Was your affair worth it in the end?

[moomoomummy]

A friend was sharing with me today the extent of the fallout following her affair. The children with anxiety and mental health issues. The messiness of her situation now. So I ask how many of you who are years down the line after an affair. Do you regret it? Would you change the course of events if you could?

It wasn't worth it. It was pre co-habiting/pre-marriage and kids but whilst there was no impact on kids etc the impact on my now DH was everlasting.

It started a spiral of depression in him that almost ended his life. Even after 10 years I still think about the OM. Not in a nice way, the memories of that time haunt me through shame.
The only good thing that has come out of it is that my DH is now mentally and physically very healthy as a result of the help he has received. It's hard to say where we would be had it all never happened, but it did raise issues we needed to deal with. We are very happy together now but we do lack a sexual chemistry and always have. I really fancy him but he isn't a sexual charged person at all. It's less important to me now we have a family but I do find that hard. I would never cheat again in a million years.

I married my affair partner. Been married 15 years. Longer than both our first marriages. All children now grown and happy. We have a close blended family. Ex Husband has more kids and close to mine and his. We get in well now. DH ex wife also remarried and happy with her own blended family.

We are all much happier with the partners we now have. I have no regrets except we should just have left immediately rather than cheat.. although the actual affair part only lasted 6 weeks before we told our existing partners . Still 6 weeks too long.

I separated without an affair. DH really did struggle with knowing that I would change everything for us and our children for 'no reason'. He thinks he would have preferred it if I had met someone better suited, not just an out and out rejection. Especially, as my standard of living will plummet and I have to move back home, which I HATED.

In RL, people just aren't as judgemental as they are on here. My observation is the same egotistical behaviours that are demonstrated by cheaters are (ironically) mirrored by those who take a black and white stance against it.

Mine wasn't exactly an affair, although we did have a week of bliss, waited 2 weeks, then told our respective partners, we're now very happy and settled. Definitely worth it, and I know he'd say the same.

Obviously the wrong partner is answering this question.

My partner cheated on me, I had a complete mental breakdown, got kicked out of my home, slept in the street, in the forest, had all my stuff stolen, lived for two years in a nightmarish reality, and finally ended up sectioned where my family found me, took me home and helped me rebuild my life. It took me eight years.

Black and white? Yeah sorry it is for me, I did nothing to deserve my life being destroyed because he wanted to get his end await with two women at once. He was supposed to love and protect me, but he was the author of my destruction.

So was it worth it? Judge for yourselves.

I'm sorry but nobody is forcing you to lie to your partner, to kiss and sleep with someone else for weeks behind their back. That is very black and white. You can't help who you fall for, it happens that people fall for someone else. "sometimes you don't realise how unhappy you are until you meet someone else", ok, so leave them rather than sneak around behind their back and destroy their trust ?
No i'm not 'mirroring that behaviour' how ridiculous. I've been cheated on twice and that's two times too many which has damaged me.
Stop trying to justify rubbish, low behaviour.

I had a couple. Not love jobs but they made me realise how abusive my husband was and spurred me on to leave.

My dad had an affair and whilst he and mum got over it and remained together, I can absolutely understand why he did it. My mum played her part in the then decline of the marriage.

My ex husband's affair was definitely not worth it though I don't think I he quite understands what he's done, far too arrogant. The other party were only in it for the money. He's lost his job and his reputation. He's broken the family and hurt the children. He faces giving me a large proportion of his huge pension accrued over decades of hard work plus the house and other assets. I'm much happier without him, but I will never forgive him for the hurt he caused my innocent children. I know he's miserable and he deserves every single second of it. No excuse ever .....

Eyefatigue

You are using your Dads affair to justify your own behaviour. Your comment just reinforces my decision to not tell my children about their DFs affair for fear they would blame me.

I've never met these unicorn children who walk away from cheating, the fallout, divorce, remarriage of their parents and blended families unscathed but they all seem to exist on MN. I dont know many children who are happy that their dad is happier married to someone else and not their mother. These children seem incredibly mature and selfless. Only on MN. Keep lying to yourselves.

Also funny how the "snowflake generation" is so sensitive about everything but incredibly hardy and resilient to affairs and their parents' divorces

Also funny how the "snowflake generation" is so sensitive about everything but incredibly hardy and resilient to affairs and their parents' divorces

Is that any divorce, or just divorces as a result of cheating?

@jameelia I was 17 when my dad left us for his AP, now my stepmum. I was very sad at the time, and protective of my mum. She was utterly heroic and kept things ‘normal’ so my dad could still come over for lunch in Sunday’s and see my brother and me.

