Why do people cheat?

[LiquidGold20]

I read something once that people who cheat do it because they don't like the person they've become. They've lost themselves along the way somehow. They've turned into a bad version of themselves and they cheat to try and get back to where they want to be. I'd be interested to hear from people who are currently having an affair, or who have done in the past - no judgement from me. What were the underlying reasons for it?

Well, you say potato, I say patato..or however the saying goes ... there are so many cheating apologists out there.. you say strong, I say weak.. doesn't change the fact she's a liar and lying to someone she's made vows to .. and as far as the children go, they would be far better off with two separated parents living their lives honestly and happily than two parents staying together living dishonestly and miserably let's be honest most aren't staying for the kids they're staying for the lifestyle and the money and because they lack the courage to live their lives honestly

And why is it ok to break the other vowels? The ones about respect and love?
Spouses who mistreat the others, ignore them passively, or worse actively aggressive towards them? Spouses withholding affection - physical or emotional?

There are many vowels that need to be upheld in a relationship for it to function.
Once one side breaks some of them - for eg in an abusive relationship - I don’t see why the other side still has to uphold theirs. Effectively the balance is broken.
Sex isn’t the one and only - and not necessarily the most important component of the marriage. I see all of the various bits as playing an important part in a functioning relationship.
Some people - you for example - seem to only focus on one component of the relationship.

‘Vows’ - IPhone 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a previous poster has already said if there is abuse in the marriage then the cheating can be more easily understood but they would still be better to get away from the marriage completely, as soon as they feel strong enough and safe enough to do so

I think you must be pretty empty inside to cheat on your partner.

Get a hobby if you're feeling unfulfilled. Why jump in to bed with another person?

I understand it can be very scary to leave especially if you're on the receiving end of abuse but you're so much better off when you just bite the bullet and do it and so are your kids maybe not in the short term but definitely in the long term and if you're in a really bad situation there are organisations that can help you to leave and keep you and your kids safe

I haven't had an affair but know several men who have. To be honest, what they have all had in common is that they loved their wives but their wives had decided they no longer wanted sex. The men didn't want to leave their wives in case things ever improved, and certainly didn't want to leave their kids.

In both the men I am thinking of, both wives wouldn't enter into discussion about the lack of sex and expected the men to put up with it.

One of the men had an affair, told his wife three months later, and left. He was with the OW for 17 years until she ended it.

The other man was found out, wife still won't discuss it or go to relate and still refuses to acknowledge the role that lack of sex played. It is breaking his heart but he is planning to leave.

So very often I think it is a too bad to tolerate as it is but too good to leave thing.

My partner decided he was too tired for sex and hitting his reading target on Goodreads was more important than my sexual needs.

But yes, I guess your theory could work too ;)

Staying and cheating is never about loving another person it's purely about self interest. If you loved your partner you wouldn't cheat - although you might still leave - and if you loved the ow or om you would leave your partner. It's really quite simple loving another person means wanting what's right and best for them and putting their needs before your own. Lying to them and cheating on them doesn't come into it really

most aren't staying for the kids they're staying for the lifestyle and the money

That's really not true in an awful lot of situations. What you are also forgetting is that if, for example, one person suddenly refuses to have sex, but won't discuss it, won't go to relate, and just expect the partner to put up with it, then they habe made a unilateral decision within what should be a partnership. This is fundamentally changing the terms of the marriage without the others consent.

The other person may well still love their partner dearly, and not want to take their children away from their other parent, simply so they can have their own sexual needs met. Many people feel like it's a selfish and shallow reason to break up a family that they love.

But that doesn't take away a human's need for sex.

In those situations, the person refusing sex can hardly say they haven't contributed to the other having an affair.

Having a pissed up one night stand could well mean that a partner is an opportunistic twat. Having an affair - something is wrong in the relationship. And it takes two to sort that out.

If you loved your partner you wouldn't cheat

That is a totally naive view which doesn't reflect the reality and complexity of relationships.

I too used to be as black and white as you. The older I get, the more I realise that the nuances and shades of grey are everything.

You do know it's possible to love two people at once in slightly different ways?

you do know it's possible to love two people at once in slightly different ways?

In your opinion.

I'm not young nor green about the gills, yet I believe quite strongly that nobody needs to cheat; it's a conscious, selfish decision. Those that do, I don't believe for one second they love their partner as much as they claim to. Relationships can be complex and nuanced, but love doesn't need to be. It can be simple and honest and respectful; you simply have to make the choice.

And what about the prolific cheaters who have several affairs, some lasting a couple of years, whist procuring a marriage and family life by deception. Are we supposed to fell sorry for them?

What you said @FudgeBrownie2019 @SirChing to me if the person in the situation you describe loved their partner they would discuss their need for sex with other people and then together they could make a decision to open the marriage or to end it. It's the deceit that shows a lack of love and respect for their partner, not the physical act . I maintain that most people are just too cowardly to actually have that conversation with their partner, it's so much easier just to cheat on them instead

The problem with the talking to your partner and agreeing to open up the marriage or split theory, is that very few partners would agree to that, which would lead to a split. And lots of people who have affairs love their spouse very much and their family and life, and they don't want to split.

By the logic of the blanket condemners on here, so that the adults can say they are being "principled", the marriage has to end. The fact that this may cause untold distress to the children, the children only seeing one of their parents at weekends, the loss of thr family home, possible poverty - all that is ok as long as one adult isn't "immoral" by having an affair that they probably don't want, if their wife would just have sex occasionally.

