Was your affair worth it in the end?

[moomoomummy]

A friend was sharing with me today the extent of the fallout following her affair. The children with anxiety and mental health issues. The messiness of her situation now. So I ask how many of you who are years down the line after an affair. Do you regret it? Would you change the course of events if you could?

@Chuchu2019 Who is “madly in love” with their partner for the sum total of a decades long relationship? See, that’s the kind of thing that leads to cheating: “oh I’m feeling a bit unloved today because partner’s knackered from dealing with the kids so I feel entitled to get my “needs” met by indulging that impressionable girl/guy with a crush on me. It’s my partner’s fault for not giving me eternal butterflies in the tummy. Not that I’ll tell them what I’m doing, of course.” I speak from experience. Do you?

You’re right though - there is something wrong with the relationship in that the cheater here shows their partner so little respect.

Of course, in the case of the PP who suffered abuse and was made genuinely miserable circumstances are somewhat mitigated. But in my experience the vast majority of affairs happen because someone feels ennui - and, depending on the relationship, that’s got nothing to do with the partner other than they’ve ceased to be new and sparkly.

let’s not pretend that an unhappy couple staying together for the sake of the children isn’t just as damaging. ... Affairs don’t happen to people who are madly in love with their partner and who are happy in their lives.
But people are not divided into two groups, either "madly in love" or "unhappy and staying together for the sake of the children". Plenty of people are happy enough in their relationship, but have a few of the usual gripes. Others have been together for 20 years and started to live quite robotic lives, but actually get on really well when they do wake up and make the effort. Others get on great when they are together, but for some reason have to live apart for an extended period of time. Or maybe the couple normally gets on great, but something happens in their life (e.g. a death) and throws one of them out of kilter. Or perhaps one of the two is very, very happy in the relationship, but the other is secretly bored - but doesn't want to hurt his or her partner or end the relationship, so doesn't say anything.

My affair doesn't make his actions ok and me the villain.
I have a friend who's putting up with shit from her exh because he's acting like she's the villain, due to her affair. He's far from an innocent lamb. Having an affair can really put you at further disadvantage when you are already the underdog in the relationship.

People who have affairs aren't always bad people.
My exh was a real shit while having his affair, but he isn't a bad person. I remember why I married and had children with him. When having the affair he tried to justify it by painting me as the baddie, so it was tempting to see everything in black and white in return. But that would be subscribing to his deliberately limited view of the situation. Life is more complicated.

You’re all missing my point. I’m not meaning madly in love as in life is a fairytale and I never said deliriously happy, I said happy.
If you love your partner enough and are content with the life you have. Why would you risk it? Why would you hurt the person you claim to love?

@ravenmum

This is exactly it. He was almost triumphant that I'd had the affair because it validated all his actions and meant he could get away with more, and he did. I stayed for 2 weeks (mainly through fear) while he told everyone intimate details. Went where he told me, did what he told me to do (including sex). Laughed at me etc. Couldn't wait to tell everyone he knew, even my work colleagues. He installed a key logger onto the computer and made me take photos of myself when I wasn't with him, to prove I was where I said I was. I can understand that though.

I hurt him badly and handled it even worse. But I shot myself in the foot by having an affair. I'll always be the one who damaged the relationship.

If I could turn back time I would. In a flash!

I hope your friend has the strength to leave.

The friend was thrown out :(

Why would you risk it?
Because your parent has just died and you feel sad, and someone pretty and new has come up promising exciting sex to take your mind off it and make you feel young and daring. For example.

