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Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Inforthelonghaul · 21/01/2020 13:04

You have way bigger issues than the inheritance to deal with. Your DH sounds awful and I can’t see that you are in any way a partnership from what you’ve said. You need to rethink your financial structure with a view to the long term and establish whether or not you’re in this together or not. I couldn’t continue like that. I’m currently a SAHM and DH pays for everything but that was our joint decision and he would get short dh rift if he thought his income made him my superior.

PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 13:04

He lives month to month with no thought for the future / emergencies etc.

No, he keeps you month to month.
He forces you to cover emergencies.

You have zero idea of his true financial position. The only thing do know is that he starves his wife and children of funds and he's a financially abusive man.

Troels · 21/01/2020 13:09

You need to lock up the rest for a retirement fund for yourself. He is being abusive. It's finacial abuse and it's illegal.
I'd tell him that the money has been locked up for a retirement fund for you as he will have one through work and you don't.
Then get rid of the dead weight. Sell the money pit of a house and buy something for yourself that you can afford.

AngryPrincess · 21/01/2020 13:10

So, he wants you to pay the mortgage, (until your money is gone), while he gets to keep the money that he would have paid into the mortgage.

So, in essence, he just wants you to give him all of the inheritance.

Ummmmm, let me think..... No.

Tell him you will think about it, then do whatever the deuce you want.

A big holiday with a friend?

Jewels (check the resale value)?

I am frugal by nature, but I would be spending that money like it’s going out of fashion.

billy1966 · 21/01/2020 13:10

Good lord OP.

You are being financially Abused.

You are a victim.

Wake up.

Go see a solicitor.

Contact Woman's Aid.

You are being abused by your husband.

He wants you poor and depending on him.

He is not Investec in your relationship.

Allowing the house to fall into disrepair tells us a lot about his priorities.

How selfish is he!

Do you have children?

Protect yourself.

helberg · 21/01/2020 13:10

I’ve told him I’m putting “x” amount into premium bonds (or similar) and that leaves “y” left for the monthly mortgage payments. So either he needs to start paying his 60% towards the mortgage again or we will fall into arrears.

What did he say when you said this? Is this when he said you were selfish?

Have you always paid 40% of the mortgage? I think some people have assumed you weren't paying anything prior to the inheritance because you were talking about a 60/40 split of "bills" and some people assume that is JUST the bills and not "bills and mortgage".
I wasn't sure myself at first but as I understand it, it is a 60/40 split of bills AND mortgage?

Coyoacan · 21/01/2020 13:11

In a loving partnership I would say that an inheritance should be joint money and nothing better than paying off the mortgage but in this case I would suggest you should use it to help you get out of this situation, OP.

ScrambledEggsOnToast1 · 21/01/2020 13:11

If you are married why are you bothering with separate money? I never realised before I joined mumsnet how many people get married and basically carry on like they are single living in a house share with housemates. I can’t get my head around how it works? I mean on holiday do you take it in turns to pay for the ice creams etc etc.... surely if you have inherited money so has he given you are married so should you divorce he’d get half anyway?

I mean unless you are referring to him as your husband and he’s just your boyfriend you’ve been with 12 months, another thing I’ve noticed people on here do “dh.... oh but we aren’t married”.

I’d say just pool your money and don’t waste your time and energy.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 21/01/2020 13:12

I would bet my bottom dollar that he earns a lot more than you think he does, and that he has plenty of saving stashed away somewhere.

He won’t even tell you what he earns? You must know that isn’t normal in a marriage op.

Kit19 · 21/01/2020 13:12

The more you say OP the more I genuinely wonder why you’re with him. He’s mean, he’s bullying and he’s happy for his DC to live in a house in a state of disrepair.

What does he do that’s nice & considerate?

gamerchick · 21/01/2020 13:12

Christ, sell the house and dump the twat. You aren't compatible and won't work as a team.

ScreamingLadySutch · 21/01/2020 13:13

OP really feeling for you, here. I am so sorry the person you married doesn't think in terms of sharing, trust and being a team. That is heartbreaking.

Please get financial advice.

I would advise taking £10,000 and secretly putting it in the stock market. Then handing over the rest like you are giving in.

In the mean time? Learn all about stocks and shares.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2020 13:13

OP, you are being financially abused. It's happened to me so I know of what I speak. You need a cards on the table of what you earn. What should be happening is all your joint earnings go into one pot. Bills etc come out, a food budget set aside, perhaps some savings and whatever is left is equal spends for your both. This is normal. What is happening here is not not. I can guarantee that you are paying a much higher percentage than you think and that he earns far more than you think. He's a greedy, nasty, abusive cunt. Sorry.

Theroigne · 21/01/2020 13:13

I was going to come on to say YABU as paying off the mortgage would be our first priority if either of us came into money, however on reading later posts I can see why you’d rather hold onto it! If I were you I’d keep the money and lose the husband!

AngryPrincess · 21/01/2020 13:13

There’s a reason women traditionally kept their wealth in jewels. Men stole money and property.

meorthem · 21/01/2020 13:14

Why wouldn't you share all the money?

Our money is our money in this family

MollyButton · 21/01/2020 13:14

You are being abused - financially.

Do not give him any more of your inheritance - you need that money for your divorce - and now would be a good time to wake up to the fact you will need one.
I would also keep records and receipt for everything you have paid/are paying. So you can prove how you are funding the repairs etc.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 13:15

His refusal to save any money is a deliberate act of sabotage
What's in it for you, why are you with him?

username9959 · 21/01/2020 13:16

@Boringista yanbu, your DH is wrong on many levels, struggling to see his good points. I'd certainly fix up my house in your shoes if you know it'll otherwise never get done, at least if mortgage arrears force a sale you'll get a better price for a property in good repair...

You ought to tell him that since he's under maintained the property it's all needed for maintenance and if he wants to force a sale by getting into arrears that really is his call.

DickDewy · 21/01/2020 13:17

What a strange set up.

We have our own accounts but all the money is ‘ours’. If either of us inherited, that money would be for both of us and we’d agree on what to do with it between us.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 13:17

He wants you to put your money into the house... the house that he is deliberately letting fall into disrepair
He's trying to sink the boat so that you're both in the water and then he will swim off and leave you to drown

username9959 · 21/01/2020 13:17

it's sad that you've had to spend inheritance on treats for yourself as he's made you struggle for so long whilst spending unknown amounts on himself. I don't know why you've put up with it for so long.

I'd look at your work situation too, how much longer before you can work FT and earn decent money for yourself? I wouldn't be increasing my bill share, just my income without him coming clean about what his money is going on.

Faithlulu · 21/01/2020 13:17

@Boringista how do you know he does not have savings if you do not have access to his accounts?

When you go the mortgage for your home was it not disclosed on the application how much he earns?

billy1966 · 21/01/2020 13:20

How could you have got a mortgage without knowing his salary?

I would not believe he's got nothing.
He's either gambling or he's stashing money somewhere.

He's too mean not to.

mumwon · 21/01/2020 13:20

we are now retired - mn will ike this - dh trusted me completely - so I looked after all finances (with some spirited discussion sometimes Grin) we worked through things together especially when money was very tight - he never controlled my earnings - I chose to pay towards the household with them & save for the extras - his salary always went into joint account for bills - he never controlled me financially & I really worry about dh (?) who control their wives this way - what kind of marriage do they have? Op if he considers his salary is under his control?? (by the by dh comes from a society/religion who many might consider would be more likely to control me - he never has even suggested that)