Why do people cheat?

[LiquidGold20]

I read something once that people who cheat do it because they don't like the person they've become. They've lost themselves along the way somehow. They've turned into a bad version of themselves and they cheat to try and get back to where they want to be. I'd be interested to hear from people who are currently having an affair, or who have done in the past - no judgement from me. What were the underlying reasons for it?

@Stillsexystillsingle Being naive doesn't mean being infantile. If I meant that, that is the word I would have used.

Would "idealised and unrealistic" sound better? Because that's what I am effectively meaning.

Why do you get the impression that the man things the woman is inferior to him in those circumstances? Very often, a partner is trying not to hurt the other. That is nothing to do with inferiority.

And I totally agree with you regarding the gaslighting and denying the partner the choice - which is why I wouldn't have an affair. But the OP was about why they happen. I gave my view as to that. It doesn't mean I approve of it or approve of all the associated deception. Again, that is very black and white thinking.

There is never an excuse or reason to cheat. Threads relating to cheats pop up on mumsnet multiple times a week, I have read all sorts of lame excuses and justifications. None of them have ever been good.

People cheat out of selfishness and lack of respect for themselves and others. They then create a justification to make what they did acceptable because they were too gutless to just end it. I really think many of them lie so much they really believe themselves. But their constant excuses and justifying just makes them look foolish.

None of them have ever been good

100% agree. Most of the threads ive seen on here are very victim blaming when it comes to cheating. eg "they werent happy in their marriage!" etc Ok, well how does that explain them cheating on every bloody partner they've ever had then? it was every partner's fault I suppose? they must have been unhappy for 2 decades

@SirChing he is treating the woman as though she is inferior to him by taking away her right to choose and by not giving her the full picture. He is not treating her as an equal, adult partner. He is treating her more like you might a child. And I don't think it's unrealistic, idealistic or naive to say so it's just a fact. It's interesting that cheating often goes hand in hand with domestic violence the same problems are at the root of both, a partner who wants to control the other and a partner who does not value or respect the other as their equal

I totally agree that it is taking away the partner's capacity to choose for themselves. Which is why, I repeat, I am not advocating or condoning it. I am merely saying WHY some people do it.

I disagree that taking away the partner's right to choose is always based on a motive of disrespect. Often, the affair is over, and telling the partner would gain nothing except to ease their conscience and cause hurt to their spouse.

Again, I am NOT saying that is the right choice to make, but it is a choice that some believe is kinder to their partner, and doesn't come from a desire to rob the partner of agency, even if that is the end result.

People cheat because ultimately monogamy doesn't work. The vast majority of problems on this forum come from the unsuitability of monogamy for human relationships.

Sure there are times when people may well want to become monogamous & exclusive + some people may actually choose it indefinitely. But, unfortunately, monogamy ill fits humans as this forum demonstrates over, and over, and over again.

They might think that, but its delusional.

So, you make vows to be faithful to someone. Have kids with them. Then cheat on them, lie to cover it up, lie to their face about "working late", use cash to prevent your hotel bills appearing on your credit card statement, reassure them when they ask you whats wrong, more lies etc
THEN, to "protect their feelings" about something that YOU did, you choose not to tell them purely out of "love" for them?

What BS. Its self preservation, not an act of sacrifice and altruism on their part.

Well yes I can see that, but even if the affair is over, and even if not telling the partner comes from a desire not to hurt them, the marriage is already over because the couple are now living a lie, it can never go back to being the marriage it once was when there was love, respect, equality, trust, transparency and honesty. And the longer a person can get away with a lie for, the less respect they will have for the other person and the more emotionally distant from them they will feel and the more likely they are to cheat again because why not, they got away with it last time, and the more of a sham the marriage becomes

Its self preservation, not an act of sacrifice and altruism on their part

I agree. But this isn't your or my opinion we are talking about. This is about why cheaters cheat. And the choices they make and why. Lots of them do see it as altruism. Particularly if it was a one might stand that they feel terrible about.

It's not surprising, surely, that people with different moral codes behave in different ways for different reasons? It's possible for two people to view the same scenario in two different ways. You may not agree with their stance, but that doesn't mean that they don't have it.

@Stillsexystillsingle In your opinion. From the perspective of someone who wouldn't be unfaithful. This thread isn't about what you or I would do. It's about why people who DO cheat, do so.

I am not quite sure why people are struggling so much with the concept that different people have different ways of viewing things.

But this isn't your or my opinion we are talking about

True. Fair point. I can see how someone might convince themselves they are doing the "right thing" by not telling. Coincidentally, it also just happens to be the "easiest thing" - easier to brush something under the carpet than drag it out in to the open, let it explode and let the cards fall where they may.

@AlwaysInTroubleAgain To an extent I agree with you.

Given that we all grow and change, and that people live such long lives now, there does perhaps need to be a reframing of things.

If monogamy was no longer a desirable thing in our society, would there be fewer issues? I don't know. I suspect we would just swap them for others.

