn’t possible, fair enough. Or if you’ve not been able to work full-time because you’ve had to move or whatever, in order to facilitate your DH’s career, also fair enough.

On the other hand, your DH seems to have quite a selfish view of “his” money.

Are you actually married? If so, he might get a shock about what the Family Law courts decide about whose money is whose in a marriage.