Why do people cheat?

[LiquidGold20]

I read something once that people who cheat do it because they don't like the person they've become. They've lost themselves along the way somehow. They've turned into a bad version of themselves and they cheat to try and get back to where they want to be. I'd be interested to hear from people who are currently having an affair, or who have done in the past - no judgement from me. What were the underlying reasons for it?

I cheated on my chemistry test when I was 14...subsequently I was put on the top set, the following term as a result of getting 98%. I was completely out of my depth and was soon put down to a lower set. I learnt my lesson at a young age.

My sister cheated and gave the reason that she felt invisible in her marriage. I just think she’s insecure, selfish and has an unhealthy need for attention. I do think she has some narcissistic traits, I also think her husband was a bit of an empath/people pleaser who put others needs before his own.

Other than that I think she has a poor moral compass, entitled, selfish and insecure. Needless to say I have little to do with her these days. Very sad.

For women : lots of complex reasons, including feelings connected to self-esteem, validation, security etc etc.

For men : opportunism in the vast majority of cases, plus lack of regular sex in their marriage / relationship.

I know several people.... one woman has been with a number of guys ( probably one of those was serious) I think it’s about seeking validation that she’s still attractive as she turns 50, one guy in his 50s and has a high sex drive and his wife isn’t interested ( he’s been caught having an affair about 3 years ago but he’s seeing someone now sporadically) one woman is in her 40s and has been sexless for 8 years in her marriage and is just looking for a FWB, one guy in his early 40s is an opportunist and has a “ life is short “ type of attitude will have sex when working away, another guy also early 40s seems to have “ settled” with his wife and has had a couple affairs... one who he fell in love with. His wife found out about one of them but still married him. One guy late 40’s is mostly faithful apart from the BJ he got at work....the guy mid 50s who propositioned a single woman ( colleague) early 30’s who unsurprisingly was not interested, a single woman 40 in a relationship of sorts with a married colleague who only really contacts her when he wants to get off ( BJ in the toilets at various bars) but won’t actually shag her so she actually gets nothing. I think we can definitely chalk that up to low self esteem. I mean where shall I stop? .... apart from the first one these are all my colleagues OP.

I know of 3 cases.

1, unhappy marriage at an end, clearly heading for that split, 1 unexpectedly had their head turned and it was the push they needed to finally end the marriage.

2, exit planned from long term very unhappy relationship, head was turned, again unexpectedly which ruined the exit planned. Exited sooner to be the other person.

3, unhappy marriage, needs not being met despite conversations, stuck it out anyway, unexpectedly had head turned, marriage ended.

None of these scenarios were long drawn out affairs. No one was getting off on sneaking around or a thrill from it. They were all exit affairs from very unhappy relationships (no they aren't all me). They were the push that was needed to end things, every time.

Oh and every single one of those were sexless. Not a coincidence.

I don' t think the person who cheats necessarily goes out to hurt their partner but events, lust, attraction and excitement just take over

But surely anyone with an ounce of self-reflection would realise that pursuing that attraction once you've clocked it - as opposed to saying "Woah! Danger!" and running away - is going to inevitably hurt their partner regardless?

The only ways in which they wouldn't are:

a) They think they'll never find out - so they're foolish and naive.
b) They "can't help themselves" - in which case, they have poor self-control and have boundary issues.

Speaking of cases where its a relationship that's not abusive or sexless or on the point of death anyway, of course.

• Ego boost!
• Opportunity for sex & horny
• Excited by doing something 'wrong'
• Escapism
• Lack of respect for partner

I had an affair, because I wanted to feel attractive, desired, loved.

It gave me the confidence to end my marriage, altho my affair ended just prior.

I don't regret it. That's probably horrible to say as I have hurt my DH, and one day I'll have to explain it to my children.

I think ultimately it comes down to your own self worth, esteem and maturity ...for some cheating is inconceivable and for others no big deal ..I know men who get regular satisfying sex but if the opportunity arises they will still cheat because within their circle of friends they get cudos for being the "man" ...when their main relationship crashes they inevitably blame the partner who dumps them for not realising it was just a bit of fun.
Personally I could never cheat and never understand anyone who doesn't just end one relationship before starting another...even via text ..no excuses

1.because they're not happy with the person they're with but haven't quite got to a place they feel able to leave.