But it comes from a place of disrespect, this idea that the wife cannot handle the truth or the reality and therefore she should be lied to..no wonder so many relationships fail.. for a good marriage, a good relationship, a good sex life, these conversations need to be had and both parties need to be honest and need to treat each other with respect. You cannot truly bond with another person without being truly honest with them about who you really are, you cannot have a fulfilling sex life without being truly honest with your partner about what for you that would involve. Women are not children, or objects, or status symbols, or their partners mothers , and we do want to be able to bond with men fully emotionally and sexually, but for that to happen it requires complete honesty and vulnerability from the man , and cheating and then lying about it is the exact opposite of that

This is why they say cheats never prosper I guess by being greedy and trying to have their cake and eat it all they are actually doing is sabotaging their own chances of ever being in a full, real, loving relationship.. but they are also sabotaging their husbands or wife's chances too and their lovers and that's whats not ok. They are welcome to screw their own chances up as much as they want who cares really

I think it’s hard to consistently give someone the kind of special attention we all crave throughout every stage of life. Kids, career, house, fitness and health, hobbies, socialising, we all have busy, busy lives and it’s hard to keep one person your romantic, emotional, sexual focus with all of that going on, it ends up being up and down.

I like to think dh and I adore each other and our relationship is solid but sometimes I’m aware I’m preoccupied and not giving him enough of my time and making him feel important, equally sometimes I’m aware that he’s been off doing his own thing a lot and I need more attention and care from him. We are both busy, active, vaguely attractive people - if the wrong person presented an opportunity at a weak point, it could happen. You just have to hope everyone understands a relationship can’t be roses and butterflies every day, keeps their wits about them and things hold strong. Lots of people are fallible, I see it happen all the time.

I think that many couples settle. They may be unfulfilled, coasting along and then one or other has their head turned by 'what might have been' (in their mind).

It's not easy to leave a marriage and I think less easy still if you're a man as you will almost certainly lose the ability to see your children every day, engage with them in family life. And that's your choice. Stay in the marriage and potter along, unfulfilled, or jump out and take the shit-storm that follows.

I absolutely agree with SirChing regarding monogamy, it was for a different time and the number of known affairs bears that out. There are bound to be others that nobody ever finds out. I can understand and agree with the point about keeping silent; 'what the eyes doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve after' kind of philosophy. I'm not saying it's right but that's the question being asked... why people cheat. Because they can and some can do so successfully and will never be caught, so what's been lost (for them)?

In a weird way, the traditional upper class model of marriage is strangely more realistic than the current views on monogamy.

Fidelity until you had finished having children to guarantee parentage, then both parties accepting that lust fades. And with that, the understanding that both parties can take lovers elsewhere, so long as they are discreet about it. But the marriage wouldn't break up because the love, companionship and friendship remained. Apparently this is also the old French way too.

When you think about it, if you both agree to those rules, then it must be quite freeing. Free to pursue lust in the recognition that one person cannot be all things to a person all of the time.

I wonder if those marriages were more or less successful long term? There is certainly an honesty to them.

Actually, isn't that the deal that the Queen and Prince Phillip had? Discretion mattered but fidelity wasn't expected? They are still together a million years later, so it has worked in some form for them.

So basically an open relationship is what you're advocating. Another option is serial monogamy which is the way it's panned out for me, a different partner for different life stages

I'm not advocating it because I don't know if they tend to work. But it means the children and family are stable, both partners don't have to lose their friendship and companionship, and once they both stop being all that interested in sex, they are both still there together.

If they are both happy and the kids are happy, then why not?

The problem with serial monogamy when kids are involved is that the end of each relationship causes new upheaval for them. It may be better for the parents, but perhaps at the expense of the kids?

Because they don't have the desire, or are too cowardly to live an authentic life.

What does high society have to do with the price of fish, ScreamingLadySutch? And what do you mean be 'we went go to dinner parties'?

That aside, people have affairs for all kinds of reasons, OP. Are you writing a newspaper article?

Honestly because the opportunity is there and they want to.
It's as simple as that!
They know it's wrong or hurtful or whatever but they can so they do and to hell with any consequences.

If you are unhappy or bored or whatever you have the ability to change it.
If you are selfish and arrogant and put yourself above everything and everyone else in your life then you cheat.

I absolutely agree with SirChing regarding monogamy, it was for a different time and the number of known affairs bears that out.

The trouble is, non-monogamy doesn't mean non-cheating. I know of plenty non-monogamous couples who split up because one partner or the other decided to flout the rules.

It shouldn't be too surprising: a big part of the thrill of cheating is the naughtiness of the act. The secrecy and illicitness. Have a read of "The Wild Oats Project" to see a real-life account of this in action.

For example, a friend of mine even agreed to an open marriage but then his wife went and got involved with a man who was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. Both of them gaslighted their partners because they knew they'd get in trouble if the truth came out. It did, eventually, and the open marriage became an open divorce. She had the choice of partners aplenty, but it didn't stop her from going behind his back.