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Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 21/01/2020 21:56

I wonder where all his money is going if he doesn't have any savings and does not maintain the house. Could he spend his money on scratch cards or something, have you noticed any of this xxxx

lisag1969 · 21/01/2020 21:58

Could you not get disability benefits if you are unwell. They are not means tested so they will not take into account yours or you husband wages. X

lisag1969 · 21/01/2020 22:02

I think there could possibly be a problem you are not aware of. His money is going somewhere. X

madcatladyforever · 21/01/2020 22:06

I'm still boggled that most posters on this thread think it's entirely reasonable for one working adult to significantly fund the lifestyle of another and cry 'financial abuse' when he refuses
What's the female equivalent of a cock lodger?

I disagree, I earned considerably more than my exH and supported him for 15 years at the expense of my own pension and savings, I considered anything I earned as our money.
However, when he started to earn the same as me he decided he didn't want to share "his money" and pissed off, tried to take me for half the house that he had never paid for on the way out.
He didn't get it.
But the point is I thought it was irrelevant who earned what, it was family money.
It works both ways.

NomDeDieu · 21/01/2020 22:19

I'm still boggled that most posters on this thread think it's entirely reasonable for one working adult to significantly fund the lifestyle of another and cry 'financial abuse' when he refuses. What's the female equivalent of a cock lodger?

The OP said she can’t work more due to health problem. A cocklodger is someone who does t work because they can’t be bothered. Not someone who doesn’t work because they can’t.
Plus, I would imagine that the OP is doing all the housework etc.... which a cocklodger doesn’t do.
And finally she is still paying 40% of all the cost with a much smaller wage so again paying her way as much as possible. That’s miles away from a cock lodger who pays fuck all.

Basically in this case, the DH isn’t funding any lifestyle at all.

Veterinari · 21/01/2020 22:32

Exactly @madcatladyforever and now the OP has come into money, isn't it fair she contributes more too? She wants to continue only paying 40% have her DH fund her lifestyle and keep her inheritance. Doesn't seem fair.

@NomDeDieu I guess you can imagine whatever you like to fit the narrative of this thread but it doesn't make it true. We have no idea who does the housework. I'd expect that if the OP is so unwell she's unlikely to be slogging at home too

We also don't know how unwell the OP is, or if she's so unwell that she struggles to work why she isn't claiming PIP to make up her share of the bills.

Because the OP has only given us enough info to get posters frothing about financial abuse:

She claims to know her DH has no savings and fritters his money away and that he earns far more than her yet also claims she doesn't know what he earns or what he spends his money on.
She's ignored multiple questions about DC and household divisions of labour or other contributions she might make.
She won't outline relative amounts or give any info as to relative value of inheritance vs mortgage.

It's pretty one-sided to me, and I don't think her DH is unreasonable to expect her to contribute more financially now that she has the means. I don't think any grown adult should expect to be subsidised when they're able to support themselves (unless raising DC where childcare is in lieu of earnings)

katielilly · 21/01/2020 22:39

@Veterinari
We still have no idea why a 40% and 60% split of bills +mortgage were agreed upon. Why on earth would anyone agree to this without knowing the other person's salary?

scubadive · 21/01/2020 23:13

Why on earth are you using g your inheritance so that he can stop paying monthly mortgage payments. What has he been doing with his extra monthly cash?

This is terrible financial planning. Paying off the mortgage would be one thing although I can see why you want a safety net but letting him fritter away his monthly earnings while your inheritance disappears is lunacy,

What were you thinking, you have allowed him to bully you into this. He is controlling you, this is very bad and you say he keeps his money to himself so coercive control. You need to wise up,

LemonPrism · 21/01/2020 23:19

If he was happy with 60/40 but won't tell you his wage I can guarantee it's closer to 80/20 or even more. I know down to the penny what DP earns and we're not even married and have never shared an account.

God I couldn't be with someone who hoards money for himself like a dragon

Personally money is either joint and you each put all money in a pot and take out equal amounts or pay proportionally - or it's not and your inheritance is yours.

Iflyaway · 21/01/2020 23:26

I earn practically nothing and DH does what he likes with his money.He pays about 60% of bills and I pay 40%.

And you are paying off the mortgage from your inheritance, as well as taking him on holiday..

I don't like the sound of him at all.

Use your mortgage for a run-away fund. Your future self will thank you.