My dad had an affair for a long time whilst married to my mum and had two young children of 4 and 7 (me and my brother).
I found him with my mums best friend.
I can tell you as a child it had a massive affect on me and my brother , and not even to mention my poor mum .
Turned out he’d been seeing her ‘best friend’ for 4 years . Was with her when my mum was pregnant with my brother .
They divorced , he went and brought a house with my mums ex friend . I had to get used to the new life of sharing my dad (in my eyes) with the kids who were playground friends but now my sisters.
Anyway he went and cheated on her after 11 years of starting his new life. Again me who discovered it . He’s now happily married to another woman he met (not the one he saw when with the other woman), and seems happy and settled but I’ll never forget what he put my mum through .
My mum on the other hand happily married now , met my amazing step dad through an old dating site when I was about 8, married when I was 13. The most beautiful couple .
People don’t realise the knock on effect that affairs have . It totally messed me up as a kid finding him in bed with my mums friend - as a 7 year old it makes no sense at all!

It’s easy to say that affairs and divorce ruin children’s lives and no one comes away unscathed... which is true but let’s not pretend that an unhappy couple staying together for the sake of the children isn’t just as damaging.

It's also funny how the cheated on party is usually the last person to know they were in an unhappy marriage or that they are in a celibate marriage and staying for the children when they had sex on Wednesday, but the OW/OM knows exactly what is going on in their marriage and is confident they are saving their beloved from the clutches of their wicked partner. It's also funny how when they become the spouse they still "know" exactly how he/she feels. Right, just like you knew he wasn't sleeping with his wife anymore when he got with you? Of course

@Musmerian Mmm sorry, I’m prone to a florid turn of phrase , to be honest I don’t want to dig through all the fucked up crap the arsehole inflicted on me before he left, but believe me it was mountain of lies and gaslighting, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.

And I’m guessing it wasn’t worth it in the end as he tried to come home three months later!

@Jameelia I’m not talking about the spouse thinking they’re in a happy marriage. I am saying about the person who is doing the cheating. Why part of that are you not getting? If you are a happy wife/ husband and you are content with your life and your needs are being met, what logical person would risk all of that for a cheap thrill? Why risk the upset, the turmoil and everything else involved if everything in that relationship is good? I’m not saying any relationship is perfect but something is clearly missing for the person who is doing the cheating. I am not saying it’s the wife’s fault that her husband is cheating, but there is something clearly lacking for him and that is his issue.

Chuchu, at the point when my exh had his affair, our relationship wasn't giving me everything I needed. My husband had spent three years working in another town, coming home only at the weekends. We were so used to living separate lives that we needed to learn how to be a couple again. But he was working massively long hours in an attempt to rise on the career ladder.

However, that doesn't mean that our relationship was unhappy and the children were living in an unhappy house with an awful atmosphere. At that time, I was wondering if we would survive in the long run as a couple, but hoping that when his career plans worked out, we would fall back into a more normal family life. As I saw it, we got on absolutely fine, rarely argued, enjoyed doing the same things, still had regular, enjoyable sex. We just didn't have the time to see each other much or really enjoy each other's company.

Should I have anticipated his affair? Should I have left him over what seemed minor complaints due to our current circumstances? Was I damaging the children by staying?

@Chuchu2019 People are not logical. Why do people do drugs they know will possibly kill them? Why do people with secure incomes bankrupt themselves in Las Vegas? Why do healthy individuals have unprotected sex with strangers when STIs are rife? Why do bankers earning thousands still commit fraud?

In many - but admittedly not all - it boils down to a) because they can, b) because it makes them feel alive/gives them a thrill and c) because they (nearly always wrongly) believe they will be the exception to the rule. They won’t be the one who overdoses. They’ll be the one who beats the house. They won’t get caught. They’ll beat the system. They’re in control.

Why do they think this way and other people don’t? Maybe it’s our experiences growing up. Maybe it’s the way we’re wired. Maybe a bit of both.

I’m not talking about the spouse thinking they’re in a happy marriage. I am saying about the person who is doing the cheating. Why part of that are you not getting?

I was in a happy relationship. I was blindsided when I found out he was cheating and had got someone pregnant. I was with his family every Sunday, we were happy and planning our wedding. She told me he said I was pushing him to get married and he didn't know how to leave me and he felt trapped. This was news to me, and many women in my situation have shared similar stories with me.

