DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

I think some people sound a bit exasperated, op, because you seem to be asking for ideas about the best way to maintain a dysfunctional financial set-up. It's not easy or appropriate to give you advice within the template you've given.

I don’t follow him around or check his pockets for receipts. Maybe I should.

That isn't what I meant. Surely, in a happy, healthy relationship, all of this is open and discussed? Not secret and hidden away.

He wants you to spend YOUR money on all the bills and mortgage/house repairs with nothing left over. So what does his money go on?

I appreciate it's probably not very nice having a load of people saying you're being financially abused, but I think you really need to open your eyes and see the bigger picture here.

You are in a very vulnerable position at the moment, while he's having his cake and eating it (and most of yours too).

Basically he begrudged paying 20% more than you. How many years was this for? Have you got kids?

And now he wants you to spend all the money you have just got.... to make up for the shortfall?

Sounds like a prick, what sort of husband keeps his salary a secret

OP
Are you on the mortgage?
Do you know how much is outstanding ?
Do you know if you can look for a better deal?

You basically need to have it out with him and tell him he has to pay some of his money to you if you are spending your money on the mortgage.

My sister was married to a man like your dh.
He made her pay half holidays and all other things. All of the nanny costs as sis ‘chose’ to work. Refused to move to a bigger house as they couldn’t afford it etc. It was like a business arrangement.
She had no idea how much he earned.
Turned out he earned 4 times more than she did and in terms of net take home after bills was more like 8 times.
He once spent £90,000 on a classic car and told dsis is cost £35,000. She was so in the fog she didn’t question it.

Sorry I’m not posting any further details about amounts or jobs in here as it would be far too identifiable.

Also, you seem to be sleep-walking into poverty in your retirement. Unless you have a pension or investments you didn't mention? You presumably can't be puttin much in a pension now? Am I correct in assuming that your health is unlikely to improve so that you can work full-time in the future? Is your earning potential likely to increase? Health-wise, will it become harder for you to work?
Protect yourself OP. Money locked in a pension now will give you peace of mind. No more spending on jewellery or holidays. Tell him that. You can't trust this man to support you in the future. He is barely communicating with you now on finances when you are raising DC together.

billy1966

I think rather than the op being a 'freeloader' and living mainly off her DH wage, she should get herself a full time job rather than you talking about leaving.

Oh that's a good question - do you actually know how much is left on the mortgage? Does he deal with that or do you? Could he be telling you there's more left than there actually is?

Do you talk about other things? Do you have an equal say in what happens in your relationship? You say you won't leave but are you happy?

So after he pays his 60%, you are certain there's disposable income that he's spending on himself and definitely NOT saving. But you don't know what he spends on.

For arguments sake if he has £1000 left over a month- and you live together- you'd notice he accumulates stuff- technology/ games/ clothes/ comics/ records/ whatever floats his boat? The stuff he's buying himself with his money? Or he'd accumulate experience- is he travelling/ going out to restaurants/ have an expensive gym/ hobby that it's all spent on? I'm not saying you should follow him around, of course not! But as you live together and presumably talk to one another surely you'd notice where at least a portion of his disposable is going? If not there's full potential that if there definitely is disposable (and there will be now he's decided not to pay the mortgage) there's surely the potential that he's saving indirectly- just letting it accrue in his account unbeknownst to you. Or upping his pension contribution is another way for him to spend/ save in a way his live in wife wouldn't see?

For what it's worth I agree with you op that he's selfish and mean. But I also think that you seem very ignorant of his financials, and from what you e written there does seem to be an aspect of financial control from him.

How do you know he saves nothing at the end of each month?? You have to answer that question.

Is it because he 'tells you'?

But there's no proof is there.

An interesting read for you.

angry-alcoholics.blogspot.com/2015/04/financial-abuse-money-and-bullying-in.html

OP, the more you tell us about him, the worse he sounds. ☹️

I appreciate it must be very soul destroying to live with such a mean spirited bumhole, and you probably feel tired out and worn down, but honestly, wouldn’t you like life to be better than this?

At the minute I feel like you’re seeing this inheritance like yet another problem that’s causing arguments, when in actual fact it could be your train ride to freedom and the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Think about it. What’s stopping you walking out the door right now, checking into a comfy hotel and ordering room service for supper? What’s stopping you filing for divorce tomorrow so you don’t have to live in what you yourself describe as a “shithole”? What’s stopping you getting your own little place in due course, where you can be happy and please yourself?

Please think about these things. He sounds horrible and your life doesn’t have to be like this going forward. 💐

Many. many posters have said he's mean and financially abusing you.

You wanted opinions.

What do you want to do now?

The whole set up seems really unfair here. We share all of our money. I would have done the same in your situation, lump sum towards the mortgage and a holiday. He is being controlling wanting you to use up all of your money. You're left with nothing really and he has his savings. So it seems really unfair. I would just stick to what you have done. However he has stopped paying the mortgage and left it to you?! So he is saving up even more money?! Is it worth telling him how you feel, and possibly having a little break from each other (to reflect) a week/weekend away on your own?

