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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 21/01/2020 16:34

What would expect from him, if you were paying the majority of the mortgage.
Would you be happy to carry on paying most of it whilst your partner sat on a nice financial egg.
This is the kind of query that really frustrates me with Mns. If the genders were switched there would be no way ppl would be calling you controlling or abusive. He would still be that.

HuskyloverI · 21/01/2020 16:34

Sorry I’m not posting any further details about amounts or jobs in here as it would be far too identifiable

I highly doubt that your DH is the only guy in the Country doing the job he does. And if he was, he'd be able to command a 6 figure salary surely!

Dh wanted me to continue putting my 50% into the joint ac every month. I said no because I wasn’t bringing any money in

Who are these Dickhead blokes who get their wives pregnant, know full well that they will require time off after giving birth, who think it's still reasonable to demand that without any salary they must still pay 50/50? Fucking thick bastards.

Back to Op, what are the figures involved?

Funny how your "D"H doesn't want to share money, but does want a share in your inheritance. He's taking from it on a monthly basis in the amount of the mortgage payment. The question is, why are you enabling this?

Raindancer411 · 21/01/2020 16:43

I think after reading this thread I have landed a golden egg!!

SummerWhisper · 21/01/2020 17:14

You can simply Google "(his job title) salary"

Then Google "salary (or pick the middle of the scale) after tax". That should give you a rough idea

M3lon · 21/01/2020 17:17

OP I think it would be good to get to parity with your DH on the mortgage - because then at least it is simple if you have to deal with a split.

Who has paid more into the mortgage if you take into account the lump sum you put in?

I'd be inclined to aim for toping up your half till you are 50:50 then telling him he needs to get back to paying 50% of the mortgage, and you will too.

What you can do about living with the sort of twat who earn more than you and refuses to spend on his family instead of himself..or save...or generally act like a reasonable grown up is a problem for another day....

TheClitterati · 21/01/2020 17:22

@Boringista this must all be very difficult to read and process Flowers

rwalker · 21/01/2020 17:28

he has no savings pays 60% of bills and ALL the mortgage and you call him mean doesn't sound as though he finically abusive to me.

username9959 · 21/01/2020 17:40

@rwalker please read the thread properly, her dh pays 60 percent overall and works ft, the op pays 40 percent overall, the dh is not paying the mortgage at all at the moment.

Mummyshark2018 · 21/01/2020 17:42

We have separate finances in our household. Always been that way. Never caused any issue but we're both good earners, although there was a time when I earnt less when working pt and when re-training and he paid more into pot.

In your situation I'd probably write down what you want to spend the money on- house, car etc and then give you both the same amount for your 'savings' on the condition that you return to him giving 60/40 given he's the highest earner.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/01/2020 17:46

I’d say, regardless of gender, that the inheritance belongs to the person it was left too.

However if he has been paying the mortgage plus a higher share of bills to allow you to work part time then surely your first thought should have been to clear the mortgage in return for all his payments.

If I was subsiding a partner to that extent and they didn’t think to do that I’d be re-evaluating my relationship.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 21/01/2020 17:47

I'd tell him the money has run out and he needs to start paying his share if the mortgage again. Then I'd divorce the financially abusive twat! Been there, done that, cost me £90k to get shut of him

Fivetillmidnight · 21/01/2020 18:52

It all depends on how long he paid the mortgage for..

If he's paid it for ten years and you have paid it for 3 - then yes I think you should pay it now.

Is there an issue with you working part time ? Does he accept your health issues or does he think you are making excuses to work less than he does .

All these things add to the mix. I don't personally believe that one adult should pay in more for a joint asset like a home if both have the ability to pay for it. Wether that's through an ability to work or inheritance. You both have an equal part to pay and whilst you have contributed much less over the years you are now in the position to contribute more.

madcatladyforever · 21/01/2020 18:56

So your husband does what he likes with "his" money but tells you what to do with yours.
I'd pay the mortgage off personally but not under these circumstances.
If he does not consider what he earns as belonging to the whole family then why the hell should you share any of your money.
I'd put it in a safe account ready for the inevitable divorce because he sounds like a right twat.

