Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Misty - is definitely go by his behaviour in person. If he's happier to phone why not do that on a regular basis?

I guess that's my question - how often is regular at this early stage? We have arranged to talk on the phone tomorrow... I'm tempted to just not contact him and see how long it takes him to contact me...but I hate game playing. But I also know I'm impatient and don't deal well with uncertainty!

@Misty9 it's an interesting point because everyone is different personally I am not a fan of all the messaging or talking on the phone if I give someone my number i do that for the purpose of arranging in person dates. Mr Yorkshireman is starting to annoy me we met online on 3rd January swapped numbers about a week later he then found me on WhatsApp since then lots of Chat and vague plans to meet but no actual dates set up messages have now descended to the level of send me a picture and what are you doing this evening so I'm just ignoring him now he needs to do better than that if he wants me to respond. I'm not here for your entertainment Mr Yorkshireman I'm here to be asked and taken out on dates and if you can't do that you don't deserve any of my attention! I find the lack of respect for the time of someone you barely know really depressing. Taking someone's number then bombarding them with messages but not asking you out is phone abuse in my book. Men know how relationships are supposed to go and this ain't the way. So there goes another one that looked promising but has now gone to shit!

He seems to be constantly on WhatsApp so he's probably got loads of women he's stringing along, well if that's what he's about I'll leave him to it

@stillsexystillsingle why can’t you ask him out ? I find that approach works best for me. Just ask then you know

I'm the opposite of @Jane1978xx @Stillsexystillsingle I have never asked a man on OLD out. I'd back off. If he's interested he will make it happen. Get some more irons in the fire.

I asked Mr Ad out first as he was really shy and didn't know how to ask. Really glad I did

I'm pretty sure he would have asked eventually but I was getting impatient! I'd rather know if they have any intention of meeting than message endlessly for days.

This is interesting, getting the different viewpoints re messaging.

Since meeting Mr Straight he messages a lot but with no further plans to meet. He said when I met him he doesn't know when that could be. I'm sure he could find the time if he wanted to so I'm feeling a little dreary about the situation. He only met last time once the messaging cut back as that kind of jumped him into action to do it. Then I feel like I'm playing games though.

Haven't been back on the apps yet but I think maybe I should.....

The whole messaging/ meeting thing does my head in. I am tending to agree with @sexy and @@notcool, men should know what to do, but then is that not a little sexist, I really don't know 😅

So i messaged mr G first (Pof so didn’t need to match) then I asked him out . I wouldn’t be with him now if not.

We message every day sometimes 2 messages and sometimes 50-60 depends what we are doing and if we are with kids

@sexy I'm not sure with mr Yorkshireman, can you say just to get in touch when he's ready to set a date and not before, or is that a little abrupt?

@misty have you always got dates planned? If so then I do not think the communication inbetween matters that much. If it's just endless messaging though with no plans that's where I lose the will with it.

@bangheadhere40 Yes, I do find it a bit sexist to expect men to message first to be honest. If men were saying that women should always do something first then we would all be the first to say so. I understand that some women are less confident about asking men out first but so are some men (Mr Ad as an example). Being a man doesn't automatically make you super confident.

Thanks all. We tend to set the next date when we do talk but there's very little communication between those dates unless I initiate it. He doesn't have many friends and has admitted he should keep in better touch with his family. So I do wonder sometimes what he's doing online when it says he is. But that's the joy of WhatsApp!

I'll probably have to bring it up again but just wasn't sure whether daily contact was too much to expect after 4 dates... I'm happy to talk instead of message, in fact I'm doing that more with friends now since he's got me into it and it's much better!

@Sunshineandflipflops. Totally agree ! I also had a male friend say he stopped asking women on dates as he wanted to see they we’re interested

I’m another one who thinks it’s a bit sexist to expect men to always make the first move. I think I sent the first message to Mr R, then he pushed for a first date. I pushed for the next few. Anyway we’re still together 8 months later.

@Misty9 is your iron new to dating? I think you said you met him in real life. My previous experience of dating was 20 years ago with an guy who didn’t have a phone and before that a guy who lived with his mum so when I called i’d Have to speak to her first on the landline. I think if I didn’t have this thread I would probably expect to see someone once a week and maybe call them once or twice a week. In the early days of old a few guys did tell me off for taking too long to reply so I think expectations have changed. Now I probably message mr r 20 times a day and get annoyed if he doesn’t reply!

@shitwithsugaron those are the kind of things I try and message or send ideas of films to watch etc

The thing with too much messaging is things can be misread or misunderstood.

I am happy to message first if I am getting good positive responses from them
I can see in a situation where the replies are not very warm I would feel less inclined to message first!

I’ve got a few more normal irons going now.

Mr Breakup says he is ready to date, he seems like a nice guy. He’s asked if he can ask me a question - let’s see what it is!

Mr Next Town is working away at the moment, he also seems nice and friendly

Mr Mechanic I think I am not sure if he is a bit of a lad - I will keep chatting for now

I am finding 3 or 4 chats hard work to keep going. I was so tired last night I just could not be bothered!

I don't see it as sexist at all. As I've said I've spoken to men who have dated about this. They have fewer likes and matches as a rule. I don't sit back and expect them to flock to me but I did expect them to display interest. My replies would always be engaging and asking them questions to encourage a conversation. This is what has worked for me.

Misty9 I was dating someone exactly like that. Every night on WA til midnight, then first thing in the morning. And he claimed he had no friends. I would get a 'good morning ' message every day but very little otherwise.
It messed with my head. And was one of the things that caused us to break up.

If you're not happy with the level of communication or not knowing when your next date will be, then perhaps you should have a chat with him.
These little niggles at the beginning can become bigger as time goes. on

I agree @notcoolmum.

I generally message first on Tinder but not on POF. At least on Tinder I know they have shown some interest in me.
And if I feel like they are still interested after a day or two of messages then I'm happy to suggest a date. If the messaging is a bit one-sided then I'll let it trail off or say I'm not interested.

Too many penpals out there!

I put myself back on POF and got tumbleweed.
So I tried Tinder and hid my profile after a few hours because I had too many matches who were messaging me. Weird!

But they are all 10 years younger than me. 42 is the magic number

You can generally tell if a man is 'shy'. If he is I could see why you'd make the first move. Actually I did that once, but he was far too shy for me in person.

Women, actually tend to make the first non-verbal moves. The glance, the 'match' (women typically don't swipe right unless they are at least somewhat interested, whereas many men swipe a lot of women and then discount the ones they aren't interested in).

Anecdotally, messaging the man first (aside from on Bumble) has been a dead end for me. By and large, they know how to ask a woman out, they know how to pursue. I'm not saying 'don't do it', i'm just saying based on my experience 90% of the time if you have to pursue it's a waste of time.