Was your affair worth it in the end?

[moomoomummy]

A friend was sharing with me today the extent of the fallout following her affair. The children with anxiety and mental health issues. The messiness of her situation now. So I ask how many of you who are years down the line after an affair. Do you regret it? Would you change the course of events if you could?

@moomoomummy God almighty, that is a really shitty way of it being found out.

Holy fuckballs OP ! WTF! There's karma and there's this! Shize! How did you find out?

That's what I can't stand either. Trying to justify it with "my ex is much happier now and married to someone else, i've been with my partner longer than with my ex. "
Good, they met someone better with morals, they deserve to be happy after what you did.
For those of you who are '100%' your partner has never cheated and never will, they did it with you, they can easily do it to you.

It was wrong to have an affair, 100% wrong. But I was married to my best friend and honestly didn't realise I was so unhappy. We hadn't been intimate for years.

Yes but there was a choice to end it first.

There was instead a choice to try someone else out first and then leave.

The problem I have with cheating is that it isn't done in the heat of the moment.

It is always done in cold blood as it requires planning and deception.

The excuse is always 'we weren't happy, we weren't intimate anymore'. Right, so that makes it all ok ?
Oh but i'll carry on until i've got someone else lined up, so I don't have to have nobody.
At least there are some who admit their mistakes, but exactly what PP has said. Lies, deception, putting your partner at risk.

I don’t regret it - we ended up getting married and it worked out. However, I don’t think an affair was the way to go.

@DicedTomatoes The individual is DEAD. He died while on holiday with the OW

I didn't say it made it ok, I said - I 100% did the wrong thing. I can't be any clearer than that, that it was all completely my fault.
By explaining the facts and what happened is just that, no justification. We are all very happy now, me and exDH are still very good friends, he came to mine and DHs wedding. He forgave me because deep down he knows who I am and knows how sorry I am and that I made a mistake. You don't decide to leave someone when you truly believe you're happy, it had never crossed my mind prior to what happened.

However nothing I say here will make a blind bit of difference to people on here that are so black and white about believing a version of events that doesn't exist.

Yes. Painful and difficult but we both realised we were in the wrong relationship. It took a long time for the fallout to settle but life is too short to be unhappy. I’ve always found the knee jerk comments on mumsnet very immature and simplistic. Life is complicated and sometimes gets messy. I’d have issues with serial philanderers who see it as a way of life but sometimes you don’t know how unhappy you are until you meet the right person.

@MaryShelley1818 - people don’t like to engage with life’s complexity- it’s easier to just chuck insults out there. We still have some ex- friends who had more of a issue with it than our exes ultimately did. Bizarre. Intelligent, thoughtful people understand that .

@YouJustDoYou - my ex- H would dispute your view. He’s hardly lost trust forever. He now acknowledges that the affair was just a catalyst and that both of us were at fault. Sometimes people don’t actually realise how unhappy they are until something happens. Not sure why people who aren’t affected are so bothered.

I have two close family relationships with people who had affairs. One of them was so wracked with guilt that he basically sabotaged the second marriage as well and ruined his relationships with both sets of children (from first and second marriage). Lots of pain all around, a lot of it doled out to people who weren’t even alive when the original affair took place. The other guy has the emotional depth of a puddle and is a supremely arrogant man. He leads a charmed existence because he just literally doesn’t care about what he’s done or the impact of his actions on his kids and ex wife.

Life is complex, that is why you need to have some clear principles to guide you through it or you can talk yourself into poor decisions such as affairs.

Being cheated on is shit, utterly shit and it causes a lot of pain, costs money and damages family relationships. However, as a betrayed spouse you just have to get on with it and hanging onto the bitterness forever is a waste of my life. I fed my ex lots of nice lines about how it 'might have been for the best' and 'we were both unhappy' because I want and easy life and have to co-parent with the man. In truth he hurt me very much and I couldn't care less about his happiness and will only have him in my life and don't rock the boat because he is the father of our children.

Sometimes people don’t actually realise how unhappy they are until something happens. Not sure why people who aren’t affected are so bothered.
I've been cheated on.

How dare they waste my time shagging someone else to see if they liked her better first and waste my time.

Just get out if you're thinking of cheating.

Cheaters don't understand the hurt they cause.

My ex-fiance cheated on me and got a girl pregnant. He was weird and detached for a long time and broke it off suddenly. He bounced between begging me to take him back and promising her he wouldn't have anything to do with me. I refused to entertain him as he had a pregnant DP now and I told him I would not actively participate in hurting someone and deceiving them the way the pair of them did to me so to leave me alone as I was trying to move on and focus on my career. He called me the night his daughter was born apologising saying he wished it was our baby and he was naming her after me. I changed my number the next day as blocking him hadn't worked and I was tired and didn't want any part of their circus show.

I ran into him professionally last year and he pestered me so much with messages of wanting me back, being the one that got away and still being in love with me despite being told I was married, not interested etc.. I got a different liaison at the company and made it clear I would report him to his HR for harrassment so it all stopped. I still occasionally see him but he hasn't changed a bit. I actually am happily married and he says he is and I'm sure she thinks she is, but he is still out there playing his silly games. I'm not flattered he came onto me as I'm positive he is and will hit on anything in a skirt. I am thankful to his DW for helping me dodge a bullet though.

The individual is DEAD. He died while on holiday with the OW

So.....?

That little gem was dropped in AFTER my comment.... But my stance on cheats is the same.
But thanks for your directed comment.. Have a nice day.

We are all very happy now, me and exDH are still very good friends, he came to mine and DHs wedding

Nice bit of glossing over your now DH's ex there.

Yes, I regret it. I'll regret it and carry the shame around with me every day until I die. The extent of the pain and damage to so many people was inconceivable. It is and will always be the worst thing I've ever done.

@AllNewThings don't feel like that every day, you seem very remorseful but shouldn't hate yourself for it. You have admitted what you did and you acknowledge it. You aren't attempting to justify it or make the usual excuses. Human beings make mistakes, and I hope you can forgive yourself and move on from it.

OP, sorry I am confused your first post described the affair of your friend as ‘her affair’, but then your next comment says it was her husband’s affair? Thank you.

To those thinking it doesn't affect kids (young or grown up during affair).

I'm sure if one of my parents had an affair, it would certainly affect my opinion of them and I'm not sure I could trust them 100%. It would ruin the great relationship I have with them now.

@Chocpear it doesn't say it was her husband. It says "cheating husband". So the guy the friend was having the affair with.

@notthisshitagain, thank you, understand now.

Mines a bit different but I regret how I handled it.

Was very young and seeing someone who I was quite smitten with. Unfortunately I had only had two long term boyfriends before so just didn’t know the signs of cheating. In retrospect it was obvious I wasn’t added to his social media (claimed he never used) never went to his place and other massive red flags. Found out that he was actually engaged and due to be married in two months. I was devastated but I massively regret not telling her. I feel like I should have warned her what he was like. He cheated on her after two years and got someone else pregnant. It really upsets me I could have spared her that.