Was your affair worth it in the end?

[moomoomummy]

A friend was sharing with me today the extent of the fallout following her affair. The children with anxiety and mental health issues. The messiness of her situation now. So I ask how many of you who are years down the line after an affair. Do you regret it? Would you change the course of events if you could?

I regret the pain caused at the time but don't regret the (very brief) affair. I'm now married to someone I'm in love with, with a little boy I never thought I'd have and who is the light of my life. My very lovely exDH is engaged to a wonderful woman, who I get on well with. Everyone is so much happier and exactly where they were meant to be. I'm still very good friends with exDH. DH's ex was very bitter about it but was happy to separate until she found out he was with someone else. A few years on she appears happy.
It was wrong to have an affair, 100% wrong. But I was married to my best friend and honestly didn't realise I was so unhappy. We hadn't been intimate for years.
People like to paint cheaters as evil, scum only interested in getting their leg over but in real life it's sometimes more complicated. Our affair was not exciting, or fun - it was painful and soul destroying, we're not habitual cheaters and I truly don't believe it's something either of us would repeat. We met up innocently as friends (had been high school sweethearts) as soon as my current DH realised he was still in love with me he ended things with his partner (less than 2wks later). It took me a bit longer but I left about 7wks later.
It took me several years before I could even talk about it without breaking down.

My story is almost identical to Marys- I don't regret it at all and have been very happily married for 20 years
I agree, cheaters are always assumed to be scum who want to get their leg over but it is more complex than that.
So in a nutshell no I dont regret it but will you be hard pushed to find someone (unsurprising ly) who has been cheated on to agree!

I had an affair for over ten years. It suited my life as I had 4 young children as a single parent. As they grew older they knew I was seeing this guy. I didn’t deny it.
Has it affected them? I don’t think so. They didn’t agree with my choice but it enabled me to raise my children with confidence. He was so good to me both emotionally and very supportive. I now have a close knit family. We still are.
Would they do the same? No. I don’t think they would. They disapprove.
I chose to make many sacrifices for my children. It worked for me.
After 12 years I gave him up.
I was ready to move on. I have no regrets. He lives locally and were still really great friends. He still makes me laugh.
Would I go back to him? No. I’ve moved on in my life.
He still tells me he loves me but we just laugh together now.
I could write a book on our lives but the upshot is.. we were so in love. I’m still fond of him and have no regrets.

I regret it in so much as the stress it put his wider family under (very bizarre set of circumstances but they knew from the begining) but not the rest of it - his ex didn't know until a few weeks after they split. It happened for very real reasons and everyone is so much happier now (his children included)

Did any of you who had an affair keep leading your ex on?
Mine cheated and he changes his mind weekly, one minute he’s all cool as a cucumber and the next he’s “confused”.

I don't regret it, no. We have been together 12 years now and are not habitual cheaters. We have been together longer than we both were with previous partners and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Yes. We're celebrating our 10y wedding anniversary this year, and we've just got home from a lovely evening together, where we didn't stop talking and laughing.

Like previous posters our relationship with each other has long outlasted our previous partnerships and we've remained faithful (and yes, I am 100% sure of that).

No kids involved with us, we were in our 20s at the time, though I was pregnant within six months of us leaving our partners.

I regret the hurt we caused our respective partners at the time, but they are both married to other people now, and much happier than they were with us.

If I had my time again, I'd have called time on my engagement as soon as I met my DH, but hindsight is 20:20.

StLucia4
How was it an affair if you were single?

@Fochit I assume he was married?

I was married, had an affair and was cheating on my partner. I am now with the person I was having the affair with and we have been together 10 years and are very much in love.

Irony being, it turned out my partner was also having their own affair at the same time as mine.

@Reb4evaaa read 'The Unified Theory of Cake' for your answer. He wants both of you. One for stability, one for passion.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Thanks for your replies. The fallout I mentioned is actually the death this week of the cheating husband whilst he was away on holiday with the OW. He had denied the affair . He said he was away with mates. So so messy and awful.
People grow apart I get that but the mess that can be created in some circumstances is monumental

I had an affair for over ten years. It suited my life as I had 4 young children as a single parent. As they grew older they knew I was seeing this guy. I didn’t deny it

But if you were a single parent how were you "having an affair?".

The trouble with spouting out the "my ex is now remarried and are much happier line" is washing over the fact you have destroyed someone's trust in other humans forever. And no, you can never, ever be "100%" sure your partner hasn't cheated. That's just insanely naive, sadly.

I had an affair for over ten years. It suited my life as I had 4 young children as a single parent.

Well that's great for you. You arent the one that was married. The one at home being lied to for decade, by someone you should trust.

This is the attitude of most cheaters I cant stand. 'It worked out well for me'. Well, lucky you. You had a good time at other peoples expense. That's great.

What I also dont get is why it takes someone else coming along for people to get their head out of the sand.

I dont think cheaters are entirely bad people. We all do bad stuff and good stuff. Someone who is a good person, cheats and that makes them entirely bad? I don't buy that.

I also understand developing feelings for someone else, it can creep up on you. I have never had an affair, but dp was a friend, I dont remember when my feelings started to change. I just, all of a sudden, realised I loved him. Leaving quickly, is the right thing to do. But actually having a lengthy affair, is shitty and often ends up crossing the line into emotional abuse.

