Why do people cheat?

[LiquidGold20]

I read something once that people who cheat do it because they don't like the person they've become. They've lost themselves along the way somehow. They've turned into a bad version of themselves and they cheat to try and get back to where they want to be. I'd be interested to hear from people who are currently having an affair, or who have done in the past - no judgement from me. What were the underlying reasons for it?

I don't think it's that complex. Sometimes you just want sex. Sometimes it's the moment you're in or the booze or the person. You're made to feel attractive and want to live up to that view someone else has of you. Yes I'm sure there are lots of people for whom it's a symptom of bigger issues like you say, but for many I suspect it's just about giving in to temptation and pleasure!

Research?
Plenty of resources on that online.
Short version - different reasons.

If you are genuinely interested - read E.Perel - The state of Affairs

According to my friend, she cheated because she hated her life with her dh and wanted an escape from it ( we found out later he abused her emotionally and financially) and this other man made her feel like a queen in comparison..he had no idea she was married, she called it off after a few months because she felt guilty.

So strange @LiquidGold20 and @josuk.
Just browsing mumsnet now while watching a film on netflix called 'newness'....and Esther Perel has a cameo in it where she's talking about this exact and was saying it's not always that the person wants to get away from their partner, but that they want to get away from the person they themselves have become!

• this exact thing

Unless they just happen to meet someone they like as a person, I think it's often just that they're horny as fuck. I suppose it's sometimes to have an escape from a grim home life. For instance, I knew one guy who cheated mostly down to extreme horniness, but also because his wife was suffering from depression. Ugh.

Opportunity and inclination.

Esther Perel talks crap.

The reason I was tempted to have an affair during my marriage was actually exactly that looking back - I wanted myself back. But I ended the marriage instead - because I didn't want to disrespect my husband by routinely lying to him and betraying him.

People mainly cheat because of a faulty moral compass and a lack of respect for the person they are with. And I speak as someone who had an affair when I was younger, saw the devastation it caused, and understood what a horrible person it made me, that I had done that to another human being.

When I was in my twenties, it was because I couldn't resist (chose not to) either the excitement or the validation. Also a desire for variety.

After twenties, generally because I thought I should end the relationship I was in/was not committed but was too lacking in.confidence and had too low self-esteem to just end it and try to find another partner from scratch - so I tried to "monkey branch" to another man.

It's an exit strategy

Lack of excitement at home, need for more physical interaction and cowardice to end the marriage or relationship

One friend said he cheated because his wife , like many women, never initiated sex so he felt unwanted

Another said it was because he went on his wife's Facebook and knew she searched up her ex and on a drunken night out she once told him sex with her ex was the best she had ever had , he never forgot that and wanted someone to want him

Sometimes its just as simple as opportunity isn't it. Also if youre emotionally available then its not really a big deal I guess. Maybe if you feel trapped in a relationship you don't want to be in then its not really cheating. Infinite reasons Id imagine.

I've done it in the past. I was with someone emotionally abusive and felt trapped but felt trapped and not strong enough to leave. Also, I didn't love or fancy him so had a little thrill by being with someone I was attracted to. I am happily married now, a lot stronger and love my DH so it was a one off, confined to the situation I was in.

Because they feel entitled to.

That might be for a sympathetic reason (partner is physically abusive and someone shows them compassion).

Or it might be for what others would consider a more selfish reason (they're bored with life and blame their partner for not maintaining sufficient excitement, even if said reason is just the inevitable sparkle wearing off).

Either way, they feel entitled.

People who don't cheat might find themselves in similar situations, but generally feel that doesn't entitle them to lie to and betray they partner.

As an addendum to that: some people dress up their entitlement as passivity - so it becomes "Oh whoops! I seem to have cheated! However did that happen? It was beyond my control! I was a leaf blowing in the wind!"

Somewhat more believable if its a one-off drunken snog at a Xmas party which you immediately regret. Less so, if its a six month affair.

IMO Elizabeth Gilbert seems to rather prone to this sort of thing.

Could be they have a rubbish relationship. They should get out first but maybe none was planned.

Meeting someone you genuinely like/fancy at a time when your relationship is weak in some way (maybe it's reaching the end, maybe there is abuse or addiction issues within the relationship, or other issues etc) but ending the relationship might not be as easy as it should be.

Meeting someone you genuinely like/fancy at a time when your relationship is weak in some way

It's intriguing to consider what "other issues" might be and where the line gets drawn between "self-empowering" and "selfish".

We all know the cliche of the Middle-aged man, with a wife at home running herself ragged with the kids. The relationship is "weak" in that he feels he's not getting as much sex as he used to. Or his wife doesn't look as fit or takes as much self-care. Or maybe she's not able to stroke his ego as much as she used, you know, what with all those kids taking up her time and energy. And then he meets someone he genuinely likes/fancies...

As it happens, I'm a man too so this isn't meant to bash my gender. The genders could be swapped about (and sometimes are). But its an illustrative example.

Uncomplicated sex is good, but if you get caught then it becomes complicated. I was someone’s mistress in my life before marriage. I wasn’t the other woman and had no intention of destroying a marriage. It was a convenient stop gap when I didn’t want commitment. It fizzled out when I met my DH.
Interestingly the wife had been having an affair herself, and he didn’t find out until 12 months after they eventually divorced ( marriage had been over for years and they stayed together for the children).
I am in a reverse roll where I’m the main income, it does piss me off at times and can be a big turn off sexually coming home and being nagged after a tough day at work. DH has been a SAHP for the last 3 years, he has taken early retirement but will always be financially dependent on me. I love him to bits but after 28 years we have settled into a companionship with the odd bit of passion.
It’s also quite depressing to think I’ll probably never feel that desired again. I think if I could get away with it I would have an affair.

It is always down to low self esteem on the part of the cheater.

When this was asked previously on MN, I wrote because some people think they're special.

That might sound trite, but I think that they think that the rules don't apply to them.

Incidentally, I think that pp also is correct (in some cases) that it is low self esteem. It's not diametrically opposed to thinking your special. If you have low self esteem you can try behaving as though you're special to deal with that. It's a low self esteem boost.

I suppose it depends on your stage in life. I always had a much higher sex drive than DH but when kids and life happened we became more compatible. My self esteem has soared over the last 12 months having sold my business and cut my working hours. I suppose one last fling before I descend into tweed and pearls is very attractive.

I know someone who cheats because she has issues stemling from childhood, she seems deeply unhappy and has issues with alcohol. She doesn't even seem to like the people she chests with when she sobers up.

I know a lot more people who cheat because
They can oe opportunity
Its exciting having sex with someone other than their partner
They're pissed

They are perfectly happy with their partners and make it clear to the person they cheat with that they will never leave

There isn't any great physiological thing going on - they just fancy it and can get away with it so they think why not

It also depends on which rules you adhere to.

Sometimes you just meet a person that you click with, spend more time with them and become very attracted to them. If the feeling is mutual then an affair can begin. Guess we can sometimes crave the excitement and lust that a new relationship brings. It can consume you and your long term partner becomes almost irrelevant. I don' t think the person who cheats necessarily goes out to hurt their partner but events, lust, attraction and excitement just take over.