It's easy to believe his spouse is at fault and he wouldn't risk it all for a "cheap thrill", if he was happy with her he wouldn't be with me, because you actually need to believe that to kid yourself into thinking that is not his character and he will never do the same to you. Right....

You don't know exactly what goes on between two people. You know his side of the story about how she drove him into your arms. The truth is somewhere in 5he middle of her and his account.

And honestly you must be in complete denial to pursue a relationship with a cheater because past behaviour is the best predictor for future behaviour.

I do admit that I don't understand your point, Chuchu - it seems a bit like "Yes, burgers are terrible, but let's not pretend that eating only jam sandwiches isn't bad for your health!"

Here is a novel idea, if you aren’t happy with someone, leave!

I tell you why my ex didn’t, because he was comfortable, I did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, and I kept his bed warm. On top of that he had his bit on the side, what’s not to like?

I had no clue he was unhappy with me, and I’m convinced he’d still be here now if she hadn’t threatened to tell me and forced his hand.

Reading all of these posts, it has to be said, there's a huge difference between some of the examples.

There are prolific cheaters, who actively pursue others, tell lies, betray their partners emotionally and physically, and continue this for a prolonged period of time. They are the lowest of the low.

There are then people who fall in love with others. Who didn't actively go looking for a cheap thrill, and who are absolutely beside themselves that they feel this way. You can't put the two types of people into the same category.

It's also not easy to just leave if you're unhappy. You keep trying, telling yourself it'll get better. A holiday will sort it out. Or a nice meal. Or another baby. Sometimes it takes something, or someone, to make it clear that isn't the case.

It's also not easy to just leave if you're unhappy. You keep trying, telling yourself it'll get better. A holiday will sort it out. Or a nice meal. Or another baby. Sometimes it takes something, or someone, to make it clear that isn't the case.

This was the situation that I was in a few years ago. You do keep trying. In my case I thought that getting married would be the key. It didn't work. In fact, it made things a lot worse and quickly brought things to a head. We separated shortly afterwards.

I wouldn't even know which of those 2 categories my exh fell into, Leopard. He did some aspects from both.

I tell you why my ex didn’t, because he was comfortable, I did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, and I kept his bed warm. On top of that he had his bit on the side, what’s not to like?

^^this people can be spineless just stay put until someone else comes along. I think the person left behind has last laugh. If you got together with someone in these circumstances you could never fully trust them. You know first hand what they're capable of

I'm having an affair. We are both married. Neither of us are regretting it, in fact I think it's making me a much happier better person and that my marriage is actually improving. It's made me feel alive again. Hated having sex now I can't get enough and that's pulling through back into my marriage. I know I'll get abuse from saying this but it's not black and white, and no, neither of us are going to leave our partners.

@happysunshine20

You might find you have no choice... once it's discovered.

This is very true. My husband and I have talked about all of this hypothetically before I started my affair. We are quite open to exploring the possibility of being with other people. Our marriage has hit a rut and this has certainly helped. I honestly don't think it would be the end of our marriage if he found out, not from his side anyway.

I hope your partners both find out and dump you like you deserve.

@Werkinggirl thank you. You don't know me or my situation but thank you

We used to be an incredibly close family, then one day my mum rang to say she thought my dad had left, no note, just empty drawers
We thought h had had a breakdown and were frightened he would try and kill himself
Mum had been ill and We thought it was the stress,
He rang up tears couldn’t say where he was but needed space..... it was a shock when we found out he was having an affair, got on with her family
Mum died of a heart attack a few months later and good old dad used the burial insurance to pay for his Caribbean honeymoon
To those who seem to think having an affair is a good thing..... not for everyone it isn’t
They’d been together over 50yrs and she loved him to bits
It’s torn our family apart & makes trusting people very difficult