1. Because they don't care about anyone but themselves. Likely highly narcissistic

My therapist explained this so excellently and simply .
They cheat because they are unhappy in themselves.
Is is such a simple yet meaningful statement.
They are unhappy with who they are. Not with the spouse ,not with the children, not with the home life , not with myriad other reasons and excuses they use to blame any outside influence that they can pin it on.
They cheat because they are deeply unhappy people , within. They are unfulfilled by themselves , By anything that conventionally brings joy.. family, hobbies, financial comfort .. take your pick.
Looking inward and being truthful that they have an empty hole where happiness And fulfilment and contentment lives is too much ch of a raw and painful reality so it is easier to creat a narrative whereby the usual excuses are rolled out.. boredom, lack of sexual/ ego stroking/ being nagged etc etc.
They are simply deeply unhappy unfulfilled with themselves . I am so pleased I understand this now amd I hope it gives at least one person some comfort when he or she has been told( no1 excuse) that the reason the spouse cheated was his/ her fault .

My ex husband had an affair because a) we went through an incredibly traumatic experience as a family caused by a member of my family and that we couldn't discuss with anyone but each other, which gave him violent nightmares and he just wanted to escape and b) at the same time I was caring for my terminally I'll father and he felt (was) neglected.

Tbh, it's easy to say he shouldn't have done it but our lives had just become managing our emotions around the thing that happened and my dad and, tbh, I can't really say that I blame him.

I have cheated on every single life partner I have had. As I get older I look back and often ask myself this question. My mum had an affair when I was about 10 and I was the one to find out. I had to keep that secret all my life as she begged me not to tell my dad. I think this affected me greatly looking back.

I have then gone on to do it myself many times despite hating her for what she made me do. Why would I do that?

I have never been totally happy with myself and with my life. I always have the feeling of disappointment in how my life has turned out. I feel like I deserve more than I have had and this maybe makes me go seeking thrills elsewhere. I have always found the actual act of cheating a real anti climax. It’s the build up that got me going.

As I get older I do it less as opportunity becomes less frequent and looks fade but i know that if someone showed any interest in me that way I would no doubt revert to type.

Not sure that answers the question but maybe gives some insight.

I had no plans to cheat. I’d not long been divorced and I’d met this guy at the school gates. Our children attended the same dance class so he’d pop up there too.
It was literally boom! My tummy started fluttering every time I saw him.
He knew I was single.
It was a long time before I agreed to see him.

We fell in love. 12 years later I finished with him. I was ready to move on.
My children are all grown up now and I was ready to spread my wings.
He knew this was on the horizon.
Were still best of friends today.

Sorry thecoalbucket but your therapist is talking crap. That may be the case for some, maybe even a majority, but it certainly wasn't the case for me. I was desperately unhappy with my husband and what my life had become, the drudgery of wife and mother and little more. That's also all he ever saw me as, as he saw describing me as a great wife and mother as huge compliments and these were the only compliments I (rarely) got. Not until I met someone else who despaired at this and made me see I was so much more did I realise how little my ex saw in me. Our marriage was nothing more than a brother/sister relationship for many many years. I blamed myself for most of how it was. Only when we split and I changed overnight did I realise it really wasn't all me at all. Yes I had been unhappy but it really was with my spouse and my home life and in turn what that was doing to the DCs. Now I've moved on, I've become the person I had been suppressing instantly. And it was only after ending the marriage that I realised how much I'd suppressed myself. So no, my exit affair (and it was very brief, talking days) was not as a result of unhappiness with myself, but of the situation I felt trapped in.

Interesting points Anon98765 and cheater 67. I think you're right on both accounts - perhaps cheating can be learnt behaviour from parents and also as Anon98765 mentioned, you want to be seen as someone else, not the person or the role you find yourself in (i.e. the drudgery of the wife, and the mother and nothing else.) I do also agree with the posters who picked up on the lure or the thrill, of an illicit encounter, outside the humdrum normality of marriage/long-term partnership.
I know a female colleague at work who is in her early 40's, and is cheating on her husband with a young man aged 25 in our office. In her case, I believe it is all about low self-esteem and seeking validation from an outside source. She is a very attractive woman and wants others to notice this (which clearly the young man does!) I also think she loves her husband and would never leave him, so could also be about some excitement and escapism.