Unless you have seen his bank statements you have no clue whether his savings are nil or well into the thousands.

I’ve not RTFT but I’m likely to get a substantial inheritance within the next 18 months and DP and I are having open conversations about what we will do with it and what’s best for our family and long term financial security. Surely that’s the sensible way?

@Boringista I feel so sad for you reading this thread . I hope one day soon you take a step back from your current situation and realise you deserve more than your are getting. I can't imagine you having a stable happy relaxed retirement with this person.

In contrast in our house me and DH have a joint account we pay both of our wages into. All shared direct debits come out of there (which did require a conversation about what is / isn't shared). We then pay ourselves an allowance into our own private accounts which we spend on whatever we want.

That means all of our shared finances are completely open, and we both get a say on what any of the shared account money is spent on (for example home repairs, investments etc).

You are certainly not being selfish to suggest that you keep an amount of the inheritance for security (and I'd definitely keep it in your name). Can you tie it up in a long term investment (I'm thinking savings bonds or similar) so that it's effectively gone? That way he'll have to pay the mortgage again cause there is no money available? Given your situation I also wouldn't ask for permission or see what he thought, I'd just get on and tie up the money so that he couldn't use / spend / access it anymore.

How did you decide on 60% :40% split on bills and mortgage without knowing his salary?
Or did he decide that and you agreed?

I’ve recently had a conversation with dh about finances. I’m coming towards the end of mat leave and haven’t been paid since the end of November. Dh wanted me to continue putting my 50% into the joint ac every month. I said no because I wasn’t bringing any money in.

I’m back at work next week and will next be paid in Feb. I’m putting in the same amount as I used to per month because if we went 50/50 now I’d have basically nothing left for me (two under 3 at nursery...). He wasn’t happy about it as it means he’s got less to save. But I had to tell him to shove it because I earn less now I’m only doing 4 days a week.

I do know how much my dh earns. And know he has savings. And know he’d use these as and when needed though.

Your situation is far worse. If you don’t know how much he earns you don’t know how much he has left after the transfer to bills/joint account. It’s all about financial control.

Keep the money for you. Keep it safe.

@Mummylovesbags

Well done to you.👍

You knew what you married and you had the strength to go with your gut.

This strength gave you the out.

The OP would do well to reread your post.
She appears to be sleepwalking into an even more vulnerable position with an extremely financially abusive man.

It's screaming gambling to me if he isn't hiding money.

Sadly he sounds more like a lodger than a husband. It sounds like he's jealous of your inheritance and maybe feels that the financial power balance has tipped in your favour and he can't wait until your struggling for cash again (I only base that theory on my experience with my ex husband and apologise if i'm wrong). Tell him you will be willing to pay of the mortgage if he agrees to a separate account where he puts a monthly sum into a household maintenance account, after all it is his home too. I really do hope it works out for you.

Hi op. You mentioned in one of your posts that your inheritance was from a property sale.

If it were me, I would put that money into buying a second property under your name and use the rental income you get from it as a top up on your salary. Then sit down with DH and say OK this is my monthly income what is yours let's now revise how we divide our monthly bills and mortgage given these new circumstances.

That way, you have something of your own and are getting more overall monthly income. You and DH are both still contributing to the household payments.

And if anything were to ever go wrong you have a safety net.

YANBU to want to hold some back for emergencies. I had an inheritance and both my husband and I class money as family monies. I am not working as currently have one child and am expecting again (so means I am not going to go back to work this year as planned for some extra family days our money)

My DH agreed to us having an offset mortgage so the savings would take down mortgage payments but be there still if we need it. I don't have a pension so this money if we don't use it for emergencies will be my contribution to when we retire rather than living on just the state and my DH pension.

How can your other half (I won't use 'D'H as he isn't acting like it) think he is entitled to your inheritance but not share his money is beyond me.

Mummykauli7 has a very good idea. Please give it some thought.
Although I fear that the majority of your inheritance has already gone.
Perhaps you can still get a small investment flat? Although you'd need to look into stamp duty/capital gains and landlord fees etc. What a great long-term income for you though!

MummyKaul, excellent suggestion.

@ememem84 my DH was the same, over maternity leave he insisted we kept paying 50/50 (we earnt nearly the same so this had previously been fair). I was promoted just after returning, and now after paying 50% of the bills as was his insistence beforehand I have £1k extra 'spare' than him a month. I feel bad for not having it as joint money, but he didn't want to previously so screw it. I put £500 a month in a savings account for our son and £500 into an account for me. He knows I save it, and I don't begrudge buying things for the family of course, but if he hadn't been such an arse when I was on zero income and he could have well afforded to pay the other half (he bought a new car instead) then meh. Not ideal and is quite petty, but we have further issues and this was an obvious one for me.