Why is putting children through all of that more morally acceptable than an adult having a discreet affair? In one scenario the only people affected are the adults, and perhaps the children if the affair is exposed, in the other scenario, the children are definitely affected.

As for IMO some people can love more than one person at once in slightly different ways - it's to be bloody hope so otherwise the kids of parents with more than one child are screwed!

We all love different people in our lives in different ways. Lots of people feel able to love more than one partner intimately. It's too cut and dried to say "if he loves her he can't love me". Because very often it isn't true.

I get that that might be a terrifying concept for lots of people, but it doesn't make it less true. People don't always behave well to people they love. If they did, teenagers would never be shits to their parents.

The myth that people can't love some one that they cheat on is so corrosive. I have seen it counselling people countless times. It's a myth we tell ourselves "he loves me so he would never cheat". It gives us an illusion of control. But an illusion is all it is.

Please don't get me wrong - I don't advocate cheating as a good thing to do at all. I simply think that blanket condemnation and black/white thinking is naive and doesn't reflect the realities of the reasons why people, who seek intimacy outside their primary relationship, choose to do so.

thecoalbucket
My therapist says, "They cheat because they are unhappy in themselves".

Sorry, but I think that's just sop to make the client feel better. Having an affair is always the cheater's fault but it's nonsense to think that relationship dynamics play no part in the why of it happening.

I've been on both sides, having an affair and the cheated on partner - I was single when I had the affair, it was selfish and I wouldn't repeat it. I didn't have it because I was 'unhappy in myself' though. I don't know why he did it, he had family and was ostensibly happy and respected.

As the cheated on partner I wouldn't have respected a therapist that just slathered on trite whitewash, I'd have expected more as a client who was trying to repair and recover. It's not about the cheater being unhappy in themselves, they cheat because they have no respect for their spouse any longer and however much people like to believe that this isn't true - the cheater don't love them any longer either. People who love their spouses do not cheat; nothing would induce them to do that.

I agree with SirChing about illusion of control though and thinking about it, perhaps it is possible for people to love more than one person; people who are excellent at compartmentalising can do this so I'll revise my post ^^ to remove the black and white, 'cheaters don't love their spouses'. Maybe they do. They certainly don't respect them though.

In no particular order -

1. Validation due to low self-esteem

1. Poor inhibition control

1. They have serious issues with the relationship which they feel unable to talk about

1. Quite similar to point 3 - They're unfulfilled in an important way and have given up on the idea that will be resolved any time soon.

1. Revenge

1. They don't respect or love their partner

Like anything else there are numerous reasons.

Some like the thrill of the chase and genuinely don't care who they hurt.

Some people fall out of love but don't want to hurt the person by telling them that, or stay for the children.

Some fall in love with someone else it believe they're being kinder to hide it than tell their spouse.

Some make a drunken mistake.

Some find a release from an unhappy home life or support for a difficult work life

Most often, I'd say its a combination of several of these and that things do genuinely "just happen".

I'd have found it much harder to accept that good people have affairs when I was younger but I do believe that in many cases now.

Escapism and being or feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Lust.

Proper overwhelming sexual attraction is the life force that keeps the world turning.

Not recommending it but that’s why.

Exactly @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and the problem with what you say for me @SirChing is your infantilisation of the woman in the scenario you describe by being lied to her choice to stay or to go is taken away she is being gaslighted and kept in the marriage under false pretences by a man who sees her as inferior to him and thinks he and he alone knows what's best for her and her children, and thinks that's keeping her in a sham marriage. If she knew the reality of her situation she might well want to make a different choice. 'People don't always behave well to people they love' Well personally I would be choosing a man who treated me well over a man who didn't, every time. I also feel you're trying to infantilise those of us who disagree with you by calling us naive. We're adult women, there's no naivety here.

People mainly cheat because of a faulty moral compass and a lack of respect for the person they are with

This. There is a moment that happens before cheating when the cheater has a window of opportunity to stop it, to talk to their partner and try to fix things, OR they could end it or leave/divorce. Having an affair is a cowardly way of avoiding issues in a marriage and taking the easy route to cheap sex as a bandaid. Its treating neither the partner OR the other person with respect. They are also treating the person they are having an affair with like a kleenex they can use whenever they feel like it and discard when they feel like it. Neither party in this scenario is being treated with respect or dignity.

I don't think that calling someone who cheats selfish is actually condemning them at all. It's just defining the behaviour and cheating is the very definition of a selfish act.

I also agree that those who feel there are valid reasons to cheat calling those of us who don't believe in those reasons 'naive' is a little patronising. I'm not a child, I'm not stupid and have lived plenty long enough to know that cheating happens and is a part of life. I also know as a married person that it's something you can absolutely opt out of if you feel strongly enough.

Ex cheated and we broke up over it. No big drama; we get on well and co-parent brilliantly - there's no bad blood between us and I'm too lazy to hold a grudge. But the reason he gave for cheating? I'd had DS1 and wasn't paying him as much attention (which in truth is an excuse not a reason - and you can find an excuse for anything if you're desperate/horny enough). He hadn't wanted to tell me, didn't know how etc, so went out and had sex repeatedly with an ex, then acted surprised and affronted when I found out and ended things because he thought he was doing our relationship a favour by cheating. There's nothing noble about shitting on someone you're meant to treat kindly, however you word it, and the older I get the more I think people just bullshit to get their way out of selfish behaviours instead of owning them.