Was your affair worth it in the end?

[moomoomummy]

A friend was sharing with me today the extent of the fallout following her affair. The children with anxiety and mental health issues. The messiness of her situation now. So I ask how many of you who are years down the line after an affair. Do you regret it? Would you change the course of events if you could?

@Pumpkinpie1 I'm very sorry to read this. Affairs aren't good I do understand that. But every situation in every walk of life is totally different for every single person, which is why people should not be so quick to judge, not just regarding affairs but in everything. For me, at this time it is a good thing for me, for my marriage. It may not always be this way I'm not naive, I do understand the repercussions.

I can understand (tho without direct experience) the pain of those who had no idea of their ex's behaviour. Like how those who have not had a bereavement, cannot really ever understand what it's like.

I do find it difficult tho to understand why PP think children are only affected by divorces involving cheating.

To think that relationships should only end without someone else involved who illustrates that happiness is out there (on whatever level) also seems to fly in the face of human psychology.

In my case it was observing close friends & how close & contented they were compared to us that finally made me realise we had no future after 27 years. Does that mean it's their fault that I left my exH?

Also I met my DP quickly and I don't think that's been any easier for my exH than If I'd met DP shortly before we split.

As others have said, people are complicated....

@happysunshine20 here’s the thing. The main reason people dump their partners, feel bitter and suffer long-lasting mental trauma after affairs is because of the lies, deceit and gaslighting they received from someone they thought was their closest confident. Not because they decided to to be with someone else. It turns you into a basket case. That’s not judging. It’s not moralistic rhetoric. It’s the facts of the matter. It’s the clinical truth.

Things are working because your partners don’t know. You’re playing them for schmucks. If you weren’t you wouldn’t need to hide it. Again, that’s not judging you. It’s the objective truth.

Now, if you do feel judged by any of the above, then it’s probably worth looking into why you feel that way.

Yes, I had an affair , we worked in the same company, I was single and he was married, no kids. It was like a whirlwind - neither of us could stop what we were doing, and nor did we want to. It lasted for about a year before we were outed by someone at work who saw us together. Big drama, and we parted because it it.

He got divorced in the next couple of years - I never saw him during that time. But later he came looking for me and we met up again. We had a long distance relationship for a year and then got together again. Married for 13 years now, we couldn't be happier.

I still don't countenance affairs because I know the hurt which can be caused. But life isn't that straightforward , and when it happened to me I couldn't have stopped it. I never thought about his wife at all , which I know is terrible but it's the truth.

@stellabelle with all due respect, you weren’t the married one. You were the OW, you were involved in an affair but didn’t “have” one. Of course it’s easier for you to say you “couldn’t have stopped it”. You hadn’t made any vows. You didn’t have someone else you were going back to who believed you were a team and had each other’s back. How about now? Now you’re married? If you’re husband put you through what he put his wife through would you be forgiving and understanding, even if he dumped you, because you understand it “couldn’t be stopped”?

What a sad thread. It is really obvious that people who have affairs genuinely, honestly believe that, as long as their relationship endures, the pain was worth it and the ex-spouses, children and wider family all eventually move on, accept it and find happiness themselves.

I do think that that is something you have to tell yourself so that you can feel like a good person. But just read some of the heartbreaking stories on here, from spouses who were betrayed and left devastated.

I have some sympathy with people embarking on brief exit affairs, but affairs that last months or years, or affairs with mutual friends, are such a hideous betrayal that the betrayed party never recovers.

You think they do. You have to think they do. And they pretend that they have, because who wants to be the bitter ex still moaning years later. Who wants to be the pathetic ex that can't get over it.

The kids, if they still love their mother or father, the cheater, eventually have to accept ow/om if they want a relationship with their own parent.

It's been eight years for me. I am happy in a new relationship. I am sure friends would say that I bounced back marvellously and am happier than ever. But I cry almost every day. I still feel worthless and stupid for not knowing. I still feel so terribly hurt that someone I loved and trusted could do that. I feel ugly and unattractive.

Sometimes I see a photo, or catch a tv show, or hear a joke, or hear a piece of music that makes me cry. I cry for the naïveté of 'old me' who enjoyed wonderful times with an ex who she never thought had it in him. Sometimes I still miss him. I know what he would say or do in any situation.

