DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

Sounds to me that he can't bear the thought of you having any spare money at all
Controlling
Not good

Spend some if the money on a divorce. You pay 40% of the bills but are bringing up his children. It's either a partnership or not and by your account it's not.

I think you need to sort out with him your financial arrangements and know exactly where you stand. I had a really odd set up with my ex with money and because of a massive loan ( for study) I was always in overdraft and struggling as we split rent and bills 50:50 despite him earning way more. I never questioned it as always felt it was my decision to go to uni and he shouldn't have to pay for my course. He never seemed to care though if I was struggling and would get mad if we ever had a conversation about it. It ended up me not being able to buy shoes when mine broke, me never going out without him and us even buying separate food because I couldn't afford what he wanted to get, and him getting peed off if I touched his cereal etc. He ended up using the money as a bit of a controlling thing and he would always choose if we went out where, when and I ended up just doing what he wanted and being pretty miserable. Looking back v weird and a sign the relationship was doomed and now I'm in a relationship where if I have money I put it in, and if my partner has money he'll put it in, we share costs if we're both earning but if I'm on maternity he pays way more etc and it feels like much more of a team effort and much more trust there. I think being able to talk about it is the key, have a long chat and decide what's right for you and your family

This is another Gamily issue and both so different upbringings, I was made redundant in 2010 and we had been our house for a few years we invested it in the mortgage with a view to move to a bigger house, I was happy with our decision at the time. I think it would be great to share the inheritance between the family, perhaps looking at how you can break it up To cover all. I have worked on and off now since 2015 it us a roller coster For me about contribution all. I have a credit card for me and the children and DH has a credit card for his food at work and he is a rugby player and runner, he also has his yearly beer festival away with the lads. He occasionally goes out to the pub or meet his school mates. I am the same I have given up smoking drinking and buy weekly food shop, stopped going out too often. I was working part time for a year and I would love to get a job to start contributing again.. looking after yourself is essential, but struggle and try to do this on the cheap to not take the piss!! 👍

An honest conversation is needed here. You could suggest you pay off the mortgage if he tells you how much he earns and pays the correct % of the bills as well as saving for a rainy day. Hopefully this will leave you with more spare money for yourself. BTW you haven't mentioned any children, if you do have them and do all the caring /housework etc then this needs to be taken into consideration when working out the % split.

I don't personally understand separate bank accounts once married. I think the inheritance is yours to do with as you wish, but if it were me paying mortgage off would be quite high on the priority list if I came into money.
But he should still be paying towards mortgage until it is paid off either way.

I wouldn't be with anyone who refused to tell me their salary. Why the secrecy.....

A conversation should have been had when you first got the cash so you could both raise your concerns about the cash. If I had a mortgage and had inheritance I would pay my mortgage off so we had one less debt.

You are married yet....
You don't know what he earns?
You have separate accounts?
He spends what he wants and wants to control 'your' money?
You say he has no sense of teamwork in the marriage?

Wow - not marriage arrangements most people would be able to tolerate I imagine.

Leave the miserly sod, I wouldn’t put up with this controlling behaviour.

No ..for now font you have put a lump sum towards the mortgage with good reason.
He should not stop paying towatd the house

His attitude is awful put some aside for the future of yourself and the kids if need be put it into a trust fund

I found out what my stbx was earning when our son applied for university grant
I have always worked separate accounts
Nasty piece of shit ..
Was very put off whennI found out thought it would have been much more with all the secrecy.
Secret gambler thank heavens everything was separate thats why he didnt want joint accounts

Whilst you have inheritence and he has a bigger salary it sounds like the fairest thing is you both pay 50/50 on the bills and the mortgage. It doesn’t make sense for you to split bills 60/40 but the mortgage 0/100, just pay 50/50 each.

When he agrees to a full joint account, and proper access to it, plus full disclosure of his financial affairs; then you can consider if you want to pay off the mortgage. Until then stalemate or LTB.

I am not saying this is fair as you have said you have health problems but it sounds to me like he is resentful at having had to take full responsibility for paying the mortgage all this time. I am not the high earner in my relationship and I pay the rent (£1400 a month) and my partner pays the bills (£500 a month). Am I resentful - yes. But would I tell him how to spend his inheritance - definitely not. And if received inheritance I would spend it how I see fit and wouldn’t take him into account to be honest. But we don’t have a healthy relationship either.

Sorry, I mean I am the high earner!

My sister and her hubby keep their money separate and she had an inheritance. She paid her "half" of the mortgage off and now he pays all mortgage costs

I suspect the split should be 75/25 but you'd need to be brave and ask..... or be broke soon. Or leave him.

@Boringista

Having read your other comments on this thread your situation really resonates with me.Your not alone in this situation.My DH is selfish and irresponsible with money.He doesn't have any savings and if he ever does receive a lump sum he fritters it away on crap eg recently he received 5.5K and instead of investing it into our home which needs loads of work doing everywhere/need furniture or getting much needed repairs done to our family car he instead spend it on a **##ing motorbike 😡.

He doesn't save for the future/have any sort of pension and doesn't care about the fact our home is in disrepair and looks like a squat.

I also don't know how much exactly my DH earns:he's very cagey about it and guards his finances like a hungry dog guards a juicy bone.

Like you I'm kept on a tight reign financially,we have a joint account but the CB/CTC is paid into it and he paid a a portion of his wages into it each month but I know I don't even get half his wages and I'm expected to everything;mortgage,bills,shopping,clothes for me&kids,school stuff etc out of this and it's often a balancing act as sometimes it doesn't stretch far enough.

I don't understand separate bank accounts and if you do at least have clearer knowledge of each others finances. I wouldn't think twice about paying the mortgage off if I was lucky enough to gain a lump sum of money and visa versa.

Sounds rubbish

Do you have enough left to buy a small house or flat that you can rent out OP? That would give you an income, some security and a “pension” for old age?

My DH had a substantial inheritance from his late father a few years ago. They had a very complex relationship, and to be honest, the money was a bit bittersweet for him as he would rather have had a better relationship with his Dad.

Never at any point did I feel that I had any input over how he spent the money, or feel I had any "right" to it, because I don't. It's DH's and his alone. He decided to pay off our outstanding mortgage, and he's invested the rest as I don't honestly think he knows quite what to do with it.

The bit I'd have issue with over your DH is the fact that he feels he can make the decision for you in how to spend the money. And to stop paying the mortgage is petty.

I really would advise a session with a solicitor. You don't want to plough money into a house that's in a state of disrepair, as you may not see it back again. And if you did ever split with DH, he's going to be saying that he's always paid 60% so if you do decide to pay the mortgage off, you want a legal document saying what you've put in.

I believe the OP has her blinders on, sadly. To not even know something very basic as your partners salary is alarming on its own. I don't feel she's taking in anything PP are saying.

so..when he s main earner-he keeps you all.when you have enough to clear your feet..you havent and its causing "attitude"..both sides....is he proposing to pay half of what he previously would have in monthly instalments as per the mortgage.cos..i think that would be a compromise.both of you =secure,whilst remain independantly financiially better off..speak to him.i doubt you was left it with intention to cause fihghts