Just for the thrill,

In the absence of abuse, affairs generally happen when a person has means, motive and opportunity. Combined with a broken moral compass - especially when it comes to long affairs - which can be a character flaw or a learned behaviour (eg from a parent who had an affair)

Some people are very unhappy and have low self esteem due to being in a sexless relationship.
Some of those people probably wouldn't cheat if they felt desired from time to time.
Unpopular opinion i'm sure but I think it's true.

Of course people think they should just leave, but where I live the woman generally gets full custody of the children. I left my ex for a different reason (no cheating at all!!). I knew that if I left there was no risk at all that I would lose custody of my kids. I knew I wouldn't have to be a weekend parent. If there was a chance that I could have lost custody then I would have felt like I had no choice but to stay in the relationship until the kids were grown up.

So for some men in particular, if their relationship is sexless (and it's not their choice) then some of them might feel like it's very unfair that they have to move out of the family home, stick to weekend visits etc. just because they also want to have some sex in their life!

I think the myth of having low self esteem that leads to cheating is cleated to help the other party of the relationship deal with the situation. It removes any suggestion that the state of the relationship can have something to do with it all.
People in sexless relationships, for example - don’t necessarily have a low self esteem. They often just have an unmet need. And rather then suffering quietly, or breaking up their kids families - they chose a more pragmatic way of dealing with that.
Then there are opportunistic cheaters - who are different from many people and compartmentalise sex vs love/attachment. Their way of looking at life isn’t accepted by society, so instead of fighting it, or finding like minded swingers you marry - they hide it and hope for the best - and often get away with It...
Then there are people in unhappy marriages - of many sorts, not just sexually. They often miss human connection and aren’t able to leave, at least in the short term.
Then, of course there is a special office Xmas party subgroup,
Etc

I had an affair as I was deeply unhappy at home. I was unhappy and the affair partner made me feel like myself again, happier at times (but the lows were very low), wanted and desired.
I'm not proud of it at all, I think he came into my life to make me realise my relationship couldn't continue as it was but it gave me the balls to leave it.

For me, so many reasons.

I'd had a big change in my life and was questioning who I was and what I wanted.

I was bored with my partner and wanted that feeling of excitement.

Then someone turned up who charmed me, made me feel exciting and fun and interesting and told me I was brilliant.

I didn't have a full blown affair but came very close and did cheat.

The thing is, I love my partner and our relationship is so much better. We're happy together and we adore each other but there's still a niggle there that I could cheat on him. Not saying I would but the temptation is there.

That sounds awful, I know and I wish I didn't feel like that.

I was quite judgmental when I was younger and very black and white about infidelity but I realise that relationships are far more complex than I realised in my 20s. Maybe long term monogamy isn't the right thing for everyone and we should all feel more able to pursue relationships that work for them and those they are with. There definitely needs to be more open and honest conversations.

Because you don't love / respect your partner enough not to, because if you did genuinely love and/or respect them you wouldn't be able to do it. You would end the relationship lovingly and respectfully before starting the new relationship. You wouldn't lie, cheat and gaslight to get your needs met with no consideration for your partner's needs and feelings. And the second reason is because you're with the wrong partner but you're too much of a coward to be upfront about it, end it, and start a genuine, loving relationship with someone else, so instead you try to have your cake and eat it by lying to one partner and stringing the other along. But the truth - about what a selfish, narcissistic, lying, cheating coward you really are - will out, and it's worth remembering that cheats never prosper

Liquid Gold

Totally get you, and this is probably true.

But as the wife who is being dumped on? It is pretty much unbearable. The projection????? Beyond endurance.

He was fucking OW and telling me how terrible I was... We live in very high society.

We went go to SSSSS (public names) dinner parties

Whose personality prevails? MINE. Those billionaire politician Huge Name people respond to? Me. My education, my interests, my personality.

He is nowhere. The personality of a shower sponge.

But when you are being ground down daily, it eventually grinds you down.

I try to be a good person. But that abuse and projection gets you after a while.

@Stillsexystillsingle

Thing is - the ‘if you genuinely loved/respected your partner you’d never’.... has a long long list of things, yet people on MN disproportionately focus and demonise just one act....
In real long term relationships a lot of things go on, at times that this statement applies to. And people are often stuck - finances, intertwined families, power struggles, emotional dependencies, children - all of these bind people. And often those binds are not as easy to break over.
A woman who stays in an unhappy marriage so that her kids can have a full family - and has an affair on the side to keep feeling sane and a little more human - is not a coward. It takes a lot of strength to so that.

You see the world in black and white. Life is rarely that simple.