It took a long time for me to accept my stepmum. I didn’t meet her for years - probably 3 or 4 years later. It took a while for everyone’s pain to heal, but now I can genuinely say the I think it was the right decision for everyone. And that I’m only as well adjusted as I am because of the very dignified way my mum handled everything. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely unscathed, but then neither are friends of mine whose parents didn’t cheat, but parented badly in other ways. Some by staying together in very toxic relationships.

The hardest part of reading this thread is hearing the voices of the children who were affected by the fallout that cheating causes in a marriage.

Cheating is a bomb that destroys the entire foundation of a marriage and family life. Innocent bystanders like children so often the victims of very selfish behaviour.

I agree with jameelia. Ask the children whether their parent's affair was 'worth it'.

There’s two things here. There’s the break up of a family - which can be painful, but also done in a mature fashion. And then there’s cheating, which essentially is emotional abuse, no matter how unintended, and can add irreparable mental health issues to the pain of break up.

Many of those who cheated seem to fall on the argument that “I know it wasn’t ideal, but being honest about things was hard and I’m only human.” Maybe that’s true. But it still doesn’t alter the fact that it still caused significant damage that could have been avoided. At the very least that needs to be recognised. It might not make you feel great but you need to own the consequences of your actions.

I think there is a slight confusion in some ppls points.
It seems that many are justifying the behaviour by basically saying the ends justify the means.
But if you could get to those ends without hurting ppl, wouldn't that be the best course of action.

Exactly. Saying 'We have been together longer than our old relationships lasted', people need to understand the impact that being cheated on can have. It destroys people's trust, and causes psychological damage.
People say "It's not that black and white." yes it is.

@Hexcode16 - author of your destruction? Bloody Hell.

But if you could get to those ends without hurting ppl, wouldn't that be the best course of action.

Is it possible to get those ends without hurting people?

In answer to this question - 'was your affair worth it in the end' - my response would be a mixed one. Yes, overall probably it was. I cheated on my husband. Am still with the OM. For years I said (and posted) about how horrendously guilty I felt. He could have asked me to do anything (and he did) and I'd do it. He told me how we divided the child care, finances, what a worthless piece of shit I was. I agreed. I was a worthless piece of shit. I cocked up spectacularly and everything I read on here backed up how awful I was.

But 10 years have passed now and the guilt is starting to leave. When I look back - actually it wasn't just me who behaved badly. He stopped me having my own bank account. Wouldn't let me see friends - told me off if I was late. Was furious I kept my own email - tried endlessly to hack it and my phone (I later discovered) Called me names ("you're so cute when you're a cabbage" being his favourite - to stay in his good books I'd laugh and agree) after a while I believed it. Despite having a graduate career I genuinely thought I wouldn't cope without him. I wasn't clever enough.

When I met OM he was horrified at how disparaging of myself I was. I still believe it really. That he's cleverer and more able than me and I still defer to him massively. It annoys the hell out of DP.

Bottom line is, I should never have done what I did. It was cruel and life changing for us all.

But I can see now, finally, that I wasn't the only badly behaved one as I always thought. My affair doesn't make his actions ok and me the villain. I should have handled it better. I genuinely feel he'd trodden next down so far that I just couldn't see which way was up.

But I will keep the guilt and blame with me regardless. I just felt the need to make the point that it isn't always black and white. People who have affairs aren't always bad people.

My friends stayed my friends. His stayed his, and some have stayed friends with both.

Not to mention all the years I was told when sex would happen, and cried all the way though. It was crap. But I should have had the gumption to leave. I wouldn't wish it for my daughter.

It’s easy to say that affairs and divorce ruin children’s lives and no one comes away unscathed... which is true but let’s not pretend that an unhappy couple staying together for the sake of the children isn’t just as damaging. And I know people will flame me over this comment but if it was a truly happy relationship an affair wouldn’t happen. Yes maybe a one night stand or a stupid blip, but a long and continuous lie and betrayal is not something someone who is truly happy would do. Affairs don’t happen to people who are madly in love with their partner and who are happy in their lives. They really don’t

It's pretty unrealistic to think that people are going to be deliriously happy every day of their married lives though. Hard to be madly in love with your partner when you've been up all night three nights on the trot with a vomiting two year old and a broken boiler. That's why the vows say for better or for worse.

That's why the vows say for better or for worse

I can think of many things which might come under the above, which are not acceptable. Sleepless nights due to having young children might fall under that category. Abuse wouldn't. For example.