Iflyaway · 21/01/2020 23:52

he won’t say what he earns.

Wow... how the fuck did you ever put up with this?

Perfectly normal from a colleague, a marital partner? No way!

NameChangeNugget · 22/01/2020 00:26

All money is family money, until it works against us women Grin

StoppinBy · 22/01/2020 00:44

@Fivetillmidnight yes, you are reading it wrong (there are several posts where the OP explains what she is paying for by the way).

Prior to this inheritance OP and her H split EVERYTHING 60/40 including mortgage repayments, now they are splitting bills 60/40 and she is paying the full mortgage repayment on top of her 40% of the bills.

busybarbara · 22/01/2020 00:57

I agree with the man earlier in the thread. Keep the remainder of your money as a personal safety nest egg and consider how you might leave this man as he does not sound good

DownTownAbbey · 22/01/2020 07:37

If he's got spare money and isn't spending it on house repairs, mortgage overpayments or saving can you see where it's going? Does he drive a fancy car, have expensive hobbies, buy loads of techy gadgets? The money must be going somewhere. Drink, drugs, gambling, prostitutes, a secret holiday home in the South of France. Unless he's using bank notes to wallpaper his man cave the money is going somewhere and that somewhere is not someplace he intends you to benefit from it.

It took a long time for me to accept I was being financially abused. If you take nothing else from this thread take that and let it sink in. Protect your inheritance as it gives you choices.

JassyRadlett · 22/01/2020 13:52

All money is family money, until it works against us women

This might be a reasonable comment if it was in any way relevant to OP’s situation. But in her case, he doesn’t see his money as family money - they’re not contributing in proportion to their incomes - but he wants hers to be shared.

Consistency is key.

Superleo837 · 22/01/2020 17:37

I don’t like the sound of this. In my house money all money goes into a pot to be decided by both of us. Anything we earn isn’t ours it’s all of ours. Same goes for inheritance/money from family members. It would still be ok to buy some nice things for yourself in memory of the person who sadly passed though.

MadamShazam · 22/01/2020 17:43

Don't pay off your mortgage and hide a nest egg for yourself somewhere he can't access. He sounds like a proper twat by the way. And no way would I be allowing him to just do what he likes with his money, whilst dictating what you 'should' be doing with yours.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 22/01/2020 17:44

Why did u tell him. My mam always says keep your own stash. You never no whats round the corner.

Shell4429 · 22/01/2020 17:58

So he’s happy with the two different lifestyles? That’s not a partnership especially since you have health issues. I would leave while you have money for a rental deposit. Either he doesn’t love you or has issues. Surely you can see that?

Dadtwoone · 22/01/2020 18:10

If he has always paid the mortgage and you haven't, then he might see this as an ease on his financial burden that he always carries, if you were to divorce, you would demand half the home he paid for, you say the bills are split 60/40, so I can't see how he is controlling you, like others suggested, he pays more than his fair share plus the mortgage, were you happy when your husband was paying the mortgage? But now you have money you don't feel you should pay equally.

Jane2357 · 22/01/2020 18:17

Its your money, so you can do what you like but remember it is your house and your family and you probably want to support both. You need to work on getting agreement over money. Have you asked him why he wants you to use the money to pay off the mortgage. Does he have wishes and plans for the future? Maybe he would like to do something else with his life other than work full time until the mortgage is paid off. Anyway you need to talk it through. The way you put it sounds like 'what you earn is ours, what I get is my own'. I am sure that isn't the position

P.S. Paying a mortgage off early is one of the best investments you can make. It is equivalent to finding an investment that produces a guaranteed 3.5% tax free return. Not easy to find.

mylifestory · 22/01/2020 18:19

He sounds like my mum, lives for the day, doesn't save, doesn't repair the house, is secretive about money etc. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. And i mean really read into it. If any sounds even a bit familiar join a facebook group on narcissistic relationships and abuse and read some real life examples. Good luck. Ive been there!

browneyes77 · 22/01/2020 18:31

Whilst I think paying off the mortgage is the smart thing to do, I think the way he has approached this is completely unacceptable.

As a couple you sit and discuss these things and come to an agreement together, (because in my eyes it’s your money and your choice ultimately how you spend it).

You don’t force your partner into it by refusing to continue paying the mortgage. That is controlling.

jillb55 · 22/01/2020 18:38

Pay off the mortgage and charge him rent on his half?

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