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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contact from the other woman

367 replies

FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 17:18

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

OP posts:
SwishSwishSheesh · 17/01/2020 13:36

You truly are a definition of a wet lettuce OP. Good luck to you!

Buggedandconfused · 17/01/2020 13:37

Actually OP, all you are doing here is getting free advice and therapy. Go take your money and pay someone instead of wasting everyone’s time on here.

PooWillyBumBum · 17/01/2020 13:43

You're strangely focused on the OW and not on the fact that you're in a sham marriage with a man who doesn't respect you and never will.

You need therapy.

eenymeenyminyme · 17/01/2020 13:53

I don’t get why he doesn’t ask for a divorce and then he can have a proper relationship with OW without sneaking about

And I don't get why you don't ask for a divorce, but there you go...

Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 14:14

I am under no illusions it’s a sham.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 14:18

Would you think he’d at least miss his kids when he’s away week after week. He hasn’t from when they were born hence why he took counselling. I KNOW he doesn’t as he never calls them / and when he gets back he hangs round in London...

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 17/01/2020 14:34

He is a total disgrace as a father, never answering his daughter’s calls or messages...not reading to them for the past 18 months...on his phone constantly when visiting the playroom...dumping them in the gym crèche for the maximum time...destabilizing their home...cheating on their mother.

Your 5 year old is already learning to steel herself for the disappointments.

If you divorce, why would the children have to be ‘dragged off to see him every other weekend’? Surely he could come to them for that 24 hour period that he has deemed adequate.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 14:35

Yes, and then where would he take them? Would they all stay at the house - where would I then go?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 17/01/2020 14:38

Why would he agree to split? There are no downsides for him with the current arrangement. Even the sneaking around with the OW might add excitement for him. If you break up he will have to wash his own pants, take care of his own children sometimes, have to deal with the OW wanting more than a shag behind the bike sheds now he's single, etc. Why would he want any of that when he can continue telling lies and just doing whatever the fuck he likes and you'll still be his servant?

airbags · 17/01/2020 14:41

Seriously OP. Everything is staring you in the face, she even phones you. He's treating you like a doormat and you're enabling him and turning a blind eye. Not only is this damaging you but also your children. WAKE UP!!!!!!!
Go and phone her, talk to a solicitor, protect your children, stop hanging out creating numerous threads on the internet hoping that you can trudge along and by some miracle it might all just go away. So youre looking forward to the fact that he'll spend some time with the kids this weekend? Stop pretending and playing at "happy families".
Stop putting your fingers in your ears, going "la, la, la, not happening".

FlowerArranger · 17/01/2020 14:49

For goodness sake - why are you so passive? Are you on drugs - pharmaceuticals I mean...

Your life is slipping away and your children are being damaged while you seem to be in some kind of haze...

For goodness sake, take control!! Gather your financial information and go and see a shark of a lawyer - and sort out your life and your children's.

Ginger1982 · 17/01/2020 14:53

Are you honestly going to wait until Sunday to call her? Good God no wonders he walks all over you. You're coming across like a complete doormat.

user1471449295 · 17/01/2020 15:10

After reading the first couple of pages I initially thought you were, err, a little stupid/low intelligence. However, reading your further posts I don’t think that’s the case. HOWEVER, I cannot fathom why you are so slow and passive op? What is wrong with you? Why are you not acting, either in real life or in response to many questions and advice on here that you have received?
Has he really worn you down so much that you will just continue to accept this behaviour and obsess about the OW motive for contacting you? Are you actually going to make contact back? Surely you’ll get more answers there than on mumsnet?

LemonTT · 17/01/2020 15:20

The OP is getting the answers she wants from MN. It’s answers she wants. That’s sll

gamerchick · 17/01/2020 15:23

You seem very concerned with your lifestyle here and on the other post

I'm pretty sure this is the all that's being bothered about tbh.

I thought you had 2 nannies though from your other thread.

MyOtherProfile · 17/01/2020 15:24

they will all hate being dragged off to see him every other weekend - it’s totally impossible.

Nope. It's not impossible. He will have to sort somewhere for himself to live and entertain them there. If, as you suggested before he lives in London then he will have endless entertainment possibilities. They can have all that great fun you say they have now all over again. And you will get the odd day off to do something nice for you.

And of course he can take them to his parents.

You are really making excuses for something that thousands and thousands of families manage relatively easily.

EstrellaPequena · 17/01/2020 15:30

Would you think he’d at least miss his kids when he’s away week after week. He hasn’t from when they were born hence why he took counselling. I KNOW he doesn’t as he never calls them / and when he gets back he hangs round in London...

He doesn't. He has physically told you he doesn't. Why are you waiting for him to morph into the man you wish he would be, rather than the man he is?

He is showing you very openly who he is. You aren't believing him.

Yes, and then where would he take them? Would they all stay at the house - where would I then go?

Really? This is where your head's at?
He could take them anywhere; McDonalds, a park, his new pad/hotel, a play place and leave them for someone else to look after as he already does but this really isn't a pressing concern nor any concern of yours. I highly doubt he'll be pushing for much contact anyway, so don't think you'd need to even think of it.

That alternate reality would only ever come into play if you actually made some sort of movement to change the current status quo which you don't seem to be up for. He's having his cake and eating it so why would he push for it to change?
It meets all his needs and wants!

Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 15:34

@gamerchick

1 nanny for the 4 days I work

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 15:38

@EstrellaPequena

Hi - his new pad will be rented and c.1 hour 15 minutes away. So they would be ferried up and down the motorway. They can’t sleep in a park / McD etc.

OP posts:
user7522689 · 17/01/2020 15:48

This is gym creche dad? The one who ignores his child's messages?

It's not divorce that will mess those children up.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 15:52

@user7522689

Yup, that’s the one.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 15:53

@user7522689

One would think that if the OW is aware / is being considered as a serious future partner she would have no issue with him taking a call from his children - and in fact would be encouraging it given she would want him to see her as long term girlfriend material.....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 17/01/2020 15:55

@user7522689

The crèche is a tricky one as they actually quite enjoyed it and I do think exercise is a good thing. I just wouldn’t ask ‘what’s the maximum time they can be here’ right in front of them. It was embarrassing!

OP posts:
EstrellaPequena · 17/01/2020 15:57

@FMO1976

his new pad will be rented and c.1 hour 15 minutes away. So they would be ferried up and down the motorway

They're not unstable compounds. They're children. They won't melt.

You're getting caught up in really bitty what if's here. All of that is on him. He might not even want to take them overnight. He doesn't seem to even want to spend a couple of hours with them as it is, so what makes you think he's going to flip his selfish priorities to include ferrying them or EOW sleepovers if you ever end it? And that's without wining & dining the OW monopolising his free time. Be realistic.

Carblover · 17/01/2020 16:04

@FMO1976.... i have one simple question as i know you are reading everyone's posts but only giving responses to the most inconsequential ones like how many nannies,
My 1 question is what did you hope to get from posting in 2 threads if your going to skip past and ignore such solid advice as if it was never written
Genuine question what was your point in posting

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