Please don't say it was worth it. I didn't deserve any of it. My kids, as adults, have made choices because of those experiences. Their dad will never be the hero they deserve. They love him, but don't think that he is a good or very nice person. How could they? He cheated on them too, every time he chose ow over time with them.

It's not worth it. End it cleanly and then have your lovely life together.

I'm more than happy to accept that my exh was vulnerable and needed what his OW had to offer, so found her irresistable. I understand that he had to lie to both of us.

I'm less convinced that he really had to go on holiday with her, come back tanned and tell me I was imagining it.

I agree with Anon that it's not the mere fact they had an affair, or that they go off with someone else that hurts. It very much depends on how they do it.

Such a thoughtful and interesting post letmeinthroughyourwindow

I'm interested in whether the damage ascribed to cheating is all from that, or the end of the relationship as well?

I can't speak from experience on the cheating. But I recognise many of the points you make about your ex.....the sudden memory to a piece of music, the knowing them inside out. However, I don't miss my exH at all.

Do you think that cheating means you can't move past the relationship end in the same way as people do when a relationship ends without cheating?

I dont miss my ex. I miss who I was before he betrayed my trust. I will constantly always be on my guard, constantly second guess everyone and their motives, I struggle to trust people and there is always a part of me I hold back from people for self preservation - which is unfair to me and my partner. You feel so exposed when everything you thought was true wasn't, what else did he lie about or did you think was happening when it wasn't, and like you are going crazy when you see or feel things that don't seem right and he tells you it's all in your mind, you're imagining things. It's a complete and utter mindfuck that noone should put someone else through. Just end the relationship and move on.

It was over ten years ago for me now. I'm happily remarried with kids, haven't seen ex in all that time. But I still think about it most days. The scars run very deep.

"I'm interested in whether the damage ascribed to cheating is all from that, or the end of the relationship as well?"

The end of the relationship would have been very sad, but the ongoing hurt is entirely due to the cheating.

I resent the years I wasted on someone who ultimately treated me so badly.

All of my good memories are tainted by the knowledge of what he would eventually go on to do.

I feel worthless because I was put into competition with someone, and lost; she is a very unimpressive person so that says something about me.

I second-guess everyone's motives, assume everyone is a liar, and feel desperate sadness that my kids have been cheated out of a good father.

Whenever I see or hear about him my over-riding thought is 'how could you?'.

Whenever I hear cheats talking about how they deserve to be happy, I think 'but so does the betrayed spouse.' You loved them once. Of course you can leave, of course you can end it, but for goodness sake leave them with their dignity, self-esteem and self-worth intact.

It has changed me fundamentally as a person, and my children too, yet xh and ow tell everyone we are all fine now, all friends, all moved on and happier than ever. I nod and smile along of course. My social media probably reinforces that. Nobody knows really, unless they've experienced it.

Depends very much on the individual experience.

I refuse to go along with my exh's story that our marriage was worthless and never meant anything. It's just his cover story he used to justify his affair; he never had any of those thoughts when we married, or I wouldn't have married him! I won't let his later actions retrospectively ruin the past; he took away the future I was hoping for, but he doesn't get to devalue the past too and turn it into a wasted twenty years.

I don't see it as a competition between me and his OW, because he is not a prize that some lucky lady can win. He gave her some very big lies, too, and I can guess why she eventually dumped him.

I never believed in everlasting true love, so his affair hasn't changed me in that respect. What it has changed is my attitude towards character: I used to think that he "wasn't the type of man" to have an affair, and (implicitly) that some men were honest and nice and others were dishonest players. Now my attitude is less black and white, and I don't think that's such a bad thing.

I am more pessimistic about whether or not my partner will be faithful, but maybe that is stopping me from taking his interest too much for granted? I'm not sure it's all bad.

To be honest, after 5 years what I miss most is the whole future I had imagined, living in relative financial security in a nice home with a decent husband. That's all gone. But it's not specifically related to the affair.

I think that for me personally, the worst after-effect of the affair (not the break-up) was/is having to untangle my head from the web of lies and accusations about my character that he used to cover it up, justfy it and distract me. That was really hard.

stellabelle you say you couldn't have stopped it, but you clearly did once discovered.