UYScuti · 21/01/2020 19:00

So your husband does what he likes with "his" money but tells you what to do with yours
the slogan is what's your's is mine and what's mine's my own

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 19:31

Thank to everyone who’s taken the time & trouble to post. Lots of food for thought and suggestions, some very helpful points to use when discussing this in the future.

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 21/01/2020 19:31

Leave him or kick him out

ememem84 · 21/01/2020 19:51

To be fair to my dh (mentioned above) he did think it was fair as he paid 50/50 when he was on a lesser wage. Dofference was he had a fuckton or savings and was actually earning. I’m not currently.

When we sold our flat and bought our house we had a significant sum left over. I’ve insisted this was split 50/50 and have whacked “my”50% into premium bonds. He’s invested “his” in an investment ac in joint names. Premium bonds are only sole name. Any returns are paid into joint ac.

LannieDuck · 21/01/2020 19:58

DH does not stare his income with me.

That's the important bit for me. He doesn't share his income with you, but he expects you to use your inheritance to cover his bills (his half of the mortgage). He can't have his cake and eat it.

Either your inheritance is family money (i.e. paying off family bills), in which case his income is also family money... or your inheritance is yours (and could be used to pay off your half of the bills), and his income is his (and he can do what he likes with it after paying his half of the bills).

Fivetillmidnight · 21/01/2020 20:05

So your husband does what he likes with "his" money but tells you what to do with yours...

Did I read the OP wrong? I read that the OP has only being paying the mortgage for the last 5 months .. so therefore her DH was paying it before that for how many years? .. and that now he pays 60% of the bills to her 40%... personally I can't see how that equates to 'financial abuse' ?
He now has some left over money , and so does she.

The fairest way to do this now would be for them BOTH to pay half. Him from wages and her from wages and inheritance.

OP - if you have a chronic health condition that prevents you from working full time, have you considered claiming a PIP ? You could then put that towards the mortgage .

As the main breadwinner with a DH who has a chronic health condition that prevents him from contributing equally, this is what he does. To be honest I got fed up shouldering all the financial burden despite understanding that he couldn't work at the same capacity as me, but having done it for 15 years I would be more than a bit ticked off if he inherited enough to lessen the burden but wanted to keep it to himself after a couple of decades of me picking up the majority of our costs.

maartjebaabes · 21/01/2020 20:28

Fairly or unfairly, what you receive during the marriage is to share 50/50 including inheritance. And the more he spends the more he's entitled to joint income if you do split. So on this occasion the laws are against you and in his favour. But more usually that favours the wife. So see I think as taking one for the team.

Heartburn888 · 21/01/2020 20:55

So basically your doing what he has asked by spending a large chunk of it on the mortgage.

Just because you’ve had this left to you doesn’t mean he gets to stop paying bills

Veterinari · 21/01/2020 21:15

Who are these Dickhead blokes who get their wives pregnant, know full well that they will require time off after giving birth, who think it's still reasonable to demand that without any salary they must still pay 50/50? Fucking thick bastards.
I can't see that this is remotely relevant to the OP - she doesn't even say she has children.

I'm still boggled that most posters on this thread think it's entirely reasonable for one working adult to significantly fund the lifestyle of another and cry 'financial abuse' when he refuses

What's the female equivalent of a cock lodger?

AllHeart1 · 21/01/2020 21:25

Personally if I came into a sum of money big enough to clear my mortgage then I would.

While you have a mortgage it is accruing interest. Always always always better to clear any debts first before buying anything else, that way there’ll be more money every month anyway as there won’t be any mortgage payments....

lisag1969 · 21/01/2020 21:30

Tell him if he wants to go 50 50 on everything that is fine. But if he's paying half the bills the same as you. He needs to pay half the mortgage too. X

otterhound · 21/01/2020 21:35

Yes it makes sense to pay off the mortgage but in this case the OP wont get any of the savings - dh will keep the lot. Infact he was stopped paying anything for it

Dont forget he wont even tell his wife what he earns.

He is a financially abusive twat and this will never change. I really would leave him op.