Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Time to consider ending it, really. A lack of respect for your career/profession is a fundamental lack of respect for you, too.

@BatshitCrazyWoman a year! Congratulations!

He doesn't stay at mine, he hasn't met my DC or anything yet. We have sort of created a little bubble around ourselves of coupledom without letting real life inside - we rent Airbnbs and hotel rooms. 😂 It's nice though.

I'm really assertive- normally! My job demands it but I just felt so uncomfortable saying no - I'm finding my boundaries are too mushy .

Mr lech octopus messaged me today - I guess I need to tell him I'm not having a second date . How do you say it ?!?

@putastrawunderbaby it really depends on whether what he said is true to be honest. You can get a degree in homeopathy, but that doesn't mean it's evidence based or effective. People are entitled to their own opinion, but facts aren't the same thing. And also, I have a condition that involves chronic pain. I'm not exactly diplomatic when I'm in extreme pain.

That said, if you disagree so strongly over something that's important to you then you probably aren't compatible anyway.

@putastrawunderbaby

I am not defending him but when I had a back injury people kept telling me to see a chiropractor. I have little knowledge of this profession. My Dsis also saw one once who told her all kinds of odd things about her health, a lot of talk of back cracking and tried to sell her a 10 week programme so this was also in my mind. I was very anxious about ‘someone making the pain worse’ and ended up just having accupuncture until I had a spinal injection

But I wouldn’t actually ever tell someone I don’t like or believe in their profession or skill I would just say no thank you! Or I would ask them to explain it to me properly

Pain can make people a little irrational sometimes but he sounds just rude.

Oh and it wasn't that I was sat next to him - you know when you go to greet someone with a little air kiss on the cheek? He grabbed me and pulled me in close . When walking to the table he put his arm around me . At saying goodbye he pulled me in and kissed me . And it wasn't good . Luckily I go to this place to eat a lot and they knew what I was doing - they said no second date - thought he was a creep!😂. They weren't wrong.

I'll persevere. My muscle was lovely but again - not sure how to tell him it didn't do it for me

@uncorrecteddoormat I'm not a homeopath! but I totally take your point. The NHS refers patients to me though.

@UncorrectedDoormat

Probably put it better than me. Homeopathic medicine as example is a good one because the evidence can be interpreted very differently. I felt safer with accupunture rather than someone’s hands on me, I just didn’t feel at all confident about what I could tolerate in relation to pain

In that case, if he's otherwise worth the effort then try to talk it through. Otherwise... Lack of respect and disagreement about something so fundemental is hard to deal with.

@SueDoeName - please be blunt about how creepy and inappropriate his behavior was. Or if you can't, just be direct that you did not like him and don't want another date.

sue it’s hard but tell him the truth please. These guys need to bloody learn. I think they get away with it too much!

putastraw it’s his opinion but disrespectful to air it to you but then do you want a relationship with someone who doesn’t agree with your work?

Could I get your opinions please 😁

A guy mentions he needs someone who is trustworthy as he's been cheated on in every relationship. We've exchanged a handful of messages. I'm inclined to ditch him- what do you all think?

Not because I'm untrustworthy btw! 😅

It's a red flag to blame every ex for causing a relationship to break down. I'd steer clear @Roobear23

I would find that weird so early on, and would need a very strong reason to continue messaging roobear

Roobear I have dated men who claim they have been cheated on by various partners, it’s has soon become clear that they are lying (they are the cheat) or there’s a reason why they were cheated on, either they have issues in the bedroom or they are not a very loving partner. I tend to stay clear of anyone who slags their ex off because from experience they are usually the crazy one, not the ex.

I’m messaging someone, been chatting for a few days, mainly because I don’t have any other irons. He likes cycling and keeps mentioning going on a bike ride with me, I hate cycling and have told him it’s not really my thing and I don’t feel safe on a bike but he keeps on saying how he knows some amazing places we can cycle and how much fun it will be. I’m now finding it hard to continue talking to him as he won’t change the subject 😡.

I’m finding POF is just full of crazy people, people with really odd shaped beards, men in odd Christmas jumpers and men with bad teeth, it’s more like a line up for Jeremy Kyle. It never used to be this bad, I’m finding it hard to find anyone that looks remotely down to earth and friendly.

@UncorrectedDoormat
@TigerDater

Thank you, that's what I thought. He's too far away anyway so works out nicely!

Does anyone else feel bad when you just stop messaging?

@Lovemusic33
I've just said I feel bad stopping talking to them but think it's probably a good idea for you to block yours as well!

Maybe sign up to a few and just flit between them all? I'm on 3 at the moment!

Why feel bad? He's waving red flags at you, he doesn't deserve a second thought.

Love the cycling dude sounds obnoxious!

I’m bloody fed up with this OLD business. Think I’m having a really good chat with someone and they’re throwing out the compliments and then they just stop replying or unmatch! Usually at the point I give them my phone number or we arrange to meet. This has happened to me four times already this year!

It’s made me so paranoid I actually google searched myself to check there was nothing untoward on the internet, luckily there isn’t!

Feeling very down about the whole thing tonight

Boo - I think there are just a lot of people on OLD who are bored and like the attention. I’m finding this myself so much. I have like 120 tinder matches and only 3 or 4 bothered to talk to me and they are all pretty disinterested in me and boring

I just have to keep telling myself they are clearly married or catfish if they suddenly flake out at meet or number swap.

Then there’s the one guy who must have had an accident (I tell myself) as we arranged a date three days in advance and he has never been on WhatsApp since . He definitely hasn’t blocked me because I can still see his profile pic and that he was last online two weeks ago

I haven't been on here lately. Things are still going well with Mr S. Been together nearly 3 months and are talking about going away soon. He will be moving to a new place in the next few months, thinking about moving a little nearer me but it depends if there are any properties he likes. Splitting his time between me and his family at the moment as his mum and sister are both I'll at the moment. He has asked me to go with him to a hospital appointment next week. It's all going very smoothly, I find myself learning more about myself in this relationship and becoming more confident in myself. He has feat brought out the best in me

Can I get people's thoughts on a situation?

Met a guy, let's call him Mr reindeer, irl in a pub at a group event we both went to. We spent all that evening together, had dinner together then went to the cinema. He messaged the next morning to suggest a proper first date. He doesn't like messaging so called me a couple of times during that first week. Met for '1st' date and went well. Ended up at mine and dtd. He stayed over. We've met twice more since then, always ending in sex (it's great!) but doing stuff like clothes shopping (his suggestion!) or making dinner together first, and he stays over when practical. He's fairly newly out of a ltr with kids involved and he co-parents. I like messaging, he doesn't. So we had a chat and he wants to take it slow and I asked for at least one message a day.

So, my question: how much contact would you want or expect in this situation? I don't want anything serious as yet either but I do like to maintain a connection through calls or messages, especially when you can't meet up that often. He doesn't message first and his answers are usually brief and no questions about my life. But, in person he is very keen and we really spark off each other. I am prone to get a bit over invested too early... So what would you expect?

Sorry for the essay

I guess I’d expect him to be sensitive to what I wanted re communication but I’d also want to respect his preferences re communication - people can be very different in that respect

So you'd go by his behaviour in person more? He's never keen to discuss when we're next seeing each other - but more because he just knows it's going to happen I think. And I don't want to overthink and get myself wound up.

I hate WhatsApp basically! 😂