And a major problems in affair is the attitude above. I am ok, so it's tough shit go those impacted by it.

Yes. He was married.
Every affair is different I guess.
I could explain why their marriage wasn’t great and still isn’t but it’s not going to satisfy you so I won’t bother other than they lead separate lives and still do.
It’s life. Its not great for all involved but she’s still happy doing her thing. She chooses to stay married even though their marriage is still very poor. They’re ‘no longer in love’.
I left him in 2015 and nothing has improved for them. So, no. I have no regrets.
My children are very happy as are his. They’re all successful young adults.
I’m sorry if it wasn’t the answer you wanted.

StLucia4
I’m not sure I would class that as you having an affair tbh. He was having the affair and you facilitated it.

He’s obviously still happy doing his thing. He chooses to stay married even though their marriage is still very poor.

I guess that is true for many couples. Certainly I have two friends who are in that situation whereby neither of them can afford to leave or they feel they’re too old to start again so they put up with their crappy relationships and have affairs.
Both couples are now too old to get a mortgage and cannot afford to rent and live the lifestyle they’re accustomed to.

You weren't having an affair though stlucia. You were just the side bit. He was the one having an affair. So you're not relevant to op's question.

I have a different view, my ex constantly tells me he regrets it even though its been 12yrs and he very recently married the then OW who he now has two other children with (we have one). According to him he feels she's his karma and he says he's made his bed so he has to lay in it, he claims to love me etc. He bothered me for years to take him back but i refused.

He says he's unhappy, his mum has told me the same, he's been extremely depressed for a long time now and was on the verge of a breakdown only two years ago (i don't ask them but they both keep telling me which I'd rather not know). However, looking at him and his new family life you'd never think he feels this way and also you'd never know about the abuse he suffers unless he tells you. I'm not actually happy he's in this situation but he did bring it on himself and he destroyed so much of me for something in the end which he constantly regrets (according to him).

Its down to luck like most things sometimes affairs last and are worth it (more compatible, might have grown apart from previous partner etc), sometimes they don't last and other times people just settle for each other.

I don't think my former H now believes that his final affair was worth it but that's more because that green field he leapt into turned out to be choked with weeds of the crippingly financial kind. Not becasue I screwed him - our assets were split about 50/50 - but because he was so up his own arse that he made some breathtakingly stupid financial decisions.

They split up, too.

I don't regret mine, but it's a little different to other stories shared so far.
I didn't have children and I was the one married. The guy I had the affair with had a partner (which he didn't admit to) and a child which I knew about but assumed lived with his 'ex'.

He was incredibly supportive which is something I needed at the time to get me through a stressful work situation and a lot of exams to gain promotion. My exh was jealous I had a better career and tried to drag me down constantly. Our relationship got worse and worse and the other guy tried many times to persuade me to leave.
It wasn't a massively sexual relationship, we didn't see each other outside of work as we didn't live near each other and neither of us drove, and it went on for about 3-4 years on and off. He termed it as feeling like an obsession, like he couldn't be without me in his life. I felt a calm that I've never felt before when I was with him, like he was my soul mate. The way he made me feel made me realise that I hadn't enjoyed being with my exh for years and I was just staying because it was easier.

No one found out about the affair so there was no big drama, no one with hurt feelings etc, no scarred children. I caught my exh several times during my affair trying to cheat on me which he denied (sad, desperate messages on dodgy websites begging strangers to be his fuck buddy, photos of his dick on bisexual websites, wanking online with strangers etc). Eventually, after a huge argument over nothing, he attacked me - I left that night but don't think I'd have had the strength had I not had support from the other bloke.

It was the beginning of the end for my affair too, he was badly affected by the violence against me as he'd always suspected domestic abuse and I'd laughed it off. He thought I had lied and been in a constantly violent relationship but it had been a rarity up to that point. He had issues at work which led to mental health problems and eventually to him walking out of work one day and never coming back. We eventually lost contact and I still miss him, but more as a friend.

It seems to me that we were just a bunch of very sad people in bad places in life, definitely with the wrong people. My exh was in a serious relationship within weeks of the divorce being filed. I had a few shitty relationships which made my marriage seem better in hindsight. Then about 2.5yrs after my divorce I met my DP. He's wonderful and a very caring, understanding person. He knows about the affair I had and trusts me to never cheat again (I definitely wouldn't). We have a baby due soon which is something I would never have considered having with my exh as I want my child to see a settled, loving home and understand what you should have in a relationship. I saw my mum settle for less in shitty relationships and it screwed up my judgement and what I was willing to accept.

Although I don't regret it, I shouldn't have done it. I should have had the balls to end my marriage years before it all came to a head. But there's no denying my exh and I are better off without each other.

@youjustdoyou. Oh ok

I'm going to be controversial but I don't believe there is ever any excuse or justification for cheating and affairs. If you aren't happy in your relationship or marriage, you have the choice to end this.
I understand that for some people in financially difficult or abusive situations that's not always possible.
But 2 of my relationships ended through their lies and deceit, and cheating. Do I wish them all the best ? No, I wish them to go to hell.
Makes me sick to read how many people cheat and have affairs, and there's a difference between one kiss and a full-blown affair.
Yes, i'm judging, no, i'm not perfect, but stop trying to justify and find excuses for your cowardly, selfish and dishonest behaviour.

End your relationship, then do whatever the hell you like. But don't put another person through that.