I have never cheated. My husband cheated on me and I left him as a result. I totally condemn cheating.

All that said, the bizarre thing is that four years on I am glad he did it. Our marriage seemed good to me. And he would never have had the guts to leave if he hadn't fallen in love and become sexual with someone else. We would have stayed together for ever, in what I now know was a Luke warm, not very specially loving marriage with someone who was ultimately selfish and not that into me.

Since thenI have rebuilt my life, gone through a huge amount of growth and am two years into a relationship that makes me happier than I have ever been in my life - a far more wonderful relationship than the one I had with my ex.

We had one child (6) and I worked incredibly hard to protect her. She still doesn't know about the affair, sees her dad loads, loves the OW, who she has no idea caused the marriage break up. She loves my new partner too. For her sake, I have stayed amicable and collaborative with my ex. She was my northern star to keep on the rails through the huge heartbreak.

None of this is thanks to my ex's actions, which I condemn. What he did was terrible. But dramatic forks in the road present huge opportunities as well as challenges.

For him, I don't know if he'd think it was worth it. He is much harder up now and I am not sure his relationship is very happy.

You are using your Dads affair to justify your own behaviour. Your comment just reinforces my decision to not tell my children about their DFs affair for fear they would blame me.

You couldn't be more wrong. My parents situation and my own were completely different. I've never sought to justify my behaviour. If I behave badly I acknowledge it and own it. What I should have done is found the strength to leave when the abuse began.

My Dad was solely to blame for his affair but my mum has to share the blame for the deterioration of the marriage in the first place - in fact I think the majority of the blame for that sits with her. It took her years to acknowledge it but she did.

My ex cheated in the most disgusting manner possible ...
I'm glad he's gone ...
I will never forgive him though .... not for betraying me .... but for hurting the children, that is what is unforgivable. If you want to leave , leave. Don't cause devastation in your wake.

My DH and I were friends for 6 years, both married to other people with children; we just got on really really well. Finally his exW told him he was in love with me and he realised he was. Things then moved very quickly: he left, I left, we never had a physical affair, we decided we loved each other and didn't want to sneak around. 30 years later we are still together, both our exes have remarried and both admit to being much happier and we have great relationships with our step children. I regret the initial pain we caused but both our exes reckon we did them a favour.

Couldn't agree more - the vitriolic language used about anyone, regardless of the circumstances, who has had an affair ('scum' for example) is nuts

As per my above post I've been 'cheated' on but I know as soon as I enter into a relationship with another human being, being cheated on is a risk I choose to take. It goes with the territory

I really hope my current partner doesn't cheat on me but there are never any guarantees. People change, people have their heads turned. I try and be vigilant and be the best partner I can be but I'm also realistic about the risks

I couldn't agree more. My Ex didn't cheat on me but his behaviour had devastating affects on my life in other ways. It affectedly me badly but I pulled myself together and built a new life. I don't waste my time in bitterness of how he destroyed me, like some of the posters here seem to. In life there are people who hurt you, intentionally or not. Friends hurt friends, partners hurt partners. The best advice anyone can have is build resilience into your life, social, emotional and financial. Never give someone the power to break you.

I'm interested to know what you should do if you're in a relationship and meet someone else you have feelings for? Because affairs are wrong but leaving because you have these feelings doesn't seem like it's right either on MN? What happens once you leave, can you immediately see the other person, because that seems to be frowned upon too? Is there an acceptable waiting time before embarking on the new relationship?

I don't think it's ever as black and white as everyone on MN says. My mum had an affair and left my dad, it completely screwed me up. They are still together 20 years later and he's much better to her than my dad ever was. Dad married his childhood sweetheart and has a far better life than he ever would have had with my mum. They're both happy, it was for the best. I can see that now I'm older.

I left my husband, not because of either of us having affairs. It's completely screwed my children up in the same way that I was screwed up by a marriage ending due to an affair.

I've been married and for a large part of that marriage was really unhappy, if someone came along who I developed feelings for I probably would have left sooner and subjected my kids to less years of an unhappy home - would they have been less screwed up?

I recently developed feelings for a married man. For various reasons it hasn't progressed but he stated his intention to leave and start a relationship with me - I often wonder what that would have looked like? Could we be 'together' the day he left? Would we have had to wait? People would have judged him just as harshly as if we had embarked on an affair first I think. I think sometimes in the world of MN you can't win.

@Needtogetbackinthesack you're right - sometimes you can't win - in the real world as per mumsnet. Sometimes life throws a curveball and no matter how you try to navigate it, it will be shitty.

I don't know that it's possible or even desirable to get through life painlessly and cleanly, but there are still 'better' ways to handle shitty situations.

For eg, I can understand a partner falling for someone else - we can't always help who we fall for in life (although of course we can control actions) and sometimes, yes, a person may happen upon a better match as it were.

That is always going to be hard for a partner to handle but it is then the process that becomes important. Do you go out of your way to see the other person, meet with them, sleep with them, lie and deceive your partner for the next few months just to make sure that you really want to leave, badmouth and laugh at them behind their back? Leave them questioning their perceptions and sanity?

Or do you recognise that you are developing feelings and first assess if your relationship is well and truly dead before indulging those feelings. Take time to communicate and work on things if possible and when you are confident you can not make that relationship work, speak honestly with your partner - and I would say also bring up that you are developing feelings for someone else - that would be my preference for complete honesty anyway.

Both paths are going to be painful. But the first one can really break a person, leave them questioning and distrustful of the world around them because their faith is shattered - they've experienced deceit, dishonesty and betrayal from the one person they had implicit trust in. I've been naieve perhaps - I reached the age of 40 before I realised this was possible in my world, and it brings with it not just a collapse in trust for the other person, but a collapse in faith of who you are, that you were blind to what was going on, that you gave everything to a relationship and your partner felt it was fine to treat you in such a way.

And that's also what makes reading these threads difficult because you hear about some horrible relationships and that the affair is framed as a rescue from these, and I don't doubt that for some people. But for those of us out there who have tried really hard in our relationships, who have supported our partners through thick and thin, for whom the idea of betrayal has never crossed our minds - we're left trying to work out not just who everybody else is anymore, but who we are - that we deserved this treatment.

Yes it was

@suggestionsplease1 what a great answer, thank you. I guess because I've never been in a 'good' relationship and met someone I had feelings for I've never really thought about it being possible to be honest about it. When I was married I was really unhappy and my husband was horrible, but that also meant that when I met someone I liked I just didn't have the emotional capacity to do anything (in the right way or wrong way) so I didn't act on it.

On the flip side, when I've developed feelings for someone married I have no control over how they handled things with their wife. Nothing happened, and although we discussed him leaving I didn't then want to be hidden away until the 'right' time to reveal that he had met someone else. Maybe that just means that it wasn't the right person at the right time and if it was the right person they wouldn't have wanted to hide me away. I don't know.

Sometimes on MN things are so black and white, and the OW/OM is often treated as though they don't have feelings. Although having an affair is "wrong" everyone deserves to be treated as human.

we've remained faithful (and yes, I am 100% sure of that) pahahaha I love it when I read this! How can you ever be 100% sure unless you literally spend no time away from each other?

I also hate the "everyone's happy now so being a cunt was fine". It isn't the act of cheating, it's the gaslighting and having someone lie to your face when you know you're right. It's mentally traumatic and often manifests itself physically too. My ex cheated when I was pregnant and it has changed me forever. Yes I'm happy now but I would have been happier if he just split up with me rather than talking me into having a baby together just so he could fuck me over.

Was it worth it for him? Nope! I ensured I told everyone including all his family and told everyone the truth when they asked why we'd split up. I won't tell my son as I knew about my mum's affair and I don't trust her because of it. His family actually supported me instead of him and stand by that even now. The ow had a partner who I told. Then ex and ow split as he cheated on her. I knew for ages but decides she could find out for herself like I did. He's with someone else now but still tells me he regrets it and begs me to come back! Pathetic!

The fallout from my mums affair has been lifelong for my siblings and I. She wouldn't say she regretted it because for her personally life got better as a result. And she doesn't know the ways in which we have suffered ourselves.