Why do people cheat?

[LiquidGold20]

I read something once that people who cheat do it because they don't like the person they've become. They've lost themselves along the way somehow. They've turned into a bad version of themselves and they cheat to try and get back to where they want to be. I'd be interested to hear from people who are currently having an affair, or who have done in the past - no judgement from me. What were the underlying reasons for it?

@MimiLaRue, I think that sometimes the cheater has tried to talk to their partner to try to fix things but often if it's related to a lack of sex then the other person refuses to talk about it.

Also people say to divorce or leave...I'm a mother, there was no cheating in my relationship and it took me a very long time to leave a bad relationship, but when I did end the relationship I knew for a fact that when I left that I would get full custody of my kids. If there had been a risk that I wouldn't have got to keep my kids or had to become a weekend parent then I would not have been able to end the relationship and I would have had no choice but to stay in it.

So I assume some men feel the same and that can stop them from ending it in some cases.

I think serial monogamy sets a better example to your children in that it shows them you won't settle for less. To me an open marriage is settling for less, but preferable to one or both partners lying and cheating certainly. But personally I would much rather grow old with a man who adores me than a man with whom my relationship was over long ago

But personally I would much rather grow old with a man who adores me than a man with whom my relationship was over long ago

Oh God, definitely! I divorced because I wasn't happy limping along in a half life. But not everyone feels comfortable doing that. I suppose until I was in their shoes, I don't feel right being cut and dried about it. If I had their life, may be I would do the same, who knows?

I Think some people also choose that being together for the kids as a family is more important to them than setting the example. I suppose maybe their kids don't know they have settled for less?

I did read some research ages ago which blew the whole "two separate happy parents are better than two miserable ones together" out of the water. The research found that unless their was some form of abuse in the marriage, that the children were always worse off if the parents split than if they stayed together.

Cant remember where the research was, but it was eye opening about the effects of splits on kids. Yet I divorced anyway, as I knew ex and I would coparebt well together and could make it a smooth transition for DD.

If I couldn't have guaranteed that we would be financially ok and that I could have had majority custody and kept the house, for stability for her, I think I would perhaps still be married.

The knowledge that custody will automatically go to the woman, I am sure, is a major driver into why many more woman initiate divorce than men

In humans we are subject to habituation. You will eat more revels than maltesers in a sitting. You get used to the taste of the maltesrs, which all taste the same, quicker and rewards becomes less. Revels constantly change taste and so you gain more pleasure from them and continue to eat them.

I think the same happens in relationships and we'd have more varied, and rewarding relationships, if people had multiple lovers (Revels) at the same time.

Can you ever stop people cheating 100%? No, of course not. As long as there is reward some people will do it. Even the opening book of the Bible, Genesis, is about people cheating (eating the apple) due to temptation.

I do think reconising monogamy as merely a subset of the rich breadth of human relationships would give people more fufilling relationships and that would naturally lead to less cheating.

The numbers are stark. 9% of mammals are monogamous, 29% of primates and before western imperialism 83% of societies were polygnous.

For full disclosure, I myself am in a monogamous 10 year marriage. Of course there are temptations and ups & downs but have been faithful. The opinion I came to is after reading all of the heartbreak on MN and it just became obvious to me, monogamy is to blame in almost all cases.

The trouble is, non-monogamy doesn't mean non-cheating. I know of plenty non-monogamous couples who split up because one partner or the other decided to flout the rules

This. If this were true then all poly couples would be happy. They arent.
Ive known many couples open up their marriages and sleep with others with their partners permission. Guess what happened? one of the partners pushed it a little too far (eg one of the rules was, you can sleep with others but not stay overnight with them) and they split. Humans have a natural tendency to feel jealous and to deny that is to deny primal human nature.

The fact that lots of people could choose a poly lifestyle but dont want to would indicate monogamy isn't as "unnatural" or as "unwanted" as you think it is. Even if cheating became the norm, some people would still push the boundaries even further to get a thrill.

@AlwaysInTroubleAgain 99% of mammals also happily shit on lounge carpets. Does that mean I shouldn’t have bothered toilet training DS?

99% of mammals also happily shit on lounge carpets. Does that mean I shouldn’t have bothered toilet training DS?

Exactly. Where would our species be if we weren't in control of our baseline behaviours. We wouldn't be the most successful animal on this planet.

Maybe instead of society advocating a certain model of relationship, it could become less taboo to have a different kind if that is what works for the couple.

The couples I know of who have opened up the marriage fall into two categories. The first is where one wants to sleep with others, and their partner is less keen but goes along with it to "save" the relationship. Inevitably it goes tits up.

The other sort is where both partners feel the same, and open up their marriage as a means of experiencing more both together (swinging) and individually (polyamory). Their communication tends to be much better and boundaries and rules are respected more.

So does it depend on whether it's a last gasp effort to save the relationship or not?

If a couple do find that monogamy isn't for them, it would probably be helpful if it was more socially acceptable, so that people can build a relstionship that really works for them both and is stable.

@SirChing

I wouldn't believe that research at all, people can kind of prove whatever they want with that kind of research. I mean for every piece of research saying that there will be at least the same amount or more saying that the kids will be happier if the parents are apart.

Also terms like 'worse off' or whatever they used as in the research might not say very much. Perhaps in some cases the children are 'better off' in some ways if the parents stay together, but later down the line in adulthood they have warped views on relationships.

Even non abusive relationships can lead to toxic environments to live in if the couple (or one of the couple) doesn't want to be together.

@user1481840227 It shocked the shit out of me too to be honest. But it was someone like the Joseph Rowntree Foundation who did the study, so a really reliable and respected social research organization.

I am gutted that I can't remember exactly where I read it. It might even have been as part of my Sociology degree. Possibly. Maybe!

Still, I thought exactly the same as you and was very surprised at the outcomes.

@sirching, I'll have a look later on my college library, but I still bet there are so many flaws or different interpretations that could be made if the researchers had approached it from a different angle!

@user1481840227 - ooh do look it up! It's doing my head in now about where it was 😂

See I struggle with that 'children are better off for parents staying together'. My marriage was a very poor model of a relationship. No affection whatsoever. Ex didn't even sleep in our bed. When DP started staying over, youngest was genuinely surprised that he would be sleeping in my bed.

Ex and I were moody and irritable which ultimately got taken outon the children. The whole atmosphere at home was horrible and no abuse at all. There is no way DCs would have been better off in that than they are now.

Whatever the justification/reason/excuse, it’s that their desire for a shag is more important to them in the moment than the relationship they have with their partner.

Cheating is deciding to be the asshole. It’s a deliberate act, not “I tripped over the bags in the hall and my penis accidentally fell into her fanny.” A conscious choice. I’m sick of hearing justifications for it; if you cheated, you’re a dick - own it.

I met a lovely bloke while I was away on a work trip; my DP was back home. It was fairly early days in our relationship and in hindsight all the signs were there that my ex wasn’t really that interested in me and his abusive true colours were starting to show.

Nothing happened with the lovely bloke I met, which I regret to this day. I carried on in that miserable relationship for another year and a half, more fool me. Lesson learned.

Lack of fulfilling sex

My weak point above is that cheating is never right, but I’m not going to condemn someone for behaving like that.

Interesting point about children being better off if couples stay together unless there is abuse, cheating is abuse, it's emotional abuse

I dont like all the animal analogies. We aren't animals. If we all relied on our lizard brain and base animal primal instincts then we'd murder love rivals, rape (many animals rape their mates), physically hit whomever we took a dislike to, steal whenever we felt like it, never show up to work, break laws, etc it would be total anarchy. Its very disingenuous to say we should follow social norms when it comes to every other behaviour except sex.

As other pope have mentioned, managing our baseline behaviours is what enables us to have a functioning society so I dont hold to this "we're just animals so do whatever you feel like!" theory.

Also, if monogamy is so unhealthy then how does that account for failed poly relationships? In most marriages I have seen that have "opened up" its rarely both of them that want it equally. Its usually one pushing to open up the marriage and the other reluctantly going along with it in order to hang onto their partner.

Its usually one pushing to open up the marriage and the other reluctantly going along with it in order to hang onto their partner

Firstly I’m amazed that you know so many couples in Poly relationships for you be able to generalise so much about them. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a single one. Secondly what you describe is not really a true Poly or open relationship is it? It’s one persons last ditch attempt to hang onto their partner. ( would that person choose monogamy?).It really needs to be entered into willingly by both people. Finally I don’t think you can argue for monogamy based on a few cases that of open relationships that have failed while simultaneously ignoring the data for the failure of monogamous relationships. If 50% fail and a significant proportion fail as a result of infidelity ( no idea of the figures) then you can zone in on individual cases and say this person has no morals or you can take it as a group as a whole and say for this group of people marriage was not the right thing. That doesn’t even take into account the numbers of people who are not divorced who are unfaithful but who have either not been caught or who have remained together afterwards. Given the amount of people I know who are married and who are or who have been unfaithful I would say that figure is fairly significant.

The reason there is more data for monogamous relationships is because they are "the norm". If poly relationships were "the norm" then there would be plenty of data showing failure there too. Thinking that if you just allowed people to have sex with anyone means their relationships would be high quality indicates a basic lack of understanding about humans.

If monogamy is so awful then why do so many people choose it? or expect it? Or, why are so many people devastated when their partners want to sleep with others? Surely if poly is the way to go then everyone would be happy to open up their relationship but they arent- why is that? and yes, where I live there are a LOT of unconventional relationships so I see it in action a lot.

Its interesting that on this thread people are using affairs to indicate that monogamy doesnt work. But on another affair thread, people are saying they dont regret their affair because they are now with the "love of their life" whom they are now monogamous with. Why is that then? surely, if monogamy was the problem they wouldnt have settled with the person they had the affair with would they? they would just keep on and on cheating...

I don't think monogamy in itself is the problem.
Maybe long term or life long monogamy can be difficult though, especially if both people in the relationship haven't tried to nurture the relationship. Most people want intimacy, affection, to feel desired, appreciated etc.

If your partner doesn't desire you or touch you or meet your emotional needs, and the person stays stuck in that relationship and doesn't get their needs met elsewhere they are generally miserable (affairs still tend to make people miserable anyway though I suppose).

I have no experience with polygamy, but I wonder do people nurture their relationships more because there's some healthy competition for the affection? or maybe some think well thank God he/she has another partner to have sex with because I really don't want to anymore lol

There simply is no excuse to cheat. It’s a personality trait, poor moral compass, lack of respect for their partner, selfish, entitlement and insecurity. Most people I know who have cheated have an inability to ‘Be alone’ they bounce from one relationship to another.

People who cheat like to minimise, blame shift because they know what that cheating is wrong, they come out with every excuse maintain their image. There simply is no excuse for it.

I have plenty of opportunities to cheat throughout my life, but never done it..why? Because I have empathy, I know what pain and hurt it would cause my partner. If a relationship wasn’t working I would simply end it. If it’s a more serious relationship then try everything to make it work, if you can’t then leave.

I like the previous post that some mentioned that It’s not that they don’t like/love their DP’s it’s that they don’t live themselves.

@fannycraddock72,
There's a difference between excuses and explanations.

It's not simply poor moral compass, it's like when people say that people commit crimes because they're 'born evil'!