Dumped by text

[user1471427667]

Bf of 2 years sent me this text in the early hours of this morning.
“Hey I’ve been thinking about us and it’s just not working out so best to end it. No need to reply. All the best”
I feel absolutely blindsided. Didn’t see this coming at all. Aside from the shock of it, I feel so dismissed that he put “no need to reply” as if he I don’t have a say in it ( well I know I don’t but the urge is to try and talk about what he feels is wrong)
Should I ignore what he said and try and contact him to find out what’s wrong and try and work it through or at least end it amicably? Or just accept it somehow and not reply.
I feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach and everything I thought was real just isn’t.
Please help me retain some dignity and tell me best way to reply or not.

@yepimaman infatuation with someone else doesn't excuse him ending a 2 year relationship via text without an explanation.

It doesn't excuse him sleeping with her then secretly packing his things.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I totally agree. I didn't mean to give that impression, apologies if I did.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I didn’t read @yepimaman as excusing this behaviour merely framing it for what it is: selfish and pathetic.

Hope everyone who has suggested texts involving knobs, fucking of ,sty’s etc read his comment about it being exactly what men like him want. And never think of doing it again

@yepimaman that sounds pretty much like my ex! (Mentioned earlier, also dumped me by text but had met someone else - he'd spent one day with her and decided he wanted to be with her instead!) Its been 7 months though so I guess he probably doesn't have the ability to think about uncomfortable memories of how badly he treated me.

Just interesting to see it from that perspective and as someone up thread said, it's not an excuse for dumping by text but it is definitely selfish and cowardly. I really wish I hadn't done the pick me dance with mine, and messaged him but inwas so floored I didnt know what to do. Stay strong op :)

People who do this definitely know how they are behaving is awful. The reason they do it this way is entirely based around avoiding their own uncomfortable feelings. They cut and run and try very very hard to push away any arising awareness that their behaviour is shitty. They find flimsy reasons to justify it in their own minds. And for a while it works, because like a PP said, they bury it under the infatuation of someone new (but they know it's lurking underneath, they really do).

It will come back to haunt him, one way or another. Avoiding feelings like this doesn't work and eventually life events will cause him to face them. But it may take years and it's out of your control, sadly.

OP, you are going to feel sad for a while. It will be painful and may take some time.

Eventually you will be thankful he did this now, before marriage and kids.

@yepimaman Yes, similar experience with myself in the past, except rather than be infatuated with another woman I was infatuated with the idea I'd be happier single - more able to do what I want, no need to compromise, no expectations of how I should be spending my free time, no wastes of weekends doing things I didn't particularly want to.

I didn't end the relationship as harshly/unexpectedly via a text, but certainly could have been handled better. Fortunately she doesn't hold grudges and we have some small talk about how she and her family are doing since.

And correct, in hindsight I regret it. I was wrong and the grass isn't greener and I contemplated crawling back. But she was happily in a new relationship and I knew it wouldn't be right of me to disturb that so I left her to it and have found someone new, with the plan of not making the same mistake again no matter how much my mind may try to convince me again.

Yepimaman and NRP. Thank you for posting. My ex (15 years, 2 kids) brutally left and revelled in his single life a year and half ago. Including drinking and shagging whatever he could and frequently engineering arguments to get out of agreed arrangements to see his kids (shinier party invites/ drinking or shagging opportunities). It settled down a bit and cos of his selfish partying, i decided week day access was the way to go. And its much better. Because of his alcoholism and enabling/ toxic family, my one boundary about access to kids was no holidays abroad with him or his family. But ive said as much as he wants, but in london (where we live). A year and a half down the line, the partying and single life fun seems to have lost some of its shine. And he's now pushing and pushing for taking them on holidays abroad. He doesn't seem to have your insights though. Which I'm finding tough. He's kicking off for not being able to have his cake and eat it. I'm the unreasonable bitch in all of this. I really wish he had your honesty and insight.

Sorry. Should start my own thread I suppose. Struggling with inability to show any respect or remorse. Solution is to bash me more.

Feeling much stronger today and a bit more accepting of it being over. The way he did it will always stay in my mind however as it was selfish and cowardly.I don’t want anyone with those qualities, so he has actually done me a favour.
@yepimaman Thank you for that insight. Very interesting to hear it from a man who has done similar . A lot of it could relate to ‘him’, - Please tell me your initials aren’t A.S? !
I don’t read your post as you trying to justify that mindset, quite the opposite.
I have to face facts that the likelihood is, he has met someone else (gulp). Nothing I can do will change how he feels, so I just have to concentrate on me and try every morning to get up and get on with the day without letting the pain overwhelm me.

I was ghosted after an almost 2 year relationship. This was back before mobiles and he lived an hours drive away so it was easy for him to pull off.

I'm glad that contact was all but impossible because I would have replied - ranted, hurted, and probably mortified myself. After a few weeks I began to realise what a dick he was.

He surfaced a couple of years later turning up where I work. Looking for a bit on the side, as he was now engaged (to the woman he dumped me for) I sent him packing then.

I moved away, moved on and who do I get a friend request on FB from, 20-odd years later - him. I don't know if his marriage had broken down or he was mooching around for a bit on the side or what but he got snippy when I failed to respond in abject gratitude that he'd deigned to bestow his charms on me He's now firmly blocked everywhere.
And this guy lovebombed me as well. Proposed 5 weeks into us dating. Twat.

@Halestorm - the sheer arrogance of him!!! The fact he thought for one minute you would welcome him back!!
I suppose I should think myself fortunate I at least got that shitty text. I’m not sure if he could have ghosted me though, as if he had just fallen off the face of the earth, I genuinely would have thought something was wrong ie. He was sick or had an accident and I would have gone to his home or work to check he was ok!

@NRPDad it helps hearing things like that too. I know my ex is long gone but I really hope that one day his actions come back to haunt him. I don't want to take over your thread OP but reading these messages have helped me too when I have a moment!

@SmellyBeard that sounds so right, that they know and try and hide it in a new infatuation. Even the flimsy reasons! (Honestly the reasons he gave was so rubbish, I've learned that now!) I have spent the last 6/7 months stressing over this situation I've found myself in (although doing much much better) and just reading things like this is so reassuring to me almost, it's so unfair how people can behave the way they do with no come back (and can be off playing happy families with a new relationship...) and I know I shouldn't give him any head space but that is easier said than done. My rambling is basically saying "you make sense and thank you for it"!

I know @Jonsnowsghost, it was really helpful reading what@NRPDad and @SmellyBeard had to say - thank you.
It’s hard not to let thoughts go to ‘how could he do this, he has gone on having a great time with someone new, or happily single while I’m here reeling in shock and barely able to function at times’.
But I DO think think their actions will come back and haunt them at some point.
Really we should feel sorry for them, as it ultimately sounds a pretty unfulfilling way to live. Further more, they don’t have US!!!
flicks bouncy hair and snaps fingers!👍😎

@user1471427667 I really hope you and everyone else is right, that it'll come back at some point, even if I'm long gone it would still make me feel better

I have had those thoughts constantly since it happened, although they are quieter now and it is so so hard but I'm slowly coming out the other side :)

I will join the hair flicking though

I know it's a compelling thought to want them to come knocking at your door, cap in hand (been there myself) but if you can try to push it away as it's actually helping you to avoid your feelings about it too.

Try to take comfort in knowing deeply that no one* who is able to be in a genuinely committed long term relationship leaves like that without an explanation and giving no way to get answers. They just don't.

*(I'm excluding people escaping abusive relationships who have no choice but to run)

@SmellyBeard absolutely, I no longer think he will turn up at my house and no longer have that "hope" that he might. I'm still healing but doing so much better than I was! I think it just helps from that outside perspective to know that he probably will feel guilty one day or whatever. It makes me feel better now about it. I mean, he had known this woman for one day before kissing her and deciding to go off with her (and then telling me/dumping me via text with some terrible reasons why it was my fault...) so it really did break me but I'm coming round to the fact that no one deserves to me treated like that and no normal human would treat anyone like that!

Yes and his actions leave you questioning yourself. That is deliberate. It's the cut and run and designed to leave you holding everything. But it's not yours - push it away. Breathe and push it away. It's not yours. Nothing can make it yours.

You might be left feeling empty for a while as you go though this, but that will pass too and is just a stage.

@user1471427667

Only other point is to be prepared that he may come back grovelling at some point in the future. Obviously for now focus on getting yourself back on track and in a happier space. But don't be surprised to have a message from an unknown number (once you've got to a point where you delete his contact in your phone) or a facebook message request of him trying to re-connect with you.

I think how you deal with it is for you to decide, what is best for you might be different to other people e.g. outright ignore/delete/block, school him on how he is awful, or re-engage and hope he has changed (I'd suggest the latter is risky and with retrospect even if I had grovelled I would hope my ex had realised she doesn't need to take the risk and potentially deal with it all again, but instead find someone who wouldn't do that to her in the first place!)

I've read all the thread and at first a few possibilities presented themselves. I'd half expected it to actually be a test on his behalf. But that doesnt seem to have happened. So it was a disengagement without a development.

You were Intimare Partner, Secondry Source Shelf (IPSSS). You've been treated to an elongated golden period by virtue of this position.

I highly suspect a Hoover and as your friends have said, you need to prepare for it.

However, you are doing so brilliantly! So so brilliantly! The very resolve you are showing now may well be why you've been disengaged from.

narcsite.com/category/ipss/

If it's just a Absent Silemt Treatment for some imagined transgression, it's now gone on a little too long if this is the first time hes done it.

I'm really sorry.

Development = devaluement

Hey just been reading thread what a shitty thing to do! I do come with tips, get yourself a pen and note pad write down exactly what you would like to say to him, get it out if your system and onto paper, then put it away in a drawer, get it out in two days time, read it then a weeks time or every few days and you will find that you will start to roll your eyes at what you had written as you slowly start to heal and then laugh at yourself and think what a di*k im glad i didnt send that to him! I did it once back in the days of pen and paper and i remember eventually cringing at my words when i accepted he wasnt worth it and id had a lucky escape!!

@user1471427667

No, those are not my initials.

Sometimes they just don't give a shit and never do. Sorry, but please don't necessarily expect contact again
Far healthier for you to move on with expectation you never will. I don't mean to create a downer. But sometimes. They just don't give a shit

He is a grade A arsehole. You sound lovely. Total mismatch

Hi! Im so sorry this happened to you. I can only advise based on my own experience. I was with a guy for 5 years, we stayed together etc. I came home from work one day and he has packed his stuff and left basically without an explanation. He then changed his number and blocked me off of all social media (which stung as i hadn't been hounding him, i had only text him once which was ignored, then decided to give him space).I tortured myself for weeks trying to figure out where it all went wrong, looking for closure but in the end i realized that it was a reflection of his character and he didn't deserve me. For your ex to say theres no need for a response is cold and callus and come across as if he has no interest in your feelings. You will get over this i promise, but it will hurt for a good while. One day you will wake up and realise you deserve sooo much better than that. I never got my closure, but i feel proud of myself for the way i carried myself. I personally dont think you should respond, you